


Buried Love

by mishncas, ourvelvetscars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: American Football Player Dean Winchester, Angst, Artist Castiel (Supernatural), Balthazar & Castiel Friendship (Supernatural), Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester Friendship, Breakup scene, Businessman Castiel, Canonical Character Death, Car Accidents, Cas comforting Dean, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel Smokes, Castiel and Dean Winchester break up, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Castiel is Claire Novak's Parent, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Character Death, Charity Gala, Dean Winchester Has a Crush on Castiel, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean and Claire bond with each other, Dean saving Cas, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Fire Accident, Firefighter Dean Winchester, Flirty Dean Winchester, Friends to Lovers, Grieving Dean Winchester, Halloween, High School, High School Castiel/Dean Winchester, High School Student Castiel (Supernatural), High School Student Dean Winchester, Hospitalized Castiel (Supernatural), Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Death in Childbirth, Insecure Castiel (Supernatural), Jealous Castiel (Supernatural), John Winchester Being an Asshole, Kid Claire Novak, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Blood, Minor Character Death, Mother Hen Dean Winchester, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Dean Winchester, POV switch, Past Castiel/Meg Masters, Pining Dean Winchester, Sappy Castiel (Supernatural), Sappy Dean Winchester, Single Parent Castiel (Supernatural), Slow Burn, Slow Dancing, Supportive Castiel (Supernatural), Supportive Charlie Bradbury, Timeskip, aftermath of car crash, but not too serious, choking accident, claire novak is adorable, dean and lee friendship, dean is being a mess, too much angst, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:41:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 91,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23982493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mishncas/pseuds/mishncas, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ourvelvetscars/pseuds/ourvelvetscars
Summary: Summer of ‘07 saw Cas packing up his life and going away from Lawrence.Summer of ‘19 saw Cas packing up his and his daughter’s life and shifting back to Lawrence.Different times, completely different lives, but there was one person in his heart both times: the insufferable Dean Winchester.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 76
Kudos: 137





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! This is our first collaboration together and we hope you guys like it. <3 
> 
> Here's the Spotify playlist for the story: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4qVsMr6iRtiogUGctCkSrm  
> Here's the Pinterest board: https://pin.it/5hdpJU9

_“_ _Art is to console those who are broken by life.”_

 _\- Vincent Van Gogh_

**July 2019**

“Hello, Castiel. It’s Michael speaking.”

“Hello, Michael.”

“Listen, after thinking a lot about it, I finally came up with a solution for our office in Lawrence and I wanted your opinion about it before we meet the board of directors tomorrow .”

“Okay. What’s the solution?”

“I want you to handle our Lawrence branch.”

“What? Me?”

“Yes, you. Because I trust you.”

“But you know I-”

“But nothing, Castiel. Look, after what happened with Luke, I don't think I can trust anyone else other than you to be in charge of our second office.”

“I...I will think about it. Anything else you wanna talk about?”

“No. That’s all...Oh wait, are you guys coming for the barbecue party for the Fourth of July?”

“Yes, obviously.”

“Okay, great. Take care. I’ll see you tomorrow. And give Claire my love. Bye.”

“Bye. Take care of yourself too.”

**July 2006**

_Castiel is nervous. He isn’t a very people-friendly person; he mostly prefers to keep to himself. But one of his classmates, Jo, had invited him and a few others to a get-together to celebrate the last days of summer before the senior year of school started. Cas knocks hesitantly and waits. The door is opened by a bright, excited Jo, who immediately ushers him in. Cas is introduced to a whole bunch of people within a couple of minutes of entering the house, none of them really catches his eye except for the boy in the back, laughing with his friend. The boy is one or two inches taller than Cas himself with chestnut hair slicked back. He is wearing a red flannel over his black shirt and black jeans with ripped hems. He has intense green eyes and a charming smile one cannot miss even if they wanted to. The boy turns and sees Cas gawking at him but before he can do anything, Jo pulls Cas away saying, “Oh, trust me. You don’t want to get mixed with him. He’s trouble, Cas.” But it’s already too late if fluttery of Cas’s heartbeat is any indication._

_Cas walks to the small kitchen beside the living room- where food is placed on the dining table- to get himself a slice of pizza, his stomach demanding something other than a soft drink. When he twists around with a slice of pizza carefully placed on a piece of tissue, he bumps into that boy- the one with the dashing smile and gorgeous green eyes- and almost stains his outfit. Cas apologizes shyly, looking everywhere except for the boy’s face, however, instead of being mad, the boy goes, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m Dean. Nice to meet you.”_

_Cas gazes up, a little speechless and startled by the deep, rich voice, “I’m-,” he clears his throat and tries again, “I’m Castiel.”_

_Dean grins, pulling on Cas’s shirt sleeve a little, “Is it cool if I call you Cas?”_

_Cas nods, gulping, now more nervous than he initially was when he first arrived at Jo’s place._

_“Sweet,” Dean continues with a cheeky smile, “So what’s a pretty little thing like you doing in a deadbeat place like this?” Dean reaches over and grabs the last slice of pizza._

_“I- uh-” Cas stammers, “I go to your school.”_

_“Yeah no shit,” Dean says, exasperatedly, rolling his eyes while taking a large bite of his pizza slice. But he isn’t annoyed, Cas notes since he still has that smile plastered on his face. Cas looks down again, embarrassed._

_“Well,_ Cas _, I think we’re gonna get along just fine,” Dean says without looking away from his face, eyes gleaming playfully._

I hope so _, Cas thinks, his mind still reeling from Dean’s beautiful smile._


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel and Claire move to their new home in Lawrence.

_“...You don't know what you're missing, now_

_Any little song that you know_

_Everything that's small has to grow_

_And it's gonna grow, push push, yeah_

_Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, California sunlight_

_Sweet Calcutta rain_

_Honolulu starbright_

_The song remains the same_

_Ooh, ooh, oh, oh…”_

  
  


_This girl will be the death of me one day_ , Castiel thinks as he searches for his six years old daughter, Claire. Walking up the wooden stairs, Cas calls out for his daughter, “Claire? Where are you? Claire?”

“BOO!” A tiny voice yells behind Cas, startling him. 

“Oh, shi-pp.” Cas turns around gasping, which makes the little girl standing in front of him giggle.

Claire is six years old- who’s full of energy and asks questions about everything and anything like it’s her job- and she _loves_ to scare her dad, who’s currently trying to look angry at her but can’t stop himself from smiling because the sound of Claire giggling will always be one of the highlights of his day.

“Claire, baby, you scared me.”

“Sorry, papa bear,” Claire says sweetly with a huge grin.

“It’s okay Claire bear but don’t do that again, okay?” Claire nods but Cas clearly knows she’s gonna do that again in future.

“I’m gonna unpack everything for your room and you’re gonna help me. C’mon.” Cas picks up Claire in his arms despite she’s not being a toddler anymore.

They enter Claire’s bedroom and look around. Cas had hired interior designers to decorate the bedrooms before moving in which made Claire’s bedroom something out of a fairytale. The wallpaper glimmers a soft calming light purple. There’s a little pearl white and golden chandelier hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the room. Claire’s bed, following the purple theme, has dark purple sheets and sea-themed cushions and pillows- one is a starfish pillow and the other a seahorse. The bed is close to the window which has a dark purple curtain and looks out onto their small yet cozy garden. On the other side of the room, is a beautiful white side-table. There are still some boxes remaining untouched in a corner that Cas has kept earlier in the morning. Cas unpacks and Claire grabs her dark blue lamp placing it on the small table along with some other fun toys and gadgets. Claire helps by clasping some storybooks from the box and placing them on the surface of the table. Claire, of course, has her own desk where they arrange to hold her school books and a never-ending array of stationery (Claire is a bit of a collector much to Cas’s chagrin). They decorate the walls with hand-drawn artworks from both Claire and Cas himself. The second box has all of Claire’s clothes: dresses, shirts, jeans, hats, winter clothing, and the incredible variety of shoes that never cease to amuse Cas. He arranges her clothes in the closet just like how Claire likes- in color-coded sections. 

After spending a few hours of organizing everything, Cas throws the empty boxes out of Claire’s room and into the corridor.

“What do you think, biscuit?” Cas asks smiling, leaning against the door frame admiring their work. “I love it!” Claire dances around, eyes glistening with excitement. 

“You wanna have lunch? Afterward, you can help me with my room too,” Cas suggests. Claire agrees with a loud enthusiastic ‘yes’ and follows Cas downstairs. 

***

Even though Claire always acts like she’s much older than six years old, she requested Cas to let her sleep with him during the first night in their new home. 

Cas thinks about how, maybe, this change will be good for both of them as he drifts off to sleep. 

The next day, Claire enrolls in her new school. Wanting to make sure Claire is in safe hands, Cas checks the school premise and talks with the teachers and before he leaves, he finds Claire to say goodbye. Leaving Claire in school, Cas heads back home. He still has a few days before starting work, so he decides to take advantage of the free days to rest up and unpack everything, especially all the paintings away which he keeps hidden from his daughter’s eyes. He chooses the room at the end of the hallway on the second floor as his painting room. He keeps the paintings stashed away in that room and makes a mental note to buy an extra lock for the door because he doesn’t want any prying eyes on the things inside the room. Realizing he needs to buy more food, Cas makes a grocery list. Since working for hours made him all sweaty and smelly, Cas takes a long warm shower and gets dressed in a white button-down and blue jeans. Locking the front door after pocketing the list, his wallet, sunglasses, and phone, Cas gets inside his black Audi. He notices a fire engine passing by his home just as he’s about to start the car, so he waits till the vehicle is gone before he starts the engine.

Driving through Lawrence was jarring, to say the least. It’s been twelve years since he passed through the same streets and everything seems to have changed, though the warm and comfortable weather of August didn't change. The sky is clear and blue without any clouds; Cas feels nostalgic just by looking at his vicinity. After a few minutes of driving, Cas stops across the street from Walmart. He waits till the traffic light changes to red before crossing the street. 

It takes more time than Cas thought it would take, so he hastily puts the shopping bags in the backseat of his car. Checking the time on his phone, Cas realizes Claire’s school is about to end, and if Claire doesn't find her dad waiting outside the school on the very first day, Cas will have to deal with an extremely angry Claire which, in turn, will make him frustrated with himself. Cursing internally, Cas runs a hand over his head. Driving to the school as quickly as he can without breaking any traffic rules can be challenging since he tends to forget about the speed limit- which often caused him to get speeding tickets in his younger days.

Cas’s phone rings, startling him, just as he crosses a T-intersection. He puts one of his Airpods in his left ear and answers the call.

“Hello, Castiel Novak speaking.”

“Hello, Castiel Novak’s favorite brother speaking.”

“Michael? You sound different...a bit squeaky.”

“Ouch, Cassie. You wound me. How come Michael the-stuck-up Novak can be your favorite brother? Huh? It’s me, Gabriel the-awesomest Novak. And secondly, my voice is fine as fuck, like honey-covered smoky charcoal.”

“How can a voice sound like hon- you know what? Nevermind. Anyways, How are you? And how’s the shop?”

“I’m good as always, thank you very much. The shop’s running great. How’s the new place? And how’s the princess? All good?”

“We both are fine. Claire started school today; she’s really excited and she actually loves her new room although it’ll take her some time to get used to the new surroundings.”

“Did you run into someone you know from the past yet?” Gabe asks in a suggestive voice. Cas can clearly picture Gabriel’s shit-eating grin from his voice.

“No. I don’t think anyone I know from the past still lives here.” Cas clears his throat and notices the red brick building of the school in a near distance. “I just reached Claire’s school. I’ll talk to you later. Take care.”

Gabe sighs loudly. “Okay, Cassie. Bye. And hug the munchkin extra tight on my behalf.”

“Bye.” Cas takes off the earbud and carefully parks the car in the school parking lot. It’s a close call since only two minutes are left for the school to end. 

Cas gets out of his car, leans against the door and crosses his arms across his chest, looking at the glass doors of the school entrance. He’s aware of some women, probably waiting for their kids, eyeing him from a distance but he ignores them, hoping for Claire to come out of the building soon.

The school bells ring boomingly and a throng of children comes out of the building, some are rushing to their parents while the others run to the playground. Cas doesn’t have to search for his daughter for long. Claire’s “Dad!” is loud enough to hear in the middle of all the chaos children are making. Cas smiles brightly and crouches just as Claire leaps into his arms. Holding Claire close to himself, Cas stands. 

“Hello, Claire bear. How’s your first day?”

“Hello, papa bear,” Claire says, laughing. “It was so awesome. I learned lots of cool words AND I got to paint a picture.”

“Really? That’s so amazing. Now, let’s go home. We can talk about what other new things you did on the road.” Cas opens the front passenger door and places Claire on the seat and puts the seatbelt on. After securing himself on the driver seat, Cas pulls out of the parking lot and navigates the car towards the direction of their new home, while Claire chatters about everything she did and talked about in her new class.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A face from the past and a flashback.
> 
> From Dean's POV this time.

_ “...Your kiss, my cheek _

_ I watched you leave _

_ Your smile, my ghost _

_ I fell to my knees _

_ When you're young, just to run _

_ But you come back to what you need _

_ This love is good _

_ This love is bad _

_ This love is a life back from the dead, oh _

_ These hands had to let it go free _

_ And, this love came back to me, oh…” _

  
  


“I’m off, guys!” Dean says, grabbing his jacket and keys as he walks out of the fire station at the end of his night shift. Charlie screams a goodbye somewhere in the distance causing Dean to smile and shake his head. The parking lot is empty except for his Baby and his friends’ cars. He slides into the driver’s seat of his beloved Impala and drives down the road.

Dean has a good life here in Lawrence. Everything is relatively quiet, but being part of the 136 Fire Station spices up his life a little. Dean loves being part of the 136 squad and is wholeheartedly determined to work his way up to the ladder to be captain one day. He made friends easily the moment he was put into the 136, Charlie being one of them. Benny and Garth are completely different people but somehow that dynamic works which always makes Dean proud. Charlie is one of their expert paramedics on the team alongside Sarah- one of Charlie’s close friends- and the two of them together are unstoppable. Dean enjoys going on rescues all the way from saving lives in burning buildings to helping mothers give birth, and even saving the neighborhood-friendly cat stuck up in a tree. 

It had been a long night shift. They had to rescue a little boy stuck up in his treehouse with no way down but the catch was that this little boy had swallowed a small object that got stuck in his throat. Charlie was small and light and she climbed up saving the boy before helping him come down.

Deciding to take a small coffee break before going home to take a long nap, Dean drives to Starbucks. After ordering a strong black large coffee, Dean takes a seat beside the window, looking at the people going on with their busy lives outside. He gazes out the window with his cup of coffee, sipping it gently, careful not to burn his mouth. That’s when he notices a figure in a navy blue suit get out of a shiny black car, phone, and a pair of sunglasses in his hand, looking a little stressed out for eight o’clock in the morning. The cup on his hand tilts a bit, coffee threatening to spill out but Dean doesn’t seem to even notice it as he just continues to stare. There is something so blatantly familiar about this person but he’s not able to focus his face enough to figure it out since reflection from the sunlight on the shop window is making it difficult to look properly. The man turns around, fixing his cuffs not realizing how Dean is gaping at him from the coffee shop. Dean’s eyes go wide and his breath hitches as he realizes who the man is. 

High school was a difficult period in Dean’s life, too much drama, and mayhem, and getting through a rollercoaster ride of emotions. However, back then, Dean had always believed Castiel would remain a constant in his life. He had never been more wrong. Now staring at the man, 12 years later, it seems like nothing had changed yet everything has changed. He had grown up. Castiel is far more muscular than Dean remembers since the form-fitting suit clearly looks stretched. Even from a long distance Dean can see small dark circles under his eyes which is probably due to busy years of work. His clean shaved face is more angular and Dean is pretty much sure the blue in Castiel’s eyes still remained unscathed.  _ He got more handsome _ , Dean’s mind provides.

Cas doesn’t seem to notice Dean; he grabs his black leather office bag from the backseat of his car, swinging it over his shoulder as he quickly stamps away into the building. Dean finally diverts his attention back to his almost spilling coffee, shaking out of his trance and ignoring how his heart keeps beating a little faster now.

_ Castiel Novak is back? Well…who would have thought?  _ Dean thinks, forcing his heart and brain to be calm.

  
  


**October 2006**

_ Dean opens the classroom door very slowly, expecting the teacher to stand in front of the whiteboard, ready to chastise him for being late...again. But fortunately, there is no angry teacher and half of the student desks are empty. Getting happier every second, Dean looks for a certain someone- someone with dark brown hair and eyes so blue, it reminds Dean of a swimming pool under the summer sky. After looking around for a moment, Dean finds whom he’s looking for.  _

_ Cas is sitting at the back of the classroom, head bowed down over something.  _ I bet it’s his sketchbook,  _ Dean guesses. As sneakily as possible, Dean walks up to Cas, hoping to startle him because scared Cas is a sight to behold; however, without looking up from his work, Cas wrecks his plan by saying, “Hello, Dean.” _

_ “How do you always know when I’m around you??” Dean huffs, sinking down on the chair beside Cas.  _

_ Cas looks at him with an amused smile. “You aren’t as sneaky as you think you are.”  _

_ Dean gasps dramatically, “How dare you?”  _

_ Cas rolls his eyes, turning back to his sketchbook. Dean peeks at the book and notices some random doodles on the page. Not finding any interesting thing, he takes the pens on Cas’s desk and puts two of them into his ear before putting one into his mouth. His eyes fall on the calendar hanging beside the blackboard and he drops the pen from his mouth, almost yelping.  _

_ “Dude. Cas. Castiel.” Dean shakes Cas’s arm.  _

_ “What, Dean?” _

_ “Matching costumes,” Dean says, grinning. Cas doesn’t ask what he’s talking about because Cas always knows what goes on in Dean’s mind. Cas turns his eyes to Dean, who knows Cas is on the verge of laughing at the ridiculous sight of him smiling like a maniac while pens hang out from Dean’s ears. _

_ “No,” Cas says, trying to keep a straight face. _

_ “Come on, Cas!” Dean pleads, standing from his chair and placing his ass on Cas’s table, not caring about the mess he’s making out of Cas’s stuff on the table. Dean’s eyes shimmer as the sunlight hits them at the right angle through the clear glass windows of the half-empty classroom. “Please?” Dean’s puppy eyes are on point which means Cas will eventually agree. _

_ Cas sighs, “Okay, fine, matching costumes it is. I don’t think I’ve ever done matching costumes for Halloween before, so this will be fun.”  _

_ Dean grins, pumping his fist in the air excitedly, “Sweet! Any ideas?”  _

_ Cas thinks for a second, eyes wondering to the way Dean was sitting on his table casually. Cas always does this adorable thing when he is deep in thought, where he furrows his eyebrows a little and his mouth hangs a little open as he focuses on one spot. Dean adores that look a little too much for his own good.  _

_ “What about Jo and Ash?” Cas asks, shaking his head as he snaps out of his trance. “We’ll have to ask them later, I guess.” _

_ Dean nods eagerly, “Sounds great! Now we-”  _

_ He gets interrupted when one of his teammates yells out, “Hey, Winchester! Get over here!”  _

_ Dean sighs, getting off the table, but his smile doesn’t falter. Dean bends a little to come to eye level with Cas, “I’ll text you.” Cas nods, looking away with a cute small smile. As Dean reluctantly walks over to his other friends, Dean gets the feeling of someone’s eyes on his back. His football teammates talk to him about their next game, but Dean’s mind is elsewhere. Dean looks over to Cas every now and then, feeling his stomach churn excitedly with the thought of having matching costumes with Cas. Cas momentarily glances up from his book to see Dean staring at him, not paying any attention to his friends. Cas smiles before returning to his book on his desk. Dean smiles to himself.  _

_ Castiel always manages to pull on his heartstrings, not just because of those ocean blue eyes and that undeniable gorgeous smile, but also the way Cas is mysterious; he keeps to himself yet he isn’t afraid to voice his opinion when the need comes. Dean isn’t much of an artist himself while Cas loves art. Cas lets him see his drawings every now and then, which always makes him floored by how much talent Cas has. Dean enjoys spending time with him, getting to know the ins and outs of what makes Castiel tick- the sound people talking bullshit- and what makes him happy- cheeseburgers and new art supplies, although his teammates aren’t too fond of him, claiming how he’s too quiet for their taste. But Dean doesn’t  _ care _ what anyone thinks as it’s already too late; Cas has him wrapped around his long and skilled finger.  _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter might be added tomorrow. 'Till then, enjoy and don't forget to leave kudos if you like it. <3


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's called the FORBIDDEN room for a reason, Claire...  
> Meanwhile, Dean tries to process what... or who he saw

_“...Feels like I'm spending my whole life waiting_

_Is there something more_

_Feels like I’m happier eyes closed dreaming_

_Than living anymore_

_By now I thought I'd have my shit together_

_By now I thought that I'd be doing better_

_Right now it’s looking like that might be never_

_Right now it's looking like that might be never_

_I thought that I'd be happier_

_Just thought that I'd be happier…”_

  
  


Days pass by as Castiel settles in fairly well with Claire in Lawrence. Claire is quite enjoying her new school; while a lot of her classmates are quite friendly with her, Claire considers only a few of them to be her close friends. Cas would bring Claire home during his lunch break, asking his daughter about her classes and friends and Claire is always thrilled to share her day.

Their first weekend rolled in. Claire wakes up a few hours after Cas, running down the stairs excitedly. Cas is in the kitchen, preparing breakfast- waffles with chocolate syrup and organic honey- aka Claire and Castiel’s favorite breakfast. Cas wishes her a good morning, picking up his daughter in his arms and giving her the warmest hug before twirling her around until she screams with laughter. After having breakfast, Cas promises they would work on their garden together as soon as Claire finishes her homework. 

Now determined more than ever, Claire sprints up to her room, burying her head in work. 

After a few short minutes, naturally, the little girl gets bored. She knows her father is finishing his work too, so seizing that opportunity, she tip-toes down the hallways trying to find him. Claire’s eyes fall on a slightly opened door of the room at the end of the hallway, which she’d dubbed as ‘The Forbidden Room’ since her dad strictly had told her not to go in that room. Curiosity will be the absolute end of Claire Novak because even though she knows damn well she’s not allowed in that room, she carefully peeps inside all the same. The first things she sees are stacks of painting frames and wooden canvases with white papers, and sketchbooks carefully placed on a table, along with paintbrushes and plastic boxes full of tubes of painting color. In the other end of the room, is a massive- probably around 8 feet- canvas covered with a white cloth. It’s something Claire had never seen before but was enthralled by it. Where did her father find such a massive canvas? Claire steps inside, glancing back to see if her father is nearby. When she sees the coast is clear, she walks to the canvas and pulls the cloth. Claire lets out an audible gasp as a painting of a man is revealed from under the cloth. The man in the painting is beautiful. He’s wearing a red flannel over a black shirt, and blue jeans. Sitting on the armrest of a sofa, he’s leaning against a wall behind him. The man has moss green eyes with golden specks and pouty lips. His face is sprinkled with freckles, especially on the bridge of his nose and the cheekbones. His hair is spiked and chestnut brown in colour. The most captivating part of the painting is the expression on the man’s face… or lack thereof. The face is completely void of expression as if he doesn’t feel anything. 

Claire is so struck by the beauty of the picture, she almost doesn’t hear the footsteps inching closer. Panicking, she hurries out the room, trying to make as little noise as possible but the creaky wooden panels on the floor betray her. Claire quickly returns to her room and jumps on the bed. Snatching a pencil, she starts to doodle on a page, when Cas peeks inside her room smiling.

“Hey sweetheart, you wanna help me with the garden now?” Cas asks. Claire nods and waits, watching her father leave before she quickly gets up and walks to her door; she watches as Cas hastily locks the door to The Forbidden Room. When Cas returns, he gently takes his daughter’s hand as they walk out to the garden hand in hand. 

They spend the rest of that day working on the garden, planting common flowers such as lilies and daisies, gardenias and roses; however, Cas wasn’t too sure if the roses would blossom well at this time of the year. The plan was to start with flowers and upgrade to plants for sustainable living. After gardening, they have lunch together- chicken marinara, Claire tells her father about the very well respected fire department she had heard so much about from her classmates and friends. 

“You know, there’s a boy in my class. His name is Jack Kline and he told me he lives in the same street as us.” Claire says as she chews on her chicken piece.

“Really? That’s great. We should go and introduce ourselves then. But first, finish your lunch.” Cas says before continuing his own food.

***

Dean knows Sam is probably busy with his job hunt yet he decides to call him because seeing Ca- seeing _him_ stole away his sleep and wrecked his calm. And hearing his younger brother’s voice always makes him focus on reality.

After a few rings, his younger brother answers, “Hello.”

“Heya, Sammy.” 

“It’s _Sam_.”

Dean chuckles despite his shit mood. After a moment of silence to clear his mind, Dean speaks, “How’s the job hunting going? Found any decent jobs yet? I know a few salons. They give the employees a discount for haircuts… you know, for your moose mane.”

“Very funny, Dean. Firstly, I don’t think my major in social work is acceptable in salons and secondly, my hair is fine, even good. Anyways, why did you call?”

“I’m _devastatingly_ offended, Sammy. I can’t even call my brother now?” Dean can clearly picture Sam’s eye-rolling at his mocking tone.

“No. But as far as I know, you had a night shift and as always around this time you turn on the silent mode of your phone and sleep like it’s your job. So, what happened?”

 _Damn, my brother knows me too well._ Dean thinks, shaking his head. 

“Uh...I saw someone today. In the cafe… I mean not in the cafe but near it… I mean I was sitting inside the cafe, minding my own business like a good-” Sam cuts him in the middle of his blubbering.

“Just get to the point. Who did you see?” Sam says, his voice filled with concern.

“C-Cas.” Dean curses himself for not being able to even say his name properly.

“ _Cas_?”

“Yes.”

“As in _Castiel_ Cas?”

“ Yes. Him. How many Cas’s do you think I know?”

“Fair point…are you sure it’s him? I mean it’s been too long since you’ve seen him. Maybe-“

“I know it’s him, Sam. I don’t think I can ever forget his face. He’s my-” Dean snaps.

“Okay, I understand. Now calm down.”

“I am calm.” Dean lies, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“So he’s back, huh?”

“It seems like it...yeah.”

“How are you feeling now?” Sam says in a serious voice. 

“Okay. That’s it. I ain’t turning this conversation into a chick flick moment.” Dean knows Sam will try to talk about his feelings at every chance he will so he’s gonna try to delay _that_ conversation for as long as possible. He’d rather jump off a building than talk about _feelings._ Ugh.

“Okay. Don’t need to be so defensive. Jeez. I gotta go now.”

“Okay. Bye Sammy.”

“Bye _Deanie._ ”

Sam ends the call before Dean can tell him not to call him that. Dean keeps the phone on the side table beside his bed and looks around. He doesn’t even remember how he’d drove back to his home.

After coming home, he’d shrugged off his uniform. Then, not bothering to shower, he sat at the edge of his bed, just in his black boxer briefs, and stared at the ceiling for who knows how long.

 _I shouldn’t let him affect me or any life anymore. I’m doing great. I have been doing great._ Dean thinks as he goes to the bathroom and turns on the tap. Cupping his palms, he collects cold water and splatters it onto his face. Dean looks up at his reflection on the mirror. The face staring back at him looks a little pale as water droplets roll down the face. The only sound he can hear is the _drip drip drip_ of the water as it falls from the mouth of the tap onto the white basin and the harsh sound of him breathing through his nose. Running his wet hand over his hair, Dean looks away, too afraid to see what he’s trying to express. Back in his room, he drops face down on his bed and closes his eyes. Dean gradually falls asleep, a dream of blue eyes, and an innocent smile from the past haunting him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter but exciting stuff coming soon! For now, enjoy this chapter and forget to leave kudos and comment to let us know what do you think about our story so far. <3


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 136 fire department gets a call about an office building on fire where Dean has to rescue someone extremely familiar...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check the tags before reading and don't forget to leave kudos if you like what you read! :)

_“...You can't run, run, run from the smoking gong_

_Caught in the crosshairs of the things we've done_

_There's no hiding place, not a secret safe_

_What is lost will be found (what is lost will be found)_

_You can't run, run, run from the smoking gong_

_Caught in the crosshairs of the things we've done_

_There's no hiding place, not a secret safe_

_What is lost will be found (what is lost will be found)_

_When the truth hunts you down…”_

  
  


Days pass as Dean tries to continue with his life, unable to shake off the piercing blue eyes that are now carved into his brain...yet again. He thinks about Cas every day whenever his brain isn’t preoccupied with the job. Charlie being his closest friend, notices how he's been more absent-minded lately. She tries to ask what’s wrong but Dean just shrugs it off. 

It’s a bright September morning when the 136 squad gets a call about a blaze in one of the office buildings downtown. Apparently, it had started out small but then spread to the nearby rooms within a few minutes, taking out an entire floor and trapping a few people in there. 

The team gets ready and quickly speeds down the roads of Lawrence, reaching the site within a few minutes. Halting on their feet, they gape at the fire erupting out the windows from the fifth floor, along with the other floors.

“Okay, that’s not too high up. Sarah and Charlie check up on everyone here on the ground, Benny and Dean go in there and get out whoever you can. Garth and the rest of you, pull out the hoses- we gotta put out this fire! Let's go!” Donna, the captain of 136 squad, orders. Everyone gets to work without a second thought. Garth, although scrawny, manages to pull out the hoses and open up the water. But he knows that wouldn’t be enough to put this massive fire out, so he sprints to the closest fire hydrant fixing the hose to it, letting the water flow through. Meanwhile, Dean and Benny pull on their yellow protective gear before darting into the heat which is as intense as the entrance of the Hell, leaving their team behind on the ground. The building is on the verge of collapse, and Benny sees a few people scurrying out. 

“Dean! Cap' said according to the survivors, there are some people stuck in room 511!” Benny calls out after inquiring about the number of people who were in the building from the ones who managed to escape. Dean nods, waddling through the sea of smoke and flame, using the stairs to get to the 5th floor in record time with Benny on his heels. Benny finds four citizens stuck on the fifth floor, looking absolutely terrified and weak, clearly having breathing problems. They help usher everyone out while checking around for any other trapped people. 

One of the ladies grabs Dean’s hand, “My boss, he’s in there! Please help him!” Dean quickly glances over to Benny who immediately nods in return. Dean and Benny have that relationship where they could speak a thousand words with just one look which always comes in handy during distress calls like this. 

Dean climbs up the stairs once more, now yelling, “Hey!! Is anyone there?” He rummages through the thick layer of smoke and fire, pushing away broken and burning slabs of walls in the hallway- or what used to be a hallway.

“Here! I-I'm he-here”, comes a raspy male voice from the other end of the hallway. Dean rushes closer to the voice, pushing away debris blocking his way until he finds the man leaning against the wall coughing and clutching his chest. Dean almost goes numb, recognizing the man but after a moment of stillness, his brain drives right back into action. 

“Come here,” Dean says, taking off his mask and handing it over to the man. The man takes it without hesitation. The man’s eyes are red-rimmed and unfocused; he fumbles with the mask before putting it on his face. The area of the wall beside them begins to fall apart, and a rush of fire brushes close to Dean. Without waiting for a moment, Dean pulls the man close to him by gripping his waist tightly.

“Ladder 136, this is Captain Hanscum, Winchester, do you copy?” A voice came in through the radio. 

“Dean responding, is everything okay over there, Cap'?” Dean replies back into the radio attached to his gear, covering the lower part of his face with the arm not holding the man.

“Dean, the fire on your side is getting out of control, you need to leave now!” Donna yells from the radio. 

“Got it. Over,” Dean answers back quickly, turning back to the man in his arms. 

Dean swears, covering the man with his body as more rubble fall over, “Fucking hell, Cas, come on.” The man with the blue eyes turns to look at his face, finally recognizing the voice calling his name. Examining his face, Dean realizes Cas is severely bruised and struggling to breathe despite wearing the mask. Dean pulls Cas away from the fire and away from the crumbling wall. He doesn’t take off the coat Cas is wearing in case it helps protect him from the flames, but he removes his dark blue tie and unbuttons the top two buttons of his white shirt which helps Cas breathe a bit easier. Dean hooks an arm around Cas's torso, pulling him along the hallway while dodging the sudden outbursts of fire and everything that's falling apart around them. 

They’re almost down the stairs when Cas’s feet give way and he collapses. Dean catches him in time before his knees hit the ground. 

“Cas, please, come on! We’re almost there!” Dean grumbles, struggling to pull Cas to his feet. 

“Dean, I can’t-” Cas coughs out weakly. 

“No. You can. After all these years, you do NOT get to just give up on me, Castiel. Get the fuck up!” Dean hauls Cas up to his feet using every last ounce of energy he has left. Cas groans but he keeps fighting regardless, slinging his arm around Dean’s neck, pulling himself closer to Dean. Neither of them say a word as Dean manages to help Cas out of the building. With a gurney, Charlie rushes over to Dean and Castiel. Putting the gurney on the ground, Charlie shines a small torch into Cas’s eye checking his pupil's response and then checks his wounds and heartbeat using a stethoscope, while Dean holds him securely.

"His eyes are red, maybe due to smoke, and his heartbeat is a bit fast. Got some burns too. He should be taken to the hospital for observation." Charlie explains rapidly.

“Take him,” Dean says to Charlie. They settle him down on a gurney carefully and strap him to the gurney with the belts.

“Dad!!” A small voice squeaks out from somewhere. Dean turns around, ripping off his gear, to see a small little girl dodging past the police officers and runs directly into Castiel. Dean watches as this little girl in a pretty purple dress almost climbs the gurney trying to hug Cas. 

“Hey, baby, yo-you shouldn’t be here,” Cas coughs again, trying to hold the girl. 

“Dad, you’re okay,” The girl says, hugging Cas with her little arms. She turns to see Dean watching them with a baffled expression on his sweaty face. 

“Thank you for saving my dad,” she says in a wobbly voice. Dean lets go of Cas's hand and gulps, eyes wafting from Cas to the girl. Donna rushes to them and gently pulls the girl away, “What’s your name, sweetheart?” 

“I’m Claire,” She responds, eyes darting to Dean's face with a peculiar expression. 

“And I’m Donna. Now, Claire, why don’t you stay with me while we check up on your dad?” Donna asks sweetly to which Claire nods after hesitating for a few seconds, clinging onto Donna as she takes her to a distance. Dean stares back at Cas who’s now got his eyes closed. 

_He’s got a kid. Maybe a wife...or a husband too. And here I am, still struggling to forget him like a pathetic loser._ Dean thinks bitterly, stepping backward and looking away from the face which somehow managed to twist the knife that has been stuck in his heart for the last twelve years.

As the medics pick up Cas and put him in an ambulance, while Claire stands nearby with a brown-haired woman and a blond boy around Claire's age, Dean leans against a fire engine, beside his colleagues, desperately trying to think about anything else other than the man who’s now laying in the ambulance, unconscious. 

***

Out of the five senses, hearing is the first one Cas gains. The _beep beep beep_ of the several machines attached to his body is one of the things he hears. Second is the sound of his own breathing, harsh and rough, underneath the oxygen mask covering half of his face. His eyes move under the eyelids as he starts to feel the pain coursing through his body. He groans as he tries to move but fails eventually. Castiel opens his eyes and immediately regrets as the lights, which seem too bright, assaults his eyesight. He shuts his eyes tight, wondering why there's no one with him right now. However, as he closes his eyes, he recalls the fire. Scenes flash before him like a high-definition television screen- the immensely overwhelming heat burning into his skin and the smoke filling his lungs; Dean pulling him into his chest and covering him from the smoke, Dean begging Cas to keep fighting while looking at him with his beautiful green eyes- and forcefully Cas opens his eyes again, wincing at the brightness of the room as he struggles to sit upright. A nurse hurries in with a clipboard and some papers. 

“Woah, there, handsome. Easy,” she looks much younger than himself. The nurse helps Cas sit upright, removing the masks and tubes from him but very cautiously. 

“You got very lucky, Mr. Novak. That fire could have done a lot more damage to you had the firefighter not covered you from the smoke and flames. You’ve got a few bruises, some on your ribs. The doctor believes you must have bumped into something in that burning building and caused some minor internal bleeding near the shoulder joint. But it’s nothing too serious. You suffered a concussion, and your lungs are rather weak now. We’re going to keep you here for a day or two and monitor your progress,” the nurse finally finishes. 

Cas nods but he was more worried about Claire, “Do you know where’s my daughter? She was there at the site.” 

“Oh, your little one is with your neighbor. Ms. Kline was very worried about you and has told me to tell you that she’s gonna look after Claire in your absence. She’ll be coming later tonight to see you. I’m Jessica, by the way,” the nurse says, with a kind smile. Cas takes a moment to watch her as she scribbles something in her notes. Jessica, the nurse, has long blonde hair that is tied up neatly. 

“Thank you for looking after me,” Cas says after a moment. 

She looks up with a small smile, “Just part of my job.” 

Later that night, Kelly Kline comes by to check up on Cas, promising to look after Claire well. When Castiel asks how claire got to know about the fire, Kelly informs him how his daughter had seen the news and recognized the building since Cas had taken his daughter there to show where he'd be before dropping her off at the school. 

Since the day Cas and his daughter have gone to visit Kelly Kline at her house to introduce themselves, he knows she has a trusting and kind aura to her that set Cas’s unsettling nerves at ease, along with the fact that Claire is close friends with Kelly’s son, Jack, from school.

Kelly stays with Cas for a while, until Cas passes out from the medication in his system and drifts into a very deep sleep. 

  
  
  
  
  



	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean finds himself growing unexpectedly close to the little Novak as the 136 team makes a trip to the school.
> 
> And another flashback from two POVs.

_“...Black velvet gloves and tunnel vision, tangerine tongue_

_I'm way too good at bad decisions, and he's the worst one_

_My four-leaf clover keep me wishing, hands on the gun_

_He's got his spell on me, and I can't believe_

_That I feel so weak, that I fell so deep_

_He's my cherry crush, my blunderbuss_

_Living lies and lust, mmm, sex and stardust…”_

After the ambulance, which is transporting Cas to the hospital, leaves the site, Dean returns to the station, along with Charlie and Benny. Not in the mood to talk to anyone, he immerses himself in the paperwork in a corner of the second floor. After some time, Donna, who went to the hospital to check up on the survivors, returns to the station and sits on a chair near Dean.

“Phew. What a night.” Donna says, massaging her forehead.

“Tell me about me.” Dean murmurs.

“Remember the little girl, Claire?” Donna asks after a few moments. Dean just grunts in reply. “Well, she’s lucky you got to her dad in time, otherwise that poor kid would have lost him too.” The last part of the sentence gets Dean’s attention.

“What? Lose him _too_? What about her other parent?” Dean questions, carefully controlling his voice.

“I asked her about her mom and found out that it’s only she and her dad in Lawrence and that her mom lives with the ‘angels’.” Donna has a forlorn expression by the time she finishes talking.

Dean clearly knows what Claire means by that. Cas losing his wife and having to take care of his daughter alone doesn’t sit well with Dean and something pulls from the inside him just by thinking about the fact that all these years he’s thought how Cas might have lived a great life when, in reality, he’d been busy with his little daughter.

*** 

Since Cas is out of commission for at least a week, it’s decided that Claire would have to go to school with Ms. Kelly and Jack. The little Novak listens quietly as her classmates talk about the fire without saying anything. She is still worried about her dad even though her dad promised that he’s fine. A few students had run up to Claire asking about her dad on her first day back after the incident. Two days have passed and after analyzing the whole situation, the investigation department has revealed the cause of the fire as a short circuit in the main circuit board of the building.

Today, the local fire department is supposed to come to school and teach the kids about fire hazards and all the safety precautions. 

The 136 team arrives during the fourth period of grade one with their bags of gear to show the kids. All the kids gather around the bags, examining the equipment. Claire sees Ms. Donna, and Dean talk and laugh with her classmates so she joins them, walking up to Dean and standing beside him with a shy smile and earns a wink as Dean continues to tell a story about how he’d once saved a dog from a collapsed building. Once the kids settle down, the firefighters show a slideshow displaying all the essential safety precautions, telling stories about rescuing people from fires and jumping into some more crumbling buildings. 

After their show-and-explain session ends, their team goes around, individually speaking with the kids and getting to know them better. The kids are insanely curious about the rescues and calls the firefighters go on. At the end of the day, Dean kneels beside Claire, smiling brightly. 

“Hi! I’m Claire,” Claire says equally excited. 

“Ah yes, I remember you. Hello, Claire, I’m Dean,” Dean grins back, shaking hands with the little girl, “I love your jacket by the way.” 

Claire’s eyes sparkle, “Really? My dad bought it for me last year!” Claire says, smiling down at her purple glittery jacket.

Dean’s smile falls a little at the mention of Cas, “How’s your father, Claire? Cas, right?” 

Claire nods, staring at the colorful bead bracelet around her wrist, “He’s supposed to be leaving the hospital tonight. He’s fine now, all thanks to you.” 

Dean sighs thinking, _Cas had been in the hospital this entire time? Should I have gone to visit him? Did he expect me to visit him??_

“You know, you look exactly like the man in my dad’s huge painting. Do you know him?” Claire asks curiously, snapping Dean out of his stupor.

For a moment, Dean thinks about what the little girl might be talking about. _She probably saw one of Cas’s old sketches._ Dean assumes and shrugs it off. Dean runs a hand through his hair nervously, “Um- we went to the same high school. Do you paint too?” He quickly changes the conversation back to her. He doesn’t know how much Claire knows about him- _Very little probably considering Cas and I didn’t end on a high note_ , his mind not so helpfully provides- and he definitely has no intention to open up that can of worms.

“Yes, I do! I love to draw. Do you draw too?” Claire asks, now fully invested in Dean. 

Dean laughs lightly, “No way,” he singsongs, “I’m definitely not an artist but I enjoy music.” 

Claire beams at Dean and they talk a bit more. Dean very quickly realizes he absolutely adores this little girl. _She’s got Cas’s smile,_ Dean thinks as they speak. Dean can see a small spark of Cas’s personality shining through Claire’s azure eyes and it breaks his heart all over again. 

**November 2006**

_Cas opens his locker and takes out his economics book, putting it in his backpack, along with his sketchbook and few copies. He hears footfalls behind him and swivels around after shutting his locker with a loud_ thud _. Dean and Jo are both standing in front of him, Dean looks sheepish while Jo is looking around like she wants to gut someone. At that very moment, seeing his friends, Cas realizes something is wrong._

_“What did you both do this time?” Cas asks as he starts to walk towards his classroom, knowing the other two would follow him without any questions._

_“Look, it was completely those two dickfaces’ fault.” Jo hisses, gripping her bag straps tightly._

_“Yeah, exactly. We are_ totally _innocent.” Dean adds, nodding vigorously._

_Cas rolls his eyes, “I’m not believing a word you are saying. So tell me exactly what happened which got both of your panties in a twist.”_

_“Okay, here’s what happened,” Dean begins, walking closer to Cas, “Jo and I were sitting on the stairway, minding our own business as usual. Out of nowhere, Josh and Urie come, dragging that poor freshmen kid- what’s his name, Jo?”_

_“Paul,” Jo says, quickly._

_“Yes, Paul. So, they were dragging Paul by his shirt collar, probably going somewhere remote to beat him.-”_

_“So we decided to intervene.” Jo interrupts._

_“You decided to intervene?” Cas repeats, arching his right eyebrow._

_“Yep. We stopped them by persuading them to leave Paul alone._ But, _once they let Paul go_ , _they turned to us, clearly wanting to hit us so we did it first.”_

 _“You did what?_ Hit _them?”_

_“Yes. Just one punch each, that’s all.”_

_“Then what’s the problem?”_

_Dean mumbles something too low for Cas to hear, so Jo speaks up, ”Principal ma’am saw us. And gave us detention.”_

_“For fuck’s sake. What am I gonna do with you two idiots? This is the_ second _time you somehow managed to get detention this week.” Cas says firmly._

_“It wasn’t our fault this time. Just wrong timing, I guess. And this isn’t the main problem.”_

_“Then what on earth is the main problem?” Cas asks, already exasperated._

_“Uh...I heard Lisa and her boyfriend also got detention for getting caught in a ‘compromising position’. Which means they will be with us during the detention. And I’m pretty much sure, the boyfriend is gonna eat me alive after what I did at the party last night.” Dean informs, shaking his head._

_“I always tell you not to flirt with everything that moves. Yet you never listen and it always gets you in trouble.” Cas almost snaps, feeling irritated suddenly. Watching Dean flirt with girls and boys without any hesitation always manages to make Cas feel miserable and sad._ Why did I have to have a crush on someone who is too handsome and flirty for his own good, _Cas thinks, rolling his eyes mentally._

_“Cas, I got an idea.” Jo interrupts his thoughts. “You know how Lisa doesn’t like Cas... like at all? We can use it to make sure she stays away from Dean which can make her boy toy to stay away too.”_

_“But how? Cas got econ after-” Dean checks the black wristwatch dangling from his wrist, “-fifteen minutes. And it’s the last period.”_

_“Leave that problem to me,” Cas says, looking away from his friends. His eyes fall on Mark, one of Josh’s friends and one of the school bullies, coming down the hallway from the other direction._

_“Whatcha gonna do, Cas?”_

_Ignoring Dean’s question, Cas starts power walking towards Mark. Just as he bypasses Mark, Cas bumps into Mark’s shoulder, hard enough to make Mark stumble. Pretending to ignore Mark, Cas continues moving. Just after taking a couple of steps, Cas is stopped by a hand on his shoulder. Feeling smug, Cas turns around with a poker face, not letting any emotions show on his face._

_“Hello. Do you need anything?”_

_“Shut it, loser. Why did you shove me?” Mark snarls, pushing on Cas’s shoulders, making him move closer to the rows of lockers._

_From the corner of his eyes, Cas sees Dean take a step forward towards him._

_“I don’t know what you are talking about..._ jerk _.” Cas knows Mark is short-tempered and is probably two seconds away from punching him so he does exactly what he needs to do. He adjusts his backpack on his shoulder and tries to move. “Can you please stop wasting my time? I don’t have time for the bullies like you.”_

 _“Bullies? That’s it. You are_ done _.” Mark grips Cas’s shoulder and punches his face, right under the right eye. Cas stumbles but instead of backing away, he steps forward and gives a hard shove at Mark’s chest. A crowd is forming around them, people clearly interested in the fight between the school bully and a quiet and good student._

_“How dare-” Before Mark can finish speaking, Cas swings his left hand and punches Mark, right on his nose, the crunching sound of the nose breaking clear enough to hear._

_Before Mark can do anything, a voice booms from the crowd._

_“STOP FIGHTING.” The voice belongs to the Principal who’s now walking to them with an angry expression of her face._

_“What is going on here? Will anyone care to explain?”_

_Cas straightens his black shirt and speaks up, “I was hurrying to my class when, by mistake, I bumped into Mark. Then he stopped me and started to badmouth me and punched me. So I punched him back.” Cas informs the principal who’s now glaring at him and Mark._

_“Why are teens always hellbent on fighting with each other? Anyways, both of you are getting detention. Next time, I’m gonna call your parents. Now go to your class.” The principal decides, her voice firm and angry. She turns around and tells the students still standing there to go to their classes before going away. Mark glares at Cas before he turns around and leaves._

_A slap on his arm makes Cas look away from Mark’s retreating figure to see his friends standing beside him. Dean is frowning at him while Jo is smiling like an evil witch._

_“When we said we need your help, we didn’t mean you should punch someone.” Dean chides while Jo rolls her eyes._

_“Ignore him, Cas. It was so awesome watching you punch that dickbag right on his face.”_

_“Yeah yeah, it’s okay. Now let’s go for detention.”_

_***_

_After the school ends, Dean goes to the library for detention, where Cas and Jo are already waiting for him, along with other students who are also getting detention. He sees Lisa and her boyfriend looking at him from their seats. Trying to ignore them, Dean sits beside Cas and watches as the librarian comes out of the storage room of the library and stands beside a rack full of books._

_“These books need to be placed on the shelves so pair up and get to work. The quicker you finish, the sooner you can leave. And no talking. Understood?”_

_The students nod in agreement and watch as the librarian goes away._

_Dean grabs Cas’s hand, ignoring the flutter in his stomach, and stands up. Just as Lisa’s boyfriend steps forward, looking at him with a deadly look, Dean hastily drags Cas towards the exit._

_“Cas’s bruise needs to be treated. We’ll be back.” He informs Jo without turning back._

_Dean and Cas walk quickly to the bathroom at the end of the hallway and lock the door from inside._

_Without looking at Cas, Dean takes out his handkerchief from his jeans pocket and wets it with tap water. Sensing the warmth on his back Dean looks up. He sees himself in the mirror, along with Cas who’s now standing right behind him, looking at him with so much intensity, Dean can’t help but stare back at him._

_Squeezing the cloth to remove excess water, Dean twists around and leans his ass on the basin countertop, spreading his bowlegs enough wide for Cas to come closer to him and stand between his legs. Taking a deep breath, Dean lifts Cas’s chin with two fingers and looks at the purple bruise under his right eye, which is somehow making his eye look even brighter and bluer than usual._ Get a fucking grip _, Dean scolds himself while dabbing the wet handkerchief on the bruise. Cas winces a bit and doesn’t say anything. He merely places his hands on the countertop on either side of Dean, essentially trapping Dean in front of him. Dean takes a deep breath, desperately trying to ignore the warmth radiating from Cas’s body, the musky scent of his body mixed with the lemon-scented body wash he’d probably used, and the fact that this is the first time Dean’s come this close to Cas._

_“Dean.” Cas’s voice is lower than usual which makes Dean shiver a little._

_“Yeah?” Dean whoops internally for not sounding too breathless,_

_“You can remove the cloth. It’s okay.”_

_“How is it okay? I didn’t want you to get punched. And as a matter of fact. I didn’t want you to punch someone else either.”_

_“I've wanted to punch Mark since Thursday.”_

_“Why? What did the fucker do?” Dean looks up from the bruise and stares at Cas’s eyes._ So fucking blue, Dean’s inner voice sighs.

_“He’d ruined the sketch I was doing last week,” Cas says, shrugging._

_“Should’ve told me that before. We could have punched that douche together.”_

_Dean wants to punch that idiot so badly. How dare he do that to Cas?_

_“I know. That’s why I’m telling you now. Forget it. I don’t want you to get hurt for me.”_

_“But I can’t just watch you get bullied just because you aren’t like the others.” Dean murmurs, feeling annoyed._

_Cas touches Dean’s elbow which soothes him a bit. “Thanks for the treatment.”_

_“Is it hurting a lot?” Dean asks moving the handkerchief away from the bruise and checking it with critical eyes._

_“No, it’s all good.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“Okay,” Cas says, smiling a bit which makes him look so cute Dean’s heart skips a beat._


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean comes to rescue...yet again. And Cas makes a decision.
> 
> Don't forget to check the tags before reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS! We're back and we got a new chapter for you. But, firstly, we wanna apologize for the delay. Given the incidents that happened during the last few days, we thought it'd be better if we pause for a bit because most people, along with us, weren't in a great mood. So, anyway, enjoy the chapter and hopefully, we'll post the next one next week. Don't forget to leave comments and kudos if you like what you read. <3

_ “...I'll get it if you need it, _

_ I'll search if you can't see it, _

_ You're thirsty, I'll be rain, _

_ You get hurt, I'll take your pain. _

_ I know you don't believe it, _

_ But I said it and I still mean it, _

_ When you heard what I told you, _

_ When you get worried I'll be your soldier…” _

  
  


Cas is discharged from the hospital after two days of constant observation and care. After taking him back home, Kelly insists that she and Jack stay over to help but Cas already feels guilty and says they’ll be fine. Regardless, Kelly prepares food and stores them in the refrigerator for Cas and Claire. After talking to both of his brothers on the phone and assuring them that he’s fine and doesn’t need them to come to take care of him and his daughter, Cas is resting in his room when Claire goes to his room and climbs onto his bed, laying down beside him.

“Are you okay now, dad?” Claire’s worried voice and frown on her little face melt Cas’s heart. 

“I’m doing good, Claire bear. How was school? Also, I talked with your uncles and they sent you their love.” Cas asks, wrapping one arm around his daughter. 

“It was good, though they are still talking about the fire. I don’t like it at all.” Claire pouts, burying her face in Cas’s shoulder. Cas carefully shifts and pulls his daughter closer. Kissing her forehead, he rests his nose on Claire’s hair, which smells like strawberries. “It’s okay, baby. They will forget about it soon then you won’t have to be sad. What else happened today? Did you learn something new?” 

“The firefighters came to school today. They taught us how to stay safe and showed us their uniforms! I spoke with some of them, and remember the fireman who saved you? He was there too and told me his name is Dean. He was very nice to me and my friends. And he loves pie, just like me. I like him a lot.” Claire says.

Cas smiles despite his heart getting a bit heavy, “That’s great to hear, sweetheart.” 

“Dean was worried about you, you know,” Claire pushes further, “And he told me that you and he went to the same school.”

For a moment, Cas deliberates whether to tell her the truth or not. However, he never wants to lie to his daughter about anything, especially if it’s something serious like this, so he nods, “Yes, we did. But that was a very long time ago. Anyways, you should sleep now, pumpkin. It’s getting late.” 

“It’s awesome, dad,” Claire smiles, hugging her father and bidding him goodnight. 

Cas sinks back into his pillow, thinking about what his daughter said about Dean. Closing his eyes, Cas immediately drifts off to sleep. After a few minutes of peaceful sleep, his dreams morph into nightmares. Cas twists and turns as he gets transported back into that god-awful scorching blaze. Cas dreams of the heat piercing into his skin. The smoke burning in his lungs and the acrid smell of the fire burning through his nose. The fire roars, almost sounding like the hellhounds from hell. Then the swirls of red and yellow fire and black smoke transform into a shape- into a human body. Cas becomes immobile with fear as the body moves closer and closer until his vision is filled with its face. Cas can see the green with the gold specks, which always reminds him of summer fields, dancing in Dean’s eyes under the heavy mask. Cas dreams of Dean protecting him and holding him close to his chest and to his heart just like he had done a thousand times in the past.  _ It’s supposed to feel familiar- to feel like home, _ Cas thinks. However, it doesn’t, maybe for a good reason. 

***

The next day, Claire wakes up before her dad does. Cas is still passed out in his room, so Claire tiptoes to The Forbidden Room, trying to open it but it’s locked. She turns the doorknob again but it doesn’t budge. Claire sighs in disappointment; she wanted to see if the man in the painting is actually Dean or not. She likes Dean. She likes how Dean is so committed to his job, how he loves pie just like her, and how kind he is. She likes his smile- it reminds her of bright sunny days in the park with her dad. And most importantly, she likes that Dean saved her father. 

***

Dean is humming  _ When The Levee Breaks  _ while driving the large fire engine down the street as the sun shines on the morning sky. He had to respond to an emergency early in the morning which turned out to be just an old man, with back pain, needing help to get up from the floor after he fell off the chair. It was very rare for Donna to allow him to respond to emergencies alone because they would respond to calls as a team- it was always safer to work as a team or pairs. After all, two heads are better than one, right?- but because it had been a light day and nothing was so serious, she had allowed it.

A few moments later, he gets an alert of another emergency from the 9-1-1 dispatch center. The operator tells him a parent of a six years old girl called 9-1-1 to inform them that his daughter choked on something she had swallowed by mistake. Dean quickly inputs the location of the caller into the GPS and races down the street after turning on the siren.

Within a couple of minutes, he arrives at the location since he was nearby the block. Dean grabs the emergency kit and runs to the main door, raising his hand to knock when the white wooden door opens.

“Oh thank god you are- Dean.” Cas is standing on the other side of the door, wearing nothing but only a grey sweatpant that is hanging low on his hip, revealing his tanned torso.

For a moment, Dean can’t speak...nor can he breathe because Cas is standing right in front of him. Seems like Cas is shocked too because his mouth is open and eyes are widened as if he is seeing a ghost. Dean’s eyes lock on Cas’s blue ones and for that moment everything stops. Dean is drowning in the blue just like he did all those years ago. His heartbeats get faster and faster in every passing moment.  _ Is Cas feeling it too? The spark between us?  _ Dean’s heart desperately asks, wanting to know the answer, yet his brain doesn’t allow him to think about it. A choking noise comes from somewhere and it breaks the spell between Dean and Cas.

“Oh fuck,” Cas hisses, twisting around and almost runs into the house. Silently, Dean follows him through the hallway and steps inside the living room where he finds Claire sitting on a white leather couch with Cas who’s now crouching in front of her, holding her hands. 

Dean doesn’t have to ask what’s wrong because he can clearly see the emergency. Claire is almost red on her face while tears flow down her face. Her eyes are wide, high pitched squealing noises coming out of her opened mouth. Dean rushes and sits beside her, examining the cyanosis around her lips- blue color showing signs of oxygen deprivation.

“I-I didn’t know what to do. I was in the office while she’s playing in her room. I heard a sound and when I went to her room I saw her like- like this.” Cas frantically explains, rubbing his daughter’s hands soothingly. His eyes begin to tear up uncontrollably. 

“Cas, calm down. I know what to do.” Dean says, standing up and carefully pulling Claire off the couch and making her stand in front of him. He kneels to Claire’s level, gently but quickly wrapping his arms around him, one hand curled into a fist and the other covering over it. He places both hands just above Claire’s belly button, and begins the inwards and upwards thrust. Claire responds by coughing with more intensity and soon enough, she coughs up a small object- a small block of chocolate- and takes heavy deep breaths in. Cas kneels forward, cupping Claire’s face. 

“Claire, baby, are you okay? How did it happen?” Cas’s eyes are wide and his voice is shaky. Claire nods, tears still flowing from her eyes. She falls into her father’s arms and wraps her arms around her father’s neck tightly, as Dean slowly eases his grip on her still trembling body. 

“I- I was hung-hungry so I took the box of chocolate Uncle Gabe se-sent me. A-a crow flew in thr-through the win-window and I got scared, papa bear. And-and swallowed the chocolate which was in-in my mouth.” Claire stutters, her face is back to its normal peaches-and-cream color though Dean suspects she’s still a bit unsettled.

Cas looks directly into Dean’s eyes mouthing, “Thank you.”

Dean knows Cas is thanking him for saving his daughter which is  _ literally  _ his job yet he can’t help but feel offended because saving someone Cas is related to shouldn’t come with a ‘thank you’. Even though they aren’t... friends anymore, Dean is always happy to help Cas, although it is hurting like a bitch to see him again.

Dean is brought back to the present when he feels a tug on his hand. He looks down to find Claire staring at him with a sweet smile on her face and happiness in her eyes. Just as he opens his mouth to speak, Claire locks her hands around his waist tightly and buries her face on his stomach. Dean stills as he hears a muffled ‘thank you very much’. Not knowing what to do, he glances up to Cas who’s now watching him and Claire with an unreadable face. 

Slowly and hesitatingly, Dean puts his hands on the little girl’s shoulders and bows his head low enough to kiss Claire on her head. 

“Don’t have to thank me, kiddo. It’s kinda my job.” He says in a rough voice, willing himself not to look at the man standing in front of him. 

Claire pulls away, “I know. But dad always says we gotta say ‘thank you’ when someone helps you. And you’ve helped me twice. First, you saved my dad and now you saved me.” 

Dean’s heart turns mushy and he lets out a chuckle, “Well, in that case, you are welcome. Just don’t eat anything which you shouldn’t again.”

“Okay…” Suddenly, Claire’s smile gets bigger, “I just remembered I got something for you. Please wait here.” With that, Claire rushes out of the living room. Leaving Dean alone with her dad. 

As Dean turns his face to Cas, he notices Cas is looking everywhere but at him. Dean clears his throat which makes Cas look at him. 

“So-“ “Uh-”, they both speak up at the same time. 

Dean rubs the back of his neck, choosing to be silent and let Cas speak first.

“Uh… I know you don’t want my thanks but still… I appreciate it. Claire- she is my life. If something happens to- I don’t know what I’d have done.” Cas says, his voice a bit gravelly and his eyes filled with so much sincerity, Dean almost takes a step towards him but stops at the last moment. 

“It’s okay. I’d have done the same for anyone else.”

Cas nods and runs a hand over his already messy hair which attracts Dean’s eyes. And what a treat it is for Dean’s eyes. Unwittingly, his eyes started to take in the change in Cas’s body that happened over the past twelve years. Cas has abs now, which looks so well-defined and solid, Dean’s ears burn and his brain almost short circuits. The happy trail disappearing underneath his sweatpant isn't helping either. Not to mention the meaty part of the collarbone and the bulging biceps. 

“Dean?” Dean startles, realizing he’s been ogling at Cas’s body for too long. His neck and chest flush and his ears turn red. Hesitantly, he turns his eyes to Cas’s face and notices the blank expression he’s sporting. 

“We gotta stop meeting like this,” Dean lets out a choked chuckle trying to get rid of the awkwardness which is surrounding them. Cas tilts his head a little in an I-don’t-understand-what-you-are-talking-about way, just like he used to do all those years ago. Yet again, Dean’s heartbeat slows because he remembers that head tilt. Remembers how easily he can read Cas’s quirks.

“You know, for a medical emergency,” he explains. 

As quick as a lightning bolt, Cas’s expression changes from blank to something akin to hard and his jaw clenches, enough for Dean to notice the sharp jawline on his clean shaved, smooth face. For a second, Dean’s mind muses about how it’d feel to run his fingers along the smooth jawline.

“Oh, then I'm sorry for calling for help when my daughter was almost  _ dying _ .” Cas snaps.

“What? No. I didn’t mean it like that. What I meant was umm…well…it’s been a long time since we saw each other so I didn’t expect to meet you again for medical emergencies. That’s all.”

At that moment, Claire returns running, with a piece of paper clasped in one of her hands.

“Here,” Claire thrusts the paper to Dean, panting with exertion. 

Curiously, Dean smooths the wrinkled edges of the paper with his thumbs and looks at it. A big blue asymmetrical circle with a cream-colored border is drawn on the page. 

“You told me your favorite color is blue and you love pie, so I drew a blueberry pie,” Claire explains, looking a bit shy. Cas peeks at the picture, his eyes turning soft and his lips curving upwards into a small smile. He picks up Claire, wincing a little bit as his abs and arm muscles flex making Dean realize that he’s not fully healed yet. Kissing Claire's cheek, Cas’s smile widens. The smile so soft and endearing, anyone would know how much Cas adores his daughter.

“Thanks for the drawing, Claire. I’ll definitely stick it on my refrigerator door.” Dean tells Claire, folding the paper and putting it in the breast pocket of his uniform. Claire claps happily. 

Cas opens his mouth to say something, however, at that moment, Dean’s radio, attached to the shoulder pads of his uniform, crackles and whines. A heartbeat later, someone speaks, voice breaking up every few seconds. Not sure what the person is saying, Dean, glances at Cas and his daughter, “I can’t understand what you're saying, gimme a second,” he says into the radio, already moving towards the door. Cas and Claire follow him silently. Opening the main door, Dean nods at Cas which Cas answers with a small smile- a smile which feels like a million dollars to Dean- and wiggles his fingers as a gesture of wave at Claire who returns it with a vigorous one. With that, Dean leaves the Novaks’ residence.

***

After Dean leaves Cas’s place abruptly, Cas spends the whole day with his daughter, his mind still shaken from the choking incident. He tries to shake the dreadful moments of his daughter choking off by concentrating on the one thing he has which keeps him going: the mere presence of his daughter in his life.

The next morning, Cas wakes up groaning and rolling over in his bed. His muscles still ache a bit, stinging as he moves, and the medication is taking a toll on him too. Groggily, he gets ready for the day. After making breakfast, he wakes up his daughter, gets her dressed for school, and makes her eat breakfast despite her protests against eating food. Cas drops Claire off at school, bright and a bit early for his daughter’s taste, and then drives to Walmart to buy some essentials. 

He’s dragging the half-empty shopping cart down the snack aisle while looking at the long list in his phone when he bumps into another body. 

“Oh I’m so sorry-” Cas starts and then stops as he looks up to see the very familiar green eyes. 

“It’s alright, Cas,” Dean replies with a small smile. Cas immediately takes a few steps back, dragging his cart backward. 

“Hi,” Cas greets Dean with an awkward smile, feeling really uncomfortable all of a sudden because meeting Dean two days in a row is throwing him out of his comfort zone. He  _ did not _ expect to see Dean in Lawrence when he decided to move back, let alone seeing him here and there as if it’s all okay and  _ nothing _ has happened between them in the past.

“Hey. At least we’re not meeting at another emergency this time, right? You good? How’s Claire?” Dean says humorously with a lopsided smile tugged on his face. This is the first time they’re properly meeting face-to-face without a burning building coming between them or Cas’s daughter choking. 

Cas runs his hands through his hair nervously, “Yeah, I’m better. I never got to thank you for saving my life back then, I was too worried about Claire, who’s, by the way, all good right now. She’s really happy you accepted her drawing. You don’t have to keep it if you don’t wanna.” When Claire has given Dean the drawing, Cas’s heart sped up a bit because Claire rarely shows someone her drawings-just like him- let alone give it to them. But she had drawn something for Dean willingly. It speaks volumes about how Claire is starting to like him and it’s scaring the shit outta Cas. This isn’t how he’d expected things to go.

“Well, I’m glad she’s okay now. And why would I throw it away? I liked it and I’ve stuck it on the refrigerator door. Kinda like watching a blue pie hanging on there.” Dean jokes lightly, eyes crinkling as he laughs, “I’m just glad you’re both better now.”

“I didn’t know you became a firefighter,” Cas says, clutching the handlebars of his cart with his hands tightly. 

“Yeah, it was and wasn’t a sort of a spur of the moment thing. I saved a choking woman at a restaurant one day and decided this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. But it was Grandpa Henry who gave me the motivation and encouragement.”

Cas smiles,  _ Of course.  _ But then, he frowns, “Wait, isn’t he dead for like, twenty years or something?”

“Yeah, obviously, it’s not like he came back to life or something. It’s kinda complicated and I don’t wanna explain it right now,” Dean sighs “Anyways, it’s good to see you again, Cas.” His voice is stifled, and a bit shaky. 

“It’s okay. Well- I- uh- I gotta go,” Cas says abruptly, cursing himself for wanting to know more about Dean.  __ Dean’s eyes blink a few times, probably not expecting Cas to end the conversation so hastily. 

“Oh, yeah sure. I’ll see you around,” Dean stammers, moving out of Cas’s way. Cas’s hair on the back of his neck stands as he feels Dean’s eyes watching him walk away.  _ Why is it always me who chooses to walk away?  _ Cas thinks but stops right there because this isn’t something he’s willing to ponder about. 

***

Dean has this empty feeling in his gut the entirety of the day and even the next day. He goes on calls with the rest of his team but he can’t shake that queasy feeling that makes him want to throw up his guts. 

_ Should have stuck with the short answer instead of blubbering about my dead grandpa then he would have stayed. And should have asked for his number, or maybe should have given him  _ my  _ number, dumbass,  _ Dean scolds himself, as he gets ready to sleep at night.

***

A couple of days after the choking incident, Dean sees Cas strolling out of the office building in his neat grey suit and leather office bag slinging over his shoulder. Without thinking even for a bit, Dean almost rushes to Cas, grabbing him by his arm which causes Cas to turn around unexpectedly. 

“Dean?” Cas asks, his eyes wide and completely baffled. 

“Yeah, hey, so I realized I never gave you my number. So- uh- wait-” Dean stammers as he pulls out a piece of paper and a pen from his pocket he always carries around for emergencies. He scribbles down his number in small scrawl and hands it to Cas, “My number. Uh- text me sometime. It’d be nice to- uh- you know, catch up.” 

Cas glances from the paper, back up to Dean’s pleading eyes, and nods a little hesitantly, “Oh yes, alright. Thank you. I should get going, I need to pick up Claire from school.” 

“Of course, see ya, blue eyes,” Dean says, before leaving.  _ Shit _ , he stumbles after a few steps, breath catching in his throat. The ‘blue eyes’ sort of just slipped out without him meaning to. One of Dean’s favorite nicknames for Cas from high school was ‘blue eyes’, and he didn’t mean to just let  _ that _ slip out. It’s been  _ years  _ since Dean called Cas by that nickname. 

_ There’s no way he’s gonna text me now. Good job Winchester, you managed to fuck it up...yet again,  _ Dean grumbles to himself, not daring to check and see if Cas is still standing where he left him or not.

***

Cas stares at the phone number scribbled on a paper, which is now laying on the surface of his black marble office desk, trying not to make it a big deal.  _ But it  _ is  _ a big deal _ , his mind yells. Dean fucking gave him his phone number and called him by the nickname he used to use back then. Blue eyes. He hasn't heard that name for years. It pulls something from inside his chest every time he recalls the way it sounded in Dean’s mouth. A part of him wants to hear it again and again in Dean’s deep and beautiful voice. However, the rest of him wants to break something because  _ this isn’t what he expected at all. _

Feeling restless and too tired all of a sudden, he gets up from his chair, the black leather creaking noisily. Opening his drawer, he searches for the green lighter and the packet of cigarettes he’d stacked inside, out of people’s eyes. Cas walks to the window- a large and high one which overlooks the city scrapers and the endless blue of the sky- and pulls a cigarette from the packet and wraps his lips around its filtered end. Thrusting the packet inside the inner pocket of his suit jacket, Cas slides the window open, not wanting to trigger the smoke detectors which might notify the fire station causing a certain someone with green eyes to barge in here, and lights up the cigarette, feeling the faint heat on the tip of his nose which is nothing compared to what he’d to face during the fire incident. After a few seconds, the smell of tar and the smoky odor of nicotine fills up his nostrils and he watches as the grey haze drifts out the window and disappears into the air outside.

Cas doesn’t know why he kept Dean’s phone number, nor does he understand why Dean would do something like that in the first place. If Dean wants to pretend that they are just some old school friends meeting after years, then they are gonna have some problems because Cas doesn’t have it in himself to act like he doesn’t want to feel and touch and do everything to Dean, just like he used to do back then. He  _ cannot  _ ignore that burning desire his heart craves every time he sees and talks to Dean. Stuffing one of his hands inside his pant pocket, Cas takes a drag of the cigarette and inhales the toxic chemicals, not bothering to think about all the times he’d read about the harmful consequences of smoking. 

The vibration of his phone inside his breast pocket of the jacket almost startled him. Pulling it out, he gazes at the screen. The close-up picture of a ridiculously smiling Gabe tells him his brother is calling. Exhaling the smoke through his nose, he slides his thumb across the screen to answer the call.

“How’s our boy on fire doing, baby bro?” Gabriel’s chirpy voice comes from the other end of the call but Cas can hear a hint of concern behind it.

“He’s been doing all fine for the last few days,” Cas replies, staring out and down the window, colorful vehicles and people looking tiny from the 14th floor. 

“Well, good to know that. How’s the little cutie patootie doing?” 

“She’s fine but please don’t call her that. It sounds like she’s a parrot or something.” Cas chooses not to mention  _ the  _ incident, just so that Gabe doesn’t think that he can’t take care of his own daughter without anyone’s help.

“Whatever, nickname hater. Anyways, did something interesting happen? Any hot office gossip?”

“Did you forget the part where I’m the boss here? Why would you even think I know anything about the office gossip?” Cas says exasperatedly and rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah yeah, you the boss yada yada yada.”

For a moment, Cas debates with himself about whether he should tell his brother about Dean or not. He still hasn’t told any of his brothers that Dean was the one to save him from fire. In the end, he decides to tell Gabe about everything since there’s a chance he might hear it from Claire as she’s becoming a fan of him. 

“I...I have to tell you something.” Cas mumbles with the cigarette- now half in size as it continues to burn, the powdery ash falling on the windowsill and drifting into the air- in his mouth.

“What? Did something happen? Did you lose Claire in a store? Or did you find a fuckbuddy?” Gabe asks curiously.

“Yes, no, and NO. Remember when I said a fireman saved me?”

“Yep. You said a deliciously hot fireman saved your delicate ass.”

“No, I didn’t say he’s ‘deliciously hot’ but...uh, well...it’s Dean.” The last part comes out as a whisper, for which Cas can’t help but mentally slap himself on the face.

“Wait, who? Did I just hear the word ‘Dean’? Or is my beautiful ears betraying me by hearing that jackass’s name?”

“You heard just fine. It’s him. He saved me from the fire.” Flashes of fire and Dean telling him not to give up on him appear in his mind which he shoves away by closing his eyes tightly and mentally counting 1 to 10 backward. 

“Well, do you know. He’s a firefighter now? And was it the only time you saw him or…?”

“Umm… yeah and we met once or twice since then but it’s all just coincidence. However, today he gave me his number and told me that we should be in touch.” Cas glances back at the small square paper still laying on the desk. 

“Bullshit. You mean to say your old school  _ boyfriend _ saved you from fire since he’s a big, hot fireman AND he gave you his phone number after meeting a couple of times  _ coincidentally _ . Something ain’t right, broski.” 

Gabe has a point yet Cas doesn’t think Dean would do something fishy but then again, he doesn’t know who Dean is now.

“I- I don’t know.” The sound of knocking on a door draws Cas’s attention. Shutting the window and taking a few steps towards his desk, he quickly douses the butt of the leftover part of the cigarette in a glass of water kept there, then turns to the door and watches as it’s pushed open by his PA, Inias.

“I gotta go now. Bye, and take care.”

“You too, baby bro. Bye.”

Cas ends the call and goes around his desk to sit on the chair, placing his left ankle over the knee of his right leg. The posture of a boss who is a far cry from the man who can’t stop thinking about his best friend and boyfriend from high school. Nonchalantly, he places the small page in the drawer along with his lighter which is still on his hand, hiding the phone number written on it from the world.

Inias enters his cabin, carrying a red file in his hands.

“The Sinclairs want to meet tomorrow morning, at ten o’clock. They want to apologize for the fire incident and want to compensate you.” Inias informs, placing the file in front of Cas. 

Castiel arches an eyebrow and looks at the file, tapping one finger on his jaw. 

“How much damage are they facing? I assume it’s not a small amount.” 

“It will take them a few million dollars to repair the damage to the building, not to mention the documents which were lost in the fire.” Cas nods in approval at Inias’s work. 

“Tell them I’ll surely meet them but instead of apologizing, I’ll make them a deal.”

“A deal?” 

“Yes. The Sinclairs are quite influential here which will improve our public relations if we collaborate more often. And which is why I’ll offer them a deal where they will use our interior designing company and I’ll accept their apology by proceeding with the agreement we were supposed to sign in that day.” 

Inias stays quiet for a second before speaking up, “I’m sure whatever you decide will be beneficial for our company, sir.”

_ As long as I don’t fuck it up as Luke did,  _ Cas thinks to himself.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Worrying about someone doesn't always mean something...or does it? And how many times can a heart break till it's too much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another new chapter, guys... we hope you like it. <3  
> Also, the lyrics added at the beginning of each chapter are chosen really carefully because they complement specific scenes so we recommend listening to the playlist we made while reading the story. :)

_“...I know you can't remember how to shine_

_Your heart's a bird without the wings to fly_

_Is anybody out there?_

_Can you take this weight of mine?_

_Is anybody out there?_

_Can you lead me to the light?_

_You are not alone_

_I've been here the whole time singing you a song_

_I will carry you_

_I will carry you…”_

Dean parks his Baby in the parking lot outside the station and gets out of it, almost wincing at vertigo hitting him and the brightness of the sunbeam. _Drinking the last bottle of Jack was_ definitely _a bad idea,_ he curses in his mind and quickly pulls out his aviator sunglasses from his jacket pocket and wears it to protect his eyes from the assault of the sharp light. Locking the doors of Baby, he struts towards the red and white building. 

Benny meets him as he enters the wide and open garage door, clapping his back with an excited, “Hello brother.” 

Dean winces at the sound of Benny’s deep loud voice buzzing in his right ear as the dizziness hits him again, “Jesus Benny, keep it down.” Benny just laughs, letting go. Dean walks over to the locker, taking off his sunglasses very slowly, and removing his jacket. He changes into his uniform- a navy colored T-shirt with LFD imprinted in red color on the left side of the chest, and pants in matching color- and goes to find his team, who are definitely upstairs, given the loud noises of laughter and chattering coming from there. Charlie and Garth are arguing about which outfit Sarah should wear for her date while Benny just chugs down his drink, standing near the fridge. Dean slumps down on the stool, leaning over the counter as Donna prepares lunch. 

“What’s going with you, Winchester?” Donna asks curiously. 

“Just a long day,” Dean grumbles, rubbing his eyes. 

Donna laughs, _“_ Dean, it’s _1_ _0 am_. And I've been noticing that you’ve been a bit out of it since that office fire. What’s going on with ya, pal?” 

Dean sighs, “I wish I knew.” Right on time, Dean’s phone rings, and Dean silently thanks whoever is above watching over him for pulling him out of that situation because he knows Donna would keep pressing him since she’s a good friend. along with being a good captain. She means well, of course, she’s just looking out for her crew but sometimes, Dean just wants to be left alone to brood over his... _feelings_.

Dean picks up the phone and hears his brother's chirpy voice on the other side, “Dean! Hey!” 

“Ugh, keep it down, Sammy.”

Sam _tsks_ , “Drinking too much again?”

“Judgemental much?” Dean gets up from the stool and starts pacing around, pressing the side of his head with one hand, should it be able to lessen the nauseating dizziness in the head.

Sam chuckles over the phone, “What’s got your panties in a twist, Dean? Anyways I was just calling to say I want to move back to Lawrence.” 

Dean stops pacing, “Wait, really?” 

“Yeah, I was looking at jobs all around and I think I might have found something good in Lawrence and I’ll be closer to you too. I miss your annoying stubborn ass,” Sam says.

Dean smiles, “That sounds great, Sammy. It’ll be nice to have you around.” 

“Yeah, anyway, I’ll keep you updated on that...Now, what’s going on with you? You sound sadder than that time that kid in 4th grade sat on your birthday cake.” 

“Oh, shut your piehole, Greg was an ass anyway. I’m fine. There’s just a lot going on here, you know, with Cas being back,” Dean sighs, whispering the last part so that people around cannot hear him.

Sam goes strangely silent on the phone. A heartbeat later, he says, “Have you spoken to him yet?” 

“Yeah, saved him from a burning building and then saved his daughter a few days later,” Dean replies. 

“WAIT, he’s got a _kid?_ ” Sam almost shouts, “You didn’t tell me this last time! Holy shit.” 

“First of all, stop screeching like a scandalized 50 years old woman. And yeah, I only met her a few days ago, she’s really lovely actually. Got Cas’s eyes too. It’s just… you know… Cas… it’s not like we are just some long lost friends reuniting after 12 years,” Dean struggles, trying to describe his thoughts. He doesn’t wanna mention how he’d given Cas his number like some clingy pathetic loser. And he definitely doesn’t wanna mention how he’d used _the_ _nickname_ , which is a whole nother level of desperation. _Jesus fucking Christ,_ he cusses at himself for the umpteenth time. Walking to the balcony on the second floor of the building, he grips the handrail, gazing out the fire station. The sky is currently filled with dark and heavy clouds. 

“Maybe this is a sign? You know, for you to get closure,” Sam suggests after a moment of silence.

“Maybe. Anyways I gotta go, it’s nice to hear your voice, Sam,” Dean says turning back 

“Oh, don't worry, you’ll get sick of hearing my voice pretty soon,” Sam laughs, “Bye, Dean.” Dean ends the call just in time to hear the sirens go off as red siren lights start to flash periodically and Donna starts rallying up everyone to go on another call. Flinching at the loud sound, Dean dashes down the metal stairs.

“Hurry up, y’all!” Benny yells, sliding into the firetruck. _Should take some painkillers on the way,_ Dean sighs loudly as he follows Benny. 

***

Castiel finishes his meeting early in the morning and returns to his office to finish some pending paperwork. He hates the long hours he has to spend poring over paperwork, yet it’s essential to keep the company up and running. After an hour of working his brain hard into the documents spread in front of him, Cas leans back into his chair and closes his aching eyes. He rubs them with his thumbs and sighs. Deciding to take a break, he shuffles his feet into the break room where the TV is on despite the room being empty since everyone on the floor is getting lunch in the cafeteria. A news reporter is talking away on the screen as Cas brews himself a cup of coffee. Once the coffee is ready, he turns to the TV, and watches as ‘BREAKING NEWS’ in big and bold red color appears on the screen. 

_“We just got the news of the fire incident at a residential building at Vermont Street. Resources informed that the fire department has been informed and they are on the way.”_ The petite blond news reporter informs the audience and the screen cuts to the live footage. A voice starts speaking as the camera is focused on the big red fire truck. “ _And here they are! Lawrence’s beloved and brave firefighters from the 136 Fire Station! They are gonna go in now and check if there are any people left inside the building before they start the process of extinguishing the fire.”_ Cas watches as the camera shows a few familiar faces from the 136 team. The captain- Donna, his mind recalls- is yelling “LFD! Make room” at the crowd of the bystanders gathered near the burning building while ushering the fire team into the building. Cas sees Dean on TV, in full protective gear, rushing into the fire along with two other firemen. Cas feels his heart race at the thought of Dean putting himself in danger yet again. 

_It’s his job, you nutcase. He does this_ every day _; he obviously knows how to handle himself_ , Castiel tries to convince himself. But his body betrays him as he feels even more nervous and jittery than before. His palms begin to sweat and gradually he becomes more restless. On the screen, a few citizens are rushed out of the building by a firefighter who’s too small to be Dean. The screen cuts away from the scene before Cas can check if Dean has made it out too or not. Cas pulls out his phone but then he realizes he hasn’t saved Dean’s number yet. He goes to his office, pronto, and pulls the drawer open, grabbing the folded paper stuffed inside it. Before his mind can change, Cas saves Dean's number, hands shaking as he types the word ‘Dean’. Not wanting to miss any second of the news, he rushes back to the break room. He looks at the TV to see if there are any updates but the news channel has already moved on. Cas texts Dean before his mind overthinks every single small thing again. 

_ <Hey, _ _It’s Cas._ _Just saw the fire on TV. Checking in to see if you’re okay. > _

Two hours pass and Cas is back at his desk, leg bouncing up and down nervously. He checks his phone every few minutes, hoping for a text back, but all he sees is an empty screen. 

Cas bits his lips anxiously, pressing the call button. His heart is beating so fast he’s afraid it’s gonna jump off his chest.

After a few rings, Dean answers the call, “Hello?” Cas’s heart does that annoying fluttering thing again. 

“Hey, I- uh- It’s me, Cas. I saw the fire on TV and thought about texting you. You didn’t reply so I got worried... Are you okay?” Cas asks quietly. He twirls his pen, clasped in his fingers, out of habit, and focuses on its constant motion.

“Oh shit, yeah, I’m fine. I was just busy with some paperwork, I didn’t really check my phone. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that,” Dean says. Cas sighs loudly in relief that Dean is okay. 

“It’s alright. I’m- I’m glad you’re okay.” He clears his throat, feeling a bit uncomfortable under his collar.

“You were really worried, huh?” Dean’s voice hints at a bit of amusement which threatens Cas’s lips to pull up in a smile.

Cas bits his lips again, tonguing the cracks on his chapped bottom lip, “Uh- Yeah. Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you-”

“No!” Cas gets startled at the loudness of his voice, “I mean, no, it’s...it's okay. You know you can call me anytime, Cas.” But there is uncertainty in his voice that Cas detects.

“Yeah, of course,” Cas replies, “I’ll leave you be then.” 

Dean falls silent on the phone for a moment, his breathing filling up the silence, and then says, “Sure, I gotta get back to all this goddamn paperwork anyway. It’s gonna drive me insane one day, I’m telling ya. Anyways, it was good to hear your voice, Cas.” 

Cas smiles, “You too, Dean.” 

“See ya, Cas.” 

When the call ends, Cas buries his head in his hands and groans in frustration. Dean Winchester is gradually making him feel all sorts of things he had buried a long time ago and there’s no escaping from it now and nor can he deny it for anytime longer.

  
  


***

“Why are you smiling like this? Who’s on the phone?” Charlie’s voice makes Dean almost gasp with surprise. He turns on his chair to find Charlie standing behind him with hands on her hips. Grinning, she flicks Dean’s ear, “Your ears are all red and you’re smiling like you’ve received a free nude picture.”

Dean wills himself not to blush and manages to keep a straight face- _straight hah!_ Dean’s mind interrupts- and turns back to his work, only to be spun around by a tight grip on his arm.

“Dude!” Dean snaps, pressing his feet on the floor so that he doesn't fall over.

“Don’t _‘dude’_ me. I wanna know what’s making your mood swing like a three-month-old pregnant woman. Just spill.” Charlie demands, narrowing her eyes. Her red hair is tightly spun into a high bun and the casual outfit- black jeans topped by a yellow sweatshirt- tells Dean she’s done with her paperwork and ready to go home.

Dean opens his mouth to speak but hesitates and chews on his bottom lip, arranging his thoughts. 

“So… remember I told you the reason why I don't date...like at all?” Dean asks nervously.

“Yeah..like how there was a guy who ruined you back at high school and now you’re too emotionally fractured to step into another relationship again,” Charlie drones on, “Wait, why are you bringing up that topic _now?_ Did something happen? Did you meet someone new? OMG!” By the time Charlie finishes talking, she’s almost jumping up and down on her chair, clapping her hands like a child with a sugar rush. Dean quickly grabs her arm tightly, eyes going wide. 

“Shh, stop being so loud,” Dean panics, looking around to see if someone is near enough to overhear them or not, “And yes, something has happened. But it's not what you're thinking. Uhh...he’s back.”

“He? Who- oh. _Oh._ Shit. _He._ Really? Did you see him? When? Where? And NOW you are telling me?” Charlie slaps Dean’s arm lightly and earning a scowl from him.

“Ow. Wait, lemme finish talking first.” Dean takes a deep breath and starts talking. He tells Charlie how he’d seen Cas near the Starbucks for the first time in 12 years. He tells how the man he’d saved from the office WAS Castiel and how he was the first responder when his daughter- Charlie stops him right there with a screeching “HIS DAUGHTER?”- was getting choked by a chocolate block. And how they’d meet in a grocery store after that. Then after pondering for a moment, he also tells her about giving Cas his phone number.

“So...did he call you or something?” Charlie asks him with raised eyebrows, her voice filled with intrigue.

“Yeah...he...he’d texted me after seeing us on TV today. But my phone was on silent mode so I didn’t check it. So he called me just now...to umm… check on me.” Dean finishes explaining and closes his eyes, trying to calm his fast-beating heart. He can't still believe Cas texted _and_ called him just to make sure he's alright. Even in the past, Cas was always the worrying one between both of them.

A toothy smile flashes across Charlie’s face, which makes her dimples on the cheek visible, “Oh my god!! He cares about you! That’s so _fucking_ cute! Man, when am _I_ gonna get _my_ fairytale ending, huh? Anyways, you know what to do now.”

“I do?” Dean asks cluelessly, narrowing his eyes as if he was trying to read his friend’s mind. 

Charlie rolls her eyes, “You boys honestly have ONE brain cell, it’s a miracle you survived this long. _Text him,_ and meet up with him! Catch up! God, Dean, if you let this opportunity slip by you, I will knock a pan over your head.” 

Dean shakes his head furiously, “Absolutely not! Are you out of your goddamn mind, Charlie?” 

Charlie grits her teeth in frustration, pacing back and forth, “Don’t be stupid! He clearly likes you, or still cares for you so much so he got WORRIED when you went into that building. I’m not saying hook up with the man, you twat, I’m just saying,” Charlie takes a deep breath trying to calm down, “Catch. Up.” 

Dean sighs, clearly knowing she is probably right though he’s not gonna confess _that_ out loud. Dean and Charlie are like different sides of the same coin. They share the same similarities and passions but Charlie never overthinks in the same way Dean does. She’s open to new opportunities and encourages Dean to better himself too, pushing him beyond his boundaries. And when Dean’s being stupid, Charlie’s the one to pull him back and make him see sense. 

“Okay, maybe you have a point.” 

Charlie’s grin returns, “Of course I have a point. I have _all_ the points. I’m your fucking North Star guiding you through life, Dean. Text him and for the love of God, keep me updated!” She grabs her bag from the large canopy table, throwing a peace sign as she leaves, “Sayonara bitches!” 

“Bye Charlie!” Dean calls after her. 

Dean pulls out his phone again, reading the texts Cas had sent him before. He inhales deeply, fingers shaking a little as he types: 

**_<_ ** _Hey, Cas._

_I was wondering if you wanted to meet up over coffee tomorrow? It would be nice to catch up. Let me know when you’re free. > _

A few minutes later, he receives a reply that makes him smile like an idiot. 

**_>_ ** _Oh sure. I’m free in the afternoon. What about you? < _

Dean’s heart flutters as he hears Cas’s voice in his head. He quickly types a reply. 

**_<_ ** _Meet you at 4 pm tomorrow at Starbucks? My treat :) > _

A few seconds later, his phone pings with a new text. 

**_>_ ** _S_ _ounds good, see you then :) < _

Dean smiles, pressing his phone to his chest like a fourteen-year-old teen texting his crush and sighs in relief. Maybe this time around they can do better. 

***

Dean is restless as he waits for Castiel. His right leg bounces up and down with his coffee in his hands. He has ordered a caramel latte for Cas, which he hopes is still his favorite even though it’s been a long time). Dean constantly checks his phone, feeling a lot anxious and nervous than he needs to be. 

_Maybe he changed his mind..._ Dean thinks. And right on time, the bell on top of the door rings as it opens and a steadily built man wearing a dark blue shirt under a black leather jacket and blue jeans walks in and takes a look at everything. Dean’s heart starts pounding and his hands get sweaty all of a sudden as he raises one of them to wave at Cas. Cas looks over to the corner at the back of the shop Dean has chosen to sit and smiles a bit and Dean’s brain doesn’t hesitate to point out how the shirt Cas’s wearing is complementing his eyes like no one’s business. Cas clearly looks as nervous as Dean feels as he walks past the people waiting for their order and sits on the chair across Dean. 

“Hey, Cas,” Dean smiles, trying to relax as he hands Cas the coffee. 

“Hey,” Cas returns the smile, sipping the cup and nodding, “You remembered.” 

“Yeah, I- uh- I wasn’t sure if it was still your favorite but anyways, how are you?” Dean starts. Dean mentally pats his own back for choosing one of the tables near the window since watching the world outside through the glass window brings him a different sense of calm in him. 

“Head buried in work, you know. You?” Cas asks, folding his arms on the table and leaning a little forward.

“Same. A few car accidents, a man with a heart attack, just the usual,” Dean drones on, “How’s Claire?” 

Cas smiles at the mention of his daughter, “She’s good. She’s doing well in school, made some new friends, and she’s asking about you.” 

Dean’s eyes go wide, “Really?” 

“She seems to like you, _can’t imagine why,”_ Cas grins, rolling his eyes as he says that last bit. 

Dean laughs, eyes sparkling, “Oh come on, Cas, what’s not to like?” Cas shakes his head, still smiling but then he stills for a moment, face turning a bit pale.

“You okay, Cas?” Dean questions, frowning.

“Ye-umm.. yes I’m okay,” Cas mumbles, taking a long sip of his coffee even though Dean is pretty much sure it’s still too hot to drink like that.

“Okay… anyways when did you move here? A few weeks ago?” Dean chooses not to mention the first time he saw Cas again, after the long years, wasn’t at the accident site but near the very shop they’re now sitting inside.

“We moved here in mid-August, just in time for Claire to start a new class without falling behind the other kids,” Cas explains, looking through the window as if he is in deep thought. Cas’s eyes are a mesmerizing shade of blue as the natural light falls on him and baths him in a golden hue. Dean looks away before Cas can realize how hard he’s staring at him. Trying to make small talks, Dean asks Cas about his job, and in turn, Cas asks about his workplace and colleagues.

Dean's heart keeps thudding inside his chest because it’s like a dream come true. Him sitting with Cas while they drink coffee and talk about random things.

Even so, Dean notices how Cas keeps fidgeting with his legs anxiously, and doesn’t even properly look at him, looking away every time he tries to catch his eyes. However, he chooses not to say anything. He doesn’t want to do or say something which might change Cas’s mind about them… whatever it is now. He _just_ got Cas back, after years of going around in circles and overthinking every small thing, and he didn’t want to lose Cas a second time around. 

Glancing at the big round clock on the wall, Dean notices how late it’s getting. Apparently, Cas notices it too.

“It’s getting late and I’ve to make dinner for Claire,” Cas says, standing up.

“Oh, okay. Let’s go.” 

Dean pays for their coffees although Cas insists to pay for his. 

Dean almost tells him to pay the next time. But he’s not sure if there will be a next or not, so he chooses to be silent instead.

Having Cas close to himself while walking to the parking lot is a difficult thing because his hands itch to hold his hand or maybe touch his back, but he’s pretty much sure Cas wouldn’t appreciate the touch so he can’t just bring himself up to do it. Dean fists his hands on his side tightly enough to feel his nails digging in his pams as they stop near the Baby.

“She’s still shining.” Cas gazes at the black vintage car in awe.

“As she should. I will die before I let her shine fade away.” Dean replies, smiling with pride as he pats the roof of the Baby. 

Cas rolls his eyes and stuffs his hands inside the jeans pockets.

“It’s really great to see you again, Cas. Never thought we’d be doing this,” Dean says, smiling shyly, “Maybe we should do this again sometime? Just like old times.” Dean suggests after deliberating for an instant. It is now or never. 

Cas’s face turns unreadable and his body becomes rigid.

“No,” Cas replies shortly instead of agreeing with Dean.

“No? What do you mean?” Dean’s stomach churns as his mind thinks of anything that might have made Cas say that.

“We can’t do this again,” Cas says as if it will explain everything.

“But why? We had a great time. C’mon, Cas. Why are you talking like this?” Dean takes a step towards Cas but then stops as he sees Cas taking a step backward. 

“I-I can’t do this again, Dean. Please.” Cas’s voice breaks at the last word and his jaws clench and the color of his eyes looking stormy blue.

“Why don’t you tell me _why_?” Dean pushes because if he doesn’t get an accurate answer, his mind will make up reasons which, one way or another, will all lead him to blame himself. He’s a self-sabotaging bastard, after all.

“Because,” Cas takes a deep breath, “because it’ll be high school all over again. We will become friends then you’ll do something stupid and I’ll have to face the consequences. I can’t tolerate that shit anymore.” 

“I’ll do something _stupid_? What’s that supposed to mean? And why does it have to be like back then? Why can’t we start over? It’ll be a fresh start, I swear. We _can_ do this, Cas,” Dean pleads as his mind keeps replaying the ‘something stupid’ part. He knows they still have the connection they had back then. _So why can’t Cas see that?_ His brain questions.

“No. Maybe you can, but I can’t. I just...I can’t do a fresh start. I won’t let myself get hurt anymore…This- this was a mistake. I’m sorry, Dean.” Cas whispers the last part, shaking his head, and turns around making Dean’s heart twist, wanting to reach out to him but Dean stands still with slack jaws and heart on the ground near his car as Cas storms to his car which is parked a few feet away. Without a second glance at Dean, he climbs into the driver seat and starts the engine. Cas drives away, leaving Dean behind.


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a reason behind every action...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like it? Hate it? Love it? Tell us how you feel in the comments. And leaving kudos doesn't hurt as well ;) Thanks for reading <3

_ “...I can't breathe, I can't be _

_ I can't be what you want me to be _

_ Believe me, this one time _

_ Believe me _

_ I'm a bad liar, bad liar _

_ Now you know _

_ Now you know _

_ That I'm a bad liar, bad liar _

_ Now you know, you're free to go…” _

Slamming the front door, Cas shoves off his shoes in jerky movement. Seconds later, Claire’s footfalls echo through the house as she comes running to greet her dad. Cas knows he’s a few breaths away from snapping at anyone who dares to talk to him, so without looking at his daughter, he starts to walk briskly towards the stairs to go to his bedroom. But, Claire’s voice stops him midstep. 

“Dad? You okay?” Cas’s stomach bottoms out at Claire’s small and scared voice. He never ignores his daughter, nor does he let his anger overcome him whenever Claire is around. This is probably the first time she’s seeing him like this and it makes him feel more miserable than he’s already feeling because of Dean. Dean. Dean Fucking Winchester messing with his feelings yet again.

“I’m- I'm okay, Claire. I just need a shower. I’ll be right back after I grab a shower, then I’ll make you lunch, okay?” Cas manages to speak without sounding too grim. Instead of waiting for Claire’s reply, he continues, “Stay in the living room and if you need anything, knock on the washroom door.” 

“Sure, Dad.” Claire answers and Cas nods and quickly climbs the staircase, reaching the second floor with a couple of long steps. 

Shutting himself inside his room, Cas shrugs off his jacket, tossing it onto his bed. With quivering fingers, he undoes the buttons of his shirt and flings it off, letting it sink down on the floor. He unfastens the belt of his jeans, unzips it, and within a second, he pulls off his jeans and underwear. Completely nude, he steps inside the washroom. Avoiding his own reflection in the wide mirror above the washing basin, Cas steps into the shower with translucent glass walls.

The metal is cold under his hand when he turns the tap open to start the shower. The scorching hot water starts draining from the wide square showerhead hanging from the ceiling above his head and cascades down his back. Cas presses his palms to the wall and bows his head, letting the heat of the water soothe the chaos inside his head and the loud spattering sound of the water droplets on the floor drown his thoughts. Although it doesn't keep his heart from feeling heavy, like an unwanted burden. 

He knows Dean meant well and didn’t obviously expect his outburst. But he couldn’t help himself. While Dean was talking, Cas’s mind kept comparing the present with their time together in the past. And it  _ hurt.  _ It hurt so fucking much, Cas had to remind himself to breathe. Then, when he thought it’s over, Dean just had to go and ruin everything.  _ Just like old times. _ As if seeing Dean in the dark green T-shirt wasn’t enough, Cas had to watch Dean smile and talk as if they were still in high school. 

The thing is Cas didn’t reject Dean’s suggestion about meeting again because he didn’t want to. He did. He  _ does _ want to meet Dean. He so wants to be with Dean, it hurts. However, this isn’t what he _needs_ for himself. For his daughter. Because he knows once he allows Dean to come back into his life, there’s no going back. And if... _ if  _ Dean does what he had done in the past, Cas would not survive that. He wouldn’t have the strength to pick up the pieces. And he has a daughter now, who is the topmost priority in his life. He won’t do anything which might hurt her. Claire already thinks Dean as her friend; if Dean gets anymore close to Claire, it would extremely hurt her when Dean eventually goes away from their lives. Everyone usually leaves anyways.

Cas rubs a hand over his face, dragging it up and over his head, blinking as water continues to fall all over him. He shakes his head after turning off the shower and gets out of the shower. Grabbing his towel from the towel holder, he wipes off the water from his body and returns to his room. After rubbing himself clean of Dean Winchester’s scent and thoughts, Cas changes into a new set of clothes- a loose white tee and black sweats. He collects himself and walks down the stairs steadily, not wanting to show any signs of anger or discontentment to his daughter but the moment Cas enters the kitchen, somehow he knows Claire suspects something is wrong. She is already there with her coloring book out on the dining table, watching her father with sad and confused eyes. 

“Daddy, what’s wrong?” Claire asks, jumping down from the chair to give her dad a warm hug. She wraps her arms around his lower torso, squeezing him tightly. 

“It’s nothing, sweetheart. Just… having a bad day. We all have those, right? Remember what I said about bad days?” Cas asks, bending down to meet Claire’s blue eyes. 

Blinking, Claire nods, “You said we just have to push through it because not every day is a bad day.” 

Cas smiles weakly and kisses her forehead, “Exactly. Now let’s make lunch together, come on.” 

Claire helps prepare the ingredients and Cas does most of the actual cooking while she watches her father intensely. 

“You met that firefighter, Dean, right? You said you were going out to meet an old friend. He’s an old friend, right?” Claire asks quietly. 

“Yes, Claire. He  _ was _ an old friend.”

Cas stirs the pasta sauce in the skillet with the wooden ladle and lowers the heat a little. The aromatic and delicious scent takes over the kitchen, filling up every little corner and space. 

“Did he upset you?” Claire questions after a second. 

Cas thinks about this for a second. Dean  _ did  _ upset him...by being too good. But he’s the one who stupidly agreed to meet up with him in the first place, knowing full well he could get hurt again. 

“Even old friends fall apart, sometimes,” Cas simply says, walking to the fridge to take out a water bottle. 

Claire doesn’t push after that. She waits on her position at the countertop for her dad to finish cooking. 

When the honey-mustard chicken pasta is ready, Cas serves it onto two white ceramic plates- one for himself and the other one for his daughter. Claire eats her food without her usual fussing, remaining silent. She knows it’s more than just a ‘falling out’. Claire might be young, but she was incredibly and annoyingly smart- as her father often reminds her- for her age. She keeps noticing the small changes in her father’s behavior throughout the day.

Cas mentally reprimands himself for letting himself be frustrated enough that Claire is now suspecting something. Trying to change that suspicion to something more, he tries to be less moody and more chirpy. He helps Claire with her homework and appreciates her drawings and helps her clean to her bedroom.

When the day comes to an end and Cas tucks Claire into her comfortable bed, Claire holds her father’s hand. 

“Don’t worry, dad. Everything’s gonna be okay.” Claire says, trying to look solemn. 

Cas’s lips curve upwards into a small smile, “Yes baby, everything is gonna be all okay.” Cas says, pressing his lips to his daughter’s forehead and closes his eyes, 

Claire grins happily, believing her dad is telling the truth, and wraps her arms around her father, kissing his cheek. Claire has a way of making everyone around her feel so loved and appreciated and Cas really loved that about his daughter. 

“Goodnight, princess,” Cas mutters, pulling the covers up. 

“Goodnight, daddy!”

***

Meanwhile, Dean spends the entire day sulking. He takes a day off to deal with “personal issues” or at least that’s what he tells Donna who tells him to inform her if he needs anything. Charlie calls a few times, demanding answers and all the details of his ‘date’ but it gets to the point where Dean just turns off his phone completely.

_ Where did I go wrong, Cas? _ Dean keeps thinking as he goes over the entire conversation in the parking lot over and over again. Cas looked so frustrated and broken when he pushed Dean away, it was too much to bear.

Dean grabs his beer bottle from his fridge, slamming the door shut and opening the cap of the bottle, he almost chugs the cold beer down all at once.

It’s late afternoon when he hears an unexpected knock on his door. Dean, in his bathrobe and his brown fluffy slippers, opens the door to see Charlie standing outside his door with narrowed eyes. Charlie does a quick once-over, noticing Dean’s red eyes, and messy hair, and the bottle in his hand. 

“Oh shit,” She says, her face softens as she immediately hugs Dean without any questions. Dean doesn’t like to admit it but he’s a massive hugger. He loves hugs even though his colleagues think he hates them. But this is  _ Charlie,  _ so he hugs her back, wrapping his arms around her small frame and resting his chin on top of her head. Charlie lets herself in, dropping her bag on the rustic wooden table Dean usually uses as a dining table. 

“You didn’t answer my calls or texts all day, so I got worried. You wanna talk?” Charlie asks, sitting on the black leather couch which is placed in the middle of the room, facing the television attached to the small portion of the concrete wall since the rest of the wall is just floor to ceiling windows with thick black frames. She pats the area next to her and Dean sighs, taking his seat while taking a sip of beer.

“I fucked up again, Charlie.” Dean puts the bottle down on the narrow black glass table sitting in front of the couch, glancing at her nervously before rubbing a hand over his face.

“Dean, I’m sorry,” Charlie replies earnestly. 

“It was going all fine, at first, honestly. We were just talking and catching up and then my stupid ass just had to go and push and ask him if we could meet up again, and he just- he just shut me down. He said he couldn’t go through high school again, said he couldn’t get hurt again.” 

Dean buries his head in the palms of his hands, groaning as all he really wants to do is to punch something, preferably his own face for being such a joke.

Charlie puts a careful hand on Dean’s shoulder, “He probably just needs some space, Dean. It’s been  _ years,  _ and now suddenly he’s seeing you everywhere. Some people just need some time to breathe, and think things over.” 

Dean brings his hands down, staring at the beer bottle he’d kept on the table, condensation clinging to its body and pooling around its bottom on the table, with a frown, “Charlie, I don’t think this is like that. You didn’t see his face. He was so…he sounded so hurt. I did that to him. _I_ hurt him and maybe broke him. I can’t- can’t put him through that again.” 

Charlie sighs, “I understand, but he’s like that maybe because he cares? He most probably still cares for you and he’s afraid to repeat past mistakes. Look, Dean, take all the time you need for yourself, but I think it would be better for you to get back to work. Get your mind off all this.” She gestures to the room which is not in its best look, “Get your mind off  _ him. _ ”

Dean nods once, knowing she’s probably right, “Thanks, Charlie.” He leans into her and wraps an arm around her as a side hug. Charlie leans against him and squeezes his arm. 

“No problem, kiddo. But seriously, don’t you ever go MIA like that on me again. I was worried out of my goddamn mind!” She huffs, punching the arm she’s holding. Dean smiles sheepishly and apologizes. They watch a few movies after that, Charlie determined to get Cas out of Dean’s mind.  _ Maybe Charlie’s right, after all,  _ Dean thinks later, while cleaning up the mess he’s made while sulking earlier. 

The next day, Dean flickers his eyes open, grunting at the sudden brightness in his room since he forgot to shut the white curtains of his window close. He finds his phone, it’s pretty much muscle memory now, to check the time when he sees two missed calls from Sam.

_ This better be important,  _ Dean thinks as he presses that call button. 

Sam picks up on the second ring, “Hey, good morning, sleepyhead.” 

“Shut up, what do you want?” Dean grumbles, rubbing the sleep off from his eyes. He hears his brother laughing which makes him even more irritated. 

“You really can’t function without your morning cup of coffee, huh? I was just calling to say I’m in town. I wanted to see if you’re free today?” 

“Yeah, wait- you here?” 

“Uh...yeah.”

“Awesome. And I- uh- I’m taking this weekend off, going back to work on Monday,” Dean replies. 

“Wait, why? You never take days off… did something happen?” Sam asks, sounding worried. 

“Listen, Sammy, I’ll... uh... fill you in later. I’ll text you where to meet you,” Dean quickly cuts him off. 

“Sure thing, see you soon, Dean,” Sam replies, his voice still sounding uncertain as he cuts the call. 

After Dean finally has his morning coffee- a strong black coffee without even a grain of sugar because he needs the bitter kick to his system- he finally feels somewhat ready to face his little brother’s questionnaire today since he’s certain Sam won’t hold back anything today. He fixes his brown leather jacket that fits over a white shirt, and storms out of his lofty little apartment. 

Dean drives the impala to the local diner that serves breakfast sets including toast with bacon, eggs, and orange juice which is Dean’s personal favorite- plenty of fats and carbs for the day. 

Sam enters the diner ten minutes after his arrival and slides into the booth opposite him, wearing a buttoned-up dark blue flannel with his black pants and thick boots. Dean orders for Sam a plate of omelet and French toast. Sam being Sam, tells the waiter to bring some fruit too.

“So, how's it going? All good?” Dean asks, drumming his fingers on the surface of the table.

“Yeah, all going well,” Sam replies, smiling a bit. Not being in a mood to speak, Dean stays quiet as the waiter brings the plates filled with food. Dean places his plate in front of him and grabs a piece of hot and crunchy toast and takes a big bite of it, chewing slowly, crumbs clinging to his lips.

The sound of chewing and the  _ clink _ of the fork hitting the plate fills the silence- silence which Dean has no interest in breaking- between the two brothers. After a few minutes of eating, Sam finally brings up the elephant in the room. 

“So, what’s going on with you? I came here to meet my annoying older brother, not a sad old man who loves food too much to talk to his brother,” Sam says playfully as he takes a sip of orange juice from the glass.

“I met Cas,” Dean says, earning a weary confused look from his brother, “Yeah, I meant, we caught up over coffee and it was going well until I asked if we could meet again. Then he completely just shut me out. Said he didn’t wanna meet again because he didn’t wanna get hurt again. But whatever, it’s in the past.” 

Sam gapes, “What? Why didn’t you tell me about this before? Dean, I’m sorry, that’s rough.”

Dean simply shrugs, ignoring Sam’s affronted look, “Yeah, well it is what it is. Why are you here anyway?” 

“Can’t I just see my older brother?” Sam questions, earning an eye roll from Dean which makes him snicker, “I’m here for a job interview.” 

Dean almost chokes on his bacon, demanding answers. Sam and Dean talk more about Sam’s possible future in Lawrence which makes Dean elated. The possibility of Sam being within arms reach sounded amazing, especially because he needs someone who knows about everything and can help him go through it.

After breakfast, they wander down the streets catching up and bickering as they usually do until Dean halts his footsteps. Sam asks him what’s wrong and follows his eyes to see a little girl in a blue dress picking flowers from Dean’s favorite flower shop,  _ The Blooming Evergarden _ . Sam waits as he sees an all too familiar man walk out to the street, kneel beside the little girl with a dashing smile on his face and his breath hitches. 

“Is that… oh my god,” Sam says, “Dean, we can go back-” 

But before Dean can reply, the little girl turns her head and sees them gaping. 

“Dean!” She squeals before running. Cas grunts, standing back up, looking completely annoyed and bothered. Dean finds himself automatically stepping forward, every nerve in his body telling him otherwise. The girl sprints up to him, wrapping her little arms around his waist cheerfully. 

“Hey, Claire,” Dean says, ruffling the little girl’s hair. Sam can’t help but smile at the way his brother is fondly gazing down at the girl. 

Claire grabs Dean’s thumb, leading him to the flower shop, to Cas. 

Cas completely ignores Dean, his attention on Sam, “Sam, it’s good to see you again.” 

Sam grins, doing a little awkward wave, “Hey, Cas. Yeah, you too. And you must be the beautiful Claire Novak.” Sam looks down beaming at Claire, “I’m Dean’s younger brother, well  _ only _ brother, Sam.” 

Claire grins back, waving at Sam. Dean, meanwhile, is completely captivated by Cas who’s just standing there in his blue denim jacket over his dark blue shirt that complements his eyes beautifully. 

“What are you guys doing here?” Sam asks since Dean has clearly forgotten how to communicate. 

Cas clears his throat, “Oh, Claire and I were just getting some seeds for our garden.” 

Dean looks down, not knowing where to look in the first place. He notices a pot full of lively red roses standing nearby the shop entrance. He plucks one big red rose from the batch, carefully avoiding the thorns, weighing in his fingers, before he kneels in front of Claire. 

“A pretty rose for a pretty little princess,” Dean says gently, offering the rose to Claire. Cas smiles a little bit at the kind gesture. Claire giggles and says thank you, before hugging Dean furiously. Dean pats Claire’s back delicately, his eyes meeting Cas’s and hopes Cas knows exactly what this is about- Dean’s way of saying  _ I’m sorry for the other day.  _

Clearing his throat and glancing at his big brother for a moment, Sam excuses himself to enter the shop, probably to pay for Dean’s rose, leaving Dean and Cas alone with Claire. Claire is somewhere off in her own world, admiring the flowers, and then abruptly rushes into the shop after Sam, probably to check more flowers inside the shop.

“Cas, listen-” Dean starts but freezes when Cas holds a hand up. 

“Stop. Just stop. We already talked about it, Dean. Thank you for giving Claire that rose, that was very sweet of you. But I think you should go.” Cas's voice is hard yet his eyes are filled with... something which drowns Dean with emotions and it makes Dean wanna punch him and hug him all at once.  Dean bit his lips hard, that aching stabbing feeling returning to his chest and making him nauseous. he nods, jaws clenching so hard, he feels pity for his teeth.

Sam returns and before Dean can try to speak again, he says with a knowing look, “Hey, we should get going.” 

Dean nodded, rubbing his palms together, “It was great to see you guys again.” 

Claire skips out of the shop, waving cheerfully with one hand, “Bye, Sam and Dean!”

***

“So…” Sam speaks up, glancing at Dean from the passenger seat while Dean navigates the impala through the traffic.

Dean only grunts as a sign that he’s hearing. 

“Claire seems like a cute kid, not to mention she got good manners.”

“What are you trying to say? Just say it. Don’t need to beat around the bushes.” Dean replies, not in the mood to fall for his brother’s ‘read between the lines’ game.

“I heard your conversation with Cas. Look, he didn’t mean that.”

“Oh, okay. So he didn’t mean that how? Did he tell you that? Or did you read his mind like a Jedi?” Dean snaps, unable to hold back the ugly feeling he’s been trying to hide from the moment Cas told him to leave him and his kid.

“Don’t need to get bitchy with me. I’m just saying I saw how he was looking at you when you gave Claire the rose. It wasn’t the look of someone who doesn’t want you around.” 

Dean isn’t sure if Sam is telling the truth or just trying to make Dean less miserable. But whatever it is, it’s clear enough to make his heart jump.

He clasps the steering wheel tightly, knuckles turning a bit white, and nods. Sam takes it as permission to continue, “I know it’s not easy to be around him, not after what happened back then. But, you guys didn’t have the closure and there are obviously some things you need to talk about. So, why don’t you try and talk to Cas? Clear the air between you two? That way it’ll be very less awkward whenever you both are around each other.”

Sam’s words echo through Dean’s mind as he drives to his place after dropping his brother at their parents’ empty house. _Maybe Sam is right_ , Dean ponders, _but what if it doesn’t work? What if Cas leaves again?_

All the _what-ifs_ are circling inside his head when a burning smell hits his nose, making him almost wince. 

“Shit shit shit shit,” he chants as he runs down the wooden stairs, almost stumbling. Dark smoke and the burnt smell are filling the kitchen as the meat and cheese stuffing for lasagna is getting burnt in the skillet. Dean quickly uses the plastic handle of the skillet to take it off the stove as he twists the knob to kill the fire before the fire alarm sets off. He fans a hand in front of his face, coughing a little at the piquant smell, and grimaces at the food which is now just some dark brown mess in the skillet. 

"Damn it, Cas." Dean curses.


	10. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthday invitation and a trip down the memory lane...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!! Here's a new chapter. Also, there's good and bad news. The bad news is the chapter updates might be a bit slow because we both are getting busy with daily lives, however, we WILL NOT leave the story because we love it and we love to share it with you people. And the good news is the chapters are getting longer which means things are getting interesting. Without further ado, enjoy this chapter and let us know how do you feel bout t in the comments. XOXO

_“...Mama, come here_

_Approach, appear_

_Daddy, I'm alone_

_'Cause this house don't feel like home_

_If you love me, don't let go_

_If you love me, don't let go…”_

  
  


October means the little Novak’s birthday is inching closer. Anticipation and excitement build inside Claire as she discusses her birthday plans with her newfound friends at school. When Cas goes to bring Claire home from school one Tuesday, he notices his little girl is buzzing with exhilaration as she tucks in her seatbelt. 

“Dad, so you know my birthday’s coming up,” Claire says, at a slow pace as if she wants Cas not to miss a single word.

Cas smiles, driving down the road, gripping the steering wheel tightly, “Yes, sweetheart. I’m pretty sure I remember my only daughter’s birthday.”

Claire smiles at the endearment, “I was wondering, for my birthday party, I want to invite some of my classmates…” Claire trails off, sounding nervous. Cas looks over at her for a moment and nods, “Of course.”

Claire takes a massive breath before continuing, “And I want to invite Dean.” 

Cas sighs. _And there it is,_ he thinks while adjusting himself in his seat.

“Look, Daddy, I know he was your friend. But he’s my friend now and he’s kind to me. He gave me that rose too, and-” Claire rambles on, trying her best to convince her father. Knowing Claire won't stop until Cas stops her, he cuts off her chattering after a while, “Claire, sweetheart, if you want to invite Dean, then that’s okay.” 

Claire stops jabbering and turns her head towards Cas so fast, he hopes she doesn't hurt her neck, “Wait, really?” 

“If you consider him a friend, then I suppose it’s alright,” Cas sighs, giving his daughter a smile which probably looks like a grimace but Claire doesn’t seem to notice it as she grins, exposing her teeth and scoots backward a bit to get comfortable in her seat. 

“Yay! I’m so excited!” Claire squeals, clapping her hands. Cas isn’t too fond of how close Claire got to Dean and how _fast_ it happened, yet Cas had once fallen victim to Dean’s charms before as well. So who is he to judge? And Claire is right after all. Regardless of all the unresolved drama between Dean and him, Dean has always been kind to Claire. It wouldn't be fair to Claire if he too scorned by making dean not come to the party. After all, everything he does is just for his daughter.

They arrive home and Cas parks the car inside their small garage. He gets out of the car and helps Claire to get out too. Not looking back, Claire sprints inside the house through the door which leads to the main house and up the stairs to clean and get changed as her father prepares her food. 

Claire’s birthday is in a week- on 10th October- and Cas has prepared almost everything already. He has bought adventure-themed decorations which include balloons, ribbons, and other festive things. He has bought plates, cups, spoons, and whatever else they might need. He has already called to order Claire’s cake- a big green and blue cake with miniature chocolate figurines of mermaids, pirates, lions, and other items- along with some finger food and meals from a restaurant but one thing still remains undone: giving an invitation to Dean. 

Cas sighs pulling out his phone from his jean pocket. He flips through the text messages until he finds a specific contact. His fingers hover over Dean’s texts and he tells himself he’s not nervous, but it’s a lie.

 **_> _ ** _Hey. Claire wanted me to invite you to her birthday party next week, on the 10th. Would be nice if you could make it, she wants to see you. If you decide to come then let me know, I’ll tell you more details soon._

Keeping it direct, short, and simple, Cas hits the send button. _Don't think too much,_ Cas reminds himself.

Dean doesn’t reply immediately but a few minutes later, his phone buzzes. 

**_> > _ ** _Sure thing, Cas. Can I bring Sam?_

Cas stares at his phone. It’s probably not a bad idea to bring Sam. It might help to lessen the tension. 

**> ** _Of course._

Dean doesn’t reply after that, so neither does Cas.

***

Dean spends the first proportion of his day going on a few intense calls with his 136 team- a massive python strangling its keeper, a man getting stuck in a garbage compactor, and a car crash just near the edge of town. Dean tries his best to keep his mind busy since it’s just easier that way to not think about what his heart is trying to tell him. 

He’s on a lunch break when he receives a text from Cas asking if Dean wants to come for Claire’s birthday. He stops and stares at the message, not knowing what to do. Charlie sneaks up behind him, peeking past his shoulder. 

“Ooooh, Cas? _Your_ Cas?” She asks, curiously.

“How many other Cas’s- wait what? He’s not _my_ Cas!” Dean protests, scowling, ignoring the _thump thump_ of his heart.

Charlie just rolls her eyes, “You gonna go to that party?”

“I dunno...it would be better if I could bring Sam, ya know. That way I’d be able to stop myself from making a fool outta myself.” 

“Huh... so why don’t you just ask him?” Charlie suggests. It sounds so simple and straightforward coming from her lips so Dean does just that without thinking too little too much. Castiel immediately replies with a plain old _“Of course”._

“It’ll be fun, I’m sure.” Charlie tries to convince him but it sounds like she is trying to convince herself as well. Dean just nods and puts his phone away quickly, determined to finish his late lunch- a chicken sandwich with some beef jerky- before another call chimes in which makes him groan in frustration since it's the second time he will have to stop eating his lunch because of a call.

The next day, Dean is getting ready for his shift in the locker room of the station when his phone rings.

“Hello.” He answers the call without looking at the caller's name.

“Hello. Is this Dean Winchester?” An unfamiliar female voice asks.

“Yes, who’s this?”

“I’m calling from Raven & Company. The finger ring you gave to repair is ready. When can you come to collect it?”

“Oh, uh, I can come around 5 o’clock. But I’m not sure.”

“It’s okay. The store closes at 7 pm so you can come anytime you want.”

“Sure. Thanks for the call.” Dean ends the call and stands up, burying the phone in the pocket of his uniform pants.

He comes out of the locker room and looks around for Donna. He finds her upstairs in the kitchen, preparing what looks like a casserole. 

“Hey, Donna.” Dean greets her as he flops down on one of the wooden chairs of the dining table.

“Hi, Dean. How’s it going?”

“Okay... and I’ve to leave early today. Got some important things to do.”

“Sure. Just make sure you complete your tasks first.” Donna says, turning to him with a smile.

“You betcha,” Dean replies with a grin, knowing damn well how Donna gets annoyed when he makes fun of her Minnesota accent. Sure enough, she rolls her eyes and starts to clean a big knife. After a moment, the sirens and red alert lights start going off. 

“Come on, we got work to do,” Donna says, abandoning her kitchen work, to Dean who’s already moving towards the stairs.

***

Around five minutes past five, Dean opens the white wooden ornamental door of Raven & Company and steps inside the store as a bell rings above his head. Walking up to the reception, behind it is a woman with purple short hair sitting and going through a fashion magazine, Dean knocks on the glass counter. She notices him and stands up gracefully.

“Welcome to Raven & Company. How can I help you?” She greets him with a polite smile.

“Hi, I’m here for the ring I’d given to repair,” Dean replies.

“Sure. Please give me your receipt and I’ll check if it’s ready or not.”

“Okay.” Dean takes out his wallet from his back pocket and finds a small paper folded between some cash. He hands out the paper to the receptionist, who leaves her place from behind the counter after putting a placard with ‘BACK IN A MINUTE’ written on it.

Dean waits, tapping the counter mindlessly with his fingers, and swaying back and forth. His eyes wander to the other jewelry in the store, admiring the extravagant rings and necklaces he knows he can’t afford, not that there’s anyone for whom he would buy anything. He’s so distracted that he doesn’t hear the bell chime lightly as another customer enters the store. 

“Dean?” An all too familiar voice makes his stomach turn. 

Dean slowly turns his head to his left side to see Cas, in his office suit and tie, gazing back baffled and confused. 

“Cas? What are you-” The receptionist returns with a smile while holding a small black jewelry box, with a small ring nestled safely in the velvet cushion in the box. 

“Here you go sir,” She says. Dean hastily thanks her, checking the ring and closing the box, fully aware that Cas is still behind him since he can feel his presence on his back, making his insides go all wiggly.

“That for someone special?” Cas asks. Dean’s heart flutters at the way Cas’s voice hints a bit of curiosity and hesitation as he speaks. 

Dean looks up sighing, “No, actually. It’s uh- it’s actually mine. It’s a family ring. Needed a bit of repairing after years of wearing it.” Dean grins. 

Cas raises his eyebrows and nods, “That’s…good, I guess. I- uh- I’m here to get her a gift for her birthday. Michael and Gabe already sent their gifts. So I thought I should do it as soon as possible.” 

Dean nods in understanding, smile not faltering, “Funny we both chose the same place to do some jewelry shopping. Well, shopping in your case. I’m just here to collect it.” Dean almost winces at his own rambling.

“Can I see it?” Cas asks.

“See what?” 

“The ring.” Cas juts his chin towards the little black box in his hands and Dean glances down. 

“Oh, well, here it is,” Dean takes the ring out of its box and holds it between his forefinger and thumb, “It’s no a big deal. I had this in the family. Grandpa Henry used to wear this. Mom gave it to me when I joined the firing squad. Said how Grandpa Henry would have been proud of me if he was alive... Anyways,” Dean breaks the sentence when his thirst starts to close up with emotions. He turns back to the woman at the desk, “Thank you for this.” Without looking back at Cas, he walks towards the door, “I’ll see you on the tenth, Cas.” 

_That went well,_ he thinks, with a bitter and small chuckle.

**November 2006**

_Dean pulls the lever to open the trapdoor on the ceiling of the second-floor hallway. As the trapdoor opens, he carefully pulls down the metal ladder hanging down the small entrance of the attic. Dean climbs the steps slowly and peeks inside the attic. Pushing himself by his forearms, Dean enters the attic. The tiny attic is full of things- boxes of different shapes and sizes, chairs, and lamps- and they are covered by a thick layer of dust. Feeling squeamish, Dean tiptoes towards the cluster of boxes on a corner. He kneels down, making a face as the dust on the floor gets on his jeans. He blows on the top surface of a box sitting on another box, sending the cloud of dust into the air which makes his nose tickle._

Fuck Social Studies and its assignments, _Dean curses as he opens up various boxes, trying to find the family photo albums._

_The students have to make a presentation of ‘The Family Tree’ and it must include photos of the family members. Which is why Dean is now rummaging through the dirty boxes and getting himself all filthy._

_Opening the third box, Dean peers inside. He finds a huge thick photo album._

_“Bingo.” He murmurs, picking it out of the box and putting it on the floor. Just as he’s about to shut the box close, his eyes fall on a small box. Curiosity spreads inside his mind, making him pick up the box. It’s black and looks like a ring box. Dean bites his lower lip and fingers the lid open. Inside the box, a ring lays on a tiny cushion. The ring is big and silver in color. It clearly is a signet ring since there are small spirals and curves etched on the circular face of the ring which forms the shape of a tree. Wondering who the ring might belong to, Dean examines the box and notices a name printed on the inner side of the lid of the box._

_“Henry William Winchester.” Dean reads and, within a second, he realizes that the ring actually belongs to his grandpa._

_He doesn’t remember his grandpa clearly that much since he’d died when Dean was only five years old and Sam was just a baby._

_He’s about to try the ring on his finger when he hears voices coming from somewhere. Drowning, he looks around but doesn’t find the source of the voices. He hears silently for a couple of seconds and notices the voices belong to his parents. Dean presses a hand on the wooden floor and leans down a bit. The Winchester house is at least twenty years which makes it old enough to have cracked floors and thin walls and which also makes it pretty easy for Dean to overhear his parents arguing in their bedroom which is directly beneath the attic._

_“-stop being so thickheaded.” Mary snaps. A creaking sound fills the tensed silence for a moment as if someone moved. A scratching sound of wood against wood comes next. Probably someone just dragged a chair to sit on._

_“I’m not being thickheaded, Mary. I’m saying you don’t need to work. We are doing just fine.” John’s grave voice echoes after a second._

_“No. You_ think _we’re doing fine but we’re clearly not. Electric bills, my blood pressure meds, Dean’s coll-” Mary’s voice gets cut off as John speaks up, “Dean’s nothing. He ain’t going to college. I already told you only Sam will be the one to go to college. Dean will help me in the garage.”_

_Mary speaks but Dean’s chest burns and his eyes itch and his ears start to ring. With trembling hands, he shoves everything inside the box and stands up with jerky movement, not wanting to hear anymore. Not caring he’s got dust on his clothes, Dean almost stumbles down the ladder, heart pounding and hands sweating, and shut the trap door closed after pushing the ladder up. Knowing his dad has problems with him wanting to go to college is one thing but hearing it directly from his mouth is a whole ‘nother thing. And it hurts like a fucking bitch. He needed a distraction. He needed to get his mind off the shitty situation. he needed...Cas._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ring which appeared in this chapter can be found here: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/730005420838867785/ Don't forget to check the Pinterest board of the story, we've attached the link at the beginning of the story. <3


	11. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The little Novak's birthday finally arrives however it is also a day of a lot of mixed emotions for Cas which might lead Dean to knows little about what happened during all the years they were apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!! We are back with a brand new and long chapter. This chapter got both happiness and sadness Hope you guys like it :) Don't forget to tell us if you like it or not in the comments. We love to read about how you're reacting to our story.  
> Ps. TW for implied death. Enjoy! <3

_“...Well it's cold when we're apart_

_And I hate to feel this die_

_But you can't give me what I want_

_Just give it time_

_And if you and I_

_Can make it through the night_

_And if you and I_

_Can keep our love alive, we'll fight_

_We can meet in the middle_

_Bodies and souls collide_

_Dance in the moonlight_

_Where all the stars align_

_Oh you and I, oh you and I, oh…”_

  
  
  
  
  


**November 2006**

_Cas knocks on the white painted wooden door and waits, stuffing his hands inside the jeans pocket. November wind blows around him, giving him chills as breaths come out of his mouth as smoky puffs. Thankfully, the collar of his trenchcoat covers his ears, keeping them a bit warm. The muffled_ thud thud _of_ _footfalls gets louder, telling Cas someone is rushing to the door. Sure enough, a moment later, the door opens, revealing a smiling Dean. Cas likes to think he’s one of the few people who can read Dean’s face like an open book, so when he sees how the smile doesn’t light up Dean’s pretty green eyes, he realizes something is wrong._

_“What’s wrong?” he asks, stepping inside the house. For a moment, Dean’s expression becomes unreadable, then a big grin- too big grin which looks absolutely fake to Cas- replaces the flat line of his full lips._

_“Nothing’s wrong. C’mon, let’s go to my room.” Dean pulls on his arm and ushers him hastily to and up the stairs and into his room, shutting the door close._

_Cas stands in the middle of Dean’s room, with eyebrows raised at the messy state of the room. Clothes are spread all over the room- sweatshirts and henleys and jeans laying on the bed while mismatched socks are thrown over the backrest of a chair while red underwear is peeking from under the bed- and books are scattered on the floor and on the surface of the study table, empty scrunched up packets of crackers and burger wrappers are thrown in a corner of the room._

_“Why does it look like a storm went through your room?” Cas asks, stepping over an overturned book laying on the floor as he takes off his trenchcoat and folds it over his lap to sit on the edge of the bed. Dean rubs the back of his neck and looks away._

_“Uh, I was searching for something.” Dean’s left eye twitches- a telltale sign of him trying to hide something. However, Cas doesn’t point it out, instead, he stares at Dean’s face. The sprinkling of freckles on his face, especially on his nose and under the eyes, looks red under the pale light pouring through the curtainless window above the study table. The green of his eyes looks too bright like-_

_A knocking sound snaps him out of his reverie and Cas realizes he’s been staring at Dean for a bit too long...and Dean has been staring at him too if Dean clearing his throat and whirling around too quickly to face the door is any indication. Cas’s neck and ears burn and he quickly looks away as Dean opens the door._

_Mary Winchester is standing outside the room with a tight smile on her face. Her eyes move to the bed where Cas is sitting and her smile turns a tiny bit bigger._

_“Hey, Cas. How are you doing?”_

_“Hey, Mrs. Winchester. I’m doing well.”_

_From the corner of his eyes, Cas notices Dean still standing at the door, looking like his thoughts are miles away._

_“Dean, I’m going out for some work. I won’t take too long and there are some snacks kept on the counter and fresh juice in the refrigerator. If you get hungry, don’t forget to eat, okay?” Mary tells Dean, cupping his face with her rosy white palm. Cas watches as Dean leans onto his mother’s hand, eyes fluttering close._ Having a caring mother must be really awesome, _Cas thinks, staring at his folded hands on his lap._

_With a final smile at Cas’s direction, Mary walks out of the room, leaving him and Dean alone. Dean closes the door slowly this time. Cas watches the back muscles under Dean’s jade green Henley moving up and down as he takes deep breaths. He longs to wrap his arms around Dean, to feel the warmth of his body against his, to drown in the beats of Dean’s heart but he sits still, clenching his hands into fists trying to calm his urges._

_“You okay?” Dean’s question brings him back to reality._

_“Huh, yeah. I’m okay. All good.”_

  
  


**October 2019**

The tenth of October closes in too fast for Dean’s taste. He gets ready wearing his favorite green jacket on top of his maroon white one. He checks the rose pendant he’d bought for the little Novak and closes the small black cube box carefully. Sam slides his head through the door to check if his brother is ready, and they leave Dean’s place hurriedly, determined not to be late. 

The Novak household is already packed with little kids sprinting around throwing water balloons and water guns at each other. The house and garden are covered with beautiful bright decorations- ribbons and balloons everywhere. The last time Dean came here, he didn’t get time to pay attention to the looks of the house. So this time he takes a moment and takes in the trimmed bushes of the lawn and the clean looking porch, along with the light color of the exterior of the house. Sam grins as he bumps into another kid who stares up at him like he’s a massive giant and quickly runs away. 

“I’ve never seen so many kids in one place,” Dean leans towards his brother and hisses, eyeing the small children frolicking around. 

Sam just chuckles in response, “So, where’s the birthday girl and her father?” He looks around without moving from where he’s standing.

“Cas is probably busy, let’s find Claire,” Dean says, as he glances at a long table draped with white cloth and filled with colorful boxes of various sizes but he doesn’t see Claire there. He’s determined to avoid Cas at all costs. He’s here for Claire, not for Cas, after all. The sun is glimmering brightly today but the cool and calming breeze makes the heat a bit bearable. 

Moving carefully past some adults- the parents _,_ Dean assumes-, they walk over to the back garden where they find all the kids screaming and laughing. Some of them are dripping from head to toe from their ferocious water balloon fight. At that moment, Claire walks through the open french door of the house with a little boy with blond hair and a serious expression on his face- completely clean and unscathed, Dean notices. Her bright blue eyes fall on Dean and her lips turn up in a big smile; she immediately sprints over to him, nearly tripping on the uneven grass but not giving a damn about it. She’s wearing a gorgeous blue dress with a small silver crown resting on her head. The dress has lace at the top with no sleeves. The blue fabric covers Claire’s legs up to her calf with a wide white ribbon around her waist; a pair of deep blue ballet shoes cover her feet. A princess indeed. 

“Dean! Sam!” She says excitedly, opening her arms.

“Happy birthday to my favorite Novak!” Dean grins, picking her up the exact same way that Cas does- arms under her armpits-, and spins her around. Claire laughs and hugs Sam once Dean gently lowers her back to the ground. 

“Happy birthday, Claire,” Sam replies beaming. 

Sam hands her the gift- a rainbow unicorn soft toy wrapped up wrapping paper. Claire rips away the paper and hugs the soft toy tightly, smiling broadly and thanking Sam over and over again. 

Meanwhile, Dean kneels next to the little girl and takes the box out of his jacket pocket and hands it to her.

“What is it?” Claire asks, eyes sparkling eagerly. 

“Open it,” Dean replies gently. She does exactly that and opens the little box to reveal a beautiful silver rose pendant. Claire glances up, grinning widely, and picks up the small jewelry in her little fingers. 

“Here,” Dean offers. He takes out a silver chain from his pocket and pushes its one end through the tiny hoop of the pendant very slowly and carefully. Turning Claire around, he drapes the chain around her back and fixes the clasps at the back of her neck. Dean looks up and sees Castiel exiting the house from the back door carrying a plate of food. He quickly turns away, hoping he didn't see him.

 _This is ridiculous. Obviously he’ll see you, dumbass. This is_ his _party, after all,_ Dean’s inner voice chastises, however, Dean shoves it away choosing to ignore it.

“I love it! Thank you, Dean!!” Claire squeals, pulling Dean from his stupor and hugging him again. The high pitched squealing grabs Cas’s attention. He turns to see Sam and Dean and walks over to them a little awkwardly. 

“Hey, guys,” Cas says simply. Sam grins and greets him with a small, “Hey Cas.” and Dean just nods with a smile who feels more like a grimace than an actual smile

“My dad gave me this locket!” Claire says enthusiastically, pointing to the heart-shaped locket in a chain wrapped around her neck. She looks between her father and Dean, smiling.

“You both got me lockets. What a co- cond-” Claire stops, frowning at Cas.

“It’s a coincidence, sweetheart.” Cas corrects her. “She is still learning some big words,” Cas tells Dean and Sam, without looking away from his daughter.

“It looks beautiful, princess,” Dean says smiling. He watches as Claire shows her father the pendant Dean gave her. His heart wants to stare at Cas and take in all the changes that happened to Cas over the years. Yet, his mind tries to make him look at everywhere but Cas. It’s a tug of war between his heart and mind and unsurprisingly, his heart wins. Dean stares at Cas who’s now fussing over his daughter’s dress. He’s wearing a blue and white flannel with folded sleeves, showing off his tanned forearms, over a black KISS T-shirt with black jeans. His hair is messier than usual- _probably stressing over the party,_ Dean guesses- and his face wears a big smile, even though the cheeks look a bit flushed.

A poke on his side makes him turn his head. Sam is shaking his head, trying to look subtle but failing to a large extent. Dean rolls his eyes and shifts his weight from one foot to another. 

“So, Sam, are you visiting, or did you move here permanently?” Cas asks, standing up and brushing his hands over his thighs for non-existent dirt, Dean's eyes tracing them unconsciously.

“Just visiting for now. Might move once I get a job here.” 

“That’s great. I can help you with it if you want.”

“Thanks for the offer, Cas. I’ll think about it.” Sam smiles politely while Dean’s heart warms a bit because, even though they aren’t as close as they were before, Cas still manages to think about Sam.

The cake is cut and served among the guests after a while. Cas mingles with the people as Dean stands in a corner, observing everything while Sam is in the vicinity, probably talking to someone about human rights. His eyes fall on a woman who looks a bit familiar as if he has seen her before. After searching through his memories, he recalls her as the woman who brought Claire to the site when he had rescued Cas from the fire. He turns his gaze towards the sky where the sun is hiding behind a heap of thick grey clouds. A cool breeze makes the tiny hairs at the back of his neck stand upright. He pulls up the collar of his jacket, hoping to feel a bit warm when a voice speaks behind him.

“If you’re feeling cold, you can go inside.” Dean turns around to find Cas standing a few feet away, holding a tray half-filled with small sandwiches with one hand while the other one is hanging loose on his side, which, Dean notices, is a bit colorful and somehow sparkling around the wrist and the fingers.

“Claire thought it’d be 'cool' to put glitter on her plate to match it with the party theme.” Cas answers his unasked question, using air quotes for ‘cool’. Dean can’t help but snicker, “Well, that explains why your hand looks like a unicorn vomited on it.”

Cas rolls his eyes and doesn’t even try to hide the smile his face is showing at the moment.

Remembering that Cas asked him a question, Dean replies, “And it’s okay. And I don’t mind a tiny bit of cold. Thanks for the offer though.”

Cas just nods in response and struts away towards a group of few grown-ups.

Sam appears beside him a moment later, carrying a glass filled with a bluish-purple color drink.

“What’s this?” Dean asks, making a face.

“Mixed berries juice. And don’t go around asking for a beer. This is a children’s party.”

“Oh god, Sammy. _Thank you_ for telling me this is a children’s party when, in the first place, _I_ was the one to get invited and decided to drag your sorry ass here.” Dean snarks.

At the end of the day, when the party is almost over, Dean decides to relieve himself before leaving, so he goes inside the house, in search of a washroom. He’s about to look around for Cas in the kitchen to ask for directions when he hears a voice, which makes him stop in a midstep.

“-be sad. Your mother will always be with you, sweetheart.” Cas’s soft voice comes through a slightly ajar door. Someone says something in reply, but it’s muffled enough that Dean can only guess it’s Claire’s voice since there's no one else Cas speaks to with that much softness. Dean takes a step towards the door. However, he hesitates, curling his palm into a fist and shaking his head. _This is a private moment._ Turning around, he goes away and out of the house to find Sam so that he doesn’t have to stay there for a second longer.

***

It’s almost midnight and Cas is tired. Extremely and awfully tired. But, laying down on his bed, while his daughter is sound asleep in her room, he can’t even fathom the thought of sleeping. He twists and turns around, trying to find a good position that might help him sleep but it’s a vain attempt. Cas sits up, the dark blue blanket pooling around his waist, revealing his bare torso to the cold air coming inside through the open window, making the white curtains flutter. Running a hand over his already messy hair, Cas gets up from the bed, swinging his legs off the bed and sinking his feet onto the soft woolen rug on the floor, and walks to the closet. The walk-in closet is filled with his clothes, all coordinated in color with a long mirror attached to the wall between the suit section and pant section. Cas takes a few steps towards a small table in a corner and spins the circular lock of the metal locker, sitting on the table, and opens it. Inside it, lays a small box and a picture. He takes out them both and stares at the picture while he opens the box. In the picture, a short blonde girl is standing with her arms wrapped around a tall boy’s waist with one of his arms around her shoulder. She is smiling a mischievous grin while the boy is sporting a half-smile. They are both wearing black graduation gowns with matching color caps. Cas glances at the ring- an ebony color ring with a big, white sparkling diamond placed on it- laying on the box. 

“I hope you know we, me and our daughter, miss you, Meg.” Cas whispers, his voice hoarse with feelings bubbling up from inside. Speaking to a dead person is ridiculous but it is the only thing he can do right now because there's no one he can talk to. _There is someone now, you know,_ a voice tells him but he closes his eyes briefly shutting it up. Suddenly feeling to get fresh air, Cas puts back the photo and box inside the locker and shuts it close. Pulling a sweater from the hanger without looking, he puts it on and walks out of the closet. Collecting his phone and a packet of cigarettes and his lighter from the side table drawer beside his bed, Cas moves silently out of his room and opens the door of his daughter’s room to make sure she’s sleeping alright. Then he climbs down the stairs, slowly and carefully, making sure he doesn’t make a noise. Shoving his feet into a pair of shoes kept by the front door, Cas walks out through the main door and uses his phone to turn on the special security locks he’s installed before moving to the house. 

The night is silent, with the sky void of stars and moon and covered with clouds. A whisper of breeze makes him shiver a bit but he ignores it and starts walking down the street. He remembers there’s a playground after a few blocks, where he used to go when he was in high school. Stuffing his hands inside the pockets of his sweatpants to keep them warm, he moves towards the direction of the playground. 

The gates of the playground look worn with age and make a screeching noise, which slices through the silence of the night when Cas pushes them open to enter the playground. The emptiness of the place looks almost haunting though there are lampposts glowing in the space between every two wooden benches around the edge of the playground.

Cas silently treads towards a swing set standing at a distance from the lights, almost invisible in the dark, the dead leaves on the ground rustling under his feet.

The seat is cold and unforgivingly hard under his ass. The squeak of the rusty metal chains attached on either side of the seat with the swing frame and the groan of the seat under the pressure of his weight makes Cas feel like an intruder even though not even a soul is seen anywhere near. He feels too large for the seat since his knees are almost bent to ninety degrees, but he doesn’t care.

Taking a deep breath, he takes out a cigarette from the packet and puts one end in his mouth, lips wrapping around it. Cupping one palm around his mouth and the cigarette, he clicks on the trigger of the lighter, blue flame bursting out of the small nozzle, and lights up the butt of the cigarette. He spins the lighter with one hand while he wraps the other one around the chain, letting the coldness of the metal soak into his skin while the familiar smell of cigarette smoke fills his nostrils.

A while passes as he stares into the night, feeling his mind relaxing. The night is eerily silent except the _swish-swash_ of the leaves once in a while as blows of air whisper through the night.

Cas gets so relaxed that he doesn’t hear someone walking towards him until he hears a sound of throat clearing. Getting rigid with tension, Cas slowly faces the person, half-burned cigarette dangling from his mouth, as the smoke disappears into the air.

The man standing is wearing a black jacket over a blue Henley with faded blue jeans. The face is mostly hidden in the shadows through the faint light from the lampposts illuminates it enough for Cas to recall who the man is.

“Dean.” Not a question. A statement in a whisper because his chest feels warm all of a sudden and it’s not due to the toxic smoke he’s inhaling.

“Hey, Cas. Mind if I-” Dean juts his chin towards the identical swing seat hanging beside the one Cas is sitting on. Cas just shrugs in response and watches as Dean takes a few steps forward and sits down, wriggling a bit to fit properly on the small seat.

Silence falls again, this time a little heavier than before. Cas tries to ignore how he can hear Dean breathing or how his heart is running faster as it usually does in Dean’s presence.

“Whatcha doing here? Couldn’t sleep?” Dean questions, breaking the silence.

“I...needed fresh air I guess. Today was a bit tiring.” 

“Oh yeah, it was a great party by the way.” 

Feeling oddly pleased over the fact the compliment is coming from Dean, Cas smiles a bit, taking off the cigarette from his mouth to exhale the smoke through his teeth, watching as the smoke catches the air and somersaults away, and shakes the ash from the butt of it using a finger.

He glances at Dean and finds him eyeing the burning cig with a raised eyebrow. 

“Didn’t know you started smoking.” 

For that, Cas has an answer but he doesn’t feel like saying it so he just huffs in reply. Instead, he chooses to ignore it.

“Why are _you_ here? Couldn’t sleep?”

Dean looks at him for a moment before replying.

“You know, the hazard of having a crazy work time schedule. Sometimes I sleep like it’s my job and sometimes I become a freaking night owl.”

Cas nods and takes out his phone. He opens the security app and checks if there’s any disturbance. Once he sees all is okay, Cas puts the phone inside his jeans pocket and holds the cigarette- or whatever is left of it- with his thumb and forefinger.

“Thanks, by the way.” He says after a while.

“For what?” 

“For coming to Claire’s party. And the gift. She was really happy.” Cas remembers the smile on Claire’s face when she was standing with Dean and Sam.

“I was happy to come so you don't need to thank me and Claire wanted me there so I couldn’t exactly not come. Speaking of Claire, where’s she now? Won’t she get scared or something in an empty house?...Unless there’s someone staying.” Cas notices a bit of hesitation in Dean’s voice at the end but he chooses to overlook it.

“She sleeps like the dead whenever she gets tired and today was _definitely_ a tiring day for her,” Cas replies and takes a deep breath when he hears Dean sneer because he doesn’t want him, of all people, to judge his parenting skills.

Cas doesn’t know why or how his mind decides to do it but somehow when he opens up his mouth to speak, he finds himself saying, “It was also her mother’s death anniversary” He hears a loud inhale and looks over to Dean to find him staring at him with so much emotion, he faces downwards, staring at the glowing end of the cig as ashes fall on the ground, not wanting to get drowned by Dean's eyes. When Dean doesn’t say anything, he continues, “Meg- her name was Meg- had an uncomplicated pregnancy, everything was going fine, and we thought it would be okay but the moment after Claire was put in my arms after her birth, Meg went into a shock, due to blood pressure dropping, and the doctors tried everything they could or that's what they said. But nothing was successful. It...it was one of the hardest days of my life. On one hand, I was holding my newborn child, and on the other hand, I lost her mother.”

“I...I’m so sorry,” Dean says, his voice a little rough and choked. Cas sighs inwardly, because it's not the first time he'd heard the s word, and doesn’t dare to look at Dean, afraid of what he might find on it.

“How did you meet?” Dean asks, his eyes fixed on Cas’s face. Cas shifts a bit, internally debating whether to tell Dean about everything or not. After a couple of heartbeats, he thinks _fuck it_ and speaks up.

“I was at an art gallery, exhibiting my art pieces, where she came as a visitor. We both were in the third year of college. At first, we talked and became friends. I knew she liked me after we started to hang out together but I...was not ready. She asked me why, however, I was hesitated to reply to at first. Took me months before I could talk about it. She understood and treated me like a friend. But then I realized even though she knew about...everything, she didn’t walk away or make me feel uncomfortable. So I decided to give her a chance.” Cas falls silent as his mind recalls the hours he spent on Meg's dorm room talking about high school and his friends... and Dean.

Cas doesn’t expect Dean to want to know more so when Dean says “Then what happened?”, he’s surprised enough to face him and try to check his expression but it’s hard to see Dean’s face in the dark so Cas just decides to continue, “A year later, we graduated and moved in together in an apartment. Few months after I joined the graduate school, she became pregnant though it wasn’t planned. It was quite a shock. Meg told me it’s okay if I decided to move out. She was from a rich family so she could definitely be a single mother without any financial problem. But at that point in my life, I was someone who wanted to prove to myself that I could handle everything without falling apart, so I told her as long as she wanted I’d be there for her and the baby. Even told her that I’d give them my surname in case her family had any objections about having a baby out of wedlock because they are kinda conservative people.” Cas can still remember how a sliver of hope and expectation glinted in Meg’s black eyes after he’d told her about his decision. 

“Did she know about us? Like, you know, us bei-” Cas interrupts Dean before he can finish the sentence.

“When I said everything, I meant _everything._ And that includes what happened to us." Cas watches Dean nodding from the corner of his eyes, "One or two months before Claire was born, we got married in the court. Only our families were present.” Cas lets out a bitter laugh, “Only if I knew how I’d be a widower and a single parent only months later.” 

The clouds shift in the sky, making space for the moon to peek from behind them, bathing the place with its light.

“You know I’m here for you, Cas. You know that, right?” 

Cas becomes still and his heart screams at him for telling Dean about Meg. He’s sure Dean means well but he doesn’t want him to. He's already making Cas want to reach him and take his hands into his and spend the night just being with each other...just like they used to when they were younger. However, he’s not someone who Dean should be with anymore. Dean needs someone who can be with him without any past incidents or someone with a small child and a dead wife. And he can’t be what Dean wants him to be.

“Did- do you love her?” Dean questions in a whisper but it feels like a yell to Cas, his throat suddenly closing up, choking him. He stands up, the swing seat flying backward with a force, without speaking up. Throwing the almost burnt out cig down, he smashes it on the ground with his shoes. Dean gets up from his seat too, taking a step towards him. However, Cas shifts and begins to walk. Heart beating fast and mind messier than before, Cas manages to take a couple of steps before stopping dead on his feet. Though he's fully aware he should say anything anymore right now, he can't help himself but open his mouth. “I loved her...but I wasn’t _in love_ with her.” With that, Cas walks away yet again, leaving Dean behind alone in the night, pretending not to hear the sound of a sharp intake of breath behind him.


	12. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire gets a party invitation however Cas feels anxious about sending his daughter to it. So he reaches out to an old friend to calm his nerves.  
> While things come out in the past...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very long chapter so grab a coffee and enjoy!! We know our updating schedule has been slow and a bit all over the place but we're doing our best. Thank you for all your support and we love reading your comments! <3

_“...So we went on our way_

_Too in love to think straight_

_All alone or so it seemed_

_But there were strangers watching_

_And whispers turned to talking_

_And talking turned to screams_

_Didn't they tell us don't rush into things_

_Didn't you flash your green eyes at me_

_Didn't you call my fears with the treacherous cat's smile_

_Ooh didn't it all seem new and exciting_

_I felt your arms twisting around me_

_It's all fun and games, still somebody loses their mind…”_

**December 2006**

_Dean shoves the door open and barges inside the house. Sam, who’s laying on the couch holding a book in front of his face, looks up at him with a frown._

_“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asks, sitting up and closing the book after bookmarking it with a strip of paper. Dean says nothing. Instead, he starts pacing back and forth on the wide space between the couch and the kitchen after throwing his backpack onto the couch, almost hitting Sam on his leg. The words Jo said earlier that day echoes in Dean’s mind, making his insides squirm. Sam gets up and stands in front of Dean with his arms crossed and a concerned look on his face, stopping him from pacing._

_“Jo told me something today,” Dean says, voice almost cracking with emotion. He knows he’s being ridiculous but he can’t help himself, after all, it’s about him and...Cas._ Cas _. He’s supposed to come to his house after his shift in the local bookshop. Maybe he’s running late since he doesn’t see his shoes by the door in his usual place to keep them whenever he comes to visit._

_“What did Jo say to make you look like someone told you Batman is real but he’s retired?”_

_“What? No, dumbass. The thing is...” Dean pauses, debating whether he should tell his brother about it or not. Then he thinks,_ fuck this, _and resumes, “Jo told me Cas likes me...like_ like _likes me.”_

_There’s just silence for a moment then Sam starts laughing- a loud ugly laughter which makes him almost bend with his arms wrapped across his stomach as if it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Dean narrows his eyes at his younger idiot of a brother and puts his hands on his hips._

_“Ya think it’s funny? I’m trying to say something serious here and you’re laughing like a fucking clown. One hell of a brother you are.” Dean snaps but his voice doesn’t have the anger because his mind is too busy comprehending what his friend told him earlier._

_“Okay okay. I’m sorry. I won’t laugh anymore.” Sam says, gasping for air with his hands up like he’s surrendering. Dean eyes him for a moment, “I’m gonna speak now so do NOT interrupt me, capiche?” Sam nods mutely and doesn’t say a word, biting his lips, probably to stop himself from laughing again._

_“I was hangin’ out with the gang today and one thing led to another and somehow I ended up telling them I like Cas which made Jo explain, in detail by the way, about how much Cas likes me. But, c’mon, Cas Likes me? Pfff. How can someone like Cas like me? Have you met me? I’m a fucking mess. I dunno where I’ll go to college. I- I dunno what I wanna study or be in the future. I can’t draw to save my life. I curse like a fucking sailor. On the other hand, Cas is like perfection. He is so beautiful it hurts. His eyes are like the freaking skies of summer and his laughter is so pretty. He can draw like a professional artist, and he’s so damn caring and so fucking soft- Sam, stop twitching, why are you moving your eyes like this?” Dean breaks off from picturing Cas in his mind and babbling about the reasons Cas is everything he can’t have when he sees his little brother doing some weird thing with his eyes. Dean rolls his eyes and huffs in irritation. When Sam tries to say something, Dean raises a finger at his face in a ‘stop’ gesture and continues, “I know this is getting a chick flick moment which isn’t like me but believe it when I say it. I don’t think Cas likes me the way I do. I know that you know I had a crush on him since the beginning but it’s not just a crush anymore, Sammy. I actually_ like _him. Like, head over heels like him even he’s way out of my-”_

_“Dean.” A voice- a very painfully familiar voice- interrupts Dean. Frowning, Dean rolls his eyes with an urge to bang his head against the wall, “See? I have even started to hear his voice. I bet ya, he’s not experiencing the same thing. And for fuck’s sake, stop fucking twi-”_

_“Dean Winchester.” The voice cuts in again, making Dean’s left eye twitch and his body to go still. His heart freezes for a moment before it restarts and begins to beat so fast, he’s afraid Cas would hear it too. Suddenly, his throat closes up and his mouth gets dry while a shiver runs through his spine._

_“He- he’s right behind me, isn’t he?” He whispers, almost inaudible over the sound of his heart pounding. Harder and faster than ever. Sam nods vigorously, his chin length hair shaking with motion and his brown eyes big as saucers. Taking deep breaths, Dean turns around slowly, feeling like he’s about to get executed because Cas is sure about to break off their friendship for being a creep and saying things a friend would_ never _say about another friend._

 _Cas is standing at the bottom of the stairs, still wearing the clothes he wore during school in the morning, with his hands on his side and eyes fixed on Dean’s face. Dean doesn’t recognize the expression on his face which scares him too much because he’s been_ always _able to read Cas like an open book._

Good job, dumbass. Now Cas is gonna run for the hills and will never look back at ya, _Dean’s mind snaps._

_“Cas, buddy. Wh-” Dean clears his throat, “What are you doing here? Sam,” Dean glances at his brother with a look, which probably screams I’m-gonna-stab-you-in-your-sleep, “didn’t tell me that you’re already here.”_

_“I had free time so I decided to come here early. And it’s a good thing, isn’t it? That Sam didn’t tell you I’m here. Because otherwise, I’d have never realized how you feel about me.” Cas answers with a raised eyebrow, which shouldn’t look hot but it does and Dean just gulps internally._

_“Bud-”_

_“Don’t buddy me, Dean.” Dean almost shudders at the way Cas says his name, at the way it sounds so pure yet so raw. Cas takes a few steps towards him and Dean’s inner voice tells him to step back but his feet seem to have a brain of their own and are glued to the floor._

_Dean stares at Cas’s too blue eyes, which are fixed on his face and doesn’t even register when Sam tiptoes towards the front door and out of the house._

_“You think I don’t like you the way you like me?” Cas asks, his voice is quiet and calm as if everything is alright and their friendship isn’t standing at a tipping point because either it’s gonna crash and burn or...something good will happen._

_“Cas,” Dean doesn’t know what to say which will salvage the situation and make things go the way it’s supposed to be- Dean and Cas being friends while Dean pines for him in secret._

_Cas takes a couple of steps more, making him stand close- too close- to Dean, their chests are brushing together and Dean can feel his hot breath on his lips. Unconsciously, he licks his lips, noticing how Cas’s eyes follow the movement with rapid concentration._

_“Dean, do you know that you missed out some things when you’re describing yourself?” Dean opens his mouth to ask how he’s wrong, but Cas doesn’t let him speak and continues, “you said you can’t draw and you curse like a sailor and that you’re a mess. But you forgot to mention how good you’re with people. You forgot to mention how easy it is for me to talk with you because you_ listen _. You care so much, and you’re one of the best souls I have ever known. The fact that you’re magnificently beautiful makes it more pretty. And…” Cas pauses, taking a deep breath while Dean has been holding his own breath since Cas started to talk. “...and I like you too, Dean Winchester. Though the word_ like _doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about you.” Cas finishes talking and just gazes into Dean’s eyes with his too damn blue and beautiful to be real eyes, waiting for Dean’s reaction._

 _As for Dean, he just searches his mind and unsurprisingly comes up with a reply to_ that _with_ . _So he does the one thing he’s been dreaming about since the first time he saw Cas. He grabs Cas’s collar, his knuckles grazing the warm skin of his collarbone, and pulls him forward pressing his lips to his own lips. Cas gasps into his mouth and stills for a moment. When Dean doesn’t indicate to let him go any time soon, Cas melts under his hands and wraps his arms around Dean’s neck, pushing forward until there’s not even a paper-thin space between them. Dean can feel Cas’s heartbeat against his chest and it’s fast and loud...just like his. Dean runs his hands over Cas’s thick locks of hair and they are just how he thought it’d be- smooth and soft and perfect like Cas. He can feel Cas’s fingers on the back of his neck, nails scratching on the skin between his hair and the collar of his T-shirt. Dean groans at the sensation and deepens the kiss, teeth biting on Cas’s lips and earning a deep moan in reply. He runs his fingers over the length of Cas’s spine, feeling him shudder under his fingertips._

_After a minute or an infinity, Dean lost track of time the moment he started to kiss Cas, they break off the kiss, even though none of them move away. Dean takes in the look Cas is sporting- swollen lips and messy hair with his eyes big like an owl- and starts to chuckle which turns into a burst of laughter within a second. Cas starts to giggle and pulls Dean into his arms, wrapping himself around Dean and burying his head into the crook of his neck, his body still shaking with laughter. Dean takes the opportunity to bury his nose in the side of Cas’s head, filling his nose with the smell of the lemon-scented body wash Cas uses, along with his natural musk._

_“I’ve been waiting for this moment for months,” Cas says, his muffled voice causing vibrations into Dean’s skin, who sighs happily enjoying the warmth radiating from the boy in his arms._

_“Me too, Cas, me too.” Dean says, mumbles, not wanting to separate from the other boy just yet._

**October 2019**

After the night at the playground, Dean's mind couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t focus on his work no matter how hard he tried. He thought maybe if he knew about Cas’s past, that would help him move on or at least do _something_ , but now, all he can think about is that yearning in his goddamn chest, wanting to wrap Cas in his arms and give him the warmest hug. It isn’t fair. Despite how things went in the past, Castiel is the best person he knows, even to this day. But the world is so cruel and unjust. It isn’t fair that Cas has to raise a kid on his own. _Single parents don’t get the credit they deserve, seriously,_ Dean thinks just as he sees someone approaching him from the corner of his eyes as he tries to concentrate on the paperwork scattered in front of him on the table.

Charlie smacks his head with a health and safety book, crossing her arms across her chest, a bold frown on her pretty face, “What’s gotten into you, man? Are you on your man period again?” 

Dean sighs, standing up from the stool, and fixes his shirt, “First of all, _rude._ Secondly, I’m fine.” 

Charlie simply rolls her eyes, “That’s bullshit, but if you’re not ready to talk about whatever’s got your panties in a twist, then okay. I know how you have chronic emotional constipation. You wanna run an errand with me?”

Dean gives her a bitch face before tilting his head, thinking. Anything to get his mind off Cas. “What errand?” 

“So, you know how Donna wants to hold that Halloween special thing here, right? She wants me to go over to the school and spread the news and these _gorgeous_ posters that I created. I asked Benny but he was being a bitch about it. So, wanna come?” She waves one of the flyers at Dean’s face so he grabs it and skims through it. The poster has a black background with pictures of white Casper style ghosts and carved pumpkins reading, _Our friendly ghosts would like to invite you to the 136 Halloween Special! Come at your own risk because there will be candies, spooky game and LOTS OF FUN!!_

“This looks corny as hell. But sure why not even though it’s good to know Benny was your first choice instead of this handsome hunk,” He grins, pointing at himself, which earns an eye roll from his friend, before grabbing his jacket and following Charlie out the station and to her red car which is parked beside his Baby. Dean slides into the car and eases on the passenger seat as Charlie starts the engine with a grin thrown at his direction. 

Dean stares at the sea of little kids sprinting around with their little feet at recess. 

“There’s so _many_ of them,” Dean gasps exaggeratedly. Charlie lets out a loud laugh beside him, rolling her eyes. A few kids jog up to them to talk with them which halts their plans a little. Afterwards, they talk with some teachers and spread the posters around inviting everyone to the 136 station on Halloween night, Charlie promising them that it’ll be a special one indeed. Recess ends and Dean and Charlie are about to leave the school, trekking down the hallway towards the door when Dean hears an all too familiar voice reverberating in his ear. 

“Dean, where are you-” Charlie looks back at him as Dean’s feet are already moving towards the noise. He comes around a corner and sees Claire Novak getting pushed mercilessly into the floor by two boys. She groans as she lands with her elbows grazing the tiles. Dean is about to intervene when Claire stands up, furious and enraged, and shoves the taller boy with her hands. The boy stumbles back surprised that this little girl has so much force and power in her. Dean sees the boys curling his hand into a fist, and quickly steps forward. 

“Woah, what’s going on here, kids?” Dean intervenes. Claire whips her head around, eyes going wide as her gaze rests on Dean. Charlie is close behind, hands on her hips. 

“She started it!” the shorter and more muscular boy states. 

“You’re the one who said bad things about my mom!” Claire fires back. Dean has to put a handout and stop her before she plunges into the boys again. 

Charlie stares at them, “What did you boys say?” 

But it’s Claire who answers, “They said I’m bad and that’s why I don’t have a mummy.” Dean is appalled and even Charlie looks like she got slapped in the face. 

“Now, that’s not how we treat our classmates. Apologise or I will report to your teacher,” Charlie informs sternly. 

“Sorry,” Both boys say in unison, bowing their heads but not before glaring at Claire who glares back with much more intensity.

“And don’t you say anything like that ever again, got it?” Dean’s voice is a bit louder than he wants it to be, however, hearing things about Cas or his family made him too angry to notice. The boys nod afraid and scurry off to class. 

“Man, what a couple of bullies,” Charlie huffs. 

Dean kneels in front of Claire, “You good, princess? You know what they said isn’t true, right? You’re good just like your dad is awesome, okay? Trust me.”

Claire smiles weakly, “Thanks, Dean.” She hugs Dean burying her face in his shoulders. 

When they separate, Dean looks at Charlie, “Claire, this is my best friend, Charlie. Charlie, this is Claire, the strongest Novak.” 

Claire’s smile widens, “Hello!” 

“Hey, Claire. You’re definitely one strong girl for standing up to those boys like that,” Charlie grins, putting out her fist, which Claire bumps with her own little fist. “Thanks!”

“Dean, I’m gonna talk to that English teacher we met when we first came in,” Charlie says, waving goodbye. 

“Claire, I was meaning to ask, is your dad doing okay?” Dean asks, dropping his voice. 

“Yeah, he is. He misses you, I think,” Claire replies quietly. Her hands go to her right elbow wincing at the touch. 

“Oh, what do we have here?” Dean takes her arm gently, examining her elbow which got a small graze when her elbow made contact with the floor earlier.

“It hurts a little, but I’m fine,” Claire says. 

“No no, let’s take you to the nurse and get this checked over,” Dean stands back up. 

“Aren’t you… a nurse?” Claire asks, shifting her feet. 

“I know a thing or two, but right now, I don’t have my first aid kit to treat you. Come on,” Dean waits. Claire wraps her palm around Dean’s index finger with a shy smile, which surprises Dean greatly. 

After making sure Claire would be okay, Dean finds Charlie in her car waiting. 

“What took you so long?” Charlie asks with a small smile playing on her lips. 

“Had to take Claire to the nurse, she hurt her elbow when she fell,” Dean says, sliding on his seatbelt. 

“Novak… Where have I heard that name before... ” Charlie hums, tapping her finger in her chin, until it clicks in her head, “Wait! Cas! That was Cas’s kid? Oh my god, Dean, she’s so cute!!” 

“ _Charlieee!”_ Dean whines, “Will you just fucking drive?” 

“She loves you, you know. Claire. I could tell. The way she hugged you, and the way she buried her face in you. It was like she felt safe around you. That’s good, Dean. Really good,” Charlie blabbers on. 

Dean sighs, “It’s got nothing to do with Cas, alright? I just like Claire. She’s cool, fun, kind, very talented for her age, and brave too.” 

“Bet she gets that from her dad,” Charlie coos on. 

Dean rolls his eyes, resting his head on the seat, “Yeah.”

“Anyway, for what it’s worth, I like her too,” Charlie agrees before accelerating out of the school parking lot. 

***

“Dad?”

“Hmm,”

“Dad!”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Please look at me.”

Cas sighs, lowering the lid of his Macbook and turns his face to look at his daughter. At the door of his home office, Claire is standing with her hands behind her back as if she’s hiding something, with her eyes all big and innocent which screams ‘I want something’. _Here we go,_ Cas thinks as Claire walks up to him and stands beside his desk. Instead of letting her stand, Cas picks her up, holding her under the arms, and settles her on top of the desk. He eyes a black paper on one of her hands but decides to hear what his daughter has to say first.

“Yes, Claire bear?” Cas asks, smiling patiently at his daughter, knowing too well she’s gonna ask for something.

“Today, the firefighters came to our school. They are throwing a party for the kids at Halloween. Can I go? Please? All of my classmates are going. Pretty please?” Thrusting the paper at him, Claire looks at Cas with puppy eyes and a pout which does nothing to make Cas refuse. But he hesitates given the fact that he’s trying his best to keep away from a certain green-eyed man who, somehow, has already managed to invade his thoughts...yet again. Cas rubs his face and leans back, resting his back against the padded headrest of his chair, sighing. He looks down at the paper on his hand and reads the invitation written on it with fancy fonts aloud. 

“I’ll think about it, okay?” Claire begins to smile, her hopes clearly getting higher, but Cas interrupts quickly, “I’m not saying yes. Just that I will check it out. If it’s safe and okay for you, we can go.”

Claire nods once and scoots forward to wrap her arms around Cas’s neck. He caresses his daughter’s head, her blonde hair smooth beneath his hands. Cas notices the pink plaster on Claire’s elbow and brings her arms up to examine further. 

“Claire? Is there something you want to tell me?” Cas asks in his ‘dad’ voice. 

Claire sighs, forcefully pulling her arms down, “Some boy pushed me in school and I fell but it’s okay. I’m okay, Dad. Dean and his lovely friend helped and took me to the nurse.” 

Cas sighs, a heavy and exhausted deep exhale, as he thinks, _Of course, it has to be Dean._

“As long as you’re okay… but you have to tell me when things like this happen at school, sweetheart,” Cas replies weakly. 

“I know, dad. But I’m okay, now!” 

“That’s good. Off you go, little duckling, go finish your homework.” Claire makes a fake duck noise and hops away. Cas closes his eyes and tries not to overthink how one way or another he just continuously has to face the very person he is trying to stay away to protect his heart and his soul.

The next day, Cas puts Claire to sleep after lunch as she has been whining about having a headache since morning. Changing into a threadbare white tee and the faded jeans he usually wears while working on his paintings, Cas locks himself inside the painting room. He removes the cloth covering the portrait of Dean with a flick of his wrist and stares at it. He thought it was a great idea at the moment he decided to make a portrait of his ex-boyfriend since its purpose was to make him able to move on from the pain, however, it turned out to be bullshit. No matter what he did or still does, he can’t make his feelings- the good ones and the bad ones- regarding the man go away. It’s like a knot in his heart he cannot undo no matter what he does. A color stain on his soul which doesn’t seem to fade away even though it’s been years. Cas remembers the first stroke of his paintbrush on the canvas. It was kinda cathartic. Now it all feels fake. It feels like all the hours he spent, all the energy he burnt for the painting seems to be spiraling down the drain. Because the closure he wanted to get to move on isn’t anywhere nearby, not even by a hundred kilometers.

A vibration against his thigh breaks his reverie, startling him. Cas takes his phone out of his pocket and slides his thumb across the screen to answer the call while glancing at the caller ID.

“Hello, Gabe.”

“Hey, lil bro. Just saw your text. What’s up?” Gabriel’s voice flows through the phone speaker.

“Uh… I wanted to ask you something.” Cas rubs the back of his neck, walking to the window, shut closed behind the white curtains beside which the empty canvases and easels are shoved in the corner while the ones with colorful art are kept on a long table.

“Okay. Tell your wise big brother what’s wrong.”

“Claire and the kids in her class got invited to a children party for Halloween...at the fire station.” 

“That’s fan-freaking-tastic. Munchkin will love it. What’s the problem then?”

“Gabe, did you forget who works at the fire station?” Cas huffs at his brother’s nonchalance. 

“Who- oh. _Oh._ Your blast from the past aka your boy toy. Oh, Cassiepoo.” Gabriel sighs.

Ignoring Gabe’s weird nickname for him, Cas turns around and rests his hips against the window sill. “I know. I wanted to ask for your suggestion. What should I do now? Should I go with Claire? Or should I refuse her? This is so fucking frustrating.” Cas almost growls.

“Relax, bro. What are you worried about? Meeting Dean or Claire being overwhelmed? It’s her first Halloween without us.”

Every year at Halloween, the Novak family got together to celebrate Halloween at one of the bakery shops of Gabe’s. The tradition started after Claire was born. Cas was barely managing to handle his newborn daughter and the business simultaneously and was exhausted all the time. So to cheer him up, Gabe decided to make it a tradition to celebrate the spooky occasion at his shop. Only family and friends were allowed. When Cas tried to tell him it wasn’t necessary, Gabe just responded with “this is what family does, brother.” 

“I guess I’m a bit worried Claire might find it too chaotic. There will be a lot of people and costumes. I dunno too much details. Just the things that are mentioned on the invitation leaflet.” Cas says now thoughtfully.

“You’re right. However, you can find out about it.” Gabriel’s voice is suggestive which doesn’t surprise Cas at all.

“You want me to ask Dean.” A statement instead of a question.

“Yep,” Gabe confirms, popping the p at the end, “look, you wanna make sure if your daughter will be okay? Then better ask someone who knows everything about it.”

For once, his big brother makes sense but Cas isn’t gonna say it out loud. Gabriel already has an ego way too bigger than his body.

Cas makes a sound in his throat and decides not to say anything, choosing to stare at the big portrait standing in front of him instead. 

“Okay, baby bro. I gotta go and check if my minions are doing a good job or not. Take care of your kid and don’t do something that I wouldn’t do.”

Cas rolls his eyes and ends the call with a short ‘bye’.

Rubbing his forehead with two fingers, he scrolls down his messages and opens Dean’s texts.

< _Hey, it’s Cas. Wanted to talk to you about the Halloween party Claire got invited to. > _

Cas stares at the screen as the ‘DELIVERED’ appears under the text. After thinking for a moment, he sends another one.

_ <I won’t be able to talk today so can you come to my place tomorrow @ 4 pm?> _

Tapping his thumb on the screen a few times, Cas closes the app and locks the phone. Taking a deep breath, he walks out of the room, but not before taking a glance at the painting, and shuts the door behind him.

***

Dean had replied a few minutes after Cas sent that text. Now Cas is home, wrapping up work while Claire is at the Klines’ house. He still has some paperwork to finish which he brought home from the office. Neatly creating a small stack of papers he will need to get through before signing the current deal, Cas runs his chin, feeling a bit tired. He’s still in his work clothes, the white shirt tight against his muscular body except for his suit and tie which he removed after returning home because it is already way too hot and he knows he needs to get comfortable with Dean in the room. There’s a knock on his front door and Cas already knows who it is. Since the office is downstairs, it takes only a few moments for Cas to go to the front door. Nervously, Cas pushes the door handle down, opening the door slowly. 

“Heya Cas,” Dean greets with a small smile. He’s wearing a casual black AC/DC t-shirt with a swamp green jacket over it with black pants and brown combat boots. As usual, he’s looking devastatingly beautiful.

“Hello, Dean. Please come inside.” Cas steps to the side to let Dean in, catching a faint scent of cologne as he passes him. ”Would you like something to drink?” Cas asks, his heart racing like he was sprinting a fucking marathon a moment ago.

“A glass of water would be fine, thanks.” Cas nods in response and hurries to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water. 

“Claire is at the Klines. Jack wanted to show her some toys.” Cas says when he notices Dean’s eyes wandering around while sipping water. “Shall we go to my office?” Cas asks, fidgeting with his fingers. Shrugging, Dean follows Cas into the office. Cas feels the heat of his gaze at the back, which makes him gulp. Being shut in a room with Dean is like walking on a two-edged sword but seems like he’s turning into a sadist. When Cas turns around after shutting the door gently and looks at Dean, he feels that familiar heat rise in his body because Dean is staring at him with a look which is so borderline indecent, suddenly the room becomes five times warmer.

***

“So, what’s up?” Dean croaks out, pacing a little to stop his mind from wandering into dangerous waters. When Cas opened the door, Dean had to mentally slap himself because he almost gasped. Cas in suit and tie is hot but Cas wearing just a white shirt which stretches across his chest and plasters against the bulging biceps is on a whole new level of hotness. Not to mention the way his pants show off the thick thighs and the ass which Dean might have been staring at while walking to the office, however, it’s none of anyone’s business but his. 

“So, I wanted to ask you about this Halloween event you guys are holding. Claire and I usually celebrate it with my family. Only family and friends were usually present so I don’t want her to feel overwhelmed or anything if there's gonna be too many people,” Cas says, leaning on the big desk in the middle of the room, files and papers sitting on its surface in some neat stacks, and crossing his arms across his chest, which makes him look more enticing than he already is.

Dean nods, understanding, “I get you. But don’t worry. Usually, our Halloween event is pretty big but we have a lower budget this time around so it’s a bit smaller this year. It’s a good event for kids, we’ll be selling candy and little gifts in the station and it’ll be like a small party or a get-together. You’ll be there too, right?” Cas nods once, “And still if you think Claire will feel anxious about it, I can get one of my colleagues to be with her all the time. Her friends who are going will be helpful too.”

“You’re right. I was just worried. Everything’s changing and I want to make sure she’s okay.” Cas sighs, looking away from him, biting his lips as he usually did in the past whenever he was troubled. 

“I’m sure she will love it. Kids always love dressing up, right? I bet Claire loves it too.” 

“You have no idea, she really does love to dress up.” Cas smiles a little bit but doesn’t look convinced.

“She’s your daughter, of course, you’re worried, I understand. But Claire’s a great kid, you know, she’s a lot stronger than you give her credit for. She’s adapting and I think she really likes it here,” Dean says gently. He can’t help but feel sorry for Cas. Having to be a single parent wasn’t easy. Having to move states and start over wasn’t easy either. Suddenly, Cas stands straight and turns around. Dean is about to ask if something’s wrong when he sees Cas put a pair of AirPods in his ears, “Excuse me, I gotta take this call.” Dean nods and goes to sit on a loveseat pushed against the wall beside the door. He watches Cas as he starts talking in a low voice. Leaving Cas at his own devices, Dean takes the chance to look around the room. 

In one corner of the room, stands a tall bookshelf filled with books and files, which seems like all related to business. There’s a big window that is opened, allowing sunlight and a light breeze to flow into the room. And on its opposite wall, various sized picture frames are hanging. Dean glances at Cas who is busy over the call and looks a bit frustrated with whoever is on the other side of the call. Not wanting to disturb him, Dean gets up and silently walks to the pictures. One of the frames shows the Novak family- Michael, looking a bit older than Dean remembers him to be in his black tuxedo, standing beside a dark-haired woman wearing a red gown while Gabe and Cas are standing on her other side, both wearing outfits similar to Michael. Even Claire is there but she’s much younger than she’s now, probably three or four years old. Dean notices Cas's father isn’t in the photo. Dean turns to the next one which shows only Cas who’s wearing a black graduation gown and cap with a rolled-up certificate on his hand. He’s smiling but his eyes are missing their usual glint which was always present back in high school. Dean sees Cas’s reflection on the glass surface of the photo frame. Conversating on the phone, Cas is facing sideways but his face is turned towards Dean and his eyes are on his back and when he notices Dean is watching his reflection, the blue eyes lock onto the green ones as if they’re naturally magnetised to one another. A beat of silence later, Cas looks away with a frown and goes to the other side of his desk, rummaging through the pile of files and picking up a red leather file folder. Dean spins around and fiddles with the ring on his finger, twisting it clockwise then anticlockwise as Cas opens the file folder and eyes the things kept inside it.

“As I already said before, accept the deal or we can find-” Cas pauses, a mix of annoyed and determined look adorning his face, “I’m not an amateur businessman, Mr. Sinclair. I know the stakes.” Another pause. “I’m giving you 24 hours to decide. Don’t forget this is more important to your company than mine. I’ll see you at the meeting tomorrow.” Huffing loudly, Cas pulls the AirPods off from his ears and places them in black leather covered AirPod case carefully. He looks up to Dean with an embarrassed look unaware of the fact that Dean got a bit sweaty watching Cas being all bossy. 

“Hey, it’s- it’s all okay. We all got work.” Dean clears his throat with a tight smile, hoping Cas doesn’t realize how flustered Dean got.

“Right, okay. Where were we?...oh yeah. I know Claire is adjusting well. Better than I thought she would, honestly. So, I’ll allow Claire to go to the event.” 

“Awesome. And hey, who knows, you might enjoy yourself too,” Dean grins cheekily, “You deserve a break too, Cas.”

Cas gazes up, eyes fixating on Dean’s endearing smile which makes Dean a bit flustered, “Thank you, Dean, and thanks for coming.” 

“Of course. So... you’re coming to the party, right?” Dean asks and immediately regrets it. Mentally rolling his eyes, Dean thinks how stupid the question is because of course, Cas would come. He won’t let his daughter go to an event all alone, not when he’s worried about her being all overwhelmed and shit. Cas coughs awkwardly, grabbing his attention, “I think the answer is obvious, Dean.”

“Yeah yeah I got it smartass.” Dean pretends to grimace which makes Cas shake his head. 

Dean chuckles a little, walking to the door to leave while Cas flops down on the chair behind the desk, “Text me if you have more questions. I’ll see ya around, Cas.” 


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Halloween party in the present and a confession in the past...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! We are extremely sorry for posting so late but as we already mentioned before, our daily lives are getting in the way making us delay but we hope y'all didn't lose any interest in our story because things are getting interesting now. This chapter has some scenes which will play important parts in the future. So go ahead and enjoy this one... hopefully y'all will like it. <3

_“...As feelings arrange deep down inside_

_Try describing a love you can't design_

_More and more, every inch of me is holding on_

_This is it, all the flames are burning strong_

_We are bound to each other's hearts_

_Caught, torn and pulled apart…”_

**January 2007**

_Dean had the best Christmas and New Year’s he could possibly imagine. Cas came over joining Dean and his family for both occasions since he didn’t want to go to Canada with his family to spend the holidays. Cas told him how they always spent holidays in different cities and sometimes countries but he never had a stay-at-home Christmas before. So when Dean offered him to stay at his place for the vacation, Cas didn’t refuse. Of course, they kept their relationship hidden around their parents, not because they wouldn’t like it but because both Dean and Cas weren’t ready to reveal it. Sam’s massive annoying smirk almost gave it away during the Christmas dinner but at the last moment, Dean pinched him on the side to shut his big ass mouth. Cas was given the guest room which was very simplistic and cozy however, not wanting to stay from his boyfriend, he sneaked away to join Dean in his room every night, always making sure to lock his door behind him. Wrapping his arms around Dean as the big spoon, Cas cuddled with the other boy until they both fell into a deep peaceful sleep. Ecstatic, even though they never did anything crazy, Dean loved simply waking up to Cas’s tousled hair and his legs and arms all over the place and it was enough to place a smile on the Winchester boy’s face for the rest of the day._

_Two days after New Year’s Eve, one morning, Dean wakes up from sleep and opens his eyes, trying to adjust it to the sunlight coming in the room through the sliver of space between the window curtains. Turning his face to the right side he sees Cas laying on his stomach, snoring lightly. Cas’s arm is draped across his chest while the other one is under his dark brown hair covered head; his legs are tangled with Dean’s, with his chapped lips pressed on Dean’s t-shirt clad shoulder. At one point during the night, one of them probably kicked the blanket down to the one end of the bed._

_“Cas, wake up,” Dean says gently. He moves a small strand of hair away from Cas’s face. Cas makes an annoyed “hmph” noise before turning to lay on his back, his right hand hanging off the queen-sized bed._

_Dean rolls his eyes, moving himself a bit closer to Cas and places a small kiss on his lips._

_“Come on, lazy head. I promised to take you out today, remember? It’s nice and chilly outside and the sun is up too,” Dean says, watching Cas’s eyes flicker open slowly._

_“Five minutes more, Dean,” Cas grumbles, swatting at Dean’s face, not opening his eyes. Dean moves his face backward a little bit with a snort._

_“You know damn well those five minutes will turn into ten and then thirty. Casssss,” Dean whines. Cas moans and twists to the side so that his body is facing Dean. He opens his eyes reluctantly and very slowly, looking at Dean grumpily. Dean notices how much more intense the blue in Castiel’s eyes are in the morning and his heart flips when he remembers how this beautiful person laying on his bed is his now._

_“Today better be worth it,” Cas mumbles, unaware of the fact how Dean’s heart is bursting with love for him. He sounds annoyed but his eyes say otherwise because Dean knows when Cas is truly annoyed and when he’s faking it._

_“Honey, you know any day spent with yours truly is worth it,” Dean smirks, leaning in for another kiss, which turns from a peck to something more intense. Dean groans, pushing and pinning Cas to the bed with his body and tangling his limbs with Cas’s. There’s no space between them and it makes his head spin with delirium._

_Cas kisses him back, fully committing to it since now he’s fully wide awake, “Okay, okay, you made your point, Winchester. I’ll get ready and see you downstairs.” Cas rolls over letting go of Dean and gets up from the bed. His lips are swollen and his hair is messier than ever. Cas looks at Dean for a moment and chuckles a bit, shaking his head._

_“What?” Dean demands, laying back and looks at him with a goofy smile._

_“Nothing. I better go before we get caught.” Cas replies and walks out carefully to make sure he isn’t spotted leaving Dean’s room._

_They spend the day walking through the winter bazaar in town, trying to find comfortable sweaters for Dean who isn’t too fond of winter shopping. After an hour of exploring through clothes stalls, they find a stall with beautiful paintings on canvases. Dean watches Cas’s hands trace one of the big canvas admiring the painting- a painting of a woman carrying a small child on her arms. A small man wearing some kind of a robe, who seems to be in charge of the stall (if him standing behind the counter is any indication) smiles, stepping forward, “Do you paint?” He asks._

_Cas nods shyly with a small smile, “A little. I’m still learning.”_

_Dean huffs and rolls his eyes, “He’s being modest. He draws and paints and he’s brilliant.” Cas smiles fondly at Dean and squeezes the hand he’s holding as a ‘thank you’._

_“Have a good look, kid. If you find something you want, let me know,” the owner returns to whatever he was doing before Cas and Dean entered the stall._

_Cas moves a few steps further into the stall and stares at the painting of a man with big white wings, stained with blood, and a spear on his hand, his face tilted upwards. Cas tilts his head, studying the brushwork. “It’s beautiful,” Cas says reverently, his eyes filled with awe._

_Dean watches Cas watching the painting, “Sure, but you’re more beautiful.”_

_Cas smiles a cute smile but doesn’t say anything as his attention is still on the painting as if he’s drawn to it. He traces the canvas with his delicate fingers, almost like he’s trying to feel each brushstroke, and admires the ethereal colors._

_“It’s an angel,” Cas says after a moment._

_“You know usually I don’t believe in angels but how can I say that when one is standing right next to me?” Dean replies, eyes still fixated on Cas._

_Cas turns his head to face Dean, rolling his eyes but doesn’t do anything to hide his wide smile, “You’re such a flirt.” He walks out of the stall, pulling Dean with him by his hand._

_“Just telling it how it is,” Dean drawls. After checking out a few more stalls, they buy funnel cakes and two cans of soda. Finding a quiet place in a place like a bazaar is difficult but Dean and Cas find an empty spot nearby a clump of trees. Walking side by side, they reach the spot and lean on one of the tall dead trees with dead leaves lying on the ground surrounding it._

_Cas looks at Dean for a moment, his eyes brighter than usual, a stark contrast with the black beanie he’s wearing on his head. Dean stares back at him, wanting to ask what’s wrong when Cas speaks up, “You know I love you, right? I- I know it’s too early and everything is happening too quickly but I just wanted to tell you how I feel. You don’t have to say it back or anything...” The words spill out like he cannot stop himself. Dean’s heart almost jumps out of his chest at Cas’s words. Cas continues to stare at Dean with a stunned look on his face as if he can’t believe those words finally came out of his mouth. As if he never thought he would be in a position to say it out loud._

_“I love you too, angel,” Dean replies, shortly after his brain kicks back into action. He slides an arm around Cas’s waist, pulling him closer and kissing him on the lips softly once. Twice. Cas pulls away quickly with a soft look on his pretty face, resting his hands on Dean’s chest, feeling the warmth radiating from his hands even though there are layers of cloth between Cas’s hands and his skin. Dean is pretty much sure Cas can feel his heart racing inside his ribcage._

_“How about we get some lunch, eh?” Dean asks quietly, rubbing his hands on Cas’s arms, “Then we can go to that park and the cat cafe later in the afternoon?”_

_Cas’s eyes instantly lit up, “A cat cafe?” Dean chuckles lightly._

_“Yeah, but you gotta promise me you won’t steal one,” Dean knows Cas’s love for cats is as big as his love for Dean._

_“No promises,” Cas grins, intertwining their hands together as Dean pulls him back to the sidewalk and into the sea of people._

**October 2019**

The lights flicker one by one inside the houses on the streets as the sun sets in the horizon, painting the sky black, and the crowds of kids in extravagant Halloween costumes come out on the streets which fill the air with laughter and juvenile excitement. Earlier weather forecast claimed it's gonna be a cold night which, according to Castiel, is a blessing.

Castiel stomps down the stairs in his Viking costume, the brown heavy boots weighing him down along with the rest of the costume. Claire was very specific when she said she wanted to dress up as a father-daughter duo for Halloween. More specifically, the father-daughter duo from Brave- a movie she watched with Jack a couple of days ago. She demanded that her father wear the Viking hat with the two horns on either side, along with a fuzzy brown cape made out of fake black animal fur, a body armor he bought from amazon at the last moment, a fake plastic sword and an authentic-looking auburn color short beard that Cas hates because of how itchy it is, though he doesn’t complain because that’s what his daughter wants. Claire, on the other hand, prepared her bow and arrow with the help of her father and the dark turquoise gown with cream color design on the elbows to dress up as Merida. When Cas asked why Claire chose that specific character instead of any princess, Claire replied with, “Merida _is_ a princess, dad! She’s a warrior princess, she’s awesome!” Cas couldn’t argue with that logic and his heart swelled with pride for his daughter.

Claire hops down the stairs excitedly, her wig- voluminous curled red hair- which was secured with too many hairpins by Cas- bouncing as she lands on the final step. 

“Let’s go!” She squeals. Cas grins at her enthusiasm unable to hide his own anticipation and twists the door handle to open the front door. Claire rushes outside past him, quickly opening the passenger door of the car, which Cas took out of the garage and parked on the driveway while Claire was getting dressed, and sliding into it as Cas locks the doors. Carefully getting into the driver’s seat, Cas puts the big helmet on the backseat and starts the engine to drive them to the 136 Fire Department’s Halloween event. 

***

Dean rushes back and forth, preparing a table full of snacks and candies for the kids while trying to ignore Donna bellowing orders from upstairs. 

“How you doin’, brotha?” Benny asks in his usual cajun accent, patting Dean’s shoulder when he stops at the candy table. He’s dressed up as a pirate, a black sleeveless vest over a full sleeve white shirt tucked into a black tight pants and a black eye patch over his left eye and a dark brown battered sailor cap on top of his head. “Here’s the final bowl of candies. Just make sure the kids don’t finish it all or we’ll never hear the end of it from Captain. Not to mention the wrath of the parents.” Benny puts down the big bowl on the table carefully.

“Gotcha,” Dean replies, rolling his eyes since it’s not the first time he’s handing out candies to the kids, earning a low chuckle from his friend. He’s placing the bowls in an organized manner when the crowds of kids and parents rush in one by one, all in various wild costumes and impressive makeup, through the garage doors which have been opened fully for the evening. Dean sees Charlie- a very adorable Charlie in her Willy Wonka costume- making small talk with one of the parents from the school, moving her white gloves clad hands in wild gestures and smiling wide which seems too wide to be a not-so-forced smile. She sends him one of those “help me” looks that Dean just smirks at. Dean tugs on the jacket of his Han Solo costume, pulling the fake gun out of his holster. 

After a few minutes, Dean spots a familiar face, at the entrance of the garage. A well built scruffy looking man with dark black hair and a black jacket to match his fiery personality. 

“Dean!” The man calls out. 

Dean breaks into a happy smile and rushes over, “Lee! Man, what- what are you doing here?” 

“Came to see your sorry ass, of course. Hell of a party you’ve got going on here, man,” Lee grins as he pulls Dean into a tight hug which Dean returns with much eagerness.

Dean laughs, slapping a hand on Lee’s shoulder, “Thanks, and so good to see you, man. When did you return? How’s the trip?” 

Lee grins back, pulling Dean away to a side as more people walk through the garage doors. Dean’s eyes find a pair of familiar soft blue eyes in the crowd but the blue eyes don’t find him just yet. _Cas is here._

“Just returned yesterday and the trip was good. By the way, I heard you’ve been getting into trouble just like the good ol’ days,” Lee pulls Dean away from his stupor. 

“Wait, me? Heh, you know me- the trouble maker. Anyways, are you sticking around? Party’s just getting started,” Dean says, hands gesturing towards the crowd gradually forming inside the building. 

“Nah, I gotta head out. I have some important stuff to take care of, plus it’s Halloween. There will be a crowd in my place too, but I’ll see you around, old friend,” Lee smiles fondly. 

“Sure thing, man,” Dean hugs his friend again and watches him leave as quickly as he came. He spins around trying to find those blue eyes but they’re already lost in the crowd. 

**January 2007**

_Dean is checking his backpack for his notebook while walking to the school gym when he bumps his shoulder with someone. He stumbles and almost drops his things but a hand quickly grabs them and his arm. He looks up to see Lee- his friend with dark hair and blue eyes standing in front of him._

_“Sorry, bud. Didn’t see you,” Lee says with an embarrassed smile, showing his white teeth. He’s wearing a denim jacket over a brown t-shirt and khaki pants with a small black backpack thrown over his shoulder._

_“Don’t be sorry, it’s my fault. I wasn’t looking where I was going.” Dean replies, waving a hand,_

_“Whatcha got next?” Lee asks, throwing on the backpack over his left shoulder._

_“Physics.”_

_“Nice, I got calculus. It sucks. So...wanna go to the party Pax’s throwing this weekend?” Lee is one of the party friends aka the ones who always manage to get invited to parties somehow. As a matter of fact, Dean met Lee at one of the junior year parties. Lee helped him get rid of some girls who were too clingy or drunk...or both maybe, he doesn’t remember that night clearly since he had too many celebratory drinks, for the team’s win against the rival school. As a thank you, Dean helped him with a quiz test on U.S history. And the rest is history._

_“Nah… got plans,” Dean answers with a big smile. He and Cas have planned to go to the playground a few blocks away which has an awesome view that Cas wants to sketch and Dean just wanna be with his boyfriend. Just by thinking about Cas, his_ boyfriend _makes him feel giddy with happiness. The way Cas told him he loves him makes his heart soar and it never ceases to make him feel like he’s walking on cloud nine every time he thinks about it._

_“Oh okay. See you later then.” Lee’s voice brings Dean back from his daydream about Cas._

_“Yeah sure, man.” Dean holds his fist which Lee bumps, the black bead bracelets on his wrist rattling with motion._

_***_

_Sitting on the edge of his bed and hunched over a trashcan between his knees, Cas is sharpening a 4B sketch pencil with a sharp and shiny paper cutter, peeling the skin of the pencil with precise concentration when the door of his room bursts open with a loud_ bang. _He almost jumps out of his skin and narrowly skips cutting his finger with the blade on his hand. Whipping his head to the side, he glowers at the intruder standing at his door, “Jesus Christ, Gabe!”_

_Gabriel just shows his usual obnoxious smile and waltz into the room and lays down on the bed over the black covers with a flop._

_“So, baby bro, what are you doing here?”_

_“Umm… last time I checked, this is my home too.” Cas rolls his eyes._

_“Don’t sass me. I meant why are you home right now? I thought you would be all over your boy toy. Has the honeymoon phase over already?”_

_Cas stiffens. Turning his back to Gabe, he continues with his task, “A. He’s not my ‘boy toy’. B. And there’s no such thing as a honeymoon phase. And Dean has football practice till afternoon... Plus I got some school work pending.”_

_Cas isn’t lying but he still feels… defensive because he doesn’t want Gabe to know why he isn’t at Dean’s practice even though Dean asked him if he wanted to stay and watch him play. The thing is that Cas has seen how the other players look at him whenever he is with Dean. They already don’t like him being with Dean almost all the time. Now that they are officially together, Cas is afraid they might do something bad so he decided to stay a bit away from Dean during the practice hours, especially since they got a match later that week._

_Gabe pokes his back once, causing him to turn and glare at him._

_“You can share whatever is going on in that big head of yours.”_

_“Nothing is in my mind.” Cas dismisses, putting the freshly sharpened pencil inside a blue pencil bag where he keeps all his sketch tools._

_A moment of silence later, Gabe sighs and sits up. Hugging one of the grey color cushions on the bed, he turns to Cas. “Dad missed you during Christmas. We all did.”_

_Gabe and his dad returned from their small vacation a day ago- while Michael went back to his dorm-, bringing Cas a few gifts- a gold color silk tie from Michael and one ugly multicolor sweater along with a bright orange beanie from Gabe and a bag full of nothing from his father as usual, not that he expected something- which now is shoved inside his closet._

_“I know you missed me, maybe Michael did too. But father obviously didn’t miss me. So do not feel obliged to lie to me.” Cas clenches his jaw and stands up from the bed. Walking to his study table he starts to take the things out of his backpack._

_“I just want us to be happy, Castiel. As a family.” Gabriel only uses his actual name when he’s being serious. But it’s not something Cas can fix._

_“I wanna be happy too. But it’s hard to be so when the only parent you got doesn’t even think about you. Well.. who can blame him? After all, I’m the reason his wife left him.” Cas laughs bitterly, staring out the window above the table. Outside the world is just like how he’s feeling inside: gloomy, and a bit pale._

_“For fuck’s sake, it’s not your fault she left us. She’s a pathetic coward who didn’t want to take care of her fam-”_

_“Really? Then what about the letter she wrote before leaving?” Cas snaps, a twisted part of him feeling satisfied when he sees Gabe’s face turning pale. “You found it. When?”_

_“While I was packing up the books in the library of our previous home before coming to Lawrence.” The day Cas found out the letter, he had to lay down because he had a difficult time processing how his mother basically blamed him for her departure._

_“‘_ I didn’t want him. You wanted him. Now you keep him. I can’t look at him without remembering how I had to stay here even though I wanted to leave long ago. He was a mistake.’” _Cas recites the part of the letter he can never forget, watching with cold eyes as his older brother flinches and gets up from bed, running his hand over the golden blond locks of his shoulder-length hair._

_“You memorized it?”_

_“Read it enough times to get it imprinted in my mind.” Cas’s heart twists inside the ribcage as he recalls how he spent nights reading it instead of sleeping. How he shed tears for a person who wasn’t even present in his life. What kind of mother blames her own child for her shortcomings?_

_“Cas-”_

_“Just” Cas takes a deep breath because getting angry at Gabe won’t do shit. He just wants to forget about that woman and move on with his life. “Don’t.” He turns around to find his brother standing with his arms crossed across his chest and he does not look like he’s gonna end this conversation. Not finding a way to change the topic, Cas blurts out, “I told Dean I love him.” Gabe blinks once. Twice. Then starts laughing._

_“Holy shit. That’s fucking good. Did he say it back? Or did he pull a Han Solo and replied with good ol’ ‘I know’?” Gabe wiggles eyebrows which clearly means he’s already done with the conversation about their mother._

_Cas rolls his eyes and moves back to bed and sits down with his back against the headboard. “He said it back.” Despite the fact, he’s telling Gabe, he feels his ears turning warm with a blush._

_“That’s great because if he hadn’t said it back I’d have to have a chat with him...with my gun.”_

_“Stop being ridiculous. And the only gun you own is the water gun that you use to terrorize the people of our neighborhood and your dorm.”_

_Gabe makes a face but doesn’t disagree, “Whatever. Just tell me if you’re happy with him or not?”_

_“Why?” Cas tilts his head a bit._

_“You both are different from each other, you know that, right?”_

_Cas understands what Gabe is trying to say indirectly. Dean loves parties and crowds. Chaos and adrenaline rush are both Dean’s favorite while Cas loves the quiet and calm surroundings. Parties require talking to people and it makes him squirm just by thinking about it. However, he can’t help but be defensive. He looks away from Gabriel’s scrutinizing look. “I’m happy, Gabe. Don’t worry. He loves me.”_

**October 2019**

Carefully threading through the groups of children in costumes, Dean returns to his table from the washroom and resumes handing out candies to hyperactive children and smiling reassuringly at worried parents. He glances up to see a little girl with red curls running up to him. 

“Dean!” She squeals, bouncing on her tiptoes. 

Dean squints, taking a second to realize it’s Claire, “Claire! Your hair!” 

Claire laughs, pulling at her hair, “It’s awesome, right? I’m Merida from Brave!” 

“Well look at you! A little warrior princess, aren’t ya?” Dean grins, noticing Cas walking up to Claire in his incredulous Viking costume. Dean checks him out with raised eyebrows and laughs. “Hello there, Mr. Viking.”

“Hello yourself, Han Solo.” Dean rolls his eyes before huffing out a laugh. Cas stops beside his daughter, fixing his helmet and looking ridiculous, but in a good way.

“Claire, how in the world did you get your dad to wear that beard?” Dean asks, smirking. Cas gives him a silent death glare as he replies with “With great difficulty.” in a dry tone.

Dean laughs again, eyes crinkling as he did. He hands Claire some Kitkat bars and Snickers and a small red fire engine toy as a souvenir, noticing Cas smiling in the corner of his eyes as Claire takes the things with enthusiasm and instantly starts unwrapping one of the chocolates.

“That’s mine!” A kid in a Thor costume yells as he grabs the Spiderman toy from another boy. Cas pulls Claire away from the two boys before she gets caught in the crossfire, as Dean quickly moves to the boys, separating them. Charlie rushes forward, grabbing one boy by the shoulders firmly while Dean holds onto the other one. 

“Boys! No fighting! This is a party, come on,” Dean says sternly, “Is this yours?” He holds the Spiderman toy in his hands and looks at the boy in the Thor costume. 

The boy slouches his shoulders, shaking his head while pouting. 

“It’s mine,” the other boy wearing an Iron Man costume says instead. Dean returns the toy to the owner. 

“Now, what do we say when we hurt a friend?” Dean asks, maintaining steady eye contact with the other boy. 

“Sorry,” The boy mumbles. The other boy in the Iron Man costume crosses his arms as Charlie takes him away to find his parents. 

“You don’t steal, or take what doesn’t belong to you, understand lil’ man?” Dean asks gently. The boy looks down but he nods. His mother comes up, blabbering an endless stream of apologies as Dean explains the situation. Once all is settled down, he stands up fixing his clothes. 

“Why are boys so mean?” Claire asks, her brows scrunching.

Dean stares at Cas with a barely hidden grin, almost as if he’s asking for help with this one, so Cas sighs and replies, “Not all boys are mean, Claire. Just like not all people are good. The world is filled with a mix of people, good and bad, kind, and unkind.”

Claire nods, trying to understand. She sees some of her school friends in the corner laughing over something and she sprints away to find them, leaving Dean alone with Cas… again. 

“You’re good with kids,” Cas says, “It’s really great Claire likes you so much.” 

Dean huffs, “Oh come on, I’m not that bad, am I?” He stops himself, quickly realizing that the answer to that question is a very bold yes because after all, _he_ is the one who broke Cas’s heart. 

Cas just stares down soundlessly. 

“Hey- uh-” Dean panics, _way to go fuck everything up again, Winchester,_ his mind races, “Cas, let me get you a drink.” 

Cas nods slowly, following Dean to the drinks stand. Dean pours two cups of blueberry juice. 

“Here’s to a fun night,” Dean says like a complete dumbass. Cas smiles weakly, saying cheers and gulps down his drink. His eyes scan the room- the fire station in this case. 

“You okay?” Dean asks. 

“Yeah, just trying to find Claire. I just hope she doesn’t get lost,” Cas mumbles, his forefinger absentmindedly tapping on the side of his cup.

Dean spots Claire with her school friends pretending to use her bow, “There, see? She’s with her friends. She’s good, Cas.” Cas turns his face to look at where he's pointing with his chin.

Cas stares at Claire for a good few minutes, just watching his daughter interacting with people of her own age. Beginning to believe Dean, he relaxes, blowing air, feeling relieved. While Dean watches him, eyes roaming on his face, taking in the color of his eyes in the bright fluorescent lights and the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes.

“You know,” Dean starts, “You raised an amazing kid.” Cas’s face turns to him, blue eyes fixating on the green ones as Dean continues, “She’s incredible, brave, smart, kind. And it couldn’t have been easy, but- you know, I’m proud of you.” Dean doesn’t know why he is saying all this but he can’t stop the words spilling from his mouth. 

Cas smiles lightly, glancing down, “Thank you, Dean.” He says humbly. Dean catches Charlie’s eyes as she slides past the crowds of kids playing around with toys. 

“Man, some of these kids are _vicious_ ,” Charlie says as she approaches Dean, Benny a few steps behind her. 

Dean grins, “Tell me about it. Charlie, I want you to meet Cas. Cas, this adorable Willy Wonka is my best friend, Charlie. And this is Benny, my other colleague who is dumbass enough to be my friend.” 

Cas says a quiet hello and smiles, shaking Charlie and Benny’s hands one by one. Dean can see the glimmer of mischief and a chaotic plan already forming in Charlie’s mind while Benny stays quiet, looking at Cas with his usual intense look.

“Your name sounds familiar,” Benny drawls after a moment.

“Uh… he’s the man from the office fire back in September.” Dean replies, peeking a glance at Cas, who has a stoic look on his face which looks ridiculous with his fake beard.

“So,” Charlie speaks up, “Claire is your little one? She’s awesome.” 

Cas smiles again, “Thank you. She’s my whole world.” 

“I can imagine. Dean won’t shut up about her.” 

Dean widens his eyes, shaking his head out of Cas’s peripheral vision mouthing Charlie to “shut up” but Charlie’s grin just widens like a maniac meanwhile Benny frowns, eyes jumping back and forth between Dean and Charlie

“You know,” She continues to drag Dean into a grave, “Dean talks about you too. He’s very happy around you and admires you.” 

“OKAY,” Dean cuts in before Charlie finds a way to ruin his life even more, “How about you-” he grabs Charlie’s arm, “and I-” sends her a death glare, “go restock the candies and toys, eh? Be right back, Cas. Help yourself to whatever you want, and enjoy! You too Ben, enjoy yourself.” Dean smiles before dragging his best friend away from Cas and Benny, both looking bewildered. 

“You are _insufferable_ ,” Dean grumbles at Charlie, under his breath. 

“And you are a love-struck fool and I’m tired of it,” Charlie smirks, looking little too pleased with herself. 

Dean loosens his grip on her arm, “I know you mean well, Charlie, but I’m _just_ starting to get in Cas’s good books after the crap I pulled earlier and I don’t want you to go and ruin that. So _please_ don’t put your foot in your mouth.” 

Charlie sighs, “Fine. I won’t interfere. But lord help me, do something or I will lock you both in a closet together.” Dean narrows his eyes at her, trying to look threatening but he well knows how it’s ineffective on Charlie. 

“Also, I saw Lee going around. Did he leave already?” Charlie asks. Charlie first met Lee when Dean had taken her to one of his shindigs a few years ago and they hit it off pretty well.

“Yeah, said he had to go back,” Dean whispers as he scans the room, seeing Cas talking to Kelly Kline and her son Jack. Benny is probably somewhere, terrorizing the kids with his giant size.

Charlie eyes him. “What’s going with you? Did you and Lee have a fight or something?” 

“No, no. It’s just- he and Cas have some bad history. Cas is already worried about Claire, I don’t need him to know Lee is back too,” Dean stammers. Charlie continues to stare, curious out of her mind but she knows Dean’s not going to open up anymore today. She leaves him to get some more candies. 

***

Cas fixes his fake beard, feeling it scratch against his chin. He grimaces. The next Halloween, he will try to convince Claire to spare him. He can feel the sweat running down his back under the heavy costume, in spite of the place being air-conditioned. He feels his phone vibrate against his thigh, inside the hidden pocket of the pants. Cas takes it out and checks the screen. One voice message from the Functional Manager. Cas deliberates whether to check it out or not. He promised himself he wouldn’t even touch anything related to work on this day because it’s Claire’s day. However, this might be important. He’s still thinking when someone taps him on the shoulder. He looks to his side to see Charlie standing with hands behind her back. She is smiling cheerfully, teeth shining.

“Hey,” He greets her with a small smile.

“Hey, are you enjoying the party- or event. Whatever you call it. I call it an event because it’s so _not_ the type of ‘party’ I hang out at.” Charlie winks, earning a chuckle from Cas.

“Well, the only type of parties now I can attend are the kids’ parties.” 

“Oh my God. That’s not done, Castiel. We have to change it. Pronto. Well, not pronto, but soon. You have to go to parties otherwise you’ll miss all the fun us big kids have. Tell you what, the next time I get a party invitation, I’ll drag you with me, deal?”

“Deal but I’m not sure since I got too much work,” Cas says, eyes straying to the place where Dean and Claire are dumping all the leftover candies in a big plastic bag. Dean is holding the bag open while Claire picks fistful of candies from the table and shoves them into the bag, giggling. Dean smiles big, showing his white teeth, his face lighting up like the sky on the Fourth of July. 

“I feel like I’ve known Claire for a long time. You know why? Because Dean can’t stop talking about her. Dean has always loved kids but he clearly adores Claire in a special way. It’ll hurt him badly if something happens which might drive him away from her-” _But not more badly than it’ll hurt me,_ Cas thinks bitterly. It’s too late to make Dean stay away from them anyway. 

“- understand me? Dean’s like the big brother I never had so I won’t hesitate to do something not-so-legal to make him happy, capiche?” Charlie’s voice, her tone a bit serious, makes Cas look at her face. Instead of the cheerful smile, which Cas has come to associate with, a stern expression is adorning Charlie’s face. It might have made her look intimidating if she weren’t about half a foot shorter than him. Cas decides to keep it to himself and tells, “I know what you mean. I’ll try my best… to make sure Dean is okay around me.” _As if you’ll be okay,_ his inner voice reminds him.

“Good, good,” Charlie nods in agreement, “And Cas... “ Charlie hesitates a little, “Don’t break his heart. I know it’s not my business but I know Dean. I know he’s never cared about anyone the way he cares about you. Dean acts like he doesn’t care, but I know he’s a lot happier around you, it’s nauseating sometimes.” Cas smiles gently, blushing a light shade of maroon as Charlie continues, “I like you, Cas. I like Claire too. I think you two have a good impact on Dean.” 

Cas is left speechless, “Uh- I hope so. And thank you for what you said. I will try my best.” 

Charlie’s smile returns, brightening up her entire face, “I know you will, Cas. Come on, let me introduce you to some of our other friends!” Charlie drags Cas along, yanking his arm and hooking it into hers, as she passes a gaggle of children in various costumes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked this chapter don't forget to leave kudos and comment below if you wanna share any thoughts about our story :)


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling insecure in a new relationship doesn't feel right, does it?  
> In present times, it's no secret that Dean and Castiel have a lot to unpack and resolve but while they try to manoeuvre their way around their very heavy baggage, the little Novak daughter gets too eager to get to know Dean better. Will things bend to her wants? Or will it backfire?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYSSS!!! First of all, this chapter is a bit long-ish and secondly, it's an important chapter since things are starting to build up. Hope you are eager to know more about how the two dumbasses (Dean and Cas obviously) manage to get what they want. So buckle up and enjoy this chapter :)))

_“...My team is losing_

_Battered and bruising_

_I see the high fives_

_Between the bad guys_

_Leave with my head hung_

_You are the only one_

_Who seems to care_

_American stories_

_Burning before me_

_I'm feeling helpless_

_The damsels are depressed_

_Boys will be boys, then_

_Where are the wise men?_

_Darling, I'm scared…”_

**February 2007**

_Cas is about to enter through the door to their English classroom when he sees Dean with a blue-eyed boy, maybe a bit shorter than him, wearing a leather jacket and some old boots, he recalls him as Lee, a friend of Dean from the weekend parties Dean likes to attend. He’s laughing with Dean, sitting on Dean’s desk as Dean looks up at him. He knows Dean’s been hanging out more often with this boy, Lee, and they seem to be good friends. Cas is confident in his new and blossoming relationship with Dean but at moments like these, he feels irritated. He should be the one making Dean laugh like that._

_Cas walks into the classroom, Dean’s eyes shimmering when he sees Cas._

_“Hey, Cas. You know Lee,” Dean says._

_Cas nods curtly, “Hi Lee. Dean, you haven’t been replying to my messages.”_

_Dean bits his lips, “Oh shit, I forgot. Sorry, sweetheart.” Dean checks his messages and answers him but Cass's eyes don't move from the direction where Lee is going through Dean’s things as if that is normal. Cas wants to slap his hands away and tell him to back off but the rational side of him stopped him._ Don’t be a jealous insecure bitch, _a voice tells him which suspiciously sounds like Gabe’s voice so he shoves it off his mind, paying no heed to it. After keeping his backpack on his assigned seat beside Dean’s desk, Cas stands beside Dean, leaning his hips against Dean’s shoulder and crossing his arms across his chest._

_“Hey, Dean. How’s the practice going? Gonna kick that douchebag Zac’s ass or not?” Lee asks, kicking Dean on the shin while twisting one of Dean’s pens between his fingers._

_Dean rolls his eyes. “Just because he stole your Guy of the Night doesn’t mean I’ll have to take revenge instead of playing. Besides it’s not like you didn’t have any other option.” Dean winks, grinning widely. Cas’s eyes narrow. This is the first time he’s hearing about Lee’s ‘night conquests’ since he tends to steer clear from that type of topic._ _“Guy of the Night?” He questions, frowning._

_Dean turns to him and smiles sheepishly. Lee glances at him and clears his throat. “Uhh… I’m bi. Like Dean.” Dean holds his fist for Lee to bump with a snicker which is reciprocated. Cas raises his eyebrows but doesn’t say anything other than a nod._

_“As I was saying, you better win this match, man. I’ll be there to cheer you on.” Lee shakes imaginary pompoms with two hands, laughing with Dean. This doesn’t sit well with Cas so he blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind, “I’ll be there too.”_

_Dean faces him with wide eyes and a huge hopeful smile. “Really? You never attended the matches before.” It’s true. Cas has always declined whenever Dean asked him to go to his football match since he doesn’t go well with too much crowd and not being interested in football doesn’t help either._

_“Well, I’m your boyfriend now. So it’s my duty to cheer you, isn’t it?” Cas murmurs as he leans towards Dean’s face and gives him a slow but long kiss on the lips. Dean sighs before squeezing his hands which are now on his shoulders. Moving back, Cas sees Dean smiling shyly as the tips of his ears turn red. He peers at Lee who’s now talking to another person sitting nearby. The teacher walks through the door at that moment, making Cas move over to his desk._

_The day of the match arrives, along with the buzzing excitement and anticipation. The team cheerleaders give a last-minute touch up to their routine while the players do their best to stay calm and focused. Dean keeps quiet during the school hours, only speaking when someone asks him something. Cas assumes it’s the jitters about the match._

_During the lunch hour, Cas is sitting with Dean at their table in a corner of the room. Jo and Ash are sitting across the table, eating their lunch while bickering about something related to knives since Cas catches words like “knives”, “sharp more than your brain” and oddly enough “not as pretty as you’re”. Dean remains silent while taking small bits of his sandwich._

_“Dean? You okay?” Cas whispers, leaning towards him. Dean spares him a glance before looking down at his hands resting on the table. “Yeah. Just nervous about the match.” Cas has a feeling Dean’s lying but he chooses to ignore it. He rests his head on Dean’s shoulder, after laying a kiss on his cheek and wraps his hands around the arm. Heat radiates through the red and black flannel Dean is wearing and warms Cas inside out. Dean lays his head on top of his and sighs._

_“You two are so fucking gross. PDA much?” Jo says, apparently done with whatever she’s talking with Ash who’s now not-so-subtly eyeing a group of girls sitting a few tables away._

_Cas rolls his eyes while Dean pokes out his tongue as a response. “Seriously guys, watching you both pining over each other was a pain on the ass. But watching you being all" Jo makes a big circle in the air with her palm facing Dean and Cas, “grossly into each other is another ball game. I feel like one day we’re gonna hear the news how you both managed to elope together far away from this crappy town.” Cas blushes while Dean tsks, “Not before I get the Baby.” Cas sits straight and turns to Dean just to find Dean grinning and winks at him when he notices Cas staring at him. Cas’s heart skips a beat._

_“Hey, guys.” Cas looks up from Dean’s face to see Lee standing at the side of the table._

_Dean and his two other friends greet Lee while Cas just nods. Suddenly feeling a bit peachy, Cas shifts, unintentionally brushing his thigh with Dean’s, who doesn’t move away so he doesn’t either._

_“Uh Dean, can I talk to you for a moment?” Lee says, looking straight at Dean as if Cas isn’t inches away from him. Cas wonders if Lee is ignoring him or he’s always that much concentrated on a certain person._

_“Yeah sure,” Dean says. However, Lee doesn’t say anything. Instead, he’s staring at Dean with an unreadable expression, fidgeting with the bracelet he’s wearing on one wrist. Dean eyes Lee for a moment before getting up from his seat. Cas instantly misses his touch and the only thing he does is observe how Dean through a small smile at his direction before walking away with Lee. Twisting his neck a bit, Dean tells him and their friends that he’ll see them later and continues to move towards the door with Lee by his side._

_Just as the duo disappears through the door, Cas gets up as well. Throwing the leftover lunch into the trashcan, he keeps the tray on one of the empty tables and ignores the questioning looks Jo and Ash are throwing at his direction to get out of there._

_After 48 minutes of the intense and energetic game, Dean’s team wins the match, the last-minute touchdown by one of the wide receivers earning the winning six points. Being the home team, the winners earn screaming hurrah from the crowd of the audience seated on the bleachers while the cheerleading team does their dancing routine, shaking their pom-poms and doing acrobatics._

_From the bleachers, Cas watches as the players hug each other and yell happily at each other’s faces. He watches as Dean takes off his helmet and mouthguard, laughing when his teammate slaps on his back. Sweat is dripping down Dean’s face and his hair tousled from wearing the helmet._

_After Cas went away from the cafeteria, he didn’t look for Dean. Instead, he busied himself with his art assignment inside the empty art class. He stayed there long enough so he had only an hour before the starting of the match. So he went home and took a shower to get rid of the color he somehow managed to get on his body and changed into fresh clothes._

_Now he is sitting on the lower bleacher, a few seats away from Sam who came to the match a little late for some reason. Jo and Ash are sitting beside him, clapping hard and loud. Cas sees Dean looking at the bleachers, eyes roaming as if he’s searching for someone. Just as his eyes meet the blue ones of Cas, Dean breaks into a devastatingly beautiful smile. Breaking away from his team, he jogs towards Cas. Without thinking too much, Cas gets up from his seat and moves towards Dean, not stopping till he’s only a few inches away from his boyfriend._

_However, Dean seems to have another plan. He grabs Cas by his collar and pecks the corner of his mouth and pulls him close for a tight hug, grinning as he wraps his sweaty arms around Cas, sweat smell and dirt be damned._

_“I’m so happy you’re here,” Dean says grinning widely, with a small laugh as he pulls away slowly._

_“You played amazingly, Dean. Congrats on the win!” Cas replies, smiling to match Dean’s enthusiasm._

_“We won!” Dean repeats as if he still can’t believe it._

_“Yes, love. We won." Cas rests his forehead against Dean, loving the way Dean presses close to him, seeking comfort from him._

_“Can’t wait to celebrate with you at home,” Dean whispers, not letting go of Cas’s hands that he’s holding tight._

_“Me too. But others need you right now. Go to them. I’ll be right here waiting for you.” Cas whispers back, knowing in the end, it’s him Dean will return to because he loves_ him _. Not Someone whose name starts with L and ends with e._

_Dean nods excitedly, muttering a quick “thank you baby” before Dean’s team pulls him away from Cas, some of them teammates throwing poorly disguised dirty looks. Dean notices it and his shoulders get tense. This isn’t the first time his teammates threw looks at Cas. Even though they don’t have a problem with Cas being his boyfriend, they have a hard time accepting Cas since ‘artists’ and ‘players’ don’t go together well. Dean always ignores the jab and looks, reminding Cas their opinions doesn’t matter which is unnecessary as Cas doesn’t mind the negativity._

_Right now, he enjoys watching Dean celebrate his win with his teammates and friends, all of them cheering and jumping on each other’s backs, yelling and cheering like they just won the national championship. Sam sneaks up behind Cas grinning._

_“I didn’t think you were a fan,” Sam says as a way of greeting, causing Cas to turn around raising his eyebrows._

_“I’m not, but I wanted to support Dean,” Cas says, stepping back a little to stand beside Sam._

_“He’s so happy that you’re here. You’ve changed his entire world around, you know?” Sam murmurs softly. Cas blushed, feeling the heat rush to his cheeks in record time._

_“I think the feeling goes both the way.”But thanks nonetheless, Sam"_

_Sam and Cas stand side by side, watching Dean laughing and bouncing up and down energetically, eyes wrinkling as they always do when Dean is wearing his brightest smile._

**November 2019**

November rolls around unexpectedly fast when one is busy filing stacks of documents and doing ridiculous amounts of paperwork. Every day Castiel returns home, drained and completely exhausted, but he plasters on an encouraging smile for his daughter. Claire is thriving at school. A few days have passed since Halloween and her friends still talk about her incredible costume. Claire is not that popular kid, but everyone knows and respects her. She’s fierce and tough but compassionate and helpful towards everyone. The teachers adore her too, making Cass’s heart swell with pride.

One afternoon, Castiel arrives at home, unlocking the front door and sees a small card peeking from under the door. Claire, who hops along behind Cas, pulls it out and squeals. Cas almost drops his keys. 

“What is it?” Cas asks. 

“It’s from Dean!” Claire squeals again. She shows her father the card. It’s a cute handmade card that says “I hippopota- _miss_ you” with a cute hand-drawn animated hippopotamus sleeping on a sofa. Cas can’t help but smile. Claire opens the card which reads “Hi little Novak princess. I miss you. I hope you’re doing good in school. Your favorite firefighter, Dean.” Claire laughs as she reads the message written in Dean’s handwriting. 

“That’s very cute,” Cas admits, heart warmed. He enters the house, Claire trailing behind him, the card grasped tightly in her fist. They enter their home, removing their dirtied shoes at the entrance.

“It is!! Oh, dad? Can we invite him over for dinner tomorrow?” Claire asks, “It’s been a week since Halloween, I miss him too, dad.” 

Cas sighs, “I’ll think about it, sweet pea. You need to finish your English project first or I will be in so much trouble with Miss Garcia.” 

Claire nods, “I’ll finish it tonight!” and Claire rushes up the stairs and to her room to shower and change, but not before thrusting the handmade card in Castiel’s tired hands. Cas glances at the card again before walking towards the couch.

 _Just can’t stay away, can you, Dean?_ Cas thinks smiling softly which turns bitter as he remembers that he can’t stay either. Standing beside the coffee table, he removes his tie first and places the card down on the table, deciding to get refreshed before thinking about what his daughter said. Cas walks up to his room, stripping down and entering the bathroom to take a very long hot shower. He rubs away his worries and anxieties and focuses on the positive things in life. Speaking to Charlie during Halloween made Cas feel so much better, knowing that Dean’s intentions for his daughter are purely good. Maybe he should give this a try. Even if he and Dean can’t patch things up exactly, Claire has already gotten so attached to Dean, it would be cruel to pull her away from him now. Cas steps out of the shower, drying himself with his towel and pulls on his T-shirt and sweatpants. 

He rubs his hair with his towel, trying to dry it off as much as possible and reaches for his phone on his bedside table. 

He pulls up Dean’s message thread. 

_ <<Hey, Claire wants to invite you over for dinner tomorrow. Are you free? _

Only a few quick seconds later, he receives a reply. 

_ >>I should be. What time? Oh, did she get my card? _

Cas bits his lip, smiling a bit. 

_< < Yes she got your card, and she loves it. It’s cute. Tomorrow at 7 pm work for you? _

_> > Yeap. See ya both tomorrow :) _

_Well, Claire will be thrilled_ , Cas muses as he gets out of his room in search of his daughter.

The next day passes by in a flash. Before Cas knows it, he is already in the kitchen, making sizzling chicken with onions, red bell peppers, and sauce alongside some steamed rice, a Greek salad, and chickpeas with gravy Indian style the way he likes it and hopes Dean likes it too. He set up the table, leaving the food in the kitchen for now. Claire lands on the last step of the stairs with a massive thump, wearing her denim dungaree with a white long-sleeved shirt under it. Claire’s long hair was tied up into a ponytail with a rainbow color scrunchie. Cas fixed his own black sweater over his beige color pants. 

“You look beautiful, Claire bear,” Cas says. 

“Thanks, papa bear!” Claire replies beaming. 

The doorbell chimes painfully loudly as Cas walks over to answer it. Dean stands in front of the door, with a plate of what looks like a caramel pudding, a Saran Wrap covering it. He’s wearing a black AC/DC T-shirt under a dark blue overshirt with black jeans and dark brown combat boots. His chestnut hair is styled with gel. He looks too beautiful for his own good.

“Heya Cas,” Dean says, checking out Cas up and down. Cas pretends not to notice. 

“Hello, Dean. Please, come in.” 

Dean enters Castiel’s home, offering him the plate, “Made you some caramel pudding. I’m not much of a cook but you know how much I love to make desserts.” 

Cas nods remembering the time Dean almost burned his kitchen down trying to make lasagna, “Don’t I… and thank you, you didn’t have to get anything.”

“Of course I-” Dean stops as he sees Claire, “Hi Claire! How’s my favorite Novak? Oh, don’t you look beautiful!” Dean picks Claire up in one swift movement, smiling widely. Cas quickly puts away the pudding and returns to find Dean, kneeling and laughing with Claire. Dean glances up as Cas walks back in. 

“Claire tells me you cooked dinner?” Dean asks, standing upright. 

“Well, I tried.” 

“Bet it’s amazing. Your dad has always been a better chef than me,” Dean tells Claire casually. Cas’s eyes go wide in panic as he recalls Claire still doesn’t know his relationship with Dean in the past. Dean coughs awkwardly, telling Claire to go take a seat as he helps Cas bring out the food. 

“Sorry, I didn’t-” Dean says quickly. 

Cas shakes him off, “It’s okay.” Dean notices the way Cas moves away from him quickly and knows it is _definitely_ not okay. They set out the table and pass the food around, eating, and making small conversation. Claire is very excited to tell Dean about her English project about this book they are reading in class now. Dean listens intently, nodding, and asking questions about the book.

After a while, Dean notices how pristine Cas’s house is. There’s no mess nor any dust on anything. He wonders how Cas keeps it neat with his work and Claire’s needs. “A cleaner comes every Friday and does the work,” Cas says which makes Dean snap his face to look at him. Cas is staring at him with a brittle smile. Dean’s ears turn red and heat crawls up to his throat, feeling awkward for ogling at his surroundings. 

The conversation moves along and silence fills the table when Claire asks, “How do you know my dad?” 

Dean inhales sharply, making quick eye contact with Cas. 

“Remember I told you Dean and I were friends?” Claire nods quickly and Cas continues, “Yes, we were classmates in high school but then we… fell out of touch as we grew up.” 

Dean nods in response even though that wasn’t the full truth. Claire seems to notice this too. 

“Like best friends?” She pushes further. 

“Sure,” Dean replies, careful not to say too much, poking at his food with a fork. 

Claire squints like she’s trying to see something in the room but it’s not clear enough, “So… if you were best friends, why did you hurt my dad?” 

***

That is part when Cas’s cutlery drops to the plate with a loud cling. Dean goes perfectly still, fully aware that Cas is watching him. 

“I- uh-” Dean stammers.

“Claire, baby. Why would you say that?” Cas asks, his voice shaking a bit.

Dean knows Cas is gonna lose his shit soon but he can’t lie to Claire, “I made a mistake. I thought it would be better if your dad and I got some space. You know, sometimes people need space to figure things out, even best friends. But I was fu- freaking wrong.” Dean finishes and stares at Cas. 

Claire tilts her head, “So you regret leaving him?” 

Cas hasn’t moved one bit. 

“Absolutely.” Dean croaks out. 

Cas stares at Dean like he’s trying to figure him out but then he whips his face the other way, his hands clasping the knife hard enough that Dean is scared it might leave a dent on his palm.

Dean coughs and breaks the silence, “But I’m glad I found him again.” 

“Yeah, so you can do it right this time around,” Claire says like it's the most simple thing in the world, smiling big unaware of the heavy tension in the room. 

“Exactly, Claire. You’re one smart girl, you know that?” Dean says light-heartedly. 

“I learned from the best,” Claire smirks, turning to see her dad trying to get his shit together. Agreeing, Dean laughs gently even though his insides are squirming, his gut yelling at him to talk to Cas before something else happens.

Cas goes quiet for a while, returning to his eating. Dean continues to chat with Claire who, he thinks, feels like she’s on top of the world because she finally figured out what’s up with Dean and her father. _But little does she know that was only the tip of a very large and dangerous iceberg,_ a voice inside his head warns Dean, which he ignores for the sake of his heart.

They finish dinner and Cas hastily retreats to clean up the dishes. Seizing the chance, Dean, of course, follows behind.

“Cas, listen, about what happened, I didn’t know she would bring that up and I- just I panicked and-” Dean blabbers on as Cas begins to clean the plates opening the tap. 

“Dean,” Cas interrupts, “I understand. And really, it’s okay. Just… forget about it.” 

Dean sighs, leaning against the counter, “Cas, come on. I can’t just… forget about it. I meant what I said. I want to do it right this time around.” 

The plates clatter as Cas puts down them in the sink and washes his hands quickly and turns off the tap. 

“There’s no _this time around_ , Dean,” Cas says, his tone so soft Dean’s heart twists, “I can’t- can’t do that again.” 

Dean’s face falls, “Yeah, okay, I get it. I’m sorry. I wanted tonight to be fun and enjoyable. I’m sorry I brought this all on you again. I’ll- I’ll get going now.” 

Cas sighs as if he’s realising he is being too harsh again, “Dean, wait.” Dean stops but doesn’t turn around, not wanting to look at Cas in case this is the last time he'd be near him again, “I didn’t mean for that to come out so harsh and cold. I hope... we can be friends.” 

The words soothe Dean, his shoulders sagging, and he turns around, as his smile returns, “Oh, I don’t know, Cas, I’m kind of a pain in the ass.” Dean smirks, shifting his weight from one foot to another. 

Cas curls his lips a little, “Yes you are. But I can tolerate you. I did 10 years ago.”

“Yeah... but you _might_ regret saying that, blue eyes” Dean responds, wiggling his eyebrows. Cas rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling, the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes bunching.

Claire rushes into the room, ignoring Cas’s order about not running inside the house. Claire wraps her arms around Dean’s lower torso, hugging him tightly. Dean wraps his arms around Claire, lowering his head to rest his chin on top of her head.

“Thank you for coming today,” Claire says quietly. 

“Of course, Claire bear,” Dean says smiling. Claire’s eyes widen at the nickname. 

“That’s what my dad calls me!!” Claire looks between Dean and Cas with big eyes.

Dean laughs, “Well, it rhymes! I’ll see you around, Claire.” Dean pulls away and opens his arms out for Cas even though he’s not sure Cas would want a hug after the emotional flashbacks they experienced. But like a fucking magnet, Cas steps forward, letting Dean wrap his arms around him slowly. Cas hugs back, burying his face in Dean’s shoulder. Dean buried his nose on Cas’s shoulder, taking in his scent: a hint of cologne with his usual musk, which reminds him of the days he’d spent in his arms back when everything was normal and young. Cas had always loved Dean’s hugs; it was the one place he felt safe and loved is what he used to tell Dean. 

“I’ll see you around too, I hope.” Dean smiles as he forces himself to break the hug, arms already aching to wrap around Cas.

“Drive home safe, Dean,” Cas replies softly. 

“Will do, blue eyes,” Dean says casually again, forgetting that _blue eyes_ is not a nickname he has the luxury of using every day. Dean waves goodbye and goodnight as he leaves. 

***

Hours later, Cas is awake, opting to finish his office work instead of trying to sleep because he knows it will be an unfruitful attempt. The window is open, as the cold November wind flows into the room, making the white curtain rustle, and the stars are shimmering in the black night sky. Sitting against the headboard of his bed, he’s checking all the unread emails in his laptop, which is resting on his lap, when he finds an email with ‘IMPORTANT’ as its subject from his big brother Michael. Curious, he clicks on it and reads the email. Turns out, it’s about a charity gala which Cas will have to attend with a plus one as it’d be a good look for the company. Frowning, Cas checks the time. Michael lives in DC just like Cas and Claire did before moving to Lawrence which means Michael is only one hour ahead. Without thinking too much, he calls Michael, holding the phone with one hand while he uses the other to continue to work on the laptop. It takes a few seconds before Michael answers the call.

 _“Hello, Castiel.”_ Michael’s voice sounds a little rough, probably because he’s already asleep before Cas’s call. Cas hears a muffled female voice, seems like Michael’s wife woke up too.

 _“_ Hi, sorry to disturb you but I wanted to ask you about the charity gala.”

 _“Well, this could have waited till the morning but since you’ve already called, go ahead.”_ There are ruffling sound and a quiet sound of the door closing. 

“I checked the email you sent me. About charity. Why should I get a plus one? Is it really necessary? I mean, the charity is for the public safety division, it’s not like anyone would notice why a businessman is there all alone.” Cas asks.

_“Look Castiel, we need all the positive impressions we can make in public, it’s for the benefit of the company. Having a plus one will look good. I know you don’t usually take anyone with you in events but this time you’ll be there only to represent the company, the Novak family. I won’t be there. Also, I thought it might be useful if you take a break from being a father- don’t interrupt me. I know being a father isn’t a job you can take a break from. But you need to live your life too. You aren’t that old yet. Okay?”_

Cas stays silent for a moment before huffing a small burst of laughter.

“You know, a friend of mine said the same thing about me not enjoying my life enough,” Cas tells Michael, recalling what Charlie said at the Halloween party.

 _“Well, that friend of yours sounds about right,”_ Michael says, sighing. 

“I don’t think I can take anyone as my plus one, Michael,” Cas murmurs after a pause. There are two reasons why. First of all, the one his heart thinks about is too far even though he’s in the same city. Secondly, he doesn’t know anyone else close enough to go with him. “I’m gonna take Claire with me. Before you object, lemme tell you, people love single dads with a cute little girl more than a man with arm candy.” Cas says, grimacing when his mind reminds him all the time women at Claire’s school ogle at him when he goes to pick up his daughter.

Michael’s low laughter fills the speaker of the phone. _“You sound like you have experience with the ‘people love single dad with a daughter’ thing.”_

Cas rolls his eyes, shutting down his laptop and keeping it on the side table, before sliding down the bed and resting his head on his sleeping pillow. He pulls the cover over his body, feeling the soothing warmth of it.

“Unfortunately yes. Anyways, it’s decided then. I’ll take Claire with me. I hope she likes it there.” 

_“Sure. Anyways, can you tell me why on earth were you checking your emails in the middle of the night instead of sleeping?”_ Cas winces at Michael’s stern tone. Looks like Michael is in the big brother mode now. 

“I- I couldn’t sleep so…” Cas feels stupid for waking up his brother because now he’ll probably think Cas is going through something, which might or might not be wrong. But it’s none of anyone’s business.

 _“Gabe told me you still smoke. You know that’s harmful to you.”_ Michael chastises

“Gabe shouldn’t tattletale. That’s harmful to him, you know.” Cas retorts, rolling his eyes.

 _“You two are still like kids. I’ll talk to you later. When it’s not_ in the middle of the night _when all the normal people sleep.”_

Cas grumbles and says goodnight to his brother before ending the call. Feeling irritated at the way Gabriel told Michael about his stress smoking habit which he clearly has a problem with. 

Blaming his sleep deprivation for it, Cas opens the chat with Gabe and sends a ‘fuck you’ to him and turns off the phone before closing his eyes, thinking about what Dean said earlier about them being friends again.


	15. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Same song, same dance years apart... both the time bringing two souls closer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYYYY!!! How are y'all? We are... NOT FINE since we saw the trailer. The amount of time we spent crying isn't funny anymore... We just hope everyone gets the ending they deserve *fingers crossed*  
> Back to our fic... this isn't a long chapter or short..just medium size we guess. And the songs we used are on the playlist of the fic so we recommend listening to it while reading the chapter and in case Spotify isn't available in your country here's the link to youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXG3Tg35jfI  
> Enjoy this chapter and let us know how you feel about it and forget to leave kudos <3

_“...I've tried to hide it so that no one knows_

_But I guess it shows_

_When you look into my eyes_

_What you did and where you're comin' from_

_I don't care, as long as you love me, baby…”_

**February 2007**

_The sunlight pours into the classroom as the students settle in, sliding behind their desks. Castiel sits behind his table, head buried in another book. Dean props down on Cas’s table, ass slamming on the wooden surface._

_“Cas. Cas. Cas,” Dean pesters Cas as he wiggles his ass on Castiel’s desk._

_Cas rolls his eyes, trying to push Dean’s ass off, “Yes, I heard you the first time.”_

_“So, you know I got that gorgeous Chevy ‘67 Impala for my birthday, right?” Dean asks._

_“Yeah, I’ve heard. I’ve_ ridden _in it. Still, you wouldn’t shut up about it.”_

_Dean pouts before he smirks, lowering his head down to Cas’s eye level, “I wanna take you for a ride. You down for some fun tonight?” Dean winks. This causes Cas to laugh, crinkling his eyes._

_“Sure thing. Right after school or are you picking me up?” Cas asks._

_“I’ll pick you up around six? I wanna go back and shower first,” Dean grins. Cas nods, returning to his book._

_“Love you,” Dean whispers as he kisses Cas’s cheek softly before returning to his own seat as the teacher storms in with her bag and books._

_Cas sits in the passenger seat of Dean’s beautiful impala that Dean named 'Baby'. Cas’s only argument was “but I thought_ I _was your baby?” to which Dean howled with laughter and replied with, “You’re both my babies, happy?”_

_Dean takes them up to the hill just outside of town. Dean let his 90s music play out gently from the car as they step out, shivering as the cool breeze smacks their skin viciously. The view from the hill is unlike any other. Dean wraps his impressive arms around Cas from behind and whispers into his ear, “Beautiful, isn’t it?”_

_“Mhmm,” Cas replies, leaning back into Dean’s chest. They can see the entire city from the hill, tiny lights, and cars buzzing up and down the roads, parents trying to get home after work. Dean leans forward, nibbling on Cas’s ear gently. Cas just sighs, enjoying each touch. The music switches to As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys. Dean isn’t a fan of boy bands but this song holds a special place in his heart as it is the song which was blasting out the speakers when he saw Cas for the first time at Jo’s house, looking all cute and flustered and sexy, all at the same time. Dean turns Cas around slowly so that Cas is facing him, interlocking their hands together. Cas grins as Dean begins to sway to the music, humming along gently._

_“_ _I can't get you out of my head. Don't care what is written in your history. As long as you're here with me…”_ _Dean sings in a low gentle tone. Cas buries his face in Dean’s shoulder, bringing his arms up and around Dean’s neck. Dean holds his lover by the waist, bringing him closer._

_The moon shines above them, bright and eager to watch over the couple gently holding each other. The stars shimmer enthusiastically too, some hidden behind the sheets of clouds._

_After a few long minutes, Cas pulls away but only enough to lift his head up and smile at Dean._

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you back, blue eyes.”_

_Dean bends a little to kiss Cas softly, lips brushing against each other eagerly and tenderly. Cas’s smile deepens as Dean kisses him harder. Dean pulls away first, kissing Cas’s cheek as he brings his eyes up to meet Cas’s shimmering blue ones, the nightlife lights reflecting in them, giving them extra glow._

_“I don’t think you know what I would do for you,” Dean says, sneaking his hand expertly to Cas’s back._

_Cas smirks, “Hmm… do tell.”_

_“I would cross all the oceans for you, I would burn this world for you,” Dean starts._

_“You’ve already almost burnt down my kitchen so that’s very plausible, Dean,” Cas chuckles, implying how once Dean tried to make him a rhubarb pie and failed miserably, almost burning down the kitchen._

_Dean huffs smiling, “Shut up, gorgeous. Let me tell you how much I love you.” When Cas doesn’t reply with a snarky comment, Dean continues, “I love every single part of you, Castiel. That stupid smirk, that cute head tilt thing you do, your heart, your creativity, your smile, even the birthmarks in places only I know.” Cas’s cheeks turn a deep shade of magenta as Dean continues, “You are my everything. I need you to know that.”_

_Cas’s smile is so beautiful and big that Dean was so sure it could melt the world. Cas kisses Dean again, this time a little more feverishly as if Dean is his only source of air. Hands over hands, skin on skin, Dean hauls Cas along with him as he fiddles and finds the doors to the backseat of the Impala. Dean pushes the door handle down with all his might as he slowly lowers Cas into the seat. Cas reaches forward as if he’s already magnetized to Dean, locking their lips hungrily together again. Dean laughs gently as Cas fails to remove Dean’s shirt._

_“You’re such a mess,” Dean giggles into the kiss._

_“Shut up and help me,” Cas grumbles back. Dean laughs a bit more before he removes his shirt as well as Cas’s in record time._

_“Wait, do you want this?” Dean asks, breaking the kiss and breathing heavily. What if Cas hesitates and says no?_

_Cas sighs, cupping Dean’s face in his hands, “Of course. You?”_

_“Absolutely.”_

_Dean reaches and shuts the door close fully as the music drones on as Led Zeppelin’s ‘When The Levee Breaks’ starts playing. He bends and leaves a trail of kisses on Cas's neck, finally bridging that small gap between him and his lover._

**November 2019**

Navy blue three-piece suit with a crisp white shirt and a blue tie with tiny white flowers imprinted on it, along with shiny brown leather shoes. Cas looks at himself in the full-length mirror in his closet. He’s ready for the charity gala, except for his hair. His stubborn messy hair. Huffing he runs hands over his head, brushing the locks with his fingers. It now looks somewhat better and neat. He puts cologne on the side of his neck and runs his hands over the suit, feeling the smoothness of the fabric. The previous day he took Claire shopping for the gala, who insisted him to wear a matching color outfit with her. And that’s how he ended up with this custom made suit. 

Pocketing his phone and wallet, Cas walks out of his room and to Claire’s room. His daughter is trying to pull the zipper at the back of her dress but her small hands can’t reach that far. He moves behind her and crouches down. 

“Lemme do it, baby.” Cas moves the long, shiny blonde hair to a side and pulls the tiny zipper up, securing the hook at the top of the zipper. He rotates his daughter and looks at her. His little daughter looks so beautiful in the dress, his heart feels heavy with bubbling emotions. The dress is navy blue in color and ‘tea length’ with a ‘sweetheart’ neckline and white lace ‘sleeveless bodice’ which goes down to the waist, along with a satin dark blue belt wrapped around the waist. This was the exact description of the dress the staff at the dress shop told Cas when Claire chose it. Cas just nodded and pretended to understand what she meant by all the descriptions. He was too busy watching Claire squeal over the dress.

“How do I look, dad?” Claire asks, grinning, bouncing on her tiptoes, feet clad in dark blue ballet flats with big bows on top.

“Absolutely like a princess,” Cas replies, kissing her cheek. He fixes the white lace headband on Claire’s hair, fingering the wayward hair to its proper place. 

“You look like a king then, because you’re my dad,” Claire giggles, gripping Cas’s hands, the contrast between his huge tanned hand and her small pale hand jarring.

Cas nods, smiling softly. He stands up, inwardly groaning at the stretch on his muscles.

“Let’s go now or else we’re gonna be late.” Cas takes his daughter’s hand and walks out the door.

***

Baby stops outside the huge building and Dean peeks out the window to look at the entrance of the party, where people are moving about, some are entering through the large decorated double door while others are lingering and talking to each other. He turns to face the passenger seat where Donna is sitting, smiling widely and looking gorgeous in a grey color strapless evening gown. Her honey-blonde hair is twisted in some kind of complicated updo with some strands loose on either side of her face which is makeup-free except the eyeliner and a nude lip gloss. 

“You sure I have to go inside? I mean, I can go to some bar nearby and wait till the party ends then I can come and drop you off at your home.” Dean offers even though he knows it’s a futile attempt. Donna asked him to attend a charity gala she’s invited to as her plus one. He didn’t want to go at first but then Donna pulled out the big guns and made a deal with him that she would bring him donuts for the rest of the month if he accepted the invitation. It was a no brainer to accept the offer after that. And that’s how he ended up sitting inside his Baby with Donna, wearing a suit and fancy shoes. 

Donna shakes her head and fixes the loose strands of hair on her head, “You can’t back out now, Dean-o. Now be a gentleman and open the door for me, okay?”

Dean rolls his eyes and gets out of the car. He fixes the suit and the sleeve cuffs and walks around the impala to open the passenger door. He holds out a hand to Donna and helps her out of the car. Donna wraps one hand around his elbow and together they walk up the steps and towards the entrance.

Inside the hall, people are bustling around, mingling among each other, and drinking glasses of expensive champagne. At a corner, a small podium is standing behind which there’s a large projection screen, while on the other corner a live band is performing some soulful songs. A woman in a black elegant looking gown comes to greet Dean and Donna with a polite smile- informing that her name is Lauren Ashby- and tells them to enjoy the evening before shuffling away to other guests.

Few minutes in, Donna notices a couple of her acquaintances and moves away to talk with them while Dean takes a glass of champagne and moves to a corner, alone, feeling very out of place. Standing beside a marble pillar, he takes a small sip from the glass, making a face at the fuzzy taste of the champagne. 

His eyes are roaming around when he catches a glimpse of an achingly familiar face and does a double-take. Either he has started to hallucinate or he’s actually seeing Cas standing merely a few feet away from him, talking with a man in a black tux. Dean watches them carefully, trying to figure out who this mysterious man is. He’s a few years older than Cas… is he Cas’s boss or someone else? As far as he knows, Cas is the main man at his office. Dean notices the little nuances in Cas’s behavior- the way he is standing straight, head held high, feet together, head tilted a little to one side as he listens intently to whatever the man is saying to him. Dean sips his champagne slowly. The older man pats Cas on the back, smiling a little. The smile looks odd like it’s out of place. Dean notices again the way Cas forces a smile out, nodding once. The man leaves and Cas’s shoulders droop as if he has been carrying a weight on his shoulders. He runs a hand across his hair, messing it a bit.

Dean takes this opportunity to stroll up to Cas, glass still in his hand. 

“Hey, blue eyes,” Dean says gently, trying not to freak Cas out. Cas still jumps. He clutches his heart and spins on his heels. 

“What the- Dean? What are you- are you stalking me now or something?” Cas asks, looking extremely baffled. 

“Nope. Just a coincidence you’re here too. Donna had to come to this event and dragged me along as her plus one. You?” Dean asks, unable to take his eyes off Cas. Dean does a once over, raking his eyes up and down as Cas nervously tugs at his collar. The suit he’s wearing seems to fit him impeccably. 

“Uh- my brother, Michael, wanted me to come to this to represent the company.” Cas sure doesn’t look thrilled about it, if his dry tone and the rigid shoulders are any indications.

“So, who’s your plus one?” Dean questions, the curiosity about knowing who Cas chose as his plus one overtaking his thoughts. 

A soft smile appears on Cas’s face, making Dean’s mind go to places he doesn’t want. Cas juts his chin in one direction a little left to them, “Her.”

Bracing himself to face some hot woman with a shiny hair and beautiful outfit, Dean turns his face to the direction Cas has just pointed. The moment he sees whom Cas has brought, he almost lets out a burst of relieved laughter but stops himself at the last moment. Instead, he watches Claire, in a pretty dark blue and white dress, talking to someone on the phone, her face smiling as she looks at the phone screen, legs swinging as they hang from the chair that she’s perched on.

Dean looks back at Cas and frowns, “Wait, you brought your daughter to this event? Is it even age-appropriate?” Dean whips his head around, glancing back at Claire. 

“Yes and yes, I brought her along, it’s all good. I FaceTimed Gabe, and now she’s busy talking to him while I meet some of the guests,” Cas replies. 

“Was that your boss? The one talking to you just now?” Dean changes the topic. 

Cas bites his lips, looking a bit uncomfortable, “Sort of… he’s one of Michael’s friends, a superior if you will. He’s a bit of a dick, to be honest.” Dean nods along, now understanding why Cas was so tense early. 

“Well, how about a drink to calm your nerves?” Dean grabs another champagne as a waiter passes by them, offering it to Cas who just mutters a small thank you and almost, _almost_ , chugs down the drink in one go. 

“We match,” Cas blurts out a few moments later. Dean looks down at his own suit and laughs out loud. Sure enough, Dean is also wearing the exact color suit Cas is wearing. The only difference is Dean’s outfit is missing the vest and his shirt is light blue with the tie a darker shade with tiny white dots.

“Well almost, but close enough. Didn’t expect it though, huh.” Dean says, smirking, trying his best not to crack another laugh. A photographer, carrying a big DSLR camera, stands nearby them at that moment and asks them if he can take a photo of them. Cas looks at Dean with a questioning look to which Dean replies with a shrug. Shifting closer to Cas, Dean poses with one hand inside his pant pocket, while he presses the other to the small of Cas’s back, feeling him twitch a bit. Cas angles a little towards him with both of his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his pants. They both smile a little, as the flash goes off several times in sync with the _click-click_ of the camera.

The cameraman smiles going, “You both look cute together. Thanks, guys!” Dean can see Cas blushing lightly from his peripheral vision, but he pretends not to notice it since he knows it’d make Cas uncomfortable. Dean thanks him and turns his body to face Cas once more, who’s gulping down the rest of champagne from the glass hurriedly. 

***

“Come on, let’s check up on Claire,” Cas says after he’s finished his drink, trying to shake off his nerves that come with just being in Dean’s close vicinity. They leave the glasses on a tray, and Dean follows Cas. As they approach, Claire’s head snaps up, an enthusiastic smile spreading across her face. 

“Dean!” She jumps off her chair, rushing towards Dean who bends down to Claire’s height. As the little girl wraps her arms around Dean, Cas snatches his phone off his daughter’s hand, saying a quick thank you to Gabriel and hanging up, knowing very well his brother has already heard Claire calling Dean’s name out- Cas decides he would deal with Gabe’s wrath later about this. Dean slowly rubs Claire’s back before wrapping her small body with his arms, hugging her tight.

“You look beautiful, Claire. Did you realize that your father and I are matching today?” Dean chuckles, glancing up at Cas. 

Claire gasps excitedly, “Woah! Yes and that means you’re matching with me too!” Claire chirps, pointing at her own dress. “We’re like a big family!” 

Cas stuffs his hands in his pocket, his heart feeling a little too heavy.

“Sure thing, Claire bear,” Dean continues effortlessly. He stands up, Claire having a tight grasp of Dean’s pinky finger, refusing to let go.

“Stop hogging my daughter, Dean,” Cas jokes, trying to lighten the mood. 

Dean laughs, clutching his chest. He hears someone call his name from behind and whips around to find Donna approaching them in her beautiful dress. 

“Dean, thank heavens I found you! There was this lady who wouldn’t stop talking to me about her incredible cake business, I was about to claw my ears out,” Donna blabbers on and then stops when she sees Claire and Cas, “Oh, Claire! Hi,” Donna greets Cas’s daughter, smiling big. She faces Cas, “And you’re her dad, right?” 

That’s when Dean realizes that despite all their meetings, Donna had never been introduced to Cas or Claire properly.

“Donna, this is Castiel. And of course, you’ve already met Claire, who is his most adorable little munchkin,” Dean says watching Claire giggling, “Cas, this is my captain, Donna.” 

Cas nods a little, holding his hand out politely, “I never really got to thank you properly for saving my life that day. So, thank you.” 

Donna shakes his hand, “Ah, don’t worry about it! It was all Dean, honestly. Dean’s one of our best, you know.” 

Dean grins, looking down modestly, “You sure know how to make a girl blush, Donna.” 

Donna smirks, laughing a little and shifts her attention to Claire, “Don’t you look gorgeous, Claire.” 

Claire smiles, eyes shimmering happily, “Thank you!” 

The music changes and slows, couples stepping onto the dance floor. 

After a few moments of silence, Dean gazes at Claire, “Hey Claire, is it okay if I steal your dad for a second?” 

Cas stiffens a little, “What?” He tries to ignore the timing of Dean’s question but given how Dean had always loved to slow dance with him in the past, he suspects it has something to do with the music and the fact there are other people dancing with their partners.

When Claire nods, Dean faces Cas, “Cas, may I have this dance?” When Cas doesn’t respond verbally, he places one hand behind his back and then the other hand out. When Cas hesitates, Dean continues, “Donna can look after your little girl, don’t worry. Just one dance. Please.” 

Cas stares back at Dean, completely thrown off. But with the way Dean is gazing at him with pleading green eyes, he’s unable to resist. Cas takes Dean’s hand, a wave of electricity jolting him awake as their skin makes contact. Dean pulls Cas into the dance floor, slowly, _extremely slowly,_ placing his left hand on Cas’s waist, and interlocking his right hand into Cas’s fingers. Dean is cautious and careful to take it slow, knowing Cas, giving Cas enough time to back away if he wants. But Cas surprises him by placing his free hand on Dean’s shoulder, stepping closer, because deep down, Cas knows how much he was starved of Dean’s touch. It takes a herculean effort not to wrap his arms around the man he’s dancing with, to close the distance between them, and just _feel_ him.

The song blasts from the loudspeakers placed somewhere in a corner, making Dean look at him with wide eyes, “Do you recognize the song? This is our song,” Dean whispers, swaying slowly, pulling Cas with him. The song playing is a cover of As Long As You Love Me by the Backstreet Boys. 

“I remember,” Cas mutters. But that’s not all he remembers. He remembers how Dean slow danced with him in the moonlight somewhat ten years ago. He remembers Dean’s gentle touches and kisses. And how his eyes shone with happiness and excitement. He remembers Dean pulling them into the backseat of the Impala. He remembers everything, every touch, every caress, every whisper of forever, every declaration of love against his skin.

Cas’s muscle tenses which make Dean say, “We can stop if you want.” Somehow, Cas realizes, Dean knows what he’s thinking about.

“No, it’s fine. This is… nice,” Cas says, not wanting to let go just yet. 

***

So they dance, moving in circles around the dance floor. After a while, Dean murmurs, “I never wanted to hurt you, you know. I don’t fully understand what went wrong with us, but I swear I never wanted to hurt you so much.” 

_“Dean.”_ Cas pleads, making Dean slow down and lower his head as an apology. _Way to go fucking it up again, Winchester,_ Dean’s mind races. 

Cas sighs as if he’s feeling the exhaustion of the night weighing him down. He leans forward and rests his forehead on Dean’s chest, which surprises Dean again. But instead of asking Cas what’s wrong, Dean moves his hand from Cas’s waist to his back, the _“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”_ almost falls from his mouth but he stops at the last moment, not wanting push too far.

Dean notices that Cas closed his eyes as if to take it all in, probably thinking it’s something Dean can’t see. “You smell like roses,” Cas says abruptly. This causes Dean to laugh, his entire chest shaking as he does. Cas looks up with a small grin, the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes getting pronounced a little bit. 

“You’re welcome,” Dean smirks, chuckling lightly. Cas almost rolls his eyes and pulls away from Dean a little, “I-” he stutters, “I want us to be... friends. I...I know it might sound ridiculous since I was the one to go away the last time but now I want- I want us to _work_ . For some _unfathomable_ reason, Claire seems to really like you. And I don’t want her to get hurt in our crossfires. So if I want her to stay happy like the way she is nowadays, I need _us_ to be okay.” 

Dean nods, wanting to have whatever Cas is willing to give, even if it’s just a friendship for the sake of his little daughter, “I agree... And anyway, Claire is definitely my favorite Novak.” 

This time Cas rolls his eyes humorously, “God, you’re annoying. But seriously, promise me you won’t hurt _her._ ” 

Dean’s face falls and his heart feels phantom pain. _He thinks I might hurt his daughter,_ a voice whispers in his mind. _Like the way I hurt him,_ the voice continues. Ignoring it, he solemnly nods, “I promise. I won’t be hurting _any_ Novak this time around.” Cas sighs as if all his instincts are telling him not to trust Dean again. “Thank you,” Cas mutters. The song ends, and before Cas can pull away, Dean shoots his shot. He already has Cas within arm’s reach, he can’t mess it up again. So, he leans in and pulls Cas into a tight hug, draping his arms around the man. He can feel Cas getting stiff under his arms but he doesn’t let go. “I’m so sorry for everything.” 

Eventually, Cas hugs back, albeit he’s still a bit tense, he buries his nose on his neck, taking in Dean’s scent and warmth. It’s been too long since they were this close. Dean breaks the hug, pursing his lips together. He waits for Cas to collect himself before walking in the direction they came in only to realize that Donna and Claire had been watching them the whole time. 

***

_Don’t make the same mistake twice_ , Cas’s brain warns him even when his heart is pulling him to the complete opposite direction, no matter how much pain he’s enduring, making him tear apart. He makes himself look stoic when he and Dean go back to Claire and Donna, both of them smiling broadly at them as if watching them dancing made them extremely happy. He pushes down the urge to rub his forehead in frustration. On one hand, he’s glad to be friends with Dean again but on the other hand, he knows it’s a recipe for disaster. Only if he’d a self-guide book with the title _How to Be Friends With Your Ex Without Making Things Awkward._ Inwardly sighing, he sits on a white satin cover clad chair and pulls Claire, who’s fussing with her headband, close. Dean sits beside him after grabbing a glass of champagne from the passing waiter. Cas recalls how it felt to hug Dean. Cas misses Dean’s familiar scent. The scent of home. And the moment he let himself get wrapped in Dean’s arm, his soul rejoiced. It felt surreal despite the warning his brain started to yell at him like a fire alarm. He tunes out the noise around him, concentrating on getting rid of the jitteriness he’s suddenly feeling. He almost undoes his tie but for the sake of appearance, he stops his hands.

A tap on his shoulder pulls him down to earth. He twists his head and looks up at the person. Lauren Ashby, the organizer of the charity, is standing with a man with a black tux on. Castiel stands up and nods at them with a smile. 

“Mr. Novak, this is Graham Kell, one of the organization owners to receive the donation tonight. He wanted to introduce himself to you.” Lauren states with a small curve of her lips.

Cas shakes hands with the man in the tux, Graham Kell, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kell.” 

Mr. Kell nods his head, bowing a little, “Likewise, Castiel. I wanted to thank you for your presence here.” Cas smiles politely, “There’s no need to thank me. I’m delighted to be here.”

“Came here to clear your family name, Castiel?” A voice interrupts them, making Cas turn around. Bart Baker, one of the rivals of the Novaks in business, is standing with his hands in his pockets, looking like a cat who got the canary.

Cas’s jaw clenches as he stares at the blonde man who comes closer and stands beside Mr. Kell. Not wanting the two people standing with him to witness whatever that’s gonna happen, Cas excuses himself and stays silent as Lauren, and Mr. Kell walks away after shaking his hand respectively.

“Barthemelow Baker. Can’t say I’m surprised to see you here. After all, publicity is what you thrive for.” Cas knows the man hates when someone calls him by his full name so watching him grimace brings a little satisfaction.

“At least I don’t have to donate money to make a good impression. Lord knows how bad your brother messed up. I sincerely hope this works.” Bart’s smile was as nasty as his intentions behind the words coming out of his mouth. For the hundredth time, Cas cursed his brother, Luke, for fucking up. His fists clench as he recalls all the calls and meetings he and Michael had to attend to clear out the company’s name. Holding meetings regarding illegal activities like black money manufacturing at the office isn’t something a company can easily sweep under the rug. The involvement of the police attracted the media and after that, it all went downhill. In the end, Michael and Castiel cleared the company name and made sure Luke was disinherited from the company share and all the family ties just as he was sent to the jail with his other accomplices.

A throat clearing snaps Cas out of his thoughts. Bart is still standing in front of him, but his eyes are on Claire and Dean, who’s holding his phone while Claire stands between his legs, staring at the screen with a big smile, meanwhile, Dean is looking between Cas and Bart with a frown.

Cas’s nose flares as he feels protectiveness towards Dean and Claire. He shifts to a side so that Dean and his daughter are moved out of Bart’s sight blocking his vision. “I would say it was nice meeting you but that would be a lie. So enjoy your evening. I’m sure we will meet again in the future.” With that, Cas turns his back at the man who’s now glaring at him. He hears footsteps fading away which confirms Bartholomew is gone now. Castiel huffs and rakes a hand over his hair, messing it a bit, taking a few steps towards where Dean is still sitting, however, Claire is now with Donna, talking animatedly, hand gestures and all.

“Ya okay?” Dean asks him, looking up at his face with a concerned look, with his hands halfway on the air, as if he wants to touch him. Cas stares at him, realizing how the heavy feeling dissolved a little the moment he went to stand by Dean. His hands itch to take Dean’s hands and hold them close to his heart which keeps fluttering like the wings of a caged bird whenever he’s near Dean Winchester. Yet, he ignores it, nodding silently, hoping it will be convincing enough to keep Dean from questioning.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Castiel has to leave for a two day meeting out of town, Dean steps in and volunteers to babysit Claire. Let's see how these two bond without Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicide attempt from one of the 911 calls  
> (It's only one paragraph and is not important to the plot so you can skip it if you want)  
> Also, we know updates have been slow lately but we hope to write and upload more often!! We hope everyone is enjoying the story so far!

_“...We've got a bone this life can't break_

_We've stared at darkness face to face_

_Under our skin, this fire won't fade_

_It'll burn so bright_

_Yeah, it'll burn so bright…”_

Days pass since the charity event and Dean is _buzzing_ with joyous sensation _._ He’s happy that he and Cas are finally starting to figure things out, even if it’s just as friends. And not to mention Charlie who apparently won one of those giveaways on Instagram and of course, Dean is thrilled for his best friend. Everything is fine, stable, and calm, which is almost daunting. The 136 team goes out on some more calls. Dean’s favorite had been about a little 5-year-old boy calling 9-1-1 for his lost pet frog. They found the frog hidden in the sunflowers in their garden. They answer some more serious calls too, like the time a couple getting stuck in an elevator, or a man stuck under a car. Some days are incredibly long and draining, others short and quick, but no matter what day or what time of the day it is, Dean’s mind has a mind of its own because he always ends up wondering about Cas. 

Dean is savoring his Tuesday morning coffee, sitting at the edge of his couch while hunching over the coffee table, trying to solve a crossword puzzle in the newspaper when his phone buzzes with a text. It’s Cas.

_ >> I was wondering if you’re free to meet over coffee later? _

Dean smiles as he reads the text before raising an eyebrow.He quickly replies,

_ << Always free for you. 5 pm at the Starbucks near your office? _

_ >> The way you know where I work… it’s creepy, Dean. _

Dean smirks, typing fast.

_ << Cas come on. You wanna meet up or not? _

_ >> Fine. 5 pm. See you then. _

“Oooh, are you texting your new boyfriend?” Charlie teases, peaking a glance over Dean’s shoulder. Dean almost jumps out of his seat at the voice of his friend. He turns off his phone and stuffs it back into his pocket, turning to frown at his friend, “He’s not my _boyfriend_ , you gremlin. Cas and I are finally starting to be _friends._ ” 

Charlie wiggles her eyebrows, “Friends to lovers hmm, I see.” 

“How the fuck did you even get in? Used a hairpin?” Dean snarks.

“You gave me a spare key remember, loverboy?” Charlie rolls her eyes.

Dean grabs one of the cushions within arm’s reach and whacks it over Charlie’s head which causes Charlie to snort out a laugh. 

“Don’t you have your own love life to worry about anyway?” Dean asks as Charlie flops down on the couch.

“Nope. I am single pringle and ready to-” her voice was cut off by a special alert tone, set for fire emergencies only, echoing through her phone speaker, “Oh man, I literally _just_ sat down!” Dean grins and goes to his room to change his clothes before going out the door with his best friend close behind him. 

Dean finds himself in the coffee shop alone with his and Cas’s coffee in hand. _What if Cas doesn’t show up? What if he backs down at the last minute?_ Dean stares out the window, worried. But instead, Castiel shows up wearing a casual denim jacket over his black shirt which contrasts Dean’s red flannel. 

Cas sits down as Dean hands him the coffee. 

“I wasn’t sure if you would show up,” Dean says nervously.

Cas takes a sip of his coffee and smiles, “You remembered my order… and of course, I showed up. I was the one to invite you after all.” He does a once over at Dean, noticing the way Dean taps on the cap and how he darts his eyes back and forth. 

Dean gives him a quick smile, “So, what’s up?” 

Cas sighs, placing his head in the palm of his hands, “A lot. So much. I want to scream sometimes.” 

“You wanna talk? I’m all ears,” Dean offers, watching the way Cas lowers his hands and he now clearly sees the dark circles under his eyes after tiring sleepless nights. 

“Well for one, work has been more intense lately. My clients are being incredibly fussy and it’s driving me crazy. And I have this meeting in a few towns over which I need to attend to in a few days but I can’t find a half-decent babysitter for Claire and I can’t ask Kelly because Jack already drives her crazy enough, Claire would make her it more difficult,” Cas exhales at the end of his rambling and gives Dean a sheepish look before sipping his coffee again. 

Dean quietly ponders on this for a second and then goes, “Okay here’s a crazy idea. What if I look after Claire while you’re gone? She can stay in my loft, I’ll take her to school and pick her up on time. She can even join me to the station when I’m free.” 

Cas frowns, “Dean, I appreciate that but you really don’t have to. I’m sure I can find someone in two days…” 

Dean tilts his head- a trait he had caught from Cas himself-, “Come on Cas, in two days? Look, she’ll be fine with me, I promise. You know I would never let anything happen to her. And she loves me.” 

Cas breaks into a smile, “She does. She adores you. Fine. I guess it’s better to leave her with someone I trust than some stranger I barely know. But you’ll call if anything happens, right? I’ll be gone for two days, Friday and Saturday. Saturday is the weekend so you can do something fun with Claire.” 

Dean smiles, bouncing his head up and down enthusiastically, “Oh, of course. And yes, I’ll call if anything happens.” 

Cas sighs, slouching his shoulders in relief, “Thank you so much, Dean. I’ll drop her off Thursday night.” Dean and Cas talk a bit more about their lives, catching up. Dean tells stories about some of the calls he’s been on, earning some soft smiles from Cas. They talk and laugh until the sun sets, replacing the natural sunlight with the artificial lights of the street lights. Cas thanks Dean again wholeheartedly before leaving with a smile on his face. 

***

On Thursday night, Cas leaves Claire with Dean, along with a bag filled with her clothes, books and enough toys to last two days. Of course, Claire has been absolutely ecstatic since the moment Cas told her about the trip. He wants to feel upset that his daughter isn’t sad that he’s leaving for two days but seeing Claire’s happy face can’t make him feel anything but content. On the way to Dean’s place, she says, “I can’t believe I get to spend two days with Dean!” Cas just laughs, shaking his head before concentrating on the car navigation app since this is the first time he’s going to Dean’s loft. Dean, naturally, welcomes Claire into his home with open arms and a bright enough smile to make him feel lightheaded with warmth. Cas drags Claire’s bag through the door while Dean carries Claire inside in his arms. Cas has a quick glance around the loft, impressed by the simplicity. Even though it is a small living space, Dean had managed to make it still feel like home. It’s an open floor plan with exposed brick walls and ceiling to floor windows, which takes up one whole wall. He spies a staircase beside the windows. 

“This place is amazing, Dean.” Cas compliments.

Dean shrugs in response. “Wanna have something? Coffee or beer?” Dean says as he stands beside the couch. Cas stays standing by the door.

“No, I’m driving out tonight. Gotta pack before it gets too late. By the way, don’t forget to drive Claire to school tomorrow morning,” Cas reminds Dean before crouching in front of his daughter and hugging her tightly. Claire kisses his cheek and wraps her arms around his neck.

“Be good to Dean, okay baby?”

Claire nods several times, “I’ll miss you, papa bear.”

“I’m gonna miss you too, Claire bear.” Cas kisses Claire’s head and stands up. He moves to the door and looks back at Dean. “Uh...take care Dean. I’ll see you soon.”

Dean nods, placing a hand on the frame of the doorway, “You too, man. And don’t worry, I got her. And please drive safe, Cas.” 

Cas sighs, pulling on the collar of his t-shirt nervously, “Please call me if-”

“-if anything happens I know. Calm down, Claire is safe here.” Dean interrupts. 

Cas bits his lips turning around to leave when Dean quickly catches his arm. 

“Hey, don’t worry,” Dean says, his eyes screaming sincerity. Cas stares at him for a moment, before he decides to wrap his arms around Dean.

“ _Thank you_ ,” Cas mutters, not just for taking care of Claire but also for everything else. Dean squeezes Cas a little before finally letting go which tells Cas that he understood what Cas tried to convey. Cas leaves and Dean closes the door, feeling a weight crush his chest a little, before he turns to Claire with a smile. 

“So, your dad’s gone, what do you wanna do?” Dean grins at her mischievously. 

Dean loves and adores Claire’s laugh because it’s so much like Cas’s, “I think my dad would take your head off if I stayed up late. I should go to sleep, I have school tomorrow.” Dean is impressed at how responsible Claire was, but she was raised by Cas so somehow it made sense. 

Dean sighs, “Alright, kiddo. Are you hungry?” Claire shakes her head, “Alright then,” Dean continues, “Come on. I don’t really have another room so you’ll be taking my bed.” 

Claire gasps, “What? But it’s your bed!” 

Dean chuckles, “It’s really okay, it’s only two days, sweetheart. A princess such as yourself needs your beauty sleep.” They walk up the wooden staircase where Dean’s little and cosy room is. He’s already made his bed, and kept a glass of water on the bedside table. He keeps Claire’s suitcase in the corner and helps her settle down and get ready. 

While Claire takes a shower and gets ready for bed, Dean goes downstairs and grabs a snack from his fridge, a chocolate roll. Claire snuggles into her blankets as Dean wishes her a goodnight, turns off all the lights and goes to sleep in the massive couch he’s got downstairs. But only a few minutes later, he hears a very clear, “Dean? Can you come stay with me tonight?” from the bed upstairs in his loft. 

Dean finds Claire clutching her blanket tightly, “What’s wrong, Claire?” 

“I miss my dad. This is the first time he’s left me alone. Can you stay with me tonight?” Claire asks. Dean, of course, agrees, sliding into the blankets. Claire places her head on Dean’s chest. 

“Goodnight, Dean,” Claire says, her hands alright wrapped around Dean like a sloth. 

“Goodnight, Claire bear,” Dean repeats as he wraps his arms around the little girl, falling into a very deep sleep. 

The next morning, the little Novak and Dean prepare breakfast together before school. Dean flips the omelet and Claire puts the bread in the toaster with Dean’s help, after that, Dean prepares the baked beans and bacon and orange juice for Claire. They have a good breakfast together before Claire has to go to school. Dean enjoys having Claire to himself. She’s smart, responsible, but she’s snarky, sassy and fun to be around. Dean notices more and more of Cas’s traits embedded into Claire’s personality but she is a wonderful person of her own. 

Dean drops Claire off at school, ignoring the side looks he gets from the mothers of other children, he promises to return to pick her up later, and drives himself to work. Dean already told Donna he might be a bit late this morning because he has to drop Claire off first. 

He parks his car, when his phone buzzes unexpectedly. 

_ >> Good morning. How are you? How is Claire? Is everything okay? _

Dean falls back into his driver’s seat, sighing at Cas’s text. 

_ << Morning blue eyes. Claire is a gem. We made this awesome breakfast together, I’ll send you some pics. And I just dropped her off at school. _

Dean attaches a picture of their breakfast. 

_ >> I’m so jealous right now. _

_ << We can have another breakfast once you come back home. Have a great day, Cas! _

_ >> You too, Dean. _

Dean pauses staring at his text. _Once you come back home._ He didn’t mean to send it and hopes Cas doesn’t overthink or ponder too much on this. 

Dean has one hell of a day. His team goes on a call about a man about to jump off a bridge. Donna approaches the man carefully, trying to talk him down from the bridge. But the team isn't idle. They blew up one of those large plastic landing pads right below the bridge, stopping cars on the road and causing a shit ton of traffic to save this one life. Dean watches anxious as his captain desperately tries to reach out to the man. Charlie rubs her hand on Dean’s back gently, as she stands by his side. Even the passersby on the road become invested in this mission. Everyone watches nervously as the man slowly backs away and falls into Donna’s arms crying and weeping. Dean finally exhales, heart still pounding in his chest. 

When he picks up Claire from the school, his shit low mood is improved in a heartbeat. Claire smiles brightly, skipping up to Dean’s car and jumping inside through the already opened door. 

“How was your day, Claire?” Dean asks, driving down the road. 

“It was great! I won a maths competition and beat the smartest kid in class!!” Claire exclaims wiggling around on her seat excitedly. 

Dean laughs, “That’s my girl! Proud of you, sweetheart. As a treat, what do you want for dinner? We can get take out.” 

Claire’s eyes light up, “Really? Dad never lets us have take out on weekdays.”

Dean grins cheekily, “Well, your dad isn’t here now, is he? And hey, if your dad gets mad, I’ll cover for you.” 

Claire giggles, now completely invested, “Okay! How about Chinese takeaway?” 

Dean turns to look at the little girl, who’s now grasping her seat belt beaming from ear to ear. 

“Sure thing, I know a place.”

Dean decided it is better to get takeaway as Claire suggested instead of eating out so they can stuff their faces with no judgment. They return to Dean’s comfy loft, Claire immediately rushing to the bathroom to change. Dean changes and has a quick wash too and prepares the food on the table. He sends a picture to Cas.

He almost immediately receives a call in return. 

“Heya, Cas,” Dean grins even though he’s aware that Cas can’t see him. 

“Don’t _Cas_ me, you little sneak. You got takeaway?” Cas demands but his voice isn’t firm and strict and Dean immediately knows he’s pulling his leg. 

“Claire scored the highest on her maths test, I thought she deserved a treat.” Dean fiddles with the edge of the blue Guns and Roses shirt he has changed into. 

He hears a long deep sigh from the other end of the phone, “Fine. How are you? Has my daughter driven you up the wall yet?”

Dean laughs, “Quite the opposite actually. She’s great, Cas. Do you mind if I steal her for another few extra days?”

Cas fake gasps like he’s offended, “Absolutely not! You’re spoiling her!” 

Dean’s enjoying this way too much to stop now, “Aw come on, Castiel.” 

“You’re insufferable, Dean Winchester,” Cas says. Dean sees Claire stomping down the stairs in her little slippers so he bids Cas goodnight and hands over the phone to Claire who’s now standing beside him. Even though Dean knows Cas will be back soon, he can’t help missing him a little too much. 

The weekend begins with vanilla pancakes and delicious chocolate syrups or as Cas would call it “hyperglycemia on a plate”. Dean has promised to take Claire to the carnival on the other side of the town which is why they get ready to go right after breakfast. Dean makes sure to get his wallet and keys as Claire brings along her small pink backpack which matches her very cotton candy pink strawberry dress.

They arrive at the carnival around midday. The crowds of people momentarily overwhelm Dean as he’s not a big fan of crowds but when Claire wraps her hand around Dean’s index finger, he’s immediately pulled back into reality. They go to get some tickets for rides and Claire is eager to ride the “Ride of Doom” which honestly doesn’t sound so promising. It is a mildly dangerous-looking rollercoaster ride, so of course, Dean isn’t going to let Claire go alone. He sits beside Claire, trying his best not to haul his breakfast out of his guts. 

After the ride, Claire drags Dean into a water gun shooting game. The aim is to knock down as many cans as possible with the water gun and win a toy. Dean notices Claire eyeing the massive fluffy maroon teddy bear and thinks, _Awh what the hell._

Dean is a pro at shooting. He did several training sessions for the fire department and had gone hunting with his dad as a kid, so this? This is _his_ territory. The cans are placed far apart from each other and the other kids were struggling to nail them. Dean steps forward, placing his ticket down for a try. He grabs the water gun confidently, aiming and shooting down five cans in the span of five seconds. The entire crowd falls into silence, but Dean is on a roll. He knows he has a few more shots until the water runs out of the gun, so he takes down ten more cans in record time. He hears Claire gasp beside him and he finally looks up, a little dazed. 

“Wow, never seen anyone shoot like that,” The man behind the counter smiles, “Please, take whatever you want as your prize. But one item only!” Dean thanks him and points to the teddy bear. It’s fluffy and incredibly soft, like balls of clouds. Dean hands the soft toy to Claire. 

“Thank you!! Isn’t she the best?” Claire hugs the toy which is approximately half her size. Dean laughs, “She is. How about we get some food and show this off to your dad, huh?” Claire nods eagerly. 

They find an awesome taco place and get two tacos and some nachos with three different sauces. Dean facetimes Cas as Claire stuffs her face with nachos, getting the sauce all over her face. 

“Hello, Dean,” Cas says. Dean waves back, smiling. He’s trying to figure out where Cas is and it looks like a motel room. Cas looks completely exhausted and drained, dark circles under his eyes, and his hair floundering around in all sorts of directions, while the tie is set loose around the white collar of his shirt with the top button undone. He looks sinfully hot.

“Dad!! We came to this carnival and look at what Dean won for me!” Claire squeals, hugging the teddy bear, her face almost hidden behind the toy. Dean reaches over with a tissue and wipes away the sauce around Claire’s mouth before she stains the toy. 

Cas smiles endearingly at the two of them, “Hey, baby. How are you? Looks like you guys are having fun! That’s great!” 

“I’m fine, daddy,” Claire says, before concentrating on her food.

Dean nods, “We are having fun but we miss you though. Are you coming home soon?” Dean freezes when he realizes he mentioned ‘home’ again.

“Yes. I’ll be there tomorrow morning to pick up Claire,” Cas replies, no visible sign that he noticed it, “Just make sure you keep her in one piece.”

Claire giggles from her seat, munching down on her taco and attacking it so furiously that its contents spill out. 

“I’ll try but she’s a fierce one, Cas,” Dean smirks, watching Claire frown as she tries to clean up after herself. 

“You better go before she gets salsa sauce over her new friend,” Cas laughs through the phone. Dean quickly says goodbye and hangs up in time to help Claire with the mess. 

After lunch, Claire drags Dean some more rides and games until they finish all their tickets and the sun begins to drop into the horizon in the distance, painting an array of oranges and reds into the sky above them. Dean can tell that Claire is exhausted from their day out, so he drives them away from the carnival and into a quiet hill area to watch the sunset. They park the car a few meters away, Dean lays out a picnic mat on the grass and lays down. Claire quickly joins him, her enthusiastic energy finally lessening as she places her head on Dean’s chest, placing her hands around his arm.

“You know,” Claire begins, “I never knew my mommy. And the kids in my school sometimes bully me for not having two parents. But I think you’re like a dad to me. So it’s like I have two dads.” 

Dean smiles fondly, “Well, I love you like you’re my own daughter, Claire. I know you already have an incredible and brave father but I’m always here for you. And for what it’s worth, those kids bullying you are not worth your time, kiddo.” 

Claire nods, her small frame leaning further into Dean’s chest, “I know. But it still hurts. But I’m glad my dad has you. I’m glad _I_ have you.” Claire slowly drifts off to sleep on Dean’s chest and that’s when Dean fully realises he’s totally and absolutely fucked. He loves this kid so much, there’s no backing out now. It’s not even the fact that this is Cas’s daughter. Maybe it started that way. But slowly, with time, Dean became very protective of Claire Novak almost as if she is his own. Which is why now he realises how this child, this incredible, bright sunshine of a daughter, might be the vital key in fixing his rocky relationship with Cas. 

He slowly and carefully slides from under Claire and picks her up into his arms and walks to the car. Placing her on the backseat, with the blanket as a pillow under her head, he settles behind the steering wheel. Glancing at Claire once through the rear view mirror, he starts the engine, a mechanical purring sound echoing through the wind as he drives back to his home.


	17. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel returns home and everything seems fine. Dean and Cas are fine... for now. However, a tragic event can make you spiral out of control but it can also bring people together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING// death of a character, falling buildings, mourning, and regretful thoughts
> 
> Hi! We're sorry for the delay but now we're back!! This chapter made us 'almost' cry while writing. So maybe you should prepare yourselves too. Anyways, we hope you enjoy this chapter :)  
> Thanks for all the kudos, comments, bookmarks, and subscriptions. <3

_“...Ouch I have lost myself again_

_Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found_

_Yeah I think that I might break_

_Lost myself again and I feel unsafe_

_Be my friend, hold me_

_Wrap me up, enfold me_

_I am small and needy…”_

Castiel flops down on his bed, sighing while rubbing his forehead, knowing fully how a headache is about to come. 

Meeting Michael after months has been refreshing, he missed his big brother very much. The constant worry about his daughter was present inside his heart the whole time he was away but he _cannot_ just deny how getting updates from Dean soothed his overstressed mind. The moment had Dean called him from the carnival and smiled his pretty smile, showing the white teeth and glimmering eyes, Castiel’s heart had jumped and almost did a cartwheel. And when he saw his daughter- his only daughter who is his whole world- laugh and interact so freely with Dean? Cas wanted to capture the moment and keep it locked inside the core of his heart forever so that it can never get lost.

Cas caught the red-eye the previous night and flew back to Lawrence within hours. When he walked past the luggage claim, he noticed Dean standing among the people walking to their designation. It wasn’t only the fact that Dean had come to pick him, it was how Claire was in his arms, one hand wrapped around his neck while she kept waving the other cheerfully while wearing a grin- a grin which matched Dean’s perfectly as if they are father and daughter-, and shit if it didn’t make Cas feel like a million dollars. It’s the perfect welcome anyone could ask for. But at the same time, it’s not. Because... because Dean isn’t his. _He_ isn’t Dean’s. Claire is his daughter only. Dean just played the part of a babysitter as his... friend.

When Cas reached Dean and Claire, his daughter jumped into his arms, almost making him fall backward, the handle of his travel bag falling away from his hand. The sad feeling from before left him as easily as it had come. He wrapped his arms around Claire and breathed in her familiar soft smell. Kissing her head, Cas looked all over her, checking if she was all okay or not. 

“I’m okay, papa bear,” Claire whispered, smiling softly while holding Cas's cheeks in her small hands, nevermind the prickly scruff on his face.

“I know, Claire bear,” Cas whispered back, smoothing down her ponytail with one hand.

Cas looked at Dean, who’s watching them the whole time without saying a word... just observing them. He smiled a little, “Hello, Dean. How are you?”

“Hey, Cas. I’m fantastic since I got to spend time with a very awesome kid, right Claire?” Dean winked at Claire who nodded smiling as a response.

“Okay, now let’s get going. I bet you’re already too tired.” Dean said, bending a bit to pick up Cas’s bag. Nodding, Cas walked beside Dean with his daughter still wrapped around him like a koala though he wouldn’t have it any other way. During those moments, Cas let himself pretend everything was okay and they were a family… a happy family of two guys and their adorable daughter. Sometimes it was just easier to go with the flow rather than fighting and swimming against the tide. 

Cas is brought back from his thoughts when he feels his phone vibrate inside his pocket as he slumps in his comfortable bed, halfway through undoing his shirt. 

He answers the call without checking the caller ID.

“Hello, Castiel Novak speaking.”

“Hello, Castiel’s best mate speaking.” A very familiar voice replies.

Balthazar LeBlanc. Cas’s only friend. He is a photographer and lives in England. Cas met him when Balthazar was hired to take photographs at one of the events of the company a year after Claire was born. At first, Balthazar tried to hit on him but when Cas didn’t show any interest, he went from flirty to friendly. After a few hangouts, they became close friends. However, Balthazar got an amazing job offer at a model agency in England and decided to pack everything up and move across the pond. Now Cas and he often call each other and stay updated with their individual lives. Claire calls him Uncle Balthy.

“Balthazar, how are you doing?”

“I’m doing well… too well sometimes. How’s that adorable daughter of yours? Doing good?” Balthazar asks. Cas shifts on the bed and sits properly with legs stretched in front of him, socks still on his feet.

“She is fine. Enjoying her classes.” 

“Ah, I’m glad to hear that. Anyways, how’s life treating you since I last heard from you? When’s that? August? Or in July?”

“End of July. When you called to tell me how you managed to score the deal with the French art gallery.” Cas reminds Balthazar who hums in confirmation.

“Oh yes, I remember. Anyways, are you still the brooding businessman who’s immune to everyone's charm, or did that change?”

Cas rolls his eyes, “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m still that same ol’ Cas.” 

“Magnificent... now listen. There’s a story I’ve been dying to tell you…”

Balthazar keeps talking about some swinging couple hitting on him but Cas half listens to him while his mind drifts to Dean and how the last few days have been too _dean-ful_ , like one day he wasn’t there and the next day he’s everything. First Halloween, then charity and now babysitting his daughter. It’s like the universe is trying to tell him something. But Cas isn't much of a believer of destiny. So he thinks it’s all just a string of strange coincidences and acts of convenience.

After Balthazar ends his call with a loud yawn, claiming he needs his beauty sleep, Cas finishes stripping and enters the shower. He let the cool water lift the weight on his shoulders, the stresses, and anxiety of managing his business with his brother. He lets his mind run free, and for the first time, thinking about the future he hadn’t dared to contemplate on before. Maybe Dean was right, after all, this time will be different. 

***

Dean drives to work the next day, feeling light and chirpy. Charlie eyes him suspiciously. 

“What’s gotten into you? Are you high or something?” She asks, narrowing her eyes. 

Dean laughs, “You actually think I would risk that with Donna around? Nah, I’m just happy for once.” 

Charlie nods her head slowly, “Okayyy…”

The sirens go off as Donna starts yelling at everyone to get into the trucks immediately. They don’t need to be told twice. They go on a few calls, a few kids stuck in an elevator (one of Charlie’s greatest nightmares is being stuck in an elevator), a call about a fishing get-together gone wrong and a call about a bar fight that also went fucking wrong and a guy got a pool stick sticking out of his left shoulder. 

A few days pass by, Dean talks to Cas whenever he can but Cas is always so busy with work that they barely have time to hang out. Dean feels helpless and a little disheartened but he doesn’t let that get the better of him. 

It’s been four days since Cas’s return to Lawrence when the 136 team gets a call about a collapsing building. A bomb had gone off which caused the foundations of the building to tumble. The building is an eight-story office building. The moment Dean hears the news about the bomb, his heart almost stops as he wonders if Cas is in this building but then he remembers that Cas is on the other side of the city. The team rushes to the site, Donna asking them to proceed with caution as they’re not sure if this is a single attack or if there will be more. They suspect it’s a terrorist attack, no one knows who or why, but at that moment it doesn’t matter. People’s lives are at risk and need saving so that’s what they are going to do. They save lives. Dean, Benny, and Garth prepare and wear protective gear and check their radios. Charlie and Sarah first tend to the wounded on the ground, some women and men with a few cuts and banged up heads. The building is already extremely weak as it is. Half of it is in shambles, and the other half being held upright by pure dumb luck. The neighboring fire station, team 138, rush in to lend their hands too. Dean, Garth, and Benny enter the second half of the building that’s still standing, trying to get everyone out. Garth and a few others take the first few floors while Dean, Benny, and some from 138 try to climb to the higher floors. They hear a few screams for help, Benny rushing in to save them. They get almost everyone out safely. But Dean hears a young girl scream down the hallway, which is filled with debris and torn electrical wires which were sparkling perilously. 

“Dean, it’s too dangerous,” Benny stops him with a grip on his bicep. 

Dean stares at Benny outraged, “There’s a little girl stuck in there! I don’t give a shit if it’s dangerous, I’m going in.” 

“Fine, then I’m coming with you, brother,” Benny nods solemnly, fixing his gear, as if he's talking about going to buy something and not going inside a collapsed building, risking his life. The building shakes and Dean grabs onto the staircase railing. He closes his eyes, praying to make it out alive. When the build stops shaking, he hears Donna through the radio. 

“Winchester? Lafitte? Are you there?” the Captain asks, her voice cracking due to the poor signal.

Dean coughs, “Yes, Captain.” 

“Both of you have to get out immediately. The rest of the building is about to fall apart and we cleared the ground. Get out _now_ , that’s an order.”

Dean and Benny share a look. 

“I’m sorry Captain. There’s a young girl stuck inside, we need to get her out. Over,” Dean says, eyes firmly resting on Benny who nods in agreement. 

“Winchester!” Donna yells into the radio and the building shakes again. Dean hears a loud bang somewhere in the distance, and Benny grabs Dean pulling him along and out of danger. They don’t turn around as they tumble down the hallway, inching closer to the screams of the young girl. 

“Hey, are you in here?” Benny yells. 

“Help!!” The girl screams back. 

“Alright, I’m gonna go in there. Take this rope and tie it to that pole to keep us stable. I’ll get the girl,” Benny says. Dean does as he is told, watching Benny enter the room. The building shakes again, and Benny stops. The floor is already tilted and Dean feels fully disorientated but he focuses on Benny. Benny reaches the girl who’s hiding behind a couch. She grabs Benny’s hand as he smiles and nods at her reassuringly.

Whatever happens afterward seems like a bad b-rated movie that Dean never wants to face ever again. He hears another loud crash. He sees Benny’s eyes widen as he realizes what’s happening a split second faster than Dean does. He sees Benny push the young girl towards him and he instinctively grabs the girl as she wraps her arms around Dean’s waist. He watches as the ceiling comes down, collapsing in front of him. He reaches out for Benny but it’s already too late. He watches as the ceiling crumbles down right on top of Benny, crushing him under its incredible weight. The young girl screams at the booming groaning noise, burying her face in Dean. Dean feels like he got all his oxygen completely knocked out of his lungs. He can’t breathe. His vision blurs and all he can see is dust. The girl in his arms screams again, and her high pitched screams pull Dean back to reality. He tightens his grasp on the young girl in his arms. She's probably a few years older than Claire Novak, and Dean runs, silently promising to come back for Benny after he makes sure the little girl is safe because obviously nothing can't happen to Benny. Not with Dean still alive to help him. He fights the tears, fights the indescribable and searing pain in his lungs as he breathes in dust and the pain of what he just saw happening. Dean’s sole focus becomes saving this one girl. He lets it consume him. Finding escape routes, tying rope, and lowering him and the girl down safely. The moment they leave the building and rush out onto the darkened streets, the building crumbles into the ground. The weight of bricks and cement coming down together stirs up more dust. Dean wants to scream. He wants to claw his way back to his friend to save him, but he can't. Not anymore. He coughs violently, shielding the girl from the dust with his body. Donna, Charlie, and Sarah sprint towards them. Donna asks for Benny. When Dean falls to his knees as if all the strings supporting him have been cut off, they understand. Sarah checks upon the young girl who has gone completely mute in terror. But then again, so has Dean. Charlie and Donna pull Dean to the side, Charlie checking his vitals, conflicted between doing her job as a medic and being Dean’s best friend. 

“Dean, I’m so sorry,” Charlie says, her voice quavering. 

Dean opens his mouth to speak but his mind fails him. Charlie hugs him, tight and warm. He shuts his eyes, but the moment he closes them, he envisions the cement coming down on Benny. The image suffocates him.

***

Cas watches the news for the first time in a while. And his fingers hover over the button ready to switch to the next channel when he hears about a collapsing building. Every hair in his body stands upright, as he sees the familiar faces of the 136 team rush into the building. And Cas prays. The last time Cas prayed was right before his daughter was born. After losing Meg, Cas didn’t see the point in prayers if they weren’t going to be answered. But now he prays again, prays for Dean to be okay. Because ultimately, that's all he _can_ do. 

The news reporter reports about two firefighters remaining in the building. He sees a shot of Donna looking incredibly distressed. It takes a few painful minutes before he sees Dean sprint out of the building with a small girl and the building collapses behind him. He waits for the other firefighter to follow suit but he doesn't. So when Dean falls to his knees, Cas falls on the couch. He understands what he's witnessing through the screen of the TV. 

“Oh my god, Dean,” Cas places a hand over his mouth, the reality of what just happened to smack him at full force. He can’t get out now since there are some important clients he has to meet so he leaves a string of texts asking Dean if he’s alright and informing that he’s there if he wanna talk.

***

_It’s my fault, it’s all my fault, I should have listened._ The voices in Dean’s head pound so loud that all he can do is let them consume him. After going home, Dean showered, scrubbing his skin till it turned red under his fingers, wanting to remove all the evidence of the fucked up situation. 

It’s his fault they went inside that death trap. Dean should have known better. He fucked up and now Benny... Benny who always made Dean laugh and always has his back... died. He fucking _died_ and Dean didn’t do shit to save him. 

Feeling too much chaos inside his head, Dean climbs down the stairs and sits down on the couch. His phone is lying on the coffee table which he picks up to check the time. Ten hours have passed since he got outta that collapsed building, leaving his friend behind. There are a few notifications of texts and missed calls from his family and friends. He ignores them however texts from one certain person grabs his attention. Cas.

Cas had seen the news and let him know he was there for him.

With shaky fingers, Dean presses the call button and put the phone near his ear. After a few short rings, Cas answers the call. 

“Dean. I’m glad you called. I’m so sorry. How are you?” Cas’s voice does something to Dean. He cannot describe what, but it does _something._ He opens his mouth to speak but instead, a strangled noise comes out of his mouth, threatening to choke him. 

“C-Cas. I ne-need you.” Dean whispers in a rough voice.

Cas makes a sound, something in between a groan and a gasp, and replies with just “Okay, hang in there. I’m coming.” Then he ends the call. 

Not knowing what to do, Dean lays down on the couch and curls up, closing his eyes.

A while later, he hears the doorbell ring. With jerky motion, he walks to the door and twists the doorknob, opening it. Cas is standing outside of his loft, wearing a stretchy black T-shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants.

***

The door opens revealing Dean, who’s wearing a brown soft-looking hoodie and black sweatpants. His eyes are bloodshot with their usual glint missing and his skin looks a bit pale. This hair is frantic and unbrushed, Cas notices. 

“Cas.” Dean breathes and before Cas can understand what’s happened, Dean has both of his arms wrapped around Cas’s neck tightly and his head buried at the crook of Cas’s neck. Cas folds his arms around Dean’s back, pulling him close enough to feel his heartbeat against his chest and let Dean’s scent fill his nose. Moments pass but Dean doesn’t move nor does Cas. Eventually, Cas shifts forward without breaking the hug and pulls Dean inside the loft. Closing the door with his feet, Cas half carries half drags Dean to the couch.

Dean flops down on the couch, holding onto the hem of Cas’s T-shirt with a death grip. Cas sits down beside him and turns his face towards him with a gentle touch on his chin.

“Dean? Are you okay? Tell me what you need. Please,” Cas pleads, his voice a gentle tone because he doesn’t want to do anything to make Dean feel worse. Watching Dean like this is already breaking his heart as if someone is bashing the organ with a rustic hammer. He desperately wants to wipe off the broken look from Dean’s face.

Dean glances up weakly. 

“I don’t know. I just- I just need you right now,” Dean says slowly, his voice a rough whisper, “Can you stay for a bit?” 

Cas immediately nods, “Of course. Whatever you need, I’m here. I can stay the night if you want me to.” 

Dean exhales, burying his head in his hands, “Thank you.” 

Cas slowly rubs Dean’s back, finally noticing the mess of his once beautiful loft. There are beer bottles in corners, plastic wrappers, tissues, and papers on the floor. Then he spots a few ceramic pieces on the floor and recognizes them as broken pieces of Dean’s old ceramic owl. It doesn’t take Cas long to figure out what happened to that ornament. 

“I fucked up Cas,” Dean chokes out. He moves his hand down, to reveal his tear stricken face, “I fucked up, I didn’t listen. I should have listened. He would- would be here, if I just fucking listened.” 

“Dean, you were doing your job. You both were. You saved a little girl. Benny knew what he was getting himself into. Benny wouldn’t want you to beat yourself down like this,” Cas says softly. 

“My whole job is to save people. What good am I if I can’t even save my best friend?” Dean asks, not paying heed to what Cas just said.

“Dean- Dean, look at me.” Cas holds Dean’s face in between his palms and leaves Dean no choice other than to look at him. When he’s sure Dean’s paying him full attention, Cas speaks, “I know you’re feeling devastated now but what would have happened if, instead of going to save that girl, you took Benny and got away from that building? Would you still be happy? I don’t think so.” Dean opens his mouth to speak but Cas doesn’t let him.

“You got a big heart, and you always try to save everyone but you’re human after all, my friend. You can’t save everyone. There’s always a price to pay for every single deed you do. And I didn't know Benny that well, but I'm sure he'd be happy knowing how you managed to save the little girl. He'd be proud of you."

Dean just stares back at him without saying anything. 

“Where is Claire?” Dean asks after a few moments of silence.

“I left her at Kelly’s place. Don’t worry about that now,” Cas says, running his fingers across Dean’s back, feeling the tensed muscles hidden by the T-shirt underneath his skin. Dean sighs, leaning into his touch.

“Did you eat anything?” 

“No.”

“Okay... I’ll order something for you,” Cas says and takes out his phone to order some food for Dean, who’s now leaning back on the couch and rubbing the bridge of his nose with his fingers.

As they wait for the food to arrive, Cas and Dean sit side by side in complete and comfortable silence. 

“Thank you for coming. You didn’t have to. I just didn’t know who... else to call. And your texts were on the lo-,” Dean mutters, staring at his fingers. Cas sighs and shakes his head, stopping Dean from rambling. He leans back into the couch, “You know I’m always here for you. And I’m glad you called. You shouldn’t have to be alone right now.” 

***

Dean peaks a look at Cas who, as it turns out, is already staring at Dean. There’s something about the way Cas is looking at him that makes Dean want to fall into his arms. But the doorbell breaks him out of the thoughts about it. Cas stands, excusing himself and pulling out his wallet. After paying the delivery boy and taking the food from him, Cas carries the Chinese takeaway boxes and chopsticks to the couch from where Dean is watching him. He lays down the boxes and grabs a few soft drinks from the fridge- Cas purposely avoids the beer this time. Dean and Cas have their food, making small talk but it’s not awkward or strange. It feels natural, like two friends just being there for each other. Dean doesn’t mind the silence that falls between them now and again. He doesn’t mind the gap between him and Cas. Because for the first time in twelve years, that space between them feels comfortable enough to make Dean hope things might get better from now on. 

After they finish eating, Dean takes the empty boxes and throws them into the trash can. Meanwhile, Cas checks his phone for any SOS texts from Kelly; when he doesn’t see any, Cas puts the phone on the coffee table and closes his eyes, rubbing his forehead. He senses Dean sitting down beside him and hears a sigh. Turning his face towards Dean, Cas just looks at him. His eyes observe the way time has made more freckles appear on Dean’s face. 

Dean notices him staring and, instead of saying anything or looking away, he returns his stare. The silence feels like a rubber band on the verge of snapping. The air between them is too thick. Too chaotic. Cas feels paralyzed. His heart is saying something but it's beating sound is too loud for him to listen to it. He hopes Dean is the first one to look away, to break off whatever that’s happening between them right now. Dean-

A loud _buzz_ of a phone vibrating startles both of them enough to make them jerk and look at the source of the sound. Dean’s phone which is laying on the couch between them is vibrating, indicating someone is calling. Sure enough, Sam’s name with his picture in the background is displayed on the screen. 

With a glance towards Cas, Dean picks it up and answers the call. 

“Sam.” Dean greets his little brother with a low murmur.

Cas hears Dean speaking to Sam in a low voice as he rests his head against the backrest. His arm which is laying on the couch touches Dean’s side but since Dean doesn’t seem to mind, he doesn’t move it. Gradually, the deep timbre of Dean’s voice and the warm feeling inside his chest, along with the touch of Dean’s body, lulls him to sleep. 


	18. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two steps forward just to take one step backwards...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Here's a shiny brand new chapter. It got fluff and of course ANGST. So enjoy it and don't forget to leave kudos and comments if you like what you read. Also thanks for the bookmarks and any other interactions with our story. <3

_ “...A string that pulled me _

_ Out of all the wrong arms, right into that dive bar _

_ Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire _

_ Chains around my demons _

_ Wool to brave the seasons _

_ One single thread of gold _

_ Tied me to you…” _

The first thing Dean feels after he comes out of the land of sleep is warmth. Heavy yet so comforting. He tries to get closer to it, feeling it soothe him and his soul. He holds it tighter, sighing softly. Then he hears a snore. A low deep snore, along with a tiny huff of hot air-  _ air? _ \- against his head. He opens his eyes, blinking against the blinding light pouring into the room through the long curtain-ess windows. Dean adjusts his sight and notices he’s still on the couch. The next thing he notices is the heavyweight on his head. Turning his face upwards, he sees a chin and a nose- a scruffy sharp chin that is attached to the body which is wrapped around him like a blanket. Arms clad in just a T-shirt holding his torso securely and legs covered by sweatpants tangled with his own legs. 

_ Cas. Castiel. _

Dean gasps loudly and stills, pressing his lips together, not wanting to wake Cas up. Slowly he unclasps his fingers from the hem of Cas’s T-shirt he’s been holding in his sleep. Licking his lips, Dean tries to untangle his legs and remove Cas’s hands from his body. But he’s unsuccessful since Cas grips him more tightly and snuggles closer.

Trying his best not to freak out, Dean tries to get away again. This time, he uses a bit of force which makes Cas frown in his sleep. 

_ Oh well _ , Dean thinks and yanks himself out of Cas’s grip. With a loud yelp, Cas sits up, hissing and blinking at the sudden burst of lights. On the other hand, Cas sitting up makes Dean fall down on the floor since, apparently, the couch is not big enough for two tall dudes.

“Ow.” Dean groans, massaging his hips which bumped with one of the coffee table legs. Cas rubs his eyes and looks down at Dean.

“What happened? And how am I still here- oh shit. I fell asleep, didn’t I?” Cas grimaces before looking sheepishly at Dean. With the bed head and the wrinkly clothes, along with the softness of his face, Cas looks like he’s home. But that’s not something Dean would like to tell him. Instead, he gets up and straightens his clothes. 

“It’s okay. You fell asleep and I didn’t wanna wake you up. Seemed like you were too deep in sleep. And, uh, I fell asleep with you, it seems. Though it wasn’t my intention. I was feeling too tired and just wanted to rest my eyes. I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable, I swear I-”

“Dean. Stop rambling. You don’t have to apologize. And it’s not the first time we fell asleep together.” Cas says with a tiny smile. He rubs one hand over his already messy hair, making it messier, and stands up beside Dean.

“So…” Dean trails off, not knowing what exactly to say to his...friend who he snuggled with on a couch all night and woke up all tangled with. 

Cas huffs out laughter, making Dean chuckle which makes him feel a bit better since inwardly Dean has been thinking he’s messed up.

“I think I should go… it’s already 8:30. Claire gets whiny if she doesn’t see me for too long.” Cas says, glancing at his phone he’s picked up from the coffee table.

“Yeah… yeah sure. Uh, thanks for coming over. It- I-” Dean pauses, rubbing the back of his neck, “-I really felt better after talking to you.” Dean smiles, feeling lighter than ever. Cas nods with a warm look which makes Dean’s heart flutter. 

“Can I hug you?” Cas asks after a moment. Dean just nods in response. With one step, Cas comes to stand in front of him and wraps his arms around Dean’s back. In turn, Dean folds his arms around Cas’s neck and buries his face at the crook of Cas’s neck, inhaling deeply. He ignores the urge to lay a kiss on the skin at the back of Cas’s neck though it’s too tempting. Cas slowly pulls away from the hug. Dean worries that maybe this is too much for him, but when Dean gazes up, Cas is smiling. 

“I have to go, but you know you can call me if you need someone, if you need anything, I’m here,” Cas says gently. 

Dean nods, pulling his hands away and back to himself, “Thanks, Cas. Like seriously, thank you.”

Cas smiles again, grabbing his stuff and heading over to the door. Dean follows slowly, watching as Cas leaves without another word or a single glance back at him.

For the rest of the day, Dean can’t concentrate. Dean fumbles around in his loft, trying to find shit to do, but all he can think about is Cas. The way Cas held onto him, even in his sleep. The way they just fell asleep together on the fucking couch which is too small, to begin with. The way, for a split second, it felt normal to wake up to Cas again. Nevertheless, Dean tries NOT to think about the way Cas stared at him with his bed hair and confused expression. It took everything in Dean not to kiss him right there and then. 

Dean cleans up his loft, throwing away the empty beer bottles. He has the day off but he doesn’t know what to do with it. If anything, Dean is itching to get back to work. He’s conflicted. He wants to return to work, that he loves and misses, but after losing Benny, Dean isn’t so sure he trusts himself fully yet. 

He needs to talk to someone. Someone who gets it. 

Dean reaches for the phone, stopping at Cas’s number.  _ I’ve bothered him enough already, _ Dean thinks as he keeps scrolling until he reaches another. Lee. 

“Dean! My man. How are you?” Lee answers the call, his manly comforting voice making Dean smile a bit.

“Hey, Lee. I’m...Are you free to talk now?” Dean asks. 

“Sure. And I... heard about Benny. I’m so sorry.”

Yeah...I’m, uh, not doing so well right now, to be honest.”

When Lee reassures Dean that he’s got all the time in the world, Dean spills everything, losing Benny, the building collapsing, how unsure he is about everything. But he doesn’t bring up Cas. He doesn’t talk about Cas coming over, getting takeaway, or them falling asleep together. 

Lee listens intently, “Dean, listen to me. This ain’t your fault. Bad shit happens to good people, and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe you oughta take some days off, figure out if you’re ready to go back to work. I think everyone will understand.”

Dean nods even though he knows Lee can’t see him, “Yeah, maybe. Thanks, Lee. So, are you still in town?” 

“Not right now but I’ll be returning in a few days. When I get back, we should get together like the good ol’ days, have a drink, you know? I think it’ll be good to get you out and about,” Lee says. 

Dean laughs a bit, “Yeah, that sounds awesome. I’ll see you soon then.”

Dean feels much better, lighter, after his call with Lee. Lee is one of those friends that Dean knows he can talk about anything with, because Lee gets it. He doesn’t judge or make him feel like shit. He listens and accepts him with all his many flaws and Dean is grateful for that.

**March 2007**

_ It’s been a month since Dean and Cas sealed the deal and they have been closer than ever. Dean enjoys having Cas to himself. He enjoys holding his hand at school, or kissing him in the library where no one can see them, or sending Cas flirty messages during class. Some people around them, of course, don't approve, especially his football squad. They often try to get in between Dean and Cas sometimes, so much so to the point where Dean gets pissed off and has to tell them to fuck off. Lee, one of Dean’s much cooler friends, comes by sometimes during their lunch breaks. Cas doesn’t mind. He is confident in his relationship with Dean but for whatever reason, Cas and Lee just never get on.  _

_ However, Cas becomes aware of how Dean has been spending more and more time with Lee, sometimes canceling dinner dates or skipping classes. At first, Cas doesn’t think too much of it. But when one day, Dean skips out on a football training session, which he never does, Cas realizes something isn’t quite right.  _

_ *** _

_ Dean doesn’t know how to tell Cas the truth. The truth that his entire family is falling apart right before his eyes. His parents fight more often than not, arguing over Dean’s future. Dean hears them yelling at each other through his walls, about how John wants Dean to work in the garage so they can send Sam to college. But his mother wants Dean to have a higher education. When the nights get colder than usual, Dean presses the pillows between his ears and hides inside his blanket and goes to sleep. Sam pretends to ignore how their family is slowly becoming dysfunctional. _

_ Dean knows he will end up in the garage anyway. Dad always wins the arguments. And anyway, he wants Sammy to go to college too, and they can’t afford to send both brothers to college.  _

_ Sometimes Dean doesn’t know how to handle everything. Plastering on a happy cheerful mask for his loving boyfriend is difficult and draining. That’s when he calls Lee. Dean and Lee have always been close, and Dean couldn’t carry the weight on his own anymore, so he has told Lee everything. Lee has been more than supportive, offering a shoulder to cry on whenever Dean needed it.  _

_ One noon, Dean returns home, skipping football training for the first time in a while. Lee follows Dean close behind and closes the door.  _

_ “I’m not doing this  _ again _ with you, John!” Mary yells from the kitchen. Dean flinches at the loud voices.  _

_ “Let’s go upstairs. Or we can go to a coffee shop-” Lee offers, placing a calming hand on Dean’s shoulder.  _

_ “No. I need to be home when Sammy returns,” Dean replies in a whisper, shaking his head.  _

_ They climb up the stairs and go to Dean's room as quickly as they can without making a sound since grabbing Sam and Dean's parents' attention isn't something they want to deal with right now. It’s showing 3:15 pm on the small bedside alarm clock on Dean's room, which means Sam will be coming home in 15 minutes.  _

_ Dean throws his bag to the floor, sighing and closing the door tightly. Lee watches Dean as they both sit at the edge of Dean’s bed.  _

_ “Have you told Cas about all this?” Lee asks, fumbling with the bead bracelets wrapped around his wrist _

_ Dean shakes his head, “I don’t know how to tell him. Cas talks about how we’ll go to college together and I don’t have the heart to tell him I won’t be joining him.”  _

_ “But he loves you. And sooner or later, he’ll figure out something isn’t right. He’s smart you know,” Lee says.  _

_ “Yeah. I just- right now I’m focused on keeping Sammy out of all of this,” Dean says quietly.  _

_ They sit in silence, Dean watching the afternoon sun rays peek into his room.  _

_ “Dean, maybe my uncle can help. He’s a lawyer, after all,” Lee advises.  _

_ Dean stares at Lee, blinking, “My parents aren’t getting divorced, Lee. They’re just… going through a rough patch.” _

_ Lee nods sympathetically, “I know. But if you need legal advice, we’re here for you. My family loves you anyway.” _

_ Dean smiles weakly, “Thanks, man.”  _

_ A few minutes pass by when Dean hears the front door being opened. He sprints down the stairs, catching up to Sam. Sam looks at Dean confused, his eyes trailing to their kitchen.  _

_ “Come on, Sammy. Let’s go upstairs,” Dean says quickly.  _

_ But he’s too late. John storms out of the kitchen, his face red as a beetroot and his eyes fall on Sam and Dean, and then later, Lee.  _

_ “Sam. Dean. Your mother and I would like to talk to you,” John says, completely ignoring Lee.  _

_ Dean stands in front of his brother like a shield, “Sammy’s got homework, dad.”  _

_ John stares at Dean, his cold eyes burning into Dean’s soul. John reaches around him and grabs Sam’s wrist forcefully. Dean doesn’t think twice about following them both into the kitchen while Lee stays behind.  _

_ Mary looks completely worn out, but her face softens as she sees her boys.  _

_ “Hey mom,” Dean says, trying to smile.  _

_ “So as you’re both probably aware, your mother and I are facing some financial difficulties. My job isn’t enough to sustain you both,” John starts.  _

_ “I can find a job!” Dean interrupts quickly, earning him a cold look from his father.  _

_ “Be quiet.” Dean shuts up, glancing sideways at Sam to make sure he’s okay.  _

_ “I’m trying my best to save up, but it’s clear that it’s not enough to send you BOTH to college,” John says, watching the way Dean straightens his back nodding, “So we agreed that after you both finish school, Dean will work in my garage and Sam can go to college.”  _

_ Sam steps forward to protest but Dean stops him, shaking his head,  _ Don’t argue with dad, Sammy. 

_ So instead, Sam turns to their mother, “Mom, are you okay with this?”  _

_ Dean looks at his mother, hopeful.  _

_ Mary sighs, closing her eyes, “It’s the best we can do. Dean will earn money working in the garage so he can save up and go to college later if he wants.”  _

_ “That sounds fair,” Dean nods.  _

_ But Sam’s not having any of it, “Fair?? Are you kidding me?”  _

_ Dean turns to face his brother, “It’s okay, Sam.” _

_ “No it’s not! You’re treating Dean as if he’s some idiot. He’s not! Dean’s smarter than I am. He doesn’t even put half the effort I do and he still aces his classes! Dean deserves an equal chance!” Sam fires back. Dean feels a sense of pride as he watches his little brother, his annoying and sassy little brother, standing up for him.  _

_ But Dean’s pride falls away when he sees John’s eyes flare up as he takes a step towards Sam, “Watch your tone with me, boy.” _

_ Dean pushes Sam back instinctively. Dean has felt the bitter ice-cold end of John’s anger and rage and he knows better.  _

_ “Dad, it’s okay,” Dean says, “Really. I’d be happy to work in the garage with you.”  _

_ John doesn’t say anything else, so Mary asks the boys upstairs to do their homework. Dean finds Lee waiting with a sympathetic and discontent expression in his room. Neither of them says a word.  _

_ Days pass since the argument, and it’s getting no better. John comes home drunk most days, the stress of trying to keep his family afloat getting the best of him. Sometimes he collapses onto the couch with the bottle in his hand. But other days, he would yell at Dean for being a wretched mistake. Some days, it would get violent. John throwing his bottle at Dean’s head, missing his target by inches just because he’s not sober enough. Mary coming in to stop them and failing. But when John passes out, the first thing Dean does is check up on his brother. As long as Sammy’s safe, nothing else matters. Dean’s dark days are brightened with Cas’s smiles and kisses. Cas feels that something is wrong, especially after he sees a cut on Dean’s head. Dean just laughs it off, saying he fell down the stairs and bumped into the railing, but he doubts Cas knows he’s lying. Cas never pushes for answers and believes that Dean will tell him when he’s ready. Lee comes in every now and again, checking up on Dean, asking if he needs any help. Dean always says no. At school, Dean puts on a brave face, flirting with Cas, and smiling and laughing with his friends. But at home, he’s falling and there’s no one to catch him.  _

**November 2019**

Benny’s funeral is held two days after Cas leaves his place. It rains enough to hide his tears as he pours soil on top of Benny’s grave. After the funeral is over, he and his teammates go back to the station and decide to celebrate the life of Benny Laffite by drinking his favorite brandy instead of mourning. Charlie tries to joke about how it tastes like death but bursts into tears which makes Donna tear up too and Dean has to be the one to console them both by hugging them tightly enough, hoping it soothes them. Cas doesn’t call nor does Dean. Maybe they need a bit of space after unexpectedly spending the night together, even though Dean misses him like hell.

Dean holds Lee to that drink. Lee drives back to town on a bright Wednesday morning and calls Dean to meet him that night. Dean eagerly tries to finish his work as early as possible but that’s much easier said than done when you’re trying to safely maneuver a woman with a beach umbrella stick impaling into her chest. At moments like these, Dean wonders what his life is, as he guides the woman into the helicopter alongside Donna, Charlie, and Sarah. But the fact that as long as he works, his mind doesn’t think about the fact Benny isn’t here anymore makes Dean concentrate on his work even more, and since soon his replacement will come to work, Dean will just have to take the responsibilities which he used to share with Benny onto his own hands till then.

Dean grabs his jacket and keys to his beloved impala and rushes out the door, saying a quick goodbye to his friends. Charlie stops him at the gate. 

“What’s the rush, Dean-o?” She asks, a mischievous grin on her face 

Dean rolls his eyes, “I’m meeting a friend for drinks. Now scram.” 

“You have… other  _ friends? _ ” Charlie teases him, “Is it that beautiful blue-eyed angel you’ve been seeing?” 

“It’s not Cas, you little shit. Now go get laid or something, I have plans,” Dean smirks, ruffling Charlie’s hair- much to her protesting- and slides into the car, twisting the keys. 

Dean arrives at Swazye’s bar. It’s only 7 pm but the sun has already set well below the horizon and the red and orange color disappears from the sky as it slowly darkens. Lee finds Dean the moment he enters the bar, swinging his arms around Dean’s neck. 

“DEAN!” He yells over the music. Dean just laughs and greets his friend happily. Lee drags him to the bar, ordering them two shots of whiskey each. They down the shots, hissing as the fire scratches their throats. 

“How have you been, old friend?” Lee asks, slamming his shot glass down on the canopy surface of the long bartop much to the black-haired bartender's chagrin. The music switches and the noises from the crowd become louder. 

“I’m getting by,” Dean just replies, with a smile, but Lee sees through the smile with ease. 

“I’m sorry about Benny,” Lee says, watching as Dean’s face slowly falls. Hearing Benny's name still feels like a pinch on his heart. Lee orders another round of whiskey and they drink in Benny’s memory. Dean sighs. 

“I know it’s not my fault, everyone keeps reminding me, but it still feels like it is. Like I should have saved him,” Dean mutters. 

“You can’t save everyone, my friend,” Lee says, which reminds Dean how Cas said almost exactly the same thing. Lee watches the dull pale look on Dean’s face and pats his back. 

“Come on, man. Time to get that gorgeous smile of yours back,” Lee smirks, taking Dean’s hand and dragging him to the stage where the live band is already setting up the mics, guitars, and drum set. Dean sighs, but he doesn’t stop Lee when Lee hands him a mic. 

“Just like the good ol’ days,” Lee smiles nodding. Dean chuckles a little,  _ typical Lee. _

***

Cas leans back on his chair, rubbing his two-day scruff with one hand while the other fidgets with a pen laying on his expansive office table. 

It’s 6:30 pm and he still has some reports to check. However, his mind is in chaos. It’s been like that ever since he left Dean’s place. He wanted to call, to do something but he couldn’t. Not when he almost kissed him on the lip. Not when he broke the promise he made to himself about how he’d protect himself from the heartache associated with the man with beautiful green eyes and bright soul.

A knock on the door pulls Castiel out of reverie. He calls out a "come in" and sits straight. Inias steps inside the cabin and closes the door behind him. Earlier he informed him about the problem Bartholomew Baker has been creating. He made an unexpected and unwelcome return, spewing lies about Castiel’s business. He threatened to publish an article about the bullshit Luke brewed up years ago, but Cas managed to talk him down and by ‘talk him down’, he means Cas had to threaten him to spill all about Baker’s dirty laundry to the world if he doesn’t back off. It’s a lie because Cas doesn’t have anything but what Baker doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

Cas is exhausted. But more than that, Cas misses Dean. 

“Castiel, you should go home,” Inias informs him, standing at the doorway with his hands together. 

Cas looks up from his desk, “I will in a bit. I just have some paperwork to wrap up. You can go home now, Inias.” 

Inias takes a few steps forward, “Castiel, you’ve been so busy over the past few days with that wretched Bartholomew Baker. Please get some rest.” Inias bows a little out of respect for his boss and turns around to leave the office but Cas stops him.

“I’ll come to the office tomorrow a bit late,” Cas says quickly. Inias nods and leaves the office.

Cas pushes his massive stack of files away from him. Grabbing his pack of cigarettes, he walks to the window and opens it so that the smoke can flow out into the air. After his second cigarette, Cas is still agitated and stressed. He grabs his coat and keys, and without bothering to clean up his desk, he leaves the office. 

Cas goes to his usual bar, hoping maybe the liquor might help him calm down a little. Cas knows the bartender well. Hayley is in her mid-twenties, with coal-black curls bouncing off her shoulders. Cas likes her, she knows Cas well enough to know what type of drink he’s looking for. So when he slams his ass down on the stool, Hayley slides the glass to his twitchy fingers. 

“It’s one of those nights, huh, Castiel?” Hayley asks. 

Cas smiles weakly nodding, “Thanks, Hayley.” She smiles in return. 

Cas drowns out the music, staring at the glass, his mind racing faster than he can keep up. What if Bartholomew becomes a problem? What if he tries to undermine him again? What should he do? Should he tell Michael? What about Dean? Maybe he should call him.

Cas finishes the drink, quickly ordering another. 

He stands up, a little off balance. The music ends and, grimacing, Cas finally looks at the singers on the stage since one of the voice singing sounds too familiar. That’s when his head spins. He’s not sure if it's the alcohol finally taking effect or if it's the piercing green eyes staring at him. He stares at Dean,  _ his _ Dean, who is on stage, arms wrapped around another man. Cas’s eyes shift to the man and his heart drops down to his stomach. He feels sick and the glass easily slips out of his grip, vaguely he muses how it just falls down on the wooden floor and breaks into thousand pieces just like the piece of muscles in his ribs which still _feels_ for the man who's standing merely a few feet away. 

***

Dean watches as the glass falls out of Cas’s hand, and shatters on the floor. Cas isn’t watching him anymore. His eyes- the eyes which looked at him with love and affection once upon a time, now hardened and broadened, are firmly on Lee. Dean lets go of his friend. The crowds’ cheer fades away as tunnel vision forms towards the man he standing in a small distance. Cas’s widened eyes shift back up to Dean’s shocked ones. 

Cas turns his back to Dean and moves toward the exit. Dean starts calling out his name. 

“Cas, Cas! Cas, wait!” Dean rushes past the crowd which is a bit difficult since he’s drunk and the people keep blocking his path. 

“Cas!” Thankfully, Dean reaches him and gets a hold of Cas’s right wrist, forcing him to turn around.

Cas stares at Dean, a look so cold and unforgiving that it breaks Dean. 

“Cas, listen-” Dean starts but Cas yanks his hand away without a word.

“Cas!” Dean calls out again, but Cas is already at the door. 

Dean looks back at Lee and when he turns around, Castiel is gone. 

***

Castiel stammers out of the bar, and into his car. He stays there with his head in his hands. While his heart wants Dean to come to him and explain why, of all the people Dean knows,  _ Lee  _ has to be the one he chooses to get drunk with and spend time together in a bar,  _ singing karaoke _ , his intoxicated brain hopes Dean doesn’t knock on his car window. He doesn’t. After a few failed attempts, Cas manages to start the engine and drive back to his home, hoping police don't arrest him for drunk driving. 


	19. Chapter Eighteen (Part i)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More reasons for Cas to doubt his love in the past while in the present he gets invited to a get-together by someone close to Dean...Can Dean handle it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy guys! First of all, 100 KUDOS! YAY! Thanks a lot, guys it means so much to us. We hope you keep liking our story.   
> Just like the title says, this chapter is one of the two parts of the ch 19. We wanted to post the whole chapter, but it's too long. Hence, two parts. We hope you enjoy it as much as we enjoyed writing it. Kudos and comments are much appreciated ;)
> 
> Trigger Warning: mild description of the aftermath of a car crash

_“...I don't want your body_

_But I hate to think about you with somebody else_

_Our love has gone cold_

_You're intertwining your soul with somebody else_

_I'm looking through you while you're looking through your phone_

_And then leaving with somebody else_

_No, I don't want your body_

_But I'm picturing your body with somebody else…”_

>> _Cas lemme explain._

>> _Cas._

_ >> Cas talk to me _

_ >> Cas call me back please _

_ >> please _

_ >> cas _

Cas stares at the texts on his phone while rubbing his head. Waking up hungover and seeing 6 missed calls, 2 voicemails and 5 messages from one person who unintentionally has dug out the old wound in his heart isn’t something Cas wants or needs in his life right now. It’s Thursday and Claire will be up soon for her school. His daughter needs him to be sober and practical. So he doesn’t respond to any of the texts or checks the voicemails, even though it fucking _hurts_. Castiel gets up from his bed, still wearing the clothes from the previous night, and goes to the washroom to take a long scathing hot shower to clear his body- since it's smelling like shit- and his head.

Soon, Claire is awake and done with her breakfast while Cas guzzles down hot black coffee without any sugar, hoping its bitterness makes the headache lower its power. 

He goes to drop Claire at school, his aviators preventing him from flinching at the brightness of the sunlight. Castiel ignores the stare of the people around him as he goes back to the car because he knows how he looks- messy hair, a black shirt with black dress pants, and an aviator covering his eyes. He didn’t bother to take the suit jacket with him before getting out of the house since he’s not in the mood to be Castiel Novak the businessman today. He’s just a hungover man in his early 30s whose heart started to ache in the same way it did 12 years ago. He deserves a break.

**March 2007**

_Cas texts Dean, asking if he wants to meet him at the park. But he doesn’t get a reply. Not after several minutes or after even an hour. Cas frowns as he checks his phone. Nothing from Dean._

_Feeling heavy hearted, Cas grabs grey his sweatshirt and puts it on while running down the stairs of his home. He’s about to get out of the door when his father stops him._

_“Castiel, where are you going?”_

_“Meeting Dean.” Cas’s father presses his lips together, not saying anything. But Cas knows how he’s not too happy with Dean being his boyfriend, even though his father never actually said anything to indicate if he hates Dean or not._

_Not waiting for his father’s answer, Cas walks out of the house, shutting the door behind him._

_A while later, he’s walking down the street, staring at the screen of his phone when he sees a_ very _familiar black car parked outside a diner across the street._

Baby. _It’s Dean’s baby, the Impala. Which obviously means he’s at the diner._ Probably stuffing his face with a pie, _Cas thinks affectionately. This diner sells ‘the best fucking pies a human can make’ according to Dean._

_Castiel crosses the road and is about to open the door of the diner when his eyes fall on one of the windows of the establishment. And...his heart drops._

_Dean is sitting in the booth at the back of the diner with his hands linked together on the top of the table while..._ freaking _Lee is sitting close beside him- way too close for Cas's taste. It makes Cas’s heart hurt and his hands clench. He swallows hard. He doesn’t know what to do. Should he go inside and ask Dean why he’s not responding to his texts_ or _calls? Or should he go away and pretend he just didn’t see his boyfriend hanging out with another person while ignoring him?_

 _As he muses over his thoughts, his eyes follow the way Lee says something and puts a hand on Dean’s shoulder, who looks at him with a soft smile. Cas’s breath hitches. It’s the_ same _goddamn smile Dean gave him when he gave him a painting of their hands intertwined._

_Cas takes two steps back, bumping into a senior citizen who’s entering the diner. Absentmindedly, he apologizes to the person and shifts to the side. Looking up he realizes Dean's eyes on him. He has noticed him._

_Jumping up from his seat in a second, Dean starts to move towards the door, looking pale with wide eyes as if he's caught going something he shouldn't do. However, Cas doesn’t stay put. He_ cannot. _As quickly as he can, Cas goes away, pretending he can’t hear how Dean keeps calling out his name loudly enough to make people turn heads in his direction._

_Castiel takes a different route to his home so that Dean can’t follow him. He ignores his phone which has already started to vibrate in his pant pocket. He just concentrates on walking home and how his heart aches as if someone using it as a punching bag._

**November 2019**

In the last week of November, Cas is at the grocery store to buy things he’s gonna need to make thanksgiving dinner. Only four days are left and he doesn’t wanna leave last-minute shopping after Claire’s school break starts. Claire and he are invited to the thanksgiving dinner at Gabriel’s place this year. Last year was Michael’s turn and next year will be his. Cas decided to make two casseroles- one vegan for Michael and one non-vegan for the rest of the family.

Right now he’s staring at the shelf of spices, thinking which ones to buy when a hand touches on his shoulder. Startled, Cas whips around to see Sam Winchester standing there with a half-filled shopping cart. 

“Sam. Hey, you almost gave me a heart attack.” Cas says, smiling a bit. Despite his constant push and pull drama with Dean, Sam had always been kind and a good friend to him. 

“Hi, and sorry for the scare,” Sam says, smiling sheepishly, “Anyways how are you? And how’s your daughter doing?” 

“I’m okay and Claire is doing well. How’s your life going? Found any job you like?”

The last time they saw each other was at Claire’s birthday and later on Dean didn’t say much about Sam. 

“Uh yes actually. Had an interview last Monday and yesterday they told me I can join after Thanksgiving break.”

“Wow. Congrats. I knew you could do it. Which company is it anyway?”

“It’s an NGO for homeless families.”

“That’s great.” Cas smiles softly. Sam smiles in response. 

Oh, how time has passed. Cas still remembers Sam being all small and lanky, trying to get good grades and now he’s a young man who’s gonna work to help people in need. His mother would be so proud. Speaking of Mary, he realizes he didn’t get to ask Dean or Sam about Mary or John whenever they met.

“How’re your parents doing? I forgot to ask about them before,” Cas asks Sam, whose face loses its smile instantly.

Cas’s heart clenches. “Are- are they dea-”

“What? No. They are alive...well as far as Dean and I know.” Sam mumbles the last part with a frown.

Cas tilts his head in confusion. Sam sighs and runs a hand over his shoulder-length hair.

“Well after Dean graduated high school, they separated. Dad went god knows where. He just sends an email a few times a year. Doesn’t even mention where he is or what he's doing. And mom...well she stayed with us till I graduated high school. Then took off. Now she’s living in Maine. Works in a diner. She doesn’t call that much. The last time she called was around June.”

Cas’s jaws drop. _Separated?_ They seemed okay when Dean and he were... together. Maybe he was too engrossed with his life to notice it. But now is probably too late to say anything to Dean. _He’s got Lee anyway,_ Cas thoughts bitterly.

“I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t know that they had problems.”

“Nah, it’s okay. No one except our family...well _almost_ no one knew about it. They were good at pretending to be a happy couple,” Sam says, grimacing.

Cas ignores the almost part since he doesn’t wanna dig any more old graves. Sam is looking like he’s not enjoying talking about it so he lets it go.

“I better go. I need some more stuff for thanksgiving,” Cas says, about to turn his shopping cart when Sam stops him.

“Cas, I’m throwing a get-together for finally getting a job; it’s two days before Thanksgiving and I want you to come,” Sam tells him with a smile.

Cas bits his lower lip. On one hand, he wants to celebrate Sam’s success. But on the other hand, the man he doesn’t wanna see would be there. Of course, he would be there since it’s his brother who’s got the job.

Sam seems to sense his hesitation.

“Please, Cas. I’d be very happy if you come. You were my friend too, you know. I missed you. I dunno why you and Dean broke up but I think it’s been years since all that, so you should be able to be comfortable. Please?” Sam Winchester might be a few inches taller than six feet and in his mid-twenties but he can still do the puppy eyes he used to do when he was a scrawny teenager. Cas couldn’t resist it then and he can’t resist it now either. Rolling his eyes, Cas just nods, earning a big smile from the younger Winchester. Sam hugs him though it’s a bit difficult with shopping carts between them. Thanking him, Sam steps back and greets him goodbye; he turns around and goes away, dragging his cart with him.

Sighing, Cas goes back to stare at the shelf, still not knowing which spice to buy.

***

Dean spends the next day sulking. Once he realized Cas wasn’t going to respond to his string of messages or calls, he stopped. Charlie swings her arms over Dean’s shoulder, smiling sympathetically. 

“Why the pouty face, bud?” She asks carefully. 

Ignoring the 'pouty face' comment since he's _not_ pouting, Dean sighs, stuffing his phone back into his pockets, “Nothing new. Just me fucking up again, you know, the usual.” 

Charlie squints, “Cas?” 

“Yeah. I- I fucked up, again, and I think he’s pissed but he won’t call or text me back so I just- I don’t know,” Dean says through gritted teeth. He knows he shouldn’t be this angry, but he desperately wants to explain everything to Cas and that is hard to do since Cas has gone MIA. 

It’s only a few minutes later when the sirens go off and Charlie almost trips, rushing down the stairs. Donna informs them it’s a serious one, a major car accident. Charlie squirms as they all pile into the fire trucks, sirens blazing as they rush down the long stretches of road. 

Donna was right. Dean stares at the wreckage, gaping. 

“Oh my god,” Charlie whispers from behind him. 

“What the-” Garth mutters. 

They stare in unison at the mess in front of them. All the other cars have come to a halt. There is one car, windshield shattered, with a massive long metal rod sticking into the passenger. Donna snaps them back into attention and they hurry to check the situation. 

“You two okay?” Garth asks. There is a man, maybe in his late twenties wearing a plaid shirt with blood trickling down the side of his head. He nods weakly. 

“I’m-” The man coughs violently, “I’m fine, but my girlfriend-” he coughs again as Sarah pulls open the driver’s door, rushing to check on him. Charlie leans over the girl in the passenger’s seat. Her eyes meet Dean’s as they both share a moment of _‘What-the-fuck’_. The girl is somehow still conscious, but just about. The metal rod has pierced her left shoulder, luckily avoiding any vital organs. Donna peaks a worried look. 

“Dean, get the Jaws of Life.” 

Dean nods once, rushing to grab the large jaws that looked like massive crocodile clips, to be honest. They use the Jaws of Life to break open both doors. Sarah informs the man he is stable and relatively unharmed. But the girl… 

“Captain, what do we do? The pole is sticking out of the back of the seat… how do we get her out? Do we take out the entire seat?” Garth asks. Albeit his never-ending questions, he is calm and collected. 

Donna nods, “Yes, we’ll take out the entire seat and take her directly to the hospital. Let them figure out the best way to get this pole out. I don’t want to take any risks at the moment.” 

They all agree this was the best choice. Dean helps the man out of the seat first, gripping his hand and waist tightly as he leads him to the wheelchair. 

The man quickly grabs Dean’s arm, “Please. Save my girl. Please, save her. She’s my whole world.” 

Dean stares at the man, using all his strength not to let his emotions get the better of him, “Yes sir. We will save her, I promise. You just look after yourself okay?” 

The man nods slowly, watching Dean as he turns around to rush back to the scene. Just as Dean moves past a line of vehicles standing still, he could have sworn he saw a flash of very familiar blue eyes at the corner of his eyes. Dean shakes his head, _Focus Dean._

“Captain,” Garth calls out, “Ready?” They prepare the tools and slowly manage to break apart the seat from the mainframe of the car. Charlie and Sarah keep a steady eye on the girl, making sure she’s… well… alive. The pole knocks into the frame of the car, moving slightly and a surge of blood pours out of the girl’s shoulder.

“Woah, okay, everyone, stop!” Donna orders. Charlie holds her breath as her delicate fingers fumble to stop the bleeding. She glances at Sarah, who exhales and nods in response. They were okay. 

“Careful, now,” Donna says. They pull the seat out, successfully, with the girl alive and breathing. Dean helps lift the seat, maneuvering her over to the ambulance. Everyone pitches in to help and when the job is done, Dean is ready to pass out from exhaustion. 

“Fucking hell,” Charlie sighs, taking off her rubber gloves. 

“She’ll be okay, right?” Dean asks, eyeing the ambulance as it drives away. 

Charlie places a hand on Dean’s shoulder, “I believe so. Are you okay?” 

Dean nods, removing his gloves hastily. He glances back up and sees the blue eyes watching him from the crowd. 

“Cas!” Dean calls out, but it’s too late. The blue eyes turn away. 

Dean curses under his breath, discarding the gloves rapidly, and starts following Cas. 

“Cas!” People stare at Dean like he’s lost his mind. Dean almost believes he actually has. 

Dean quickly reaches Cas, gripping his arm tightly this time. 

“Cas, we gotta talk,” Dean says quickly. 

Cas sighs, turning around, “Dean, I have to go.” 

“Please, give me like five minutes to explain what you saw that day-” 

Cas yanks his arm away, avoiding Dean’s pleading eyes, “I _said_ , I have to go.” His voice is as hard as his eyes are right now which Dean hates.

Dean doesn’t give up, his feet moving faster than his mind, “Sam invited you, right?” He rushes to stand in front of Cas, blocking his path. Cas stops, glancing down. Dean watches the way his fists clench, but then Cas just exhales loudly and nods, “Yes.”

“I’ll explain everything, I swear,” Dean says quietly. Cas doesn’t say anything, just tightens his jaws. Pushing past Dean, he walks away towards his car. And this time, Dean lets him. 

Dean glances back up to see Charlie and Donna watching him. Charlie looks concerned while Donna is giving him an extremely confused look.

 _I’m in so much shit,_ Dean thinks as he moves his feet and hurries back to his team. 

***

>> _Rocky’s Bar, 6 pm the day after tomorrow. Don’t be late. :))_

_ << Okay, Sam. _

Cas absentmindedly replies to Sam and keeps his phone face down on the surface of his office desk. Leaning back he sighs. He has a conference call within an hour but his mood is not good enough to stay focused. 

On one side, he’s happy to be a part of Sam’s celebration but on the other side, Dean will be there. And if… _Lee_ also goes to the get-together? Cas doesn’t know how he will react. He cannot even comprehend how he would feel. Frustrated, Cas runs a hand over his messy hair. 

Around lunchtime, Cas is about to walk out of the office to get coffee from the cafe across the street when his phone variates, indicating a text message, inside his suit pocket. Stepping inside the elevator, he presses the G button and takes out his phone.

Castiel raises an eyebrow as he sees Balthazar’s name on his phone screen. He opens the messaging app to check what his friend has sent him. He squints as he reads. 

>> _hey Cassie wht r u doing @ thnksgving brk?_

Castiel gets out of the elevator and walks out through the revolving door of the building. 

Stopping in front of the crosswalk, Cas replies.

<< _Firstly, text properly. I had to read it thrice to understand what you wrote. And secondly, we are going to Gabriel’s house. Gonna stay the weekend over there._

Cas crosses the road with one hand holding his phone while the other is stuffed inside his pant pocket.

Balthazar replies a few minutes after when Cas is waiting for his coffee to be ready.

>> _I’ll cll u ltr._

Trust Balthazar to stop the conversation abruptly. Cas huffs, knowing Balthazar deliberately sent the annoyingly contracted words just to irritate him. He rolls his eyes and patiently waits in the line for his order.

It’s 5 pm in the afternoon when Cas gets the call from his friend.

“Hello, Balthazar.”

“Bonjour Cassie, how’s it hanging?” Balthazar replies cheerfully. Cas almost rolls his eyes at the french greeting. Trust Balthazar to not let go of his french side even though it's been _years_ since he's left France to move to the USA before leaving to go to England after a few years.

“Uh...it’s going okay I guess.” Cas shrugs even though he knows his friend can’t see him right now.

“What’s with the tone? Did something happen? You can share it with your friend.” Cas feels a bit soft at Balthazar’s concerned voice. It seems distance didn’t hinder their friendship. So he decides to tell Balthazar about… everything. Thanks to one drunken night with Balthazar when he was in the country, he already knows about Cas’s high school incident… which includes Dean. So when Castiel proceeds to tell Balthazar about how Dean has returned to his life, Balthazar curses and gets all nosy, just like Cas expected him to be.

“...and that’s how I got invited to his brother’s get-together. I dunno if I can handle seeing him, especially if he’s around Lee,” Cas concludes his explanation and sighs, waiting for his friend to reply.

“Huh. This is like some B-rated drama movie. Anyways, maybe you should go. And if that douche fellow goes too, ignore that ass and get drunk. Just like old times.”

Cas rolls his eyes, “You sound like I get drunk almost every night. I don’t even drink that much.” 

“Yeah yeah. Are you gonna take my advice or not, Cassie?” Balthazar coons from the other end of the phone. 

“Fine fine-”

“Brilliant,” Balthazar cuts him off, “So I gotta go now. Got some business to handle.” The way Balthazar said the word _business,_ Cas knows it doesn’t involve clothes. He grimaces and greets his friend goodbye, ending the call.

***

Dean paces when he’s nervous. He bits his nails when he’s anxious. He curses absentmindedly when he’s worried. And now he is doing _all_ three when Sam enters the kitchen with a few beers. 

“Dean, what is it?” Sam asks nonchalantly, as he places the beers in the fridge. 

Dean grits his teeth, “Rocky’s Bar? Really Sam?” 

Sam blinks, a little lost, “What’s wrong with Rocky’s? The drinks are great and it’s your favorite-” 

“Lee is a regular there! And you wanted me to invite him? _After_ you invited Cas? Do you want me to die??” Dean almost shrieks, his voice turning high pitched as it did when he got frustrated. 

Sam sighs, walking up to his flustered brother, “Listen, Dean, I understand why you’re freaking out. But you’re both adults now. You’ll have to either face this shit head-on or move on like the _adults_ that you are.” 

Dean wants to scream, “You didn’t see his face in the bar. You didn’t see how fucking _broken_ he looked. I’ve seen that look before Sam. He’s- he’s gonna be so fucking _pissed_ when he sees Lee.” 

“Cas never knew about what happened with mum and dad, right?” Sam asks, his eyes turning dark as his tone changes. 

Dean shakes his head, “It’s a little too late to explain all that now. All Cas sees is Lee. He’s gonna think Lee and I- that I went back to him when _I didn’t_.” 

Sam watches Dean carefully, noticing the way Dean bites his lips restlessly. 

“Then tell him that.”

Dean gazes at Sam as if someone slapped him, “What?” 

“Tell Cas that you aren’t ‘going back to Lee’” Sam says, using air-quotes, “Tell him that you and Lee are friends as you have always been and that Cas is different. He always has been.” 

Dean lowers his head, taking a sudden interest in his shoes. 

“Cas is just afraid to get hurt again, Dean,” Sam says quietly, “But he’s not fragile. He’s strong and resilient and patient. He will listen to you.” 

Dean nods, remaining quiet. Sam sighs, patting his brother’s back before falling into the couch. Dean closes his eyes. _Sam’s right. Of course, he’s right. He’s always right,_ Dean thinks internally; he doesn’t say it out loud since Sam gloating is one of the worst things right after Justin Bieber.

‘Doom’s Day’- as Dean calls the day of Sam’s celebration- rolls around. Dean glances at his phone, staring at the date and time. It’s today. Sam’s celebration is today. He’s going to see Cas again today. Dean closes his eyes and silently prays he doesn’t fuck this up more than he already has. But a voice inside him tells him praying won’t do shit now. Not anymore.

Dean goes to work and tries his best to not look as terrified and anxious as he feels inside. As the minutes on the clock tick by, Dean feels his anxiety engulf him. Charlie notices it and tries to cheer him up by showing him blooper videos of Harry Potter movies but he’s too distracted. Eventually, Charlie gives up by saying “your bi angst is killing my vibe” and returns to her abandoned paperwork.

At 5 sharp in the afternoon, Dean takes leave from the station and goes back to his flat in the Impala. After a quick shower, Dean gets out of his washroom and stands before the closet, wearing only a towel wrapped around his hip. What should he wear? What should a man who's going to see his ex-turned-into-friend and a friend who the said ex thinks is his more-than-friend should wear?

Groaning loudly, Dean shakes his head at his own stupid confusing questions, _Why is this shit so confusing?_ He grabs his black worn-outLed Zeppelin T-shirt and blue-and-black checkered flannel shirt along with his black jeans, which looks a bit fresher than the others, out of his closet and takes off his towel. Hurriedly, he wears the outfit and runs a hand over his slightly wet hair, hoping it’s enough to make it look a bit tame. Spraying cologne on his neck and armpits and wearing his grandfather’s ring, Dean decides he’s ready. Or as ready as he’ll be. Mentally giving himself a pep talk about how he will _not_ do things to fuck things up, Dean grabs his phone and wallet, stuffing them into the back pockets of his jeans. Shoving his feet into the worn-out combat boots, Dean moves out of the door and locks it before going to the elevator. Downstairs, he sees the guard, Joseph, sitting on his position beside the entrance with a newspaper in his hands. Dean nods at him as a greeting, getting a ‘good evening, sir’ as a reply, and walks out of the building towards the outdoor parking lot. He kept Baby outdoors since it’s a hustle to get it out of the indoor garage and he already is too stressed out to fuss over his car.

Turning on the radio inside the Impala, Dean starts driving, letting the low rumble of the engine and the sonorous sound of the intro of _When The Levee Breaks_ soothe his mind which is filled with chaotic thoughts. 

He feels the phone vibrate inside his pocket and takes it out with one hand while the other is gripping the steering wheel.

Glancing at the phone, Dean sees Sam has texted him. He reads the preview of the message on the lock screen, keeping one eye on the road since he doesn’t have a death wish… yet.

> _ > everyone is here. Where r u? U coming ryt? _

Rolling his eyes at his brother’s question, Dean replies with a short ‘omw’ and throws the phone at the passenger seat.

Pressing lightly on the accelerator, Dean speeds up while staying at the speed limit. He doesn’t wanna be too late to the meetup, especially when Cas and Lee- he shudders at the thought of seeing them together at the same place- are already present there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS. if you wanna know what inspired the design of Dean's loft and Cas's house, check out our Pinterest board. The link is in the notes at the beginning of the story.  
> Also the lyrics at the beginning of the chapter is for part two but part one can also be dedicated, it seems lol.


	20. Chapter Eighteen (Part ii)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets a surprise at the bar while Dean barely handles Cas being near yet too far from him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! We are back with part 2. Take this as a treat for finally getting a Cas and Jack episode :)
> 
> Anyways, let's see if the get-together makes Dean and Cas closer or it complicate things even more...
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING// alcohol, being drunk

Cas hates himself. No- he hates his _heart_. So fucking much. If he could live without it, he would have stabbed it a thousand times with a blunt, rusty kitchen knife already.

He’s been at the bar for fifteen minutes, talking with Sam about mundane things- Sam randomly mentions how Dean has graveyard shift at the station tonight which is why he arranged the meetup in the evening- when fucking _Lee_ walks in. Castiel knows, logically, hating someone who did something wrong _years_ ago is a childish thing, however, it’s his damned heart which doesn’t seem to get the memo. It speeds up, thundering inside his ribs so loudly, Cas is afraid Sam, who’s sitting next to him, might hear it. He feels slightly nauseous. Maybe it’s the beer he’s sipping with an empty stomach or it’s just seeing Lee’s stupid- annoyingly handsome- face. He pretends to stare out the window he’s sitting next to. The world outside is dark and the streetlights glow orange, casting tall shadows as people go about their destinations. It’s November so the wind is chilly tonight. Cas wonders when the snow will start to fall. Maybe next week. Cas is so deep in his thoughts that he almost jumps out of his seat when Sam yells out, “Dean! Over here!” while waving his hand above his head as if he’s not a 6”4 tall who can be seen over the heads of the people in the bar.

Despite his heartbeat thumping faster and his palms getting sweatier with every passing second, Cas turns his head towards the direction where Sam and Lee, who’s sitting on the opposite side of the table, are looking at. In hindsight, Cas should have known his own reaction to Dean coming to the bar. But he underestimated his feelings and now he’s internally struggling to act normal. 

Dean saunders towards them, looking too good for Cas’s sanity and heart and stops right behind...Lee. Of course, it has to be _him._

“Hey guys,” Dean says in his deep voice, with a bright smile on his face. Cas tries to comprehend Dean’s expression but he comes up blank. There was a time when Cas could read Dean like an open book written just for him. But now- now he can only imagine what might be going on inside that pretty head of Dean.

Sam and Lee greet Dean with heys and Cas just nods at him. Dean looks at him for a moment before shifting on his feet, trying to find a seat. 

“Dean, I texted Charlie too. Forgot to mention it before. So she will be here soon.” Sam explains as Dean sits beside Lee which means across Cas. Dean nods and says, “Awesome. But she didn’t say anything to me, huh.”

"Maybe she wanted to surprise you."

Castiel stares at his beer pint, watching a droplet of condensation rolling down the wall of the glass at a lazy speed. He tries hard _not_ to look at Dean and Lee sitting together, muttering in a low voice and how comfortable Dean looks next to Lee. 

“How’s Claire?” Dean’s question makes him turn up his head to look at the man he’s trying to _not_ look at. The said man is staring at him without any hesitation as if he’s not feeling an ounce of what Cas is feeling right now. Knowing he can’t avoid Dean for the rest of the evening, Cas glances up, trying to relax his shoulders a little. 

“She’s good, staying with the Klines tonight,” Cas keeps his answer short and brisk. It’s easier to avoid conversation that way. 

Dean’s shoulders sink as his face falls, “I’m glad you’re here.” Cas nods with a quick jerky movement, returning to his drink. The moment Cas sees Lee’s shoulder bumps Dean’s shoulder playfully and lays a hand on his arm which earns him a small smile from Dean, he drops his eyes and clenches his fists under the table. 

What Dean does next surprises all of them. Dean shakes Lee’s hand away gently, standing up abruptly, and looks at Cas with a serious expression. 

“Listen, Cas,” Dean says, “We gotta talk.” Cas opens his mouth to reply with some jargon when the door bursts open. All heads turn to the door to see Charlie standing by the door, arms across her chest covering her loose dark blue blouse. Dean turns his entire body, a happy smile on his face. Charlie drops her arms and Dean smirks at her outfit: a full-sleeve spruce blouse loose-fitted around her small figure exposing a bit of her cleavage, with tight blue jeans and comfortable platforms. 

Dean grins. “I didn’t know you knew how to dress up,” he teases, the mischievous smile on his face making Cas look away, unable to bear it, envious of the way Den is being able to act normal around people while he feels like tearing his own hair. 

Charlie smacks his arm playfully as she approaches them, “When I have the chance to go all out, I absolutely will.” She turns to Cas, smiling, “Hey, Cas.” Cas nods but his eyes are fixated on the other man by the door. “Oh fuck,” he whispers.

***

Watching Cas sitting among his people made Dean's soul sing and his heart soar. He never thought he'd get to see this scene. But it's happening and Dean wants to tell Cas so. He wants to tell him how happy he is to see Cas with him. In his life. He gets up from the chair and is about to speak to Cas when Charlie arrives. He teases Charlie about her outfit and is about to turn to talk to Cas when he notices him staring in the direction of the door.

Dean’s eyes follow Castiel’s, a deep-rooted frown forming on his face tries to understand why Cas is looking so...there’s too much expression- a shock to surprise to confusion to happy- going on his face for Dean to understand, and they land on where, or rather _who_ Cas is staring at. A guy around their age with short blond hair, wearing a black jacket over a white v-neck shirt and black jeans, is standing at the front of the bar. He has a wide wicked smile on his face as he stares at Cas.

Cas breathes, _“Balthazar?”_

Cas jumps out of his seat, almost stumbling over Sam as he tries to get out of the booth. Within seconds, Cas is free and rushes over to Balthazar, flinging his arms around him, he hugs his- _friend?_ \- whoever he is to Cas, Dean doesn’t know. And seeing how they are being all clingy and smiley right now in the middle of the bar, Dean doesn’t think he even _wants_ to know.

“Surprise, Cassie,” Balthazar smirks, looking at Castiel with a big grin on his face and a glint in his eyes. Dean instantly feels wary of him. This dude got an accent which is somewhat a mix of French and British accent. 

Castiel stumbles over his words, “What- when- what are you- how are you- _you’re here??”_

Balthazar drapes his arms around Cas’s shoulder as they turn towards Dean and his friends’ booth, nodding vigorously, “I thought I would come and see my favorite person in the world and surprise him.”

“Wow, okay. How did you know I’m here?” Cas narrows his eyes at him, his voice a bit suspicious.

Balthazar rolls his eyes. “Went to your house straight from the airport. Saw the lights were off- '' Cas and the newcomer stop in front of the booth. Dean is still standing where he was before so it makes him be closest to them. “- then one of your lovely neighbors came out of their house and told me where you were going to a bar. So I thought ‘why not surprise him?’ and came here. Outside I bumped into this wonderful lady.” Balthazar ends his story with a hand wave at Charlie, who is now sitting beside Sam, grins, and waves back. 

“I hope you don’t mind me crashing your party, lads. I’m Balthazar, an old friend of Cassie,” Balthazar quickly introduces himself, holding out a hand. _Cassie?_ Dean’s frown remains as his eyes quickly dart back and forth from Balthazar’s hand to his face, however, Sam jumps out of his seat. 

“Hi, and of course!! The more the merrier! And any friend of Cas is a friend of ours, right Dean?” Sam looks pointedly at Dean who ignores it to stare at the way Cas and Balthazar- his name seems as slimy as his smile right now- are standing too close. “You want a drink?” Sam offers to which Balthazar nods eagerly. Cas is still too busy looking all smiley and happy with his _friend_ to notice Dean’s flaring nose with irritation toward his own brother.

“Magnificent,” Balthazar drags Cas towards his seat inside the booth and flops beside him., “Aw, say something, Cassie. Aren’t you pleased to see me?” His voice cooes as he flicks Castiel’s nose, making him scrunch it and swat away Balthazar’s hand. Then Cas smiles, which gets bigger slowly, “Of course, Balthazar. I just- I didn’t expect to see you today.” Cas says, his shoulders relaxing as if he can feel all his nerves drift away as Balthazar laughs taking the drink from Sam’s hands. Dean’s hands clench on his side as he moves to sit back on his seat beside Lee. 

“So, you're gonna introduce me to your new friends?” Balthazar asks, finally removing his arm from Cas’s shoulder. 

Cas coughs nervously, “Of course, um, this is Charlie you’ve already met, she’s friends and works with Dean. This is Sam, Dean’s brother,” Cas pauses, his eyes meeting Dean’s for a split second before he abruptly pulls away, “This is Dean. And that is... Lee, Dean’s friend.” Dean internally winces at the way Cas almost chokes at Lee’s name whereas everyone else seems to be unaware of it. 

Lee nods silently, but it goes unnoticed by Balthazar as his gaze falls on Dean. 

“So, you’re the famous Dean Winchester, huh?” Balthazar says, leaning forward and resting his forearms on the table as if he’s trying to be intimidating. Dean notices the movement, and nods politely, “Yeah, I’m Dean but I’m not sure about the famous part.” Dean smiles tightly.

Balthazar eyes him carefully, “Quite so, I’m afraid. You out to break my Cassie’s heart again?” 

Lee chokes into his beer as the words spill out of Balthazar while Castiel inhales loudly, sitting straight. Sam and Charlie turn away, but Dean holds his ground. 

“No,” Dean replies quietly, trying to see Cas but Cas is staring hard at Balthazar. 

“Sounds like it’s a little too late, Winchester,” Balthazar says coldly. 

Cas places a hand on his friend’s elbow, “Please, Balthazar, don’t start a fight now, you literally _just_ got here.” He says in a hiss, not looking at anyone in the booth. 

Balthazar’s hostile demeanor crashes as he sees Cas’s serious expression, “Chill, Cassie. I was just breaking the ice. Now, let’s drink!” Cas nods eagerly. Sam looks at Dean with an apprehensive expression on his face while others order drinks from the nearby waiter.

A while later finds the group talking about random things while enjoying their drinks. Dean has decided to act normal since he knows opening his mouth to say something would do more harm than good. 

Charlie looks at him and gives him a soft smile which he returns with a nod. She doesn’t know how Cas feels about Lee. In fact, Dean himself doesn’t know the extent of what Cas feels about Lee. 

“So Balthazar, you don’t look like someone who would be friends with someone like Castiel,” Lee says, taking a sip of his beer, “I mean, don’t get me wrong but he has always been a bit of an introvert and quiet while you seem like you love being around crowds.” Dean watches as Cas’s jaws tighten at Lee’s words, which, in Dean’s opinion, aren’t too good. Dean knows how much Cas struggled with his people skills and Lee, of all people, reminding him about it is a shitty thing. He licks his lips with nervousness and holds his breath, bracing himself for Cas’s response.

In the mediocre lighting of the bar, Cas still manages to look devastatingly handsome. The baby pink dress shirt on him is making him look a bit tanner than usual and the five o’clock on his face is giving off the rugged vibes. Essentially he looks too good for Dean’s heart and sanity. 

Apparently, Dean has been too busy staring at Cas since he missed some parts of the conversation. Clinks of glasses hitting wooden surfaces break off his wayward thoughts and he catches up with the discussion.

“- met him when I was hired to do a photoshoot for the birthday of the company,” Balthazar is saying enthusiastically while others are listening to him soundlessly, “it was around two years ago, wasn’t it?” He asks Cas who nods in agreement with a small, “Yeah, two years ago.”

“Wanna hear the fun fact?” Balthazar questions and continues without waiting for anyone’s reply, “The first time we met, Castiel almost ‘hated’ me.” Cas chuckles at Balthazar using air quotes which makes Dean bite his inner cheek.

“Why?” 

“Because I propositioned him two minutes after I met him.”

Dean almost chokes on his breath. _What??_ his mind almost screams. 

Cas seems to know how Dean is in turmoil as he glances at him with a hesitant look. Dean just turns away his head to look at anywhere other than the person sitting across him.

“Well, what happened next?” Charlie coerces, looking too interested in the story. The betrayer.

“Next? What happened next was Castiel, being the sexy grumpy man that he is, he refused with a single “no” and since I know when to take a no for an answer-” Castiel snorts, “-I accepted it. So instead, I convinced him to get a drink with me just as friends and not as ‘fuck buddies’.”

Cas rolls his eyes at the crude words, “If I hadn’t agreed you would have pestered me to death.” Everyone, except Dean, laughs.

Balthazar takes a sip of his fancy purple-colored fruity drink, which looks lame as fuck to Dean, and continues yapping, “To be honest, I don’t feel bad about him rejecting me. Because, A. I got a new friend.” he says, smugly, glancing at Cas, who looks back at him with a soft smile. Dean’s heart flaps as he recalls how he was used to being at the receiving end of that smile once upon a time.

“And B. I wasn’t the anomaly. Cas is known to reject people left and right.”

“You sound like I’m a prick or something,” Cas retorts, an amused look playing on his face.

“Not a prick. Just a lad who doesn’t wanna get laid even when people keep throwing themselves at you… I wonder why.” Dean’s doubt about if Balthazar knows about him and Cas clears the moment he notices him giving him a meaningful look. Dean looks down at the drink on his hand, not sure whether to be happy that he isn’t the only one who’s not getting it up or to be worried about what this could mean.

After a few drinks, all of them are at different levels of tipsy. Balthazar told them about his photography gig and Lee, in turn, informed him and Cas- since others already knew about it- how Dean helped him with his business set up and promoted it to almost every person he met. Cas just smiled emotionlessly in response.

Right now, Lee is trying to talk to him about something like ‘pros and cons of drinking apple juice with alcohol’, Dean isn’t paying much attention to them since his eyes and mind are devoted only to monitor- subtly so that no one would find him too much creepy- what Cas is doing: animatedly talking with his friend since he’s not completely sober anymore after drinking three glasses of beer. Charlie is arguing with Sam about the merits of being a non-vegetarian instead of being a vegetarian. 

“Dean tell your brother how wrong he is,” Charlie whines as she takes a deep sip of her pink-colored cocktail.

“Uh,” Dean replies preoccupied which earns him a sharp jab on his side by his annoying little brother who seems to be the least tipsy among all of them. He winces and rubs the area while glaring at Sam who gives him a bitch face which clearly screams ‘stop being a fucking moron and act natural’.

“So...Cas, you and Dean went to high school together right?” Charlie asks, her eyes screaming trouble. Dean freezes on his seat. Across him, Cas freezes too, his glance at Dean looking kinda nervous.

“Uh… yeah,” Cas replies, taking a long sip of his beer.

“Tell us how he was? Did he get into fights a lot? Lee told me he was a gentleman. I refuse to believe him. But, you on the other hand…”

Dean tries to convey how uncomfortable and angry he is at Charlie by glaring at her, however, Charlie seems to tipsy to even understand it. She just winks in return before looking back at Cas with too much excitement. Meanwhile, Cas looks like a deer in the headlights.

“Uh… Dean used to fight but with the bullies only.” Cas mumbles, not looking at Dean at all.

“As if you were a saint,” Dean blurts out after a moment and immediately regrets it. Everyone in the booth turns their faces to look at him while he gulps and tries to smile but it feels like a grimace more than a smile.

Much to Dean’s surprise, Cas rolls his eyes, “I was a complete saint. What do you mean?”

“Yeah? So you didn’t punch a dirtbag just to cause drama?” Dean tsks, his insides feeling like jelly at the possibility of talking about the past with Cas without any problem. Balthazar chuckles while Charlie grins widely, “Cas punched someone? Wow.”

“I did it to get to the detention just because _you_ wanted me to be there with you, remember?” Cas snarks, smirking. Dean’s throat gets dry and he nods like the dumbass he is.

“Awww, that’s so cute. Cassie getting detention deliberately just because Dean wanted him to hold his hand during the horrific detention,” Balthazar coles, bumping his shoulder with Cas’s which makes Cas shove him away, laughing. Thanks to the British dude, their moment is over and Dean looks away, his heart beating fast in his ribcage while Cas says something to his friend in a voice too low for Dean to hear it Not that he has tried to. Nope.

When it hits 7:30 PM on the big grandfather clock at one corner of the bar, the patrons of the establishment clear a space and build a makeshift karaoke stage. Mics are brought out and the speakers are taken out. 

As some people start lining up at the queue for their turn at the karaoke and a song starts playing on the speakers, Balthazar snorts all of a sudden.

“What?” Cas asks with a confused smile on his face. Sam and others pause their conversation to hear whatever Balthazar’s about to say. 

“Don’t tell me you forgot about this song.” 

“Wha- _oh shit_ ,” Cas’s eyes squint before he groans and leans back on his seat, “God, I can’t believe you made me recall that night. I had almost forgotten about it.” Cas throws his friend a dirty look, however, the hint of a smile on his lips tells a different story. Dean feels nauseous, watching Cas smile openly at someone that wasn’t him. So it’s no surprise when Dean excuses himself and gets up from his seat, making an excuse of having to go to the washroom. He ignores how Cas glances at him momentarily. 

Inside the washroom, he stands in front of the mirror, and, turning on the tap, he gathers cold water onto his palm and throws it on his face, feeling its chillness against his warm skin. Blinking back the water droplets from his lashes, Dean turns around, not caring to know how he looks since it doesn’t matter anyway. He returns to the booth and almost stumbles over as soon as his eyes fall on Cas. 

Cas is laughing, his eyes wrinkling, and his nose scrunching. His white teeth are all in the display as he almost falls over with laughter. This is the first time he’s seeing Cas laughing like this- this freely which makes it look like he doesn’t give a damn whoever watches him be all snorty and laughing loudly enough to make people turn heads at him. 

Dean is just about to smile at him when he sees Cas lean against the man sitting beside him. Balthazar bumps his shoulder with his in response, his lips stretched into a big smile.

Even Sam and Lee are laughing for some reason.

“- then she responded with ‘your friend can also join us,’” Balthazar says between the touches of laughter.

“I thought telling her that I was with a friend meant I wasn’t looking for someone to sleep with,” Cas grumbles with a roll of his eyes, “How could I know she would offer a threesome.”

“What?” Dean blurts out as soon as he hears the word ‘threesome’ as if it’s the most cursed word in history.

Cas faces him with a sheepish look.

“Balthazar is telling us how they got drunk one day and got propositioned by a stripper,” Lee answers Dean as he flops down beside him.

Den is still confused because he doesn’t know how Cas, threesome, and stripper can fit in one sentence altogether. Understanding that he’s still not caught up to the story, Balthazar speaks up, “To celebrate my job offer at the London agency two years ago, I’d taken Cassie for a drink at a-”

“Strip club.” Cas interrupts.

“Fine establishment where women and men danced for the customers’ entertainment,” Balthazar ignores Cas’s interruption, “A stripper-”

“Her name was Candy.” Another interruption from Cas, whose flushed cheeks were glistening with sweat even in the dimmed light of the place. Dean tries hard not to look at him like the fool he is.

“- told him how ‘she would love to let him taste her candy’-” Dean almost spits out the beer he just put in his mouth. Swallowing it, he croaks, “What?”

Apparently, his reaction seems hilarious to others as they all start laughing.

“Yep, then Cassie here replied with,” Balthazar deepens his voice, clearly trying to imitate Cas, “‘I got a daughter.’ as if it answers it all. Then when she informed him how she finds single dads sexy, Cas almost cried-”

“I did not ‘almost cry’, thank you very much,” Cas poutingly interjects, using his hand, which is holding his half-filled beer glass, to air quote. Dean did _not_ find it endearing. Not at all.

“- and he stuttered how he’s with a friend and that’s how, pretty lady and lads, how Cassie got offered a threesome with a stripper.” Balthazar ends his tale, with a slap on Cas’s shoulder which makes Dean grimace.

Everyone claps while Cas crosses his arms across his chest, his eyes narrowed at his friend who is too busy being happy with himself to notice. 

Dean, not able to bear all the... whatever Cas is doing with Balthazar any longer, stands up and goes to the bartop without answering the questions about where he’s going.

Ordering a whiskey, Dean plops down on one of the cushioned stools. He leans his folded forearms on the wooden surface bartop and looks down. The sounds of people talking, sudden bursts of laughter, and noises of people singing in terrible voices from different directions flow into his ears. The bartender serves him his drink along with a round coaster for it a few minutes later.

He’s taking little sips of the neat whiskey, relishing the burn on his throat, when he feels the hair on the back of his neck rise. Someone’s staring at him. Not moving from his position, he twists his head just to find out Cas is looking in his direction. His cobalt blue eyes bore into his while his jaws are tensed. The space distance between them feels small as if there is no one else in the room except for them, except they are in the crowded room, surrounded by people. 

Dean breaks the connection and looks away. His heart pounds inside his ribs, making his head feel hazy. Drinking several glasses of booze seems to finally affect his system. He slips off the stool and stands up, one hand gripping the lip of the bartop. 

Dean hears some people cheer and clap. He faces up to what the commotion is about- and regrets it immediately. Balthazar has dragged Cas to the karaoke stage and now they are standing close- too close- side by side with two microphones in their hands. Balthazar swings one arm around Cas’s neck, pulling him closer. Cas doesn’t protest, he just complies as if it’s nothing. Maybe it _is_ nothing. Maybe- _Stop!_ Deans stops himself before his drunken mind can jump to any awful conclusion. Nevertheless, Dean’s unable to rip his eyes away when the singing begins. Cas has never been much of a singer (unlike Dean) but his voice is still velvet soft and sweet like honey, gently strumming on Dean’s heartstrings. Balthazar grins as the music picks up the pace, grabbing Cas’s hand, drunkenly. He twists Cas around, laughing. Cas, tipsy and unfocused, almost trips. Almost. Dean places a foot on the ground, ready to rush to his aid when he realizes Balthazar draping his hand around Cas’s waist. _I guess he doesn’t need me anymore,_ Dean’s mind races. The nausea returns, bubbling deep inside his stomach, and he can’t do it anymore. Glancing once more at the duo, now fooling around on the makeshift stage, he decides it’s better to leave. 

Searching for his brother, Dean looks around. Sam is standing by the booth with Lee and Charlie beside him. When he catches Dean’s eyes, Dean gestures at the door, indicating he’s leaving. Sam, being the wise little brother that he is, doesn’t say anything other than nodding once in reply.

Not looking at anyone, Dean staggers away to the door. As he approaches the Impala, he makes a decision to go to the station directly instead of his flat since it’s nearer and he will be sober enough when he’ll see the paperwork he’d have to do tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoever thought this chapter won't hurt... we are sorry :))
> 
> We realized some of the readers might not have Spotify available so we took a screenshot of the playlist and posted the picture on the Pinterest board. Here's the link: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/730005420844640408/?nic_v2=1a6Kj2JyG


	21. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unexpected things happen sometimes whether they are good or bad...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING// Car Accident, blood

_“...his feelin' flows both ways?_

_(Sad to see you go) Was sorta hopin' that you'd stay_

_(Baby, we both know) That the nights were mainly made_

_For sayin' things that you can't say tomorrow day_

_Crawlin' back to you_

_Ever thought of callin' when_

_You've had a few?_

_'Cause I always do_

_Maybe I'm too_

_Busy bein' yours_

_To fall for somebody new_

_Now, I've thought it through_

_Crawlin' back to you…”_

Dean doesn’t remember when he got home. He doesn’t remember driving the Impala from the station to his loft, or changing his clothes, or showering or getting under the covers. It should be alarming, but for the first time, Dean doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that Sam is shaking him awake, begging him to get out of bed. He doesn’t care that he doesn’t want to anymore. 

“Dean, come on, I made you breakfast!” Sam says, his exciting personality matching the brightness of the sun this morning. 

“How are you even here?” Dean grumbles in return, “And why?” 

“Using the key you gave me, remember? And can your brother not come by and make you breakfast?” Sam says. 

Sam manages to drag Dean out of bed, and into the washroom to make him look a little more alive. Dean’s in sweatpants, a black t-shirt with messy bed hair, and dark bags under his eyes looks too pronounced. After freshening up a bit, he goes to the kitchen and sits at the countertop while Sam serves him breakfast.

He’s halfway through eating the taco Sam made for him when there’s a knock on the door. Getting up from his breakfast, Sam walks to the door and opens it to a shyly smiling Castiel in a black suit. Dean almost chokes on his taco. 

“Hey Cas,” Sam says smiling cautiously, glancing back at Dean, as if he’s gonna have a breakdown just by looking at the man in the suit. He might actually, who knows?

Cas’s eyes meet Dean’s panicked ones for a brief second but he quickly diverts his gaze back to Sam as if nothing happened.

“Good morning, Sam. I got you a small gift to say congratulations on the new job and apologies for Balthazar’s behavior last night.” He hands Sam the small package wrapped in blue wrapping paper. Dean bites into his taco harder than necessary at the name of the British accented dude.

Sam laughs an awkward sound which might have been funny if the situation was different, “Thank you, and it’s cool. Balthazar is cool.” He stops himself from saying any more about Cas’s friend, “Do you wanna come in?” 

Cas shakes his head, “I have to go to work, I’m already late. But thank you.” 

When Sam closes the door, Dean looks at him with a poker face. 

“What?” Sam asks cluelessly. 

Dean’s eyes travel to the gift. Sam unwraps and finds that it’s a scented candle with a handwritten card. 

“Awesome,” Sam says under his breath, his eyes are shining as he moves the candle closer to his nose to smell the fragrance. It smells like petrichor: the smell of earth after rain, one of Sam’s favorite smells as it calms him down. Dean knows it only because Sam once told him how much he loves the smell. 

“Fucking nerd,” Dean mutters, finishing his taco quickly, taking big bites which makes his mouth all puffy. Sam grimaces at him and places the candle down and stares at Dean, “Why did you leave early?” 

“You know why.” 

Sam squints, “They’re just friends, Dean. Cas searched for you after you left. He wanted to check up on you but you weren’t there.” 

Dean closes his eyes, “I’m surprised he remembered me at all. What did Balthazar do after I left?” 

Sam bites his lips, “He was just being all drunk and flirty, you know. But Cas- Cas was-”

Dean held his hand up to stop his brother, “Yeah, ok and we’re done. I’m good. I gotta get to work, Sam.” 

Sam opens his mouth and closes it abruptly, eyes following Dean.

“Talk to Cas!” Sam yells out but Dean doesn’t satisfy him with a reply. 

***

After Dean left all of the sudden, his brother and friends didn’t stay much longer either. It’s been only Cas and Balthazar chatting, slouched over the seats in their booth. That’s when Balthazar informed him how Dean had been all ‘pining and unrequited loving’ over him throughout the evening. When it was almost time for the bar to close for the night, they staggered outside, supporting each other, and went to Castiel’s car. Realizing neither of them was in the state to drive, they mutually decided to leave the car in the parking lot and Cas clumsily ordered an Uber to take them home.

In hindsight, Cas should have known getting drunk in his thirties isn’t anything like how it was when he was in his twenties. 

The following morning, he wakes up hungover- second time within a week, much to his chagrin- and with a killer headache which made him wince. Still wearing the clothes from the previous night, Castiel gets out of the bed and stumbles to his washroom. After washing his face and teeth thoroughly, he empties his bladder. Back in his room, he drinks water from the bottle he keeps on the bedside table. He’s changing into comfortable clothes when he hears noises coming from downstairs through the ajar door of his bedroom. Frowning he pulls down the t-shirt he has in his hands and steps out of the room. Peering down the stairs, he sees his friend opening the cabinets of the kitchen, probably searching for something in there.

“Balthazar?” He calls out, climbing down the stairs, grimacing at his own louder than a whisper voice which triggers his headache to remind him it's still there.

“Oh, Cassie. You’re awake. How’s the head? Pretty good, huh?”

“Fuck you.” Balthazar just laughs loudly in reply, looking all chirpy and not at all like someone who’s as drunk as Cas the previous night. 

_How does he do it?_ Cas’s mind muses as he approaches the kitchen where his friend is now taking out ingredients like flour and sugar. 

He’s helping Balthazar make waffles when the doorbell rings, echoing through the house.

“Claire is back,” Cas says with a big smile as he rushes, albeit a bit slower than usual since he doesn’t want his head to explode with a headache, to the door.

He pauses, glancing over to Balthazar raising his eyebrows, “Behave yourself.”

Balthazar laughs, nods and winks playfully as Cas opens the door. 

Sure enough, Claire is standing at the door with Kelly on her side. She’s bouncing on her heels and as soon as Cas opens the door, she jumps into his arms with a cry of “dad!”.

Cas wraps his arms around his daughter, grinning from ear to ear. He quickly meets Kelly’s eye, thanking her endlessly. Kelly leaves with a fond smile as Cas closes the door behind him. 

When he brings Claire to the kitchen, she sees Balthazar and smiles widely. 

“Balthy!” Claire shrieks. 

Cas smirks as Balthazar cringes at the nickname. Balthazar absolutely hates the nickname but he doesn’t have the heart to tell Claire so he just says silent and witnesses how hurt Balthazar looks as if Claire has thrown the knives to his chest. Claire has met Balthazar every time he comes over and much to Cas’s surprise, they get along fabulously. 

Claire pulls herself off Cas’s arms and runs over to Balthazar for another round of warm hugs. 

“Bonjour, mon cher,” Balthazar grins. 

“What are you doing here?” Giggling at the french greeting, Claire asks, eyes widened with glee. 

“I came to see my best friend, of course! And by best friend, I mean you,” Balthazar smiles, flickering the tip of Cas’s daughter’s nose, earning himself a sweet giggle. Cas ushers Claire away from Balthazar with a gentle, “You need to clean up first, princess. Wash up and then come down, I’m making you your favorite chocolate waffles.” Claire jumps up and down as her mouth salivates but she nods and sprints up the stairs, ignoring Castiel’s warning about how she’s not supposed to run up the stairs.

“How do you keep up with all that energy? Claire hasn’t changed a bit, holy shit,” Balthazar stares in awe. 

“It’s been a challenge,” Cas deadpans. 

“I bet Dean helps around…” Balthazar mutters with a sly glance at Cas’s face. It’s quiet but still loud enough for Cas to hear. 

Cas lowers his head, trying to concentrate on making the batter for waffles, “He does… I mean he did. He did. He helped a few times. But things changed...again.” 

“Cassie, you gotta talk to him…” Balthazar tries. 

Cas’s head snaps up, a sudden rage coursing through his veins, “And say what? What do I talk to him about? I’m not the one who did anything wrong!” 

Balthazar brings his hands up in surrender, slowly taking steps forward to calm his friend, “Alright, I hear you. I meant... give _him_ a chance to talk. If you don’t like what he says, you cut the ties.” 

“It’s not that easy, Balthazar. I can’t just ‘cut the ties’,” Cas replies, using his fingers, which are now sticky with waffle batter, to air quote, “Even when I try to avoid him, he pops up out of the fucking blue,” Cas groans, putting the waffle maker on the countertop as Balthazar watches him. 

“Go to the station today.”

Cas almost drops the bowl filled with batter onto the ground, “What?”

“Go to the station today, you twat. Try to talk to him. I’ll look after your princess, you know how much she loves me,” Balthazar’s lips form a gentle smile. Cas wants to be mad but he knows his friend is right. He should try to talk with Dean, even if all the cells in his body were telling him otherwise. Claire arrives, jumping and landing on the final step of the stairs with a loud thump. Cas’s worries and anxiety melts as Claire skips over to him in her purple sweater and jeans. Just by watching his daughter smile makes his body relaxes and his heart fills with content. 

Finally giving in, Cas replies, “Okay...I’ll go,” His friend opens his mouth to say something, but Cas doesn’t let him, “But first I need to apologize to Sam for your… your-ness.” This makes Balthazar grin in an obnoxious way which makes Cas wanna flip him off but the presence of his daughter is the only thing that stops him.

***

Dean manages to keep his thoughts at bay for most of the day. Charlie and Sarah get bored halfway through the day and decide to pull a harmless prank on Garth. They squeeze some lemon into Garth’s cup of milk. The poor lad didn’t know what hit him until the milk touched his lips, and Charlie and Sarah simultaneously collapsed to the ground in tears with giggles. Dean shakes his head as the scene unfolds but he can’t help smiling a little bit. 

The day draws to a close, the sun already set far below the horizon, causing the sky to be pitch black, when Dean hears a familiar and heart-stopping “Hey Cas!” from Charlie. 

He’s already on the last step of the stairs when he sees Cas in the black suit he was wearing for work this morning. 

_Shit._ Dean’s mind races, can he just go up the stairs real quick and pretend like he didn’t see anything? No, no he can’t. Because after hugging Charlie, Cas quickly strides up to Dean. 

“We need to talk.” The intensity of his voice makes Dean internally squirm.

He gulps, still staring down at his shoes, one hand on the handrail. 

_“Dean.”_ Cas’s exasperated voice causes Dean to glance up, immediately getting lost in the familiar blues. 

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Here?” Dean asks nervously. 

Cas sighs, rolling his eyes and grabs Dean’s hand impatiently and pulls him up the stairs to the kitchen. Looking back down, Dean spots Charlie’s wicked grin before she grabs her coat and leaves after a not-subtle-at-all thumbs up as if he’s gonna get some right now. Dean almost rolls his eyes at his own wayward thoughts. The rest of their crew have either left or are in their offices leaving Dean and Cas alone. Utterly alone. _Awesome,_ Dean thinks sarcastically.

“Dean, first of all, I want to apologize on Balthazar’s behalf. He doesn’t have any filter and he flirts with everything that walks. But he’s just my friend,” Cas says, his voice more gentle and calm now. 

“I didn’t ask,” is the only reply Dean can muster out because he doesn’t want to know anything about Balthazar or what his relationship is with Cas. He’s not...ready yet.

Cas frowns, tilting his head, “Excuse me?” 

“I’m not- it’s just-” Dean stammers, “I don’t want to hear about Balthazar.” It sounds douchey but it’s the truth. Apparently, Cas didn’t expect that reply since his face turns stoic and he stands straighter. 

“Well, I didn’t want to see Lee’s face after all these years. But when do we get what we want?” Cas states coldly, “Though I should have known he’d be somewhere around you. Just like the past.”

Suddenly, Dean feels frustrated, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” His voice is cold and rough and Dean knows he’s letting his rage get the better of him but he can’t stop it now.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know anything.”

“I know enough. But it seems like you know _nothing_.”

Cas takes a step towards him and it makes Dean realize during arguing or whatever the hell they are doing right now, he and Cas had both moved towards each other, leaving merely a foot space between them. From his position, Dean can smell the cologne on Cas and see the details of his cobalt blue eyes.

“I was worried about you after Benny’s death. But instead of confining me, you went to get drunk with Lee. You chose Lee. _Again_.” Cas’s hardened eyes and the tightened jaws, which are making them look sharper than usual since he’s clean-shaven, makes Dean’s breath hitched and his heart flutters.

“Well, I didn’t at least get drunk while others were present to witness it.” Dean retorts. He doesn’t know why, but at the moment, he can’t resist the urge to provoke Cas. Sure enough, Cas’s nose flares. He looks intimidating and manages to look down his nose at him even though he’s two inches shorter than Dean. The air between them feels charged with… _something_ Dean doesn’t wanna hope for. Because it will somehow end up with him getting hurt.

“You are so...so _infuriating._ ” Cas almost growls. 

“You ain’t exactly a saint either, _buddy_.”

“Stop behaving so childishly.”

Maybe Dean is a fool. Maybe all the alcohol from last night is finally affecting his system because that’s the only reason he can think of why he does what he does the next moment. Taking a step closer to Cas, which brings himself as close to Cas as he can without touching him, Dean whispers a rough provocation, “Make me.”

Seems like it is the final straw that broke the camel's back since the next moment, Cas is shoving him back towards the wall behind him while kissing him. Kissing him roughly with those chapped yet soft lips of his while touching him everywhere. His navy colored uniform-clad torso, his arms, his face and hair, and his neck. After a moment of shock, Dean’s brain does a full 180 snapping back into action as he reciprocates. He wraps his hands around Cas’s neck, fingers pulling the short hair at the back of his neck while he feels light pressure from Cas’s fingers at the back of his scalp. There is no distance between them anymore because Cas has closed whatever distance there was between them. Years of longing, pain, misunderstandings, all pour out of Dean’s lips and into Castiel’s. Instinctively, Dean feels his back pressing against the wall, the coldness of it making him almost shiver. Or maybe it’s the growl Cas lets out as he places a knee between Dean’s legs. Overdriven by the senses and feelings, Dean is fumbling with Cas’s white dress shirt buttons while his lips are still attached to Cas’s when a loud _thud_ breaks them apart. Dean is pressed against the wall which means he can’t exactly move unless Cas moves away, but right now, he’s gone still as a statue which means Dean has to stay where he is, looking at the intruder- who turns out to be, of all people, _Sam._

Sam is standing at the top of the staircase with his mouth opened in shock and eyebrows raised to his hairline. A brown paper bag in laying on the ground at his feet.

Suddenly, Cas jerks and shuffles backwards leaving a few feet distance between him and Dean. Dean instantly misses his warmth against his body. A pink blush fills his cheeks as he avoids both the Winchester brothers’ eyes.

“Uh...I’m...gonna...yeah.” Stammering out the words, Cas rushes past Sam, who looks like he swallowed a lemon, and down the stairs, disappearing from Dean’s sight.

A moment of awkward silence passed before Sam spoke up, “So...when I told you to talk to Cas, I didn’t mean stick your tongue down his throat kinda talk.”

“Shut up. It just _happened_.” 

“Happened?” Sam raises an eyebrow.

“Yes. No...I don’t even know.” Dean splutters, “One moment we were arguing-”

“As usual.”

Dean glared at his brother, “-and the next thing I knew we were kissing.”

“More like mauling each other.” Sam snorted and crouched down to pick up the brown paper bag he’d dropped earlier.

“I’d brought you some snacks since you have a graveyard shift tonight too. But it’s not in good shape anymore I guess.” He peeled inside the bag and shook his head.

Dean sighs and sits down on the couch which is placed against the wall. He can still feel Cas’s lips on his and the taste of him on his mouth. It’s been _years_ since he’d kissed Cas and yet, it makes him feel like he’s drowning in the sunshine just like he used to before. High Schooler Cas was slender and lithe but adult Cas is all sturdy and hard muscles and now Dean is already craving to be near him. To feel the same sparks that flew between them just like it had all those years ago when they first kissed in the living room of Dean’s childhood home.

“Dude you got extreme hearty eyes going on,” Sam snaps his fingers in front of Dean’s face, startling him before flopping don on the couch beside him.

“It’s just… it’s been literally 12 years yet my feelings for him didn’t change even a single bit but he… he’s moved on. He got a kid and his friends and everything. While I’m here sitting on my ass still carrying the torch for him.”

Sam places a and on Dean’s shoulder, “Dean, he still got feelings for you. It’s not one-sided.”

“Pff… don’t be ridiculous, Sammy. You saw how he was so shocked after kissing me. As if he regretted every second of it.” Dean huffs a humorless laugh and rubs the bridge of his nose.

“Stop being all pessimistic. Did he tell you he regretted it? No. So, stop overthinking.” Sam chastises.

Dean just nods since it’s useless to tell his brother, who believes everyone deserves good things, how wrong he is, and how Dean can be together with Cas only in his dreams. Just like he’s been for the last twelve years.

***

Cas curses to himself as he speeds towards his home, pressing down the accelerator every time he has the flashback of Dean missing him. Or rather him kissing Dean. Dean. What might Dean think of him now? He cannot just go and kiss Dean. Not when they aren’t together anymore.

The last time he’d kissed Dean was when he was only an eighteen years old boy. Things changed. _He_ changed… But now, with a sharp and heavy pain in his heart, Cas is realizing how _they_ didn’t change. How what they had, at least physically, didn’t change. Dean still tastes the same. Feels the same under Cas’s fingers even though Dean is much more built than he was 12 years ago. Right now, Cas can still feel the firm muscles and the sharpness of his jaws on his fingertips. Yet the connection he felt when their lips met was something akin to the way two rivers meet to become an ocean. The way he felt the sparks inside him and he bet his college degree Dean felt the same sparks too. 

Slamming the brake hard enough to make him jerk forward, Cas stops the car in the driveway of his home.

Running a hand across his head, he heads towards the front door only to see Balthazar already opening it. Maybe his friend is one damn good mind reader or Cas’s poker face isn’t as good as he thinks it to be because, without a word, Balthazar hugs him with one arm and pulls him through the door.

“Did it go that bad?” he asks softly, as Cas parks himself on the couch with a groan. He just nods in reply and hides his face in his hands.

“Tell me what happened?”

“We kissed.”

“What? I don’t understand.” Cas realizes his hands muffled the words and removes them from his face and peers at his friend who’s now sitting on the other end of the couch.

“We… kissed.”

Balthazar blinks once. Twice. Before he starts laughing so hard, he almost slips down the couch. Cas glares at him with scrunched eyebrows and _almost_ smacks his head. Almost being the keyword.

“Didn’t know you and Dean are still stuck in high school. Who gets so angsty over a kiss? It’s not like you fucked in front of his peers… it was only a kiss, right? Because otherwise, we got a bloody massive problem on our hands.”

“Of course we didn’t fuck-” Cas snaps but stops before his voice gets too loud for his daughter to hear him from wherever she is in the house at the moment. Speaking of whom, 

“Where’s my daughter?”

“She’s eating dinner. I made a delicious pasta salad with her help,” Cas opens his mouth to speak since Claire isn’t old enough to help to cook yet, but Balthazar continues, ignoring him, “and by her help, I meant, she handed me the vegetables from the refrigerator. Nothing else.”

“Did you put peanuts in it? Claire has an allergy to peanuts,” Cas inquires.

“No. Little missy already told me about the time peanuts made her all _‘itchy and red like a small tomato_ ’.” 

“Oh, yeah, she had an allergic reaction last summer. It was awful, honestly. Anyways, back to our point,” Cas says, his tone turning serious, “What do I do now?”

“In my opinion. You should talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him why you don’t want to be with him. If the bloke is as good as you say he is, he will definitely understand. Not communicating with each other is hurting both of you. It’s not good, Cassie.”

Cas stays silent for some minutes. He knows Balthazar is right but he’s afraid. So fucking afraid. The last time he’d opened his heart to Dean, he ended up with a broken heart and an emptiness in his soul. If- if this time, history repeats itself, he won’t be able to bear it. Yet his heart is saying his friend is right. They should talk. He should tell Dean everything. Everything that happened in the past and everything he’s feeling regarding Dean.

Mind made up, he nods firmly at his friend who smiles big and slaps his shoulder affectionately.

“That’s fucking great. Now, let’s go eat dinner. You can go to your lover tomorrow.”

Cas just rolls his eyes and follows his friend to the dining room.

The next morning, Cas is waiting for his coffee to brew when Balthazar hurries into the kitchen.

“What happened?” Cas asks his friend the moment he looks at the happy smile on Balthazar’s face

“I got the contract for a very important photoshoot for a campaign in Wales. It’s a really big deal since they don’t easily change their photographers.” Balthazar claims with an excited smile and furious hand gestures.

“That’s amazing. Congrats. When’s the photoshoot?”

“Oh...uh it’s tomorrow.”

“Wha- what? But you’re not even in the country.” 

“Oh shit.”

Cas snorts at his friend’s panicked expression.

“Don’t need to be glee at my misery. I’m booking a flight to Wales right now.” Balthazar replies, already poking around in his phone.

“Okay, whatever you say. You book the ticket. I’ll go and see if Claire’s awake or not. Sleeping too much will make her whiny for the rest of her day.” Cas says, turning off the coffee machine before passing his friend to go upstairs. Balthazar waves him off, eyes focused on the phone screen.

Two hours later finds Cas and Balthazar standing at the airport gate. 

“Take care of yourself. And don’t worry, you’ll do great at the photoshoot.” Cas says, hugging his friend tightly. Balthazar lets go of him with a friendly slap on his back.

“I know I’ll do great, Cassie,” he replies cheekily, winking playfully, “But you, on the other hand, will have to do something great. And by that, I mean talk. Talk to that lover of yours and clear out the air. All the angst is making me feel like I’m in a badly scripted drama movie.”

Cas swallowed down the urge to roll his eyes, _again_ , “Yeah, I’ll go to Dean straight from here.”

“Oh sweetheart, there’s nothing straight about you but that’s fantastic! Now, I’ve to go before I miss the flight but don’t forget to inform me how your talk goes. And if you do _anything_ other than talk,” Balthazar wiggles his eyebrows at ‘anything’, which makes Cas glare at him, “I’ll fly back here just to kick your pretty arse. And do not forget to give your daughter my surprise gift.” Claire was sad when she heard Balthazar was leaving and made Balthazar promise her that he’d come back and stay longer. To make her happy, Balthazar made Cas stop on their way to the airport and bought a cute stuffed lion as a surprise gift for her.

After Cas nods in reply, Balthazar smiles at him one last time and walks through the airport entrance. Cas watches him go for a minute before turning back and going to the parking lot where he’d parked his car.

Getting inside the car, Cas starts the engine and accelerates out of the parking lot. A few minutes later, he’s driving through the highway, passing over the other vehicles in a hurry to go to Dean before he leaves for an emergency.

Cas thinks about what to say. How to say it. There’s a lot of things he can say. But it’s easier said than done. He can only hope he doesn’t mess up by saying something which might hurt Dean. He can only hope Dean understands him and doesn’t break his heart… again.

Cas is so deep in his thoughts, he gets startled when he hears a loud noise- a truck horn. By the time Cas realizes this sound is way too close to him to be normal, it’s already too late. His eyes fall on the truck coming from the wrong direction right at him. Cas panics, frantically swivels the steering wheel, trying to get out of the way as the truck speeds past him, its side almost clashing with the side of Cas’s car, its loud horn making his heart almost jump out of his chest. However, the saloon car coming from behind, makes him take a sharp turn. This causes his car to hit one of the trees standing at the sideline of the road. The front bumper of his car smacks the bark of the tree with a loud crunch. Everything jolts and the glass of the front window crack at the impact, fragments of it raining down at him. Motion pulls Cas forward despite the seat belt strapped across his torso, making him hit the steering wheel face first, his forehead bumping on it. The airbag expands within seconds, sending him back which makes him smack the back of his head on the backrest of his seat. He feels a sharp sting on his forehead before the pain starts radiating from it, spreading to his head. He can feel the warm liquid rolling down the side of his face; vaguely, he wonders if it’s his blood or sweat. Cas lifts his arm- or at least tries to but for some reason, he can’t get his limbs to even move, let alone lift it. He hears a lot of yelling and noises coming from somewhere. The pain in his head increases alarmingly fast. It extends to the rest of his body till he’s aching from head to toe. Hazily, he questions himself whether this is the end or is it just another hurdle in his life. He thinks about his daughter, about what would happen to her if he’d go away too, like her mother. Cas is sure Dean would take care of her because his love for Cas’s daughter is visible to anyone who knows them. And Dean. Cas thinks about Dean, about what happened to them years ago and what happened to them since the moment Dean saved him during the fire incident. It makes him wonder if this time Dean will be here to save him yet again and what could happen to them if he survives this accident. The possibility to even have Dean in his life makes Cas want to get out of the wreckage but he cannot. He feels paralyzed. He tries to move his head, however, the throbbing inside his head stops him. Gradually, his vision blurs and the sounds become muffled till he slips into the agonizing darkness.


	22. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love can save the day sometimes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS!! THEY ARE CANOOONNNNN!!!! We still cannot believe this happened lol  
> Anyways, we got busy in our daily lives and needed s bit of time to make progress with this story but don't worry because things 'might' be looking good. Enjoy this painful chapter and cry because we did while writing it. Kudos and comments are always appreciated.  
> -  
> Also trigger warnings for this chapter: blood, car accidents, injuries and wounds, some trauma, a lot of PAIN

_“...Hold on, I still want you_

_Come back, I still need you_

_Let me take your hand, I'll make it right_

_I swear to love you all my life_

_Hold on, I still need you…”_

“Car accident on the East US Highway 24/40, downtown Lawrence. The victim is still in the car. An ambulance is needed.” The 911 operator informs Charlie through the radio while Dean straps the seatbelt across his body. He’s at the back of the fire engine with Charlie while garth and Donna are at the front seats, with Donna behind the wheel.

“Man, this highway is like a death trap. Way too many accidents to be natural. Should we call an exorcist and check if there’s something unnatural haunting it?” Dean mumbles, checking the first aid box kept in front of him, making sure everything is in order.

Charlie snorts, “It’s not unnatural. It’s just the people who choose to ignore the road warnings and drive like they own the damn road. Especially those big ass vehicles.”

Dean hums in agreement and looks out the window as his thoughts go to Cas. He wonders what he’s doing right now. He wants to apologize for the kiss but he’s not even sure what to say. In reality, he enjoyed it too much to be apologetic about it, yet he cannot tell Cas about it. It will make things worse than it already is. Sighing, Dean takes out his phone and switches it off since he doesn’t want any disturbance during the rescue mission.

As they approach the accident site, Dean notices a few people, along with a few policemen, standing at the yellow tape the police had already placed at around a good distance from the car, to give the fire squad space to take out the injured person from the car without any passersby creating any hindrance. Dean gets out of the vehicle and gets a good look at the wrecked car on the side of the road. The black Audi looks a bit too familiar and as his eyes fall on the number plate at the back of the car, Dean’s heart drops to the ground as his ears start ringing. He recognizes it. It belongs to- Cas. No. _No._

**March 2007**

_“Cas.”_

_“Cas. Babe.”_

_Sweetheart.”_

_“Babe? Cas, please listen to me?” Dean pokes Cas’s arm, trying to make him turn to look at him. He and Cas are sitting on the bleachers during the lunch break. Cas wanted to sit with their friends, maybe because that way he could avoid Dean just like he did at the start of the day at school. But Dean grabbed his hand and dragged him to the bleachers to talk. To convince him what he saw in the diner was nothing._

_“Cas, baby. Please?” Dean touched Cas’s jaw, wanting the gorgeous blue eyes that he loves so much on him. He wants to see Cas’s face to lose its hardness and to see Cas return to his normal happy self that Dean loves so extremely it hurts._

_“Instead of using the pet names on me, just tell me why were you ignoring my calls and texts?” Cas replies, staring away at the empty football field of the school._

Shit. _Dean knows he should tell Cas everything. After all, he’s his boyfriend. The love of his goddamn life. But what would Cas think? Cas has so many dreams about the future. How he and Dean will go to the same college and get an apartment together. How they would adopt a cat and be parents at a young age. No. Dean can’t tell him the truth. He cannot even tell him about his parents. Lee knowing about it is already too embarrassing., if Cas gets to know...no he can’t let it happen._

_Dean gets so lost in the whirlpool of his thoughts, he doesn’t even realize Cas has turned to face him, their knees bumping each other. Cas covers his hands with his and pulls them onto his lap, “Dean, I know there’s something going on. Please tell me? If there is anything I can do, then I’ll try my best. I- I can’t see you getting so secretive with me. We are supposed to share everything with each other, right?” Cas says softly, his thumb caressing the vein on Dean’s wrist in a soothing way._

_The light from the sun is giving Cas a golden glow, making him look tan and his hair looks almost light brown. He looks surreal even in his old red hoodie and faded black ripped jeans. But Dean can’t even appreciate the beauty because his insides twist at Cas’s words. He knows Cas is right. He knows how they never hide anything from each other But… this is something only Dean can take the burden of so he says the only thing that comes to his mind at the moment, “I need you.” His voice a little choked with the heavy feelings he’s feeling for his love right now._

_Cas closes his eyes for a moment before opening them. The raw emotions in his eyes stab Dean right into the very core of his heart._

_“I need you too.” It’s the only thing Cas says before pulling Dean by his hands and wrapping him into a tight hug. Cas’s arms secure around him as he places his head on the crook of his neck. In turn, Dean folds his arms around his torso, laying his head on Cas’s shoulder, breathing in the distinctive smell that only belongs to Cas. Dean can feel their hearts steady beat against each other, their rhythm synchronized with each other, yet he feels like they both are falling into pieces._

**November 2019**

Heart threatening to jump out of his throat, Dean dashes to the car past everyone, almost tripping over the yellow tape. He reaches the car and peeks inside it through the window on the driver’s side. Bile rises up to his mouth as he sees Cas slumped against the car seat, a nasty looking cut on the side of his forehead, drying blood on the side of his face while some have dripped down onto his chin and the collar of his grey shirt, staining it with dark red color. His eyes are closed and his skin is too pale to be normal. 

Dean’s eyes fall to Cas’s chest and he goes numb. Totally and completely numb. A piece of glass is poking out of his chest, a thick ring of blood pooling around it and dripping down on his lap. Dean wants to scream, to fold Cas into his arms. He doesn’t realize he’s mumbling Cas’s name until Charlie comes beside him and curses as she sees Cas. She has the Jaws of Life to crack open the door so Dean snatches it from her and tries to break the door open. But his shaky hands and frantic breathing doesn’t help him too much. He swears loudly and tries again. 

“He’s losing too much blood!” Someone yells. But Dean tries again. 

Cas is getting worse by seconds but Dean cannot even open the damn thing. So fucking useless. What if Cas di- NO, he _cannot_ think about it. He refuses to think about it. He’s gonna be alright. He has to be. For Dean. For his little daughter who already has lost her mother. 

A pair of hands stop his failing attempt to operate on the door and pull the Jaws of life away. He almost snarls at the person- Charlie, he dazedly recognizes- because he has to save Cas. He _has to_.

“I know, Dean,” Seems like Dean said it out loud since Donna tries to speak to him in a calm voice, “But you are not in the condition to do it. It’s already a conflict of interest since you know him so I cannot let you do it if you act like this. It will make it difficult for us and it might make him more uncomfortable than he already is.” The words of his captain grab Dean’s attention. Of course, she’s right. 

“Dean, whether be a part of the team and help us without trying to do everything by yourself or be his friend and stand aside while we pull him out of the car,” Donna says firmly while Charlie manages to open the door. Garth is on the other side of the car, trying to open the passenger door. 

Be his friend or be a professional. Dean wants to be Cas’s friend at the moment, to be with him. But he _needs_ to be a professional and help the others to safely rescue Cas because otherwise, he’ll never be able to look at himself in the mirror. Resisting the urge to pull Cas into his arms, Dean mumbles, “I’ll be professional.” Then he pulls out a knife from the rescue kit to cut the seatbelt. Then he lets Charlie and Garth put a neck brace around Cas’s neck, almost yelling at them when Cas’s head tilts to the side a little bit. Charlie seems to understand since she winces a bit and murmurs a sorry, to whom- Cas or Dean?- he doesn’t know. 

“A piece of the glass shard has cut through his shirt and punctured his skin. That’s where this blood is coming from, along with the injury on the forehead. We need to get him to the hospital, stat,” Charlie says calmly but sternly. 

The next moments go by a blur for Dean. He remembers helping his teammates pull Cas out of the wreckage. He remembers holding Cas’s hand with a strength that would usually make Cas wince but he doesn’t even respond. He remembers how fragile Cas looked when he was getting strapped on the gurney. 

Right now, he’s inside the ambulance with Charlie, taking Cas to the nearest hospital. He’s holding Cas’s hand tightly between his trembling ones, while Charlie puts the oxygen mask on his face. The dried blood looks vivid against the pale skin of Cas under the bright lights inside the ambulance. Cas’s skin is still pale. It makes Dean’s stomach churn. The glass piece is still sticking out, making Dean nauseous every time h's eyes fall on it.

Six years ago when Dean joined the firefighting job he knew one day he’d probably have to have someone close to him in the victim’s position, but the little tidbit that he might see Cas in this position never crossed his mind. Maybe because he still wasn’t back in his life. But then it happened. He came back. And he got hurt. And now seeing him in this state is making Dean’s head spin. Mentally pleading to Cas to be alright, Dean stays by his side all the way to the hospital.

Several minutes later, they reach the hospital. Jumping out of the ambulance, Charlie, with the help of a nurse and Garth, brings a stretcher for Cas. With steady and careful hands, they transfer him to the stretcher. Dean doesn’t let go of his hand during the whole time.

The hospital staff is about to rush Cas inside the hospital but one of them notices Dean hasn’t let go of Cas, “Sir, we got him. Your job is done here.” 

“I’m- I-” Dean stumbles over his words, his mind running a hundred miles per second.

Thankfully Donna intervenes, “He’s with him. Dean, you can go with Castiel. We’ll manage everything else.” Donna looks at Dean with a soft and worried expression on her face.

Dean nods and hopes Donna would take it as a thank you. He hurries inside the hospital with the nurses pulling the stretcher while Cas lays on it motionless.

Within minutes, Cas is shuffled inside the ICU. The moment Dean has to let go of Cas’s hand, he starts to shake. Through the small window on the door, Dean can see how the doctor and the nurses are cutting Cas's clothes and doing other medical procedures but he cannot bear watching Cas getting ready to be operated on. Trying to take deep breaths to avoid having a panic attack, he slumps down on one of the plastic chairs kept in the hallway outside the room they took Cas inside.

What should he do now? Call Cas’s family? But he doesn’t have any of their numbers. Dean tried to think of something but his brain seems to be stuck on playing the part where Cas was lying unconscious on the stretcher on a loop. Pressing the heel on his palms on his eyes, he tries to get his mind to work as if enough pressure on his eyes would make him forget about the image scarred into his mind. Minutes pass like that and finally, a nurse comes out of the ICU. 

Dean jumps out of his seat and hurries to her.

“How is he? Is it too serious?” Dean questions in a rush. When the nurse looks confusingly at him, he adds, “I’m his friend.”

“We took out the glass piece. It didn't cause too many problems except blood loss. But the injury to the head caused a brain hemorrhage which needs to be treated immediately. Otherwise, the patient may go into a coma.” The nurse watches Dean worriedly. 

Dean almost falls onto his knees the moment he hears the word ‘coma’. Words fail to come out of his mouth as he tries to speak. The nurse seems to understand his speechlessness. 

“They are gonna start the treatment now. Please fill the patient form at the reception. We need it to begin the treatment, along with the payment.” With that, the nurse walks away. 

Dean doesn’t know how he got to the reception and did just as the nurse told him to do. He even paid every bit of Cas’s hospital fees hoping and praying that Cas would get the best treatment. Everything blurs past him but he clearly remembers dragging his feet as quickly as he can back to the hallway outside the ICU.

He peeks through the window and sees the doctor injecting something on the vein on one of Cas’s arms. He’s been stripped to nothing above the waist, with light blue pajamas covering his lower body, and a thick white bandage is pasted on his chest. The blood has been all cleared up, though the skin is still slightly pink. His head is wrapped in a white bandage with an oxygen mask on his face. A small white clamp is on one of his fingers and Dean peeks at the heart rate monitor to see the green line it’s showing is wavering a bit by bit every passing moment. He feels his feet getting numb with fear. He cannot think of the future where he doesn’t have to live in the future where Cas is… Dean’s breath hitches even at the thought. He stands at the door, witnessing how Cas is struggling with his life. Dean rubs a hand across his neck and notices it’s a bit red. _Cas’s blood._ He has Cas’s blood from all the handling he did while coming to the hospital and he didn’t even realize. Dean almost stumbles on his way to the washroom.

Turning on the tap with a quick twist, he puts his hands under the water. The coldness of it makes him almost flinch and his hands tremble. Rubbing his hands to make them burn, Dean tries to get the blood out of his hands. 

Satisfied with the lack of blood, Dean turns off the tap. He looks back down at his hands, and for a split second, he envisions the blood again. Dean shakes his head, placing a barrier between him and his traumatizing thoughts, and is about to leave when his eyes fall on the mirror. He looks at his reflection. A face full of worry stares back at him. Tearing his eyes off from the mirror, Dean goes away from the washroom, letting the door slam behind him.

He’s a few feet away from the ICU when he sees a tall male doctor rush inside the room. Cursing under his breath, Dean takes long steps and reaches the room. He peeks through the window on the door to see the doctor holding a pair of pads of the AED while Cas is lying still on the bed, cannula taped on his arm and hand bandaged with a thick layer of gauze. Dean’s eyes fall on the heart rate monitor and almost swallows hard, resisting the urge to scream. The heartbeat rate line on the monitor is almost flat. _Almost._

No. _No no no no no._ Dean stumbles back as he sees the doctor pressing the pads on Cas’s chest making his back arch, lifting him off the bed. Dean flops down on the chair with his hands on his head, his heart beating wildly, screaming _Cas Cas Cas_ with every beat _._ This cannot happen. He can’t just go away. He has to live. For his daughter. For his brothers. For Dean. 

“Dean!” He looks up to see Sam hurrying to him at a fast pace. His face is full of concern.

As soon as he’s within an arm’s reach, Dean stands up and wraps his arm around his brother, almost choking on his tears.

“Sam- he- I,” he tries to speak after letting go of Sam, however, words fail him.

“Dean. Charlie told me what happened. It’s gonna be alright. He's gonna be alright. Have faith,” Sam says in a soft voice. Dean glances at the door. He can see a little from where he’s standing. But that’s enough to see the doctor fumbling with Cas’s tubes. Sam takes a look at Cas and inhales loudly.

“Dean, please calm down. Did you inform anyone from his family?”

Shit.

“No, I- I forgot- he-'' Dean stutters, his brain still processing how Cas’s heart almost stopped beating forever. Once Cas had told him how it only beat for him. Then they ended. But now he’s back and Dean desperately wants him around him. He wants Cas to be in his life. Doesn’t matter what they are. Friends or lovers. He wants to take whatever he gets as long as Cas is around. So he prays. He prays in his mind. He prays with his heart, his soul. He pleads to Cas to get better.

“It’s okay. I’ll...I’ll do something.” Sam’s voice breaks Dean out of his thoughts. He nods mutely and starts pacing back and forth, with his hands on his hips while Sam walks away with his phone in his hand.

A moment later one of the nurses opens the door and Dean steps aside to let her out.

“Is.. is he okay?” Dean asks in a trembling voice.

“I’ll be honest with you, his heart stopped working for a while-” Dean’s heart twists, “- which was why the doctor had to use AED on him. Now his heartbeat is almost stable again but he’s not out of the danger just yet. We still need to run some more tests to make sure the surgery had no further complications.”

“Further?” It is Sam that asks. He’s back after his phone calls. 

The nurse nods slowly, “The surgery was successful for the intracerebral hemorrhage however he went into bradycardia and that's why his heart stopped momentarily. But rest assured, he’ll be okay. He’s a fighter.” Dean has done enough training as a firefighter to know that intracerebral hemorrhage and bradycardia in the same sentence was not good. 

“Can I see him? Please? I won’t go near the bed. Just, please. Let me be there.” Dean pleads, not being able to tolerate standing idle in the hallway while Cas struggles with his life.

“I’m sorry but it’s not allowed. We will let you know when you can enter the room to see him.”

Feeling annoyed and frustrated, Dean walks over to the plastic chairs lined up against the wall. He slides down on the char and leans against the wall, its coldness a sharp sting on his sweaty back. But right now, all he can think about Cas and how he’s inside the room, all vulnerable. 

Minutes pass and Dean’s mind keeps spiraling down. Finally, the doctor comes out of the room. Dean stands up as he steps towards him.

“Is he…?”

“He’s alright. Out of danger now. The internal bleeding was the major problem but it’s treated and he’s stable at the moment.” The riptide of relief comes over Dean and he breathes out loud, feeling his heart finally calm down for the first time since he’s seen Cas’s car on the side of the road.

The doctor smiles, “You can go see him now. But he's on morphine so he won't be awake now.”

Dean’s eyes light up, his insides calming with relief, as he rushes into the room, not hearing the doctor ask Sam, “What did you say his relationship was to the patient?” and Sam’s low reply of “They’re close.” 


	23. Chapter Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is better when you have company...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, we are extremely SORRY about delaying it for a long time. We know it made y'all angry/sad but we couldn't help it. The finale made us both too sad and frustrated to even write about our beloved characters. We just hope y'all forgive us and enjoy the chapter.
> 
> PS. We are nearing the ending soon. So things will get sorted out real soon. YAY.  
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated.

_ “...How deep the wound how sharp the cut _

_ We can try our best but we just can't hide the blood _

_ It knocks us down but we'll get up _

_ Oh, we still got fight _

_ Yeah, we still got fight…” _

For the second time in three months, Cas opens his eyes to find the white ceiling of a hospital room staring back at him. His eyes are immediately blinded by the bright lights and he squirms, shutting his eyes close. His head hurts, his muscles feel like they’re on fire and he feels a hand wrapped around his left hand. Cas lays quietly, trying to quieten the noises in his head. 

Then he tries again, taking deep breaths through his nose. He opens his eyes again, slowly adjusting to the light in the room, and turns his head to the side a little bit. The first thing he sees is Dean. Dean with his hand enclosed around Castiel’s hand, his thumb pressing on the vein of his wrist. Dean with his head on the edge of Cas’s bed. The steady rise and fall of his back tell Cas he’s fast asleep. He’s wearing a plain white t-shirt. 

Cas tries to lift his head but the movement makes his head spin and sting and he immediately lays back down with a groan. The noise stirs Dean as he slowly wakes up. He blinks a few times and instantly looks at Cas.

“Cas,” Dean says quietly, watching Cas in awe. 

Cas smiles weakly, “Hey.”

They stare at each other for a few moments silently, before Cas blinks, “So, are you going to tell me how I’m at a hospital with all these tubes coming out of me, or are you going to sit there and look pretty?” he tries to joke.

***

Dean stares at Cas as he breaks into a gentle smile, something Dean is definitely not prepared for. Dean is still speechless so instead, he lifts himself up to his feet and scuttles forward to wrap his arms around Cas, carefully avoiding all the tubes and the bandage wrapped around his head.

“You’re okay, that’s what matters,” Dean mutters weakly, pulling away. 

When Dean pulls away, Cas looks even more baffled, “Dean, How are you here? How did I get here? Where’s Claire? The last thing I remember is driving Balthazar to the airport and a truck came from the wrong direction. I panicked and swerved to the side but-” The panic in his voice is clear to Dean.

“Calm down, Cas. Don’t think about it now.” Dean collects himself again, “The people who were present at the place called 911.” 

Cas’s eyes widen, “Claire…”

Dean squeezes the hand he’s still holding, “She’s okay. Sam went by your place and talked to Kelly Kline and she agreed to look after Claire. Claire’s okay, I promise.” 

Cas sighs, relaxing back into his bed, “How did you get here, Dean?”

Dean tilts his head, a habit he caught from Cas, “Who do you think arrived at the accident?”

Cas blinks again, opening his mouth and then closing it, all the while gazing at Dean. 

“Yeah,” Dean says slowly, eyes never leaving Cas, “The accident was bad. You- it- it was bad. We brought you here. The doctors patched you up.”  _ The doctors saved you. You almost died. You were bleeding out and I couldn’t save you. I wasn’t enough.  _ Dean doesn’t say the rest of the words but Cas seems to sense this regardless. 

“ _ Dean. _ How bad?” Cas asks, concerned, “You look like you haven’t slept in days. How long have I been here?” 

“There was a lot of blood Cas,” Dean answers slowly, “You had a hemorrhage but the doctors treated you but then- then- your heart-” Dean is unable to get the words out without choking on his words because of the way Cas’s eyes turn wide, “-your heart almost stopped.” 

Cas watches as Dean struggles to continue, “The doctors took care of you, you’re okay now. And- it’s been 2 days.” 

Cas frowns, staring at the room for a moment, “You’ve been through a lot.” 

Dean huffs, “Cas, did you not hear me?  _ You _ are the one who was in a fucking car accident.” 

Cas smiles, eyes meeting Dean again, “But you’re the one who had to find me in that state. You saved me again.” Dean doesn’t say anything.

A silence falls between them. Dean is still holding Cas’s hand, and Cas lets him. Cas closes his eyes as if he’s enjoying the quiet. 

“Thank you.”

Dean thinks he imagined it. 

But Cas voices out again, “Thank you for taking care of Claire. Thank you for being here. Thank you for paying my hospital fees.” 

“I never said I-” 

Cas smiles gently again, “I know how this stuff works, Dean. And I know you.” 

Dean stops protesting and nods in return, feeling flustered all of a sudden. 

“I know we have our ups and downs. So many downs,” Cas says sadly, “But you’re always here. Thank you.” 

Dean doesn’t know what to say, so he squeezes Cas’s hand in return, watching the slow rise and fall of the other man’s chest as Castiel drifts back into slumber. 

**Flashback to 2 days ago**

_ “Dean.” Sam is watching Dean from the doorway. Dean is frantic and panicked as he checks Cas. Cas is laying on the bed, pale and unconscious. The nurses explain to them that Cas will be out of it for a while and nobody knows when he’ll wake up, even though Cas is fine.  _

_ “Dean,” Sam tries again.  _

_ Dean turns around, “Yeah?” _

_ “You need to relax. Cas is okay. He’s just sleeping, he’ll be fine. But you need to breathe and calm down,” Sam says gently. _

_ Dean nods, walking over to Sam, “I almost- he- I could have lost him today.”  _

_ “I understand. But you didn’t.” _

_ Dean shuts his eyes, “I can’t lose him.” _

_ “I know.”  _

_ Dean feels his brother’s strong hands on his shoulders and he opens his eyes.  _

_ “Stay with him. I’ll take Claire to the Klines, and make sure she’s okay. I informed Michael. He said he will try to come here. But I told him you’re here so he doesn’t need to worry. I’ll bring you some food and a change of clothes,” Sam says calmly.  _

_ Dean gulps and sighs, “Thank you. And tell Claire I’m with Cas. She’ll feel better knowing Cas isn’t alone.”  _

_ “Of course.”  _

_ When Sam leaves, Dean pulls the chair close to Cas’s bed and positions himself close to his friend. He takes Cas’s limp hand, rubbing small circles on the back of it, thumbing the vein on his wrist, feeling the pulse throbbing under his fingertip. It soothes his mind _

_ “Cas. Wake up soon, okay? You’re okay now. I’m here. I’ll be here. Please be alright.” _

**Present** ****

“Dad!” Claire’s scream makes Cas almost jump out of his skin. He looks at the doorway of the room to find Claire running at him. Before Claire can jump on the bed, Dean grabs her and pulls her into his arms.

“Here, lemme put you on the bed.” With careful hands, Dean manages to make Clare sit beside Cas’s reclining body on the hospital bed.

“Are you okay, papa bear?” Claire asks, hugging Cas’s arm while burying her face into his chest. He almost winces as it slightly puts pressure on the bandages on his chest. 

“I’m okay now that you’re here, Claire bear,” he replies softly stroking the ponytail on his daughter’s hair. Cas’s soul relaxes as he smells the familiar smell of her baby powder. He almost lost his daughter. He almost broke his promise that he would never leave her alone. The mere thought of not seeing, not having his daughter close to him again makes tears pool in his eyes. 

A hand lands on his shoulder and makes him look up. Dean is standing beside him with a soft expression and a small smile on his face. Cas reciprocates the smile and mouths a ‘thank you’. Dean nods, his eyes showing he knows how it’s not a thank you for moving Claire onto the bed, it’s for not making whatever happened to them in the past a priority. It’s for saving his life. It’s for making sure Claire wasn’t left alone. It’s for being the Dean Cas had fallen in love with all those years ago.

Days pass by as Cas recovers in the hospital. During the first few days, he needs help moving around and Dean is there to help him. Whenever he needs something, Dean is there without even him asking. Kelly and Jack bring Claire every day after school and spend time with him till the afternoon. They even let Claire sleep in the guest room of their house at night. Cas can’t stop saying thank you to Kelly because that’s more than what a blood relative usually does for one. Kelly waves him off by saying ‘neighbors should always help each other.’ But Cas knows his other neighbors would never have been this kind.

His brothers call him every day and keep him company from far away. They both have tried to come but Cas promised them he’s fine and is taken care of. Cas tries to work from the hospital but Dean won’t have any of it. Every time Cas uses his phone, Dean scolds him. 

A week later finds Cas trying to get up from the hospital bed because he is too restless. Grabbing the railing of the bed, he is pulling himself up when the door opens. 

“Cas! What are you doing?” Dean rushes to him and wraps an arm around his waist without hesitation, while the other grabs his arm, making him steady.

“I’m feeling restless. I cannot just lay down all day,” Cas whines as he’s being sat down on the bed.

Dean rolls his eyes, “Okay, you big baby. I’ll talk to the doctors and see if you are allowed to be discharged yet or not.”

Cas’s eyes light up, “Really? That’s awesome.”

Dean chuckles at his happy smile. Its sound makes Cas’s heart filled with contentment. Dean leaves to check with the doctors leaving Cas staring at his hospital slippers, hands still gripping the handle of this bed. 

After a while, Dean returns with a bright smile which makes Cas’s stomach turn, “Good news, they’re letting you go! But you still gotta rest up for a few days, so that means,” Dean steps closer, “No work.” 

Cas pouts, “But I run a company.” 

Dean frowns, crossing arms, “Tough shit, Cas. Doctors orders. You need to rest. And god forbid if I find you working I will kick your ass myself.” 

“Threatening a man when he’s already down?” Cas pretends to be offended but then he grins, enjoying Dean’s light humor. Dean makes a face and throws a pair of blue jeans and a black shirt and a new change of underwear for Cas to change into and helps him to the en-suite bathroom. When Cas comes out, Dean has his- and Dean’s since he spent most of the time with Cas- bags already packed. 

“I told Sam, and he’s gonna come over to your place with food in a few hours. I’ll drive you home. And I’ll pick up Claire later too,” Dean says nonchalantly. 

Cas silently watches Dean, leaning against the bathroom door. 

Dean turns around confused, “What?”

“You’re amazing,” the words spill out of Cas before he can stop them. 

Dean smirks, not showing any signs of bashfulness, “I know, blue eyes. You ready?” He holds out his elbow. Nodding, Cas hooks his arm around Dean's elbow for support as he slowly limps out of the room.

Cas is surprised by the state of his house; it’s clean, neat, and smells like jasmine flowers. 

He doesn’t question whether Dean kept the place clean, as Dean settles him down on the couch. Cas watches as Dean hauls in the bags by himself, eyes slowly drifting to the refined muscles popping out of the thin fabric of Dean’s white shirt.

Dean catches him staring but instead of blushing he just says, “Yeah, you sit there and look pretty while I go and keep your stuff in your room.” The cheery tone in Dean’s voice makes Cas laugh, “Thank you, Dean.” 

Sam arrives soon after with a full course meal packed in little plastic boxes. After Dean helps Cas change, they sit at the dining table, sharing food back and forth and enjoying each other’s company. Sam eyes Dean and Cas carefully, noticing how there’s no air of awkwardness or uncomfortable silences. 

“I’ll pick up Claire from school in an hour,” Dean breaks the silence, swallowing the last bit of his noodles. 

Cas nods, “Don’t tell her I’m home yet. I want to surprise her.” 

Dean grins, eyes shining as he agrees. Sam finishes his noodles and Dean can feel his eyes on him. He ignores it because he knows what Sam has to say about the fact that he is helping Cas without any expectations.

After the meal, Sam cleans the boxes- despite Cas’s protests- and Dean takes his Baby to pick up the little Novak. Sam side-eyes Cas, with a small smile as he cleans the last few plates. 

“You and Dean are doing good huh?” Sam asks casually. Cas knows why he is asking about it.

After a small pause, Cas replies, “Yes, I believe so. He’s been helping out a lot, and I’m grateful for that.” 

Sam turns off the tap and faces Cas, “Cas. You know what I mean.”

Cas looks up, trying to look like he has no idea what Sam is talking about, “Dean and I are just friends.” 

Sam tilts his head slowly, “And that kiss?” 

“Sam, that was ages ago, why are you bringing this up now?” Cas asks, stuttering a little as his nerves settle in. 

Sam sighs in defeat, “All I’m saying is that Dean’s always been a better person when he’s with you. I don’t know what you feel for him after all these years, but I know my brother and I know he still cares deeply for you. You and he work well together, that’s all I’m saying.”

Cas nods, thanking Sam for cleaning the dishes, and remains quiet, fiddling with his thumbs, as Sam throws away the empty boxes into the trashcan.

After a while, Cas hears the familiar roar of the Impala’s engine. 

“Come on, Claire,” Cas hears Dean’s voice ring through the house as they enter and it makes his heart ache again. Cas wants this so bad. He wants Dean to come home to him every day, pick up Claire, and have meals together as a family. But he knows it’s something that can never come to pass. Cas is immediately pulled out of his stupor when he sees Claire’s massive bright smile. 

“Hi, Claire bear,” Cas grins, opening his arms as he still sits on the couch. 

“Papa bear! You’re home!” Claire sprints up to Cas, and Cas quickly scoops her up into his arms. He places Claire on his lap, swinging her legs to one side. 

“Yes, I’m home. But your papa still needs to rest,” Cas says. 

“Are you still hurting?” Claire’s small face turning sad makes Cas wanna curse himself for getting into the accident even though he knows it wasn’t his fault. He nods once.

“And that means no playing games, no disturbing your dad, okay?” Dean cuts in, swinging Claire’s backpack over his shoulder. 

Claire nods at them both eagerly as she wraps her arms around Cas and buries her face into his chest. 

“Princess, let’s get you changed up,” Dean says slowly, “We don’t want your dad getting sick from the germs you brought home from school, now do we?” Cas snorts slowly, watching Claire’s eyes turn wide as she jumps off from Cas’s lap, shaking her little head.

“Dean, please check if she has any homework due soon,” Cas says gently, as he sees Claire wrapping her hand around Dean’s pinky finger. 

“Gotcha,” Dean winks playfully, as Claire drags Dean up the stairs. 

Cas sighs, turning to see Sam watching them with a smile. 

“What?” Cas asks. 

Sam’s smile doesn’t falter as he says, “You, Dean, and Claire look like a family.” 

Cas’s mouth falls open as if he’s about to protest but then he stops. It still hurts, every time he thinks about it, but Dean has become an integral part of his family. And he doesn’t even know how it happened. Maybe it is the residue feelings left from all those years ago. Or maybe it is just Dean who always manages to make everything better.


	24. Chapter Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A secret, a confession, and two broken hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!! So... this is the chapter where shit hits the fan both in past and present so we recommend y'all to brace yourself for the breaking of those two dumbasses' hearts... ENJOY!!
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated as usual :)
> 
> PS. the lyrics for this chapter are what inspired this story.

_“...The brightness of the sun, will give me just enough_

_To bury my love, in the Moondust_

_I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice_

_To bury my love, in the moondust…”_

The week passes slowly for Cas. He spends most of his time in bed. To pass time, he ordered a few novels online. But reading for a long time gives him a headache. So he chose to watch documentaries about nature which made him long to go out without worrying about his injuries. When Dean comes to visit him one day, he whines about not able to pass time. Dean just snorts in response and the next thing he knows, they are playing Scrambles. Not just Scrambles, they play monopoly and Uno too. Apparently, Dean knows how Cas can get whiny so he already put the board games in his car before visiting Cas. For hours they play and bicker and enjoy each other’s company, none of them bringing out the fact that they still haven’t talked about the kiss or their argument. 

Cas is checking the hundreds of unread emails in his inbox in his Macbook when the sound of the front door opening echoes through the house which he hears from his perch on his bed.

“Dean? Is that you?” He calls out, getting up from the bed. His minor wounds have mostly healed, and his head doesn’t throb every time he stands up. He slowly makes his way down the stairs, hands gripping the rail steadily until he miscalculates the last step. 

“Woah-” Cas’s breath falters as he almost falls but Dean is right there, beside him, holding him upright. 

“Haven’t I told you to stay in bed?” Dean scolds. 

Cas grins sheepishly, putting his weight into Dean, “I didn’t know if I was getting robbed or if it was you.” 

Dean rolls his eyes, gently removing his hand from Cas’s waist and around his shoulder, “Idiot, who else has your house key?” Cas laughs until he hears Claire screeching in the living room. Cas panics for a moment but Dean’s feet are already scurrying, dragging the other man with him. 

“Claire?” They ask in unison. 

“Can we keep him??” Claire squeals. 

Dean’s panicked look breaks into a laugh as they stare at the black box on the ground. 

“Keep who? What did you do?” Cas immediately asks seriously. 

Dean makes sure Cas is stable before he lets go and kneels beside Claire, “You wanna see?” Dean asks Claire. Claire nods eagerly trying to peek into the box. Dean opens the box and a little ball of black fur hops out meowing. Claire giggles, immediately hugging it. Cas peeks at the thing and groans. A kitten. A black small kitten with big blue eyes. Dammit, Dean. 

_“Dean.”_ A stern voice freezes Dean.

Dean glances up, acting innocent, “What? I rescued this little baby this morning. He needs a new home, Cas. Thought Miss Clare would love him. And, by the way, she has been complaining about how you wouldn’t give her a pet.” Dean shrugs. Suddenly, Cas feels a little bad because it’s true Claire wants a pet since she’s all alone most of the time and she can’t always go to the Klines.

Cas bit his lips nervously, eyes darting between Dean and Claire, “Dean, I’m not well enough to look after a kitten _and_ a child.” 

Dean sighs, standing up and walking towards Cas till he closes the gap between them, “You don’t mind if I stick around some more, right? I can help manage things here until you’re fully recovered.” Dean’s voice softens, “It’s your call. But you know, Claire already loves him.” Dean turns around to see Claire giggling as she plays with the kitten who keeps meowing while pawing at Claire's outstretched hand. Cas follows him and looks at his daughter being all smiley and happy with her new pet.

A stream of endless thoughts crosses Castiel’s mind. What if Dean leaves again? How will he manage then? Does he have the heart and patience to manage everything? 

But seeing his daughter smiling bright and laughing as she brings the kitten back into her arms, Cas can’t say no. 

“Fine. Okay, you win. But he’s _your_ responsibility. You saved him, after all,” A small smile plays on Cas’s lips. 

“It’s a deal,” Dean smiles cheekily, shaking hands with Cas even though they both know at that moment Cas would end up falling in love with the kitten anyway. 

After enjoying the lunch Dean has prepared- lasagne and salad- and brought for them, they decide to name the kitten. Claire slips away in the middle of Dean and Cas arguing over kitten names, and they’re immersed in their dispute until they hear a screech. Worried that Claire has gotten injured, Dean hurries first. Instead, he finds Claire chasing their new kitten around the living room screaming, “Mr. Black, come back!” and that’s how they ended up naming their newest family member Mr. Black. 

***

Dean spends most days at Castiel’s. At this point, Dean has been around so much so that Cas offers him the guest room which Dean really appreciates because the couch is really bad news for his back. 

Dean would wake up early, and make sure Claire wakes up to get her ready for bed as Cas sleeps peacefully. Dean makes breakfast for Claire, leaving some covered with a plate for Cas, and leaves a note. Dean drives Claire to school, dropping her off, before driving himself to work.

Sam has already tried to talk to him about how inconvenient this whole arrangement is, but Dean waved him off saying Cas needs him. However, he didn’t mention how Dean needs to be near him too. Not only because of the injury or Claire but also because he needs Cas. He needs to make sure Cas is alright and he needs to assure himself Cas is still alive and well.

A week after Cas got released from the hospital, Dean enters the Novaks’ house after coming from his shift. Today’s been a lazy day. No senior citizen got into trouble nor did any people thought it would be fun to put their head into a microwave oven.

The living room and the kitchen are empty which means Cas is likely to be in his room and Claire is probably playing with Mr. Black.

Dean climbs up the stairs and is about to walk to Cas’s bedroom when his eyes fall on the door on his right side. It’s the door that usually stays locked as per Claire. “Dad doesn’t let anyone go inside,” she informed him once. 

Now it’s ajar and he sees some movement inside. Curiously he walks to it and opens the door a little bit.

Wearing a full-sleeved white t-shirt and black trousers, Cas is standing in the middle of the room. His back is at Dean so he doesn’t seem to know he’s here. As his eyes move from Cas to the thing in the corner of the room, his body goes still, and a gasp comes out of his mouth involuntarily. Cas whirls around and almost stumbles back.

“ _Dean._ ”

But Dean’s attention isn’t on him right now. His eyes are fixated on the huge portrait behind Cas. Green eyes, freckles, flannel, and all the other things which belong to him. The man in the portrait is a replica of him- or more like a painted version of him. A painted version of him when he was eighteen and Cas was still in his life. Dean’s head spins, questions building up in his mind. He steps inside the room and towards Cas- and the portrait.

“It’s me,” he chokes up.

Cas doesn’t say anything.

“When- when did you paint it?”

A few moments of silence pass before Cas speaks up, “College. When I was in college.”

College. That means not long after he went away from Lawrence. Dean moves nearer to him. 

“Cas, why-” He struggles to speak, the words sticking to the back of his throat. 

Dean’s eyes shift furiously between the painting and Cas. 

Cas sighs, placing the paintbrush down on the pallet and moving his current painting to the side to dry. He lowers his head. 

“I didn’t want you to find this. It’s just- I didn’t want to freak you out,” Cas says slowly. 

Dean blinks, “I’m just confused. We had already broken up when you left for college so why- why...” Dean trails off.

Cas bits his lips nervously, fiddling with his thumbs. He glances at the portrait, “For closure. I thought if I painted you, it would help me move on. I thought it would give me closure in a way. But then halfway through it, I realized the pain was too deep to mask with colors.” 

Dean’s breath hitches. He doesn’t say anything but his eyes are now firmly on Cas. After a moment of silence filled with tension, Dean speaks, “For closure? You mean you wanted to forget me? To, what, move on? You already had, remember? You were the one to leave. You had a fucking girlfriend who gave you a kid. You had moved on, Cas. If anyone needed closure, it was me. Not you.” The last part is just a broken whisper, which manages to make Cas almost flinch.

“I- I hadn’t. When I left yo- this place, I wasn’t doing okay. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I had to do something to get my mind off from… everything that happened.”

“But it didn’t work.” A simple statement that speaks more than anything else Dean can think of.

“No.” Cas meets Dean’s eyes as he looks up. Eyes filled with unmasked pain and remorse and something else which reminds Dean of the day Cas had left him all those years ago, Cas gazes at him. When he doesn’t say anything, Cas straightens up. 

“I’m sorry, just- let’s leave,” Cas says quickly, brushing past Dean rapidly but Dean grabs his wrist before Cas has a chance to escape. Cas’s pulse jumps under Dean’s fingertip.

“No wait, wait, I have more questions,” Dean says quickly, “What happened the other day? Why did you kiss me?” 

“It was a dumb impulsive thing to do, I shouldn’t have done it,” Cas fires back but Dean’s not having it.

“Dumb impulsive my ass,” Dean grunts, still holding Cas’s wrist, “It didn’t seem dumb when you were trying to fucking eat me out, Cas.” 

Cas yanks his hand away, “Don’t be crass. I shouldn’t have done it, okay? Just forget about it.” 

Cas begins to walk away when Dean abruptly says, “Oh, like how you ‘forgot’ about me? Or more like how you _couldn’t_ forget and went and painted me? Like that?” 

Cas halts in his tracks, turning around, “Yes, like how you showed your true colors in our final school year.” 

Dean frowns, “ _Me?_ You’re the one who became cold and distant.”

“ _You’re_ the one who went behind my back with Lee!” Cas fired back, suddenly realizing he was now yelling. 

Dean pauses, “Lee? Is this what it’s about? He’s just a friend, I’ve already told you this.” 

“He seemed _more_ than friendly with you the other day at the bar,” Cas lowers his voice hoping his daughter doesn’t hear any of this.

“That’s just how Lee is. And you’re not one to talk, Balthazar was all over you that day too.” 

“Shut up,” The words fly out of Cas’s mouth unfiltered, “Just shut up and leave my house.”

But Dean holds his ground, “All these years and you still don’t trust me, huh? After all these years, after trying my damn best to make it up to you. After saving you countless amounts of times, after looking out for you, for _Claire._ ” 

Cas inhales loudly but doesn’t get the chance to speak since Dean doesn’t let him. He continues, “I loved you, Cas. I trusted you. I felt. Back then, when you left me, I thought it was because I wasn’t enough. Because you realized how messed up my life was. All these years, I thought it was my fault you left.”

“If you really loved and trusted me then why did you lie every time I asked you if there was something to tell me about? Especially when you spent more time with Lee instead of me?”

 _Tell him,_ Dean’s mind urges, _tell him everything._ For the first time in a long time, Dean listens to his mind and proceeds to tell Cas everything.

**April 2007**

_When Dean opens the door of his bedroom, the first thing he sees is Cas. He’s sitting on his bed with his squinted eyes focused on the screen of his phone, its light illuminating his face. He’s wearing a grey shirt and black jeans._ God, he’s beautiful _, Dean thinks, as he entered the room and shut the door behind him._

_“Hello, Dean,” Cas greets him, looking up from his phone._

_“Hey,” Dean replies as he walks towards his boyfriend. Standing between his legs, Dean bends forward a little bit and plants a soft kiss on Cas’s lips, who already has his chin tilted up. He tastes like honey and mint._

_“I’ve been waiting for you,” Cas murmurs as Dean flops down beside him. Dean knows. He saw the texts when he was with Lee, talking with the lawyer. But obviously, he can’t say where he was to Cas. So he tries to change the topic._

_“Aw, did you miss me?” he says, fluttering his eyelashes. From the way Cas’s jaw clenches, Dean is sure he’s not gonna let it go. He sighs and wraps Cas in a hug, feeling his heartbeat against his chest. Being in Cas’s arms makes him relax because he’s the only thing that’s good in his life right now. His family is crumbling down and, in a way, he's holding the hammer which is responsible to break it apart. He’s not even sure if he’s gonna get into college or not. So Cas is the only thing that is steady and sure. However, whenever Cas becomes suspicious or angry, Dean fears it’s gonna end one day. And he cannot even blame Cas. It’s him who’s hiding shit anyway._

_Cas’s warm touch on his face brings him back to reality. The mere touch from him acts as a balm on his pain. He sighs, burying his face on the crook of Cas’s neck._

_“Dean, are you alright?”_

_No, he’s not alright. He’s far from alright. But all he can do right now is just nod. Swallowing, he backs up just to find Cas looking at him with a hard expression._

_“What?” he looks away, fiddling with the hem of his black AC/DC T-shirt._

_“Nothing. I just missed you.” A knife buries itself in his heart._

_Dean takes Cas’s hands in his and holds them on his lap._

_“Did you decide about college?” The knife twists, digging deeper._

_“No, not yet.” Cas’s eyebrows scrunch._

_“But… classes start in August, Dean. You gotta make a decision as soon as possible.”_

_Dean doesn’t say anything, the knife keeps getting deeper, bleeding him._

_Dean lets out a deep shaky breath, “I don’t think I’m gonna go to college.”_

_Cas stills, staring at his face. Then after a moment, abruptly, he gets up from bed, snatching his hands away from Dean. Dean feels the emptiness in his heart too. His guts are screaming how this is going to be a trainwreck._

_Cas starts pacing back and forth, hands roughing up his hair. Suddenly, he stops and turns to face him. His face is stoic but his eyes- the very eyes which are always so soft and loving- are hard and brutal. It causes the wound to become wider, to let the bleeding get worse._

_“Is it because of the thing you’re trying to hide from me?” Cas’s voice sounds so broken, so helpless and Dean wants to break something. He jumps out of the bed and closes the gap between them._

_“Cas, baby, don’t think I don’t wanna go with you but I can’t.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I- I just can’t.” Dean can not say why. Shit is already too messed up, he can’t cause any more problems._

_“Why can’t you? Please, Dean. Tell me. We’re in this together, right? Tell me before it’s too late.”_

_“You won’t understand,” Dean whispers, blinking back the tears threatening to fall from his eyes._

_“I will. At least I can try. Please, Dean. I love you,” Cas replies._

_Shaking his head, Dean turned away but Cas’s arm shot up and gripping his bicep tightly, he forced him to look back at him._

_“No, you do not get to turn away. Not now. Because if you don’t open up...it’s gonna be too late,“ Cas’s words are harsh and thrown at him like stones, bruising him. But Dean will take the bruising over having Cas look at him with anything other than love. He’s sure they will fix it because they love each other, right? It’s just a lovers’ quarrel. Dean will console him and they are gonna be_ fine _._

_“Cas-”_

_“No,” Cas takes a step back, “You- you tell me everything you’re hiding because I cannot be left in the dark. I hate secrets. So tell me, even if… it’ll make us fall apart.”_

_“What’s that supposed to mean?”_

_“You clearly know what it means.”_

_“You think it got something to do with Lee?” Dean asks quickly, connecting the invisible dots in his mind. His voice gets hard as Cas just stares at him without saying anything to make him assured that it’s not what his boyfriend is trying to imply._

_“I’m not the one who mentioned his name, Dean.” Cas’s calm voice is scaring Dean. It’s like the calm before the storm. The storm which can wreck everything in its wake. But his mouth doesn’t stop, “Because you get jealous every time I interact with him. You do not trust me.”_

_Cas almost flinches, as if Dean has slapped him, “I trust you, Dean, which is why I’m telling you to tell me the truth instead of avoiding it.”_

_Dean’s shoulders sink, feeling defeated, “I can’t.” The word words let out as a shattered whisper causes Cas to close his eyes. Then he opens them again, “You say I don’t trust you. But in reality, you are the one who got trust issues.”_

_Dean’s hackles rise, “What? Of course not. Do not use your insecurity to put the blame on my shoulder.” Dean knows he fucked up again and royally, this time as Cas’s eyes get wide and his body stills._

_“I gotta go,” he says in a monotonous voice. Dean doesn’t say anything in reply. Cas pushes past him and walks out of the room. Moments later, he hears the front door shut loudly enough to let the sound reach his room. Anger bubbles up inside Dean like an erupting volcano and with a loud yell, he picks up the first thing within his reach- his phone- and throws it across the room. When the expectant sound of the phone hitting a hard surface doesn’t reach his ears, Dean turns around just to find it laying on top of a beige trenchcoat, draped over his study chair as if it belongs here. This is when he falls on his knees with his head in his hands, knowing how well things are fucked up. However, he’s yet to know how it would be a very long time before he meets the owner of the trenchcoat again._


	25. Chapter Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the truth...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! Here's the next chapter ( after a long time so SORRY). We hope y'all aren't too angry at us for being late.  
> Enjoy this chapter and let us know how you feel about it in the comments.
> 
> PS. There are only two chapters left after this (including the epilogue).

_ “...Hey _

_ It's all me in my head _

_ I'm the one who burned us down _

_ But it's not what I meant _

_ I'm sorry that I hurt you _

_ I don't wanna do, I don't wanna do this to you _

_ I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose this with you _

_ I need to say, hey _

_ It's all me, just don't go _

_ Meet me in the afterglow…” _

**November 2019**

“So you're telling me that Lee helped you with Mary and John’s divorce and it’s the reason why you had spent that much time with him?”

“Yes.” 

While Dean told Cas everything from the start, the blue-eyed man’s face went from confused to shocked. Dean’s heart feels a bit lighter now that the truth is finally out in the open. 

Cas shakes his head, murmuring something too low for Dean to understand. Dean fidgets with his fingers, not knowing what to say or do. He knows they are on the precipice this time; they will either break or make it. 

“You could have told me about it, Dean. I would have been on your side.” 

“I know.”

“We were okay, hell, we were  _ more than okay _ . I loved you. Why did you think it was better to hide such an important thing from me?”

“You would have hated me.”

“I could never hate you, Dean,” Cas replies, taking a step closer to him.

“Then why did you leave me?” Dean shoots back, unable to keep the question that has been in his head for the last twelve years inside his chest any longer. His voice is hoarse but he feels smaller than ever as if the whole world was trying to engulf him in one piece. 

This time Cas doesn’t answer, causing Dean to take a step back.

“You left me. When- when you left that day, I- I thought you went home and you would come- come back the next day. But you didn’t,” Dean doesn’t realize tears have been pooling in his eyes ‘till he blinks and feels the warm teardrops roll down his cheek. When he dares to face Cas, he notices Cas’s eyes are wet too and he’s looking at him with an agonized face as if he’s in so much pain he can’t bear it, “You never came back. You left me. You left  _ us _ .”

“But you didn’t stop me.” Cas states in a choked voice.

Through the tears and stabbing pain in his chest, Dean swallows and lets out humorless laughter.

“If I‘d known- if I had even a small hint of how things would end, I’d have begged you to stay. I’d have done whatever it would have taken to make you stay. But you didn’t give me a chance. You - you just walked away. Without even thinking about how it would affect me.” 

“The moment I entered the house after I left your place, father told me we were moving to another state the next day and- and I was so angry with you, I didn’t think about informing you. I was so heartbroken, so frustrated about everything…” Cas trails off, shaking his head with a pained look on his face.

“But you never called. You never wrote, never texted, or even tried to figure out what happened. You left all the broken pieces on the floor, Cas,” Dean says quietly. 

Cas stares at the man in front of him, both with tear-stricken pale faces, “Honestly… you didn’t call either. I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me, so I let it fall. I let it all fall.” 

There was something about Cas’s pained voice that completely broke Dean. Dean watches Cas who lowers his head brushing the tears off his eyes. 

Dean shakes his head a little, stepping closer, “Cas, look at me.” 

Cas instead takes a step back. 

Dean sighs in frustration, “Castiel.”

It’s a cat-mouse game that neither one was winning. But the simple  _ ‘Castiel’ _ catches Cas’s attention as he slowly raises his head. 

“What do you want, Cas?” Dean asks. Cas blinks, trying to get rid of the stinging in his eyes. His mind races. It’s a simple, straight forward question with thousands of answers sitting on the tip of Cas’s lips. 

“You know it’s not that simple, Dean.” Cas glances down again, unable to meet the other man’s eyes knowing how much pain and heartbreak he had caused him in the past. 

“Actually it is,” Dean answers, “All of this,” he motions with his hands, “is just a misunderstanding. We were young and naive and we didn’t know better. We can do better.” 

Cas lifts his head again, slouching his shoulders and fiddling with his thumbs. 

After a short crisp silence, Cas mumbles, “I need time, Dean. I just- I need to go over everything you’ve told me. This isn’t just about me anymore. It’s about Claire too.” 

Dean’s breath hitches but he nods calmly, blocking out the screaming thoughts in his head, “Of course, I get it. But you know everything now. You know why I was distant back then, why I was hiding shit. It was never about Lee, Cas.” 

Cas nods once but Dean continues, “I don’t want us to think about what we could have done differently or better because there’s so much we could have done better. We both fucked up. But we’re here now. I’ve always been here, Cas, right by your side. And if you still want me by your side, I’ll be here.”

Cas nods several times, wanting to do anything which can make Dean stay.

“Cas, can you tell me something honestly? Without thinking about all the shit that placed us here today?”

“Anything, Dean. I’ll tell you.”

“Do… do you still love me?”

“It never went away. Not even after painting a portrait. Not even after I married a woman who carried my child.”

“So if I ask you to take a chance with me again? Would you take it? Or would you walk away?”

Cas wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around Dean and bury his face into his chest, but he knows he needs to think rationally this time. And Dean seems to sense this too. 

Because shortly afterward he says, “That’s what I thought. I’ll give you space now.” Dean begins to turn away from the metaphorical mess in the painting room until he halts and takes a quick glance back at Cas, “I guess love is never enough in our case.” With a sad smile at Cas’s direction which almost pierces through the muscles of Cas’s heart, Dean turns and walks away, leaving Cas behind just like he did all those years ago. Cas falls onto his knees, ignoring the faint pain of his healing wound on his shoulder, and stays there long enough for his daughter to come to him as if she can sense the plethora of feelings Cas is feeling right now. Claire wraps her little arms around Cas’s neck and it’s the last straw that breaks the camel’s back. Tears fall from his eyes freely as if the dam which has been held back for years finally broke. Maybe it did, in a way.

***

24 hours later finds Dean slumped against his couch, a few empty beer bottles lying astray on the coffee table in front of him and on the floor beside him. He doesn’t move for a solid 20 minutes until his phone rings and he sees Charlie calling. 

“What?” Dean answers, head throbbing from the massive hangover.

“Dean, you didn’t come in for work… are you okay?” Charlie’s worried voice echoes. Dean isn’t one to usually skip out on work without prior notice because he understands the weight of the job. 

“Sorry, I- I- I had a bad night,” Dean stammers. 

“It’s okay, we can cover you here. Do you need anything?” Charlie asks gently, sensing that something is wrong. 

“The one thing I want is the one thing I can’t have,” Dean answers groggily. 

He hears the familiar ear-striking ring of the bell and Charlie cuts her call short. Dean sighs, letting the phone slip out of his fingers and into the cool floor. 

He grabs the bottle closest to him and drinks. 

It’s a few hours later when Dean opens his eyes again, and finds his brother hovering over him. Sam stares at Dean, hands across his chest, eyes demanding answers but gentle all the same. Dean stares back, the headache crashing into him in waves. 

“Ok, so talk.”

***

Cas works from home because it’s easier to hide in the shadows than to face the public. He wears hoodies and drinks lightly (for the sake of his daughter) and just dives into work. But even with the workload, it’s just not enough to mask his overflowing and complicated emotions for Dean. When Cas picks up his little girl from school, Claire tries to ask what’s wrong, but Cas doesn’t budge. Even when he puts on the fake smiles, Claire sees right through him. 

It’s a quiet and icy night when Claire walks into Cas’s room to find her father on the laptop typing words she doesn’t understand. 

“Papa bear, is this about Dean? You haven’t been seeing him much these days,” Claire says observing the way his father’s shoulders slump inwards at the mention of Dean’s name. 

Cas turns around to see Claire confused, “It’s nothing you need to worry about, Claire bear.”

Claire tilts her head, “Will we see Dean again? I miss him.”

That’s all Cas needs to rethink every decision. Maybe he’s not sure about Dean just let, but it’s all crystal clear to Claire.  _ Claire _ needs Dean because somewhere in this long entangling story, they had become family as well. 

Cas smiles gently, “Of course. But papa’s gotta work now, so skedaddle and go sleep. I’ll come and read to you in a bit, okay?” 

Claire grins as she skips out of the room. 

***

Sam glares at Dean, “And he hasn’t called out or texted you since? It’s been almost two days now, Dean.” Dean’s little brother has been staying with him because he thinks Dean ‘is not functioning properly’.

“I fucked up again, are we surprised?” Dean grumbles. Sam slowly takes the beer out of Dean’s fingers before he can place it back on his lips. 

“This isn’t making sense. You explained everything, and it’s clear Cas still wants you. Claire likes you too. So… this doesn’t make sense,” Sam says like it’s the easiest math problem to solve. 

Dean stares back at his brother who’s wearing  _ his _ red flannel, “Sammy, this isn’t some physics equation you can just solve in your head. Emotions and relationships are complicated. And Cas- we were doomed to begin with.” 

Sam fixes his flannel, the wheels in his head turning quickly, “Okay, we’ll give him time. He needs time, right? So we’ll give him that. But for now, you need to clean up, and have something that’s not a threat to your lungs.” And that’s how Sam manages to get his older brother into the shower with new change of clothes. 

***

Cas tries not to think about the inevitable, about how he’ll have to give Dean an answer sooner or later. If he doesn’t think about it, maybe can just pretend everything’s okay… just maybe. 

Cas drops off Claire at school, and then makes a quick pit stop at the supermarket to get some groceries after Claire whines about how her favourite cereal was finished. He’s wafting through the cereal boxes hoping and praying they're not out on Claire’s cereal when he hears a familiar voice.

“Cas?” A gentle curious voice echoes through Cas’s mind. 

Cas turns his head the moment his hands find the correct cereal to see Sam standing before him. Cas lets go of the cereal and turns his body to face the towering man. 

“Oh hi, Sam. How are you?” Cas asks, wearing a friendly smile even though he isn’t feeling much comfortable. A voice inside him starts nagging him to ask Sam about his older brother which he manages to ignore with Herculean strength.

Sam smiles slowly, “I’m good! How are you? Don’t you have work?” Sam asks, noticing Cas’s sweatpants and grey t-shirt. 

“Huh...I’m skipping today.” Castiel looks away, not wanting to let Sam even get a hint of how  _ not _ okay he is.

“It’s fine if I see your pain, you know that, right?” Sam’s words startle him so much he almost flinches.

“I-”

“He’s drinking… more than usual. Doesn’t eat properly. Doesn’t even try to hide his feelings. Which are not anywhere near good.”

Cas gulps, not knowing what to say. Not wanting to picture the man he loves- he loves for so long-suffering like that. All because of him. But what can he do? 

“If there is anyone who can do anything about it, it’s you, Cas. It’s always been you,” Sam says, his voice almost desperate. 

Castiel blinks back tears which suddenly threaten to fall, revealing to the world how much it’s hurting him as well. He doesn’t say anything. He walks away, leaving Sam behind.

Two days later, Castiel is sitting on the couch, trying not to recall how Dean sat in the same fucking position where he used to visit while attempting to get some work done. Claire is laying on the rug near the electric fireplace, which was installed before the Novaks moved into the house, playing with Mr. Black who keeps yawning every now and then, too lazy to respond to the funny faces the little girl is making at him.

A knock on the door makes Cas look up and check the time. 12:00 pm. It wasn't a time for someone to come...unless…

With jerky quick movements, Castiel shuffles towards the main door and opens it without looking through the peephole. 

The man standing at his door was not someone he was expecting.

“Gabe? What are you doing here?” Cas’s too loud exclamation reaches his daughter who comes running with a cheer.

“Uncle Gabe!” She leaps into her uncle’s arms who’s grinning wide at Castiel’s shocked and confused face

“Heyo, bro. Missed me?” He asks Cas as he passes him and enters the house with Claire in his arms.

Cas breaks off his stupor and shuts the door. Turning around, he follows the voice of his daughter talking loudly with her uncle, almost tripping over her words.

“Nice house, Cassie,” Gabe observed turning on his heels. 

Cas squints, “No but seriously, what are you doing here?” 

Claire grabs Gabe’s fingers enthusiastically, “Uncle Gabe! Do you want to see my room? It’s so pretty!” 

Gabe smiles gently, “I would love to, little one. But I need to have a word with your father alone first, is that okay?” 

Claire nods the smile never faltering as she skips up the stairs. Cas stares at Gabe clueless. 

“What’s this about?” Cas asks, still unable to wrap his head around the fact that his brother was there. 

Gabriel folds his arms across his chest, “I’m gonna need a beer. And Sam called me.” 

_ “Sam?  _ Like Sam Winchester?” Cas asks, now more shocked than ever. Why would Sam call his brother? Unless… 

“How many other Sam do we know, bro? Come on give me that beer, I know you’ve got it,” Gabe asks with his outstretched hand. 

Cas sighs, going to get the beer, watching Gabe check the interior design of the house with great interest. He runs his fingers along with the furniture, stopping at the photo of Cas and Claire at Halloween. 

“Here,” Cas passes the drink, “Now spill. Why are you here? Why did Sam, of all people, call you?” 

Gabe puts the frame down, accepting the drink, and immediately taking a huge swing of it, “Take a wild guess, amigo.” 

“Is this about Dean?” Cas mutters quietly. They sit by the couch, the morning sunlight pouring through the opaque windows of their living room. 

“Cassie, Sam’s told me more or less what happened. Now, you know his full story and it seems to me like no matter what you try, you two are always going to find a way back to each other. So, let me ask, what’s stopping you this time?” Gabe asks gently. He’s stern but there’s a certain calmness in his voice that soothes and reassures Castiel. 

Cas fiddles with his thumbs knowing that his brother knows damn well the answer. He just wants Cas to say it out loud. 

“I’m just afraid to get hurt again. It’s not just me in the picture anymore, Gabe, Claire is all tangled up in this too,” Cas sounds small as he speaks. 

“And Claire likes Dean? Dean treats her well?” Gabe asks, observing Cas and the way he gently smiles. 

Cas nods lightly, “Claire  _ adores _ Dean. I know she misses him these days as well and she can sense that something is wrong. And yes, Dean has always been good to her.” 

“Then you have your answer,” Gabe says, “This time it’ll be different, Cassie. You can’t let the past define your future. You're both older, mature, you know where you both went wrong the last time, and this time, you both have a common factor, Claire. Why not give it another try?” 

Cas lowers his head silently, letting his brother’s words sink into the back of his mind. 

Gabe continues, “From what Sam’s told me, Dean’s struggling too. He’s drinking and not eating and a whole downright mess. I know it’s not my business, but I also know you’re both better together and stronger together than you are apart. And for what it’s worth, Sam’s worried about you both.”

Cas glances up, noticing the sun has already changed positions in the sky as few rays enter the room, “God, when did you get so wise?” 

Gabe breaks into a smile, “It’s not all pretty looks, amigo.” He taps his fingers to his temple lightheartedly causing Cas to laugh gently. 

“Alright, I’ll think about what you said. I hate it when you’re right,” Cas grumbles. 

Gabe wraps an arm around Cas grinning, “Shut up, you love me.”

Cas rolls his eyes, “Stay for a while? I can make lunch real quick.”

“Of course, little bro,” Gabe singsongs as he finishes his beer in one huge gulp. 

***

“So… I met Cas at the store.” Dean’s heart perks up at the name and his brain smacks its proverbial head for being such a mopey ass guy. 

“And?” Dean asks, trying to sound nonchalant, ‘ _trying_ ’ being the keyword.

His little smart ass brother looks at him and raises an eyebrow, “And nothing. Just wanted you to know I talked with that guy. And honestly, he looked like hell warmed over.” 

Dean didn’t have any reply to that. Or at least he didn’t have anything to say to his brother. His heart and brain were both fucked up. The first one because of that one person who perching on his heart like it’s his recliner. The latter one due to all the alcohol he has consumed to erase the events of the last few days.

Getting up from the couch, Dean groans at the pain radiating from his back because his couch clearly hates him. Hands messing his head, he walks- or more like, drags his feet- to the refrigerator. He takes out the leftover pie he’d brought two days ago in a drunken haze. Thrusting it inside the oven and shutting its door, he waits, ignoring the eyes on him. Dean doesn’t know what Sam expects him to say. He cannot wait for someone who clearly doesn’t want him. Not enough to make him stay. Not enough to come to him. Even thinking about Cas makes his heart burn like it’s on fire. It feels like someone is teasing him with a kindled matchstick near his heart.

The  _ ding  _ of the oven pulls him back to reality. Sighing, he takes out the hot pie, its smell almost watering his mouth, and puts it on the countertop.

“Go home, Sammy,” he says without looking away from his food. 

“No,” his infuriating brother replies stubbornly.

“Sam, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave my place right now,” Dean snaps, pointing his fork at Sam. Sam gives him a bitch face and walks to the front door.

“When Cas returns to you, do not turn him down. Don’t let the past ruin your future.” With that, Sam leaves his home, closing the door behind him.

Dean looks down at the pie, trying not to think about what his brother just said. But he fails. And that failure breaks something in him. In return, he grabs the plate in front of him, his pie sitting on it, and throws it at the wall with a noise which is something between a growl and a scream. The plate breaks into pieces, its sound echoing throughout the place. But it’s not louder than the heartbeats of the broken man’s broken heart.

**Author's Note:**

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